Smart women

I used to work with a software engineer who was on the ball. When she got an assignment, she saw it to completion and did a wonderful job at it. She was also a fascinating person. She could talk pop culture with the best of them and had an interesting opinion on just about every subject out there.

Her problem, she was a smart young and single woman.

"Ramona" used to work at another tech firm and when guys asked Ramona what she did there, she lied and told them she was the receptionist.

I asked Ramona why she did this and she said that smart women intimidate guys. I said "huh? You got to be kidding, right?"

She said no, they did. It was a big turn-off to guys to be as smart or smarter than they were. I told her I found intelligence in a woman sexy and she replied that I was an exception and most guys were turned off by smart women.

All right, I'll take her word for it. Having not been in her shoes, I couldn't really judge her situation. However, I do see it as bizarre. I pondered it and thought that it was a bad move to downplay her intelligence, for she'd only intimidate guys with low self-worth, right? Well, I brought that back to her and she said, no, it intimidates most guys, and why narrow her selection?

Besides, if she meets a guy that she really likes and they're starting to dig each other, she could tell him the truth and he'd accept it, having gotten past that initial hurdle. That was as far as we got on that conversation, and trying to see things her way, I could accept that.

Looking back before Mrs. ZS, I knew four uber-smart girls that there could have been a bond with. One was a cutie, but as clingie as they come, i.e., she wanted the big C (commitment) after the first date. The second was also a cutie, but a social retard. The third I struck out with (just don't tell anyone I've ever struck out). And the fourth was so religious she'd only date within her denomination. I can respect that, but I'll never change my denomination for anyone.

So, women out there, I know your writing abilities. I know that there are some seriously intelligent women who read this blog. Did you ever have to downplay your intelligence to get dates? I'm thinking it's a way to weed out insecure guys but Ramona strongly argues it's a flaw in the male psyche.

And men, are you intimidated by smart women? Yeah, I know, this will get you in trouble, but I've left anonymous posting on.

I'd love to hear it, because frankly, I'm curious.

Helping Katrina Survivors

Ben has a new blog about helping the victims of the Hurricane Katrina. I'm not going to allow comments on this post, because I'd rather see people read his updates on what's going on and commenting there.

The guy works and is taking 19 college units, but still manages to post news updates every chance he gets. Amazing. And he did a great job at explaining how people could help.

Check it out here. As someone who has been through two hurricanes, I could assure you, they're devastating. I've known people who've lost everything, including a guy trying to breed endangered species. He lost all the animals he was trying to save. And the two hurricanes I went through are nothing compared to Katrina.

Dear Zombieslayer

After this week, I'll be taking a hiatus from posting ethnic jokes because my partner in crime, the guy who's supposed to be doing my research for hot chicks for my ethnic jokes, is retired from blogging. That means I'll have to do the research myself. You don't actually expect me to work, do you?

In the meantime, Thom is cool. The guy can write. That said, I shamelessly stole one of his ideas. One warning, his site is R-rated, so I'm warning you ahead of time before checking it out.

Thom helps people out. People ask him questions to help them in their everyday existence so I decided to do the same. So if you're having problems with your life, let me know and I'll give you advice.

So far three people have asked me for help. Here they are, with my responses.

Dear Zombieslayer,
My boyfriend "Jim" doesn't pay enough attention to me. He only says he loves me when I ask him if he does. I really wish he'd say it more often.

My friend "Trisha" used to go out with him and she said that Jim was really nice to her, sending her flowers and chocolates and other surprises. He never did that for me and we've been together for over a year now. What should I do?

Signed,

Desperately Seeking the Truth


Dear Desperately,
That's very nice.
The big question is, how much have you prepared for the upcoming zombie plague? Have you stockpiled food and water? Make sure you have enough food and water to last you for at least a month.
Also, do you have weapons? You should have at least a rifle, a shotgun, and a pistol with a hundred rounds for each. You need to take them to the ranges as often as you can because someone with a firearm who doesn't know how to use it is just as dangerous as the zombies they're shooting at.
Good luck with your stockpiling.
Sincerely,

The Zombieslayer



Dear Zombieslayer,
I used to think my parents never paid attention to me. Now I know I'm wrong, totally wrong. Now I'm convinced that they do the opposite of anything I ask them to do. Why are they so mean to me?

Help me,

Confused


Dear Confused,
You've done an excellent job at reading the minds of your parents and I'm proud of you. Time for a little reverse psychology.
Tell your parents that there are no such things as zombies and they don't need to go out and buy at least one month of food, water, and weapons for the entire family. And after they go out and buy all that stuff, tell them that you don't need to practice shooting because you already are an expert with every type of firearm ever made.
Don't worry, Confused. After you tell them this, everything will be okay. I'll meet you in person when the zombie plague is over and shake your hand (or give you a big hug if you're a hot chick).

Sincerely,

The Zombieslayer


Dear Zombieslayer,
I think I have thorougly prepared for the upcoming zombie plague. I have 37 rifles, 12 shotguns, 28 handguns, a full-size propane tank, a generator, several barrels of gasoline, enough food and water for all my friends and relatives for several months, and we own fourteen acres in the woods and I recently completed a cast iron fence around our main property.
The problem is, I'm bored out of my mind. I've been waiting for this zombie plague you keep talking about, but when is it going to come? My kids are getting ansy and my wife is getting serious cabin fever. What do I do?

Signed,

Bored to Tears

Dear Bored,
Congradulations. You are one of the few who gets it. You're bored? Well, is your wife hot? If so, have her pose in a bikini (it's hot, it's for her comfort) with each one of your firearms. I'll need to see if you purchased the right ones. You can mail the pictures to The Zombieslayer, Santa Barbara, CA. Don't worry, the post office personel all know me. We go shooting together at least once a week.

Looking forward to meeting you when this is all over.

Your future pal,

The Zombieslayer

The First Amendment

I talk a lot about the Second Amendment on this blog, but not enough about the First. It's because I feel the Second is in more danger than the First. And trust me, if the Second goes, there's nothing to keep the First from going too.

First off, this is utterly important. You must understand the difference between a Right and a Privilege. If you do not understand this, then this is all for naught.

A Right is something you are born with. Government does not give you Rights. They are something that cannot be taken away from you. A privilege is just that, a privilege. When Government starts taking away Rights, it needs to be overthrown. It's that simple.

The first Amendment is simply this:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.


So let's break this down piece by piece.

Freedom of Religion. This is a Right, and this one gets the most controversy. Keep in mind, people fled their countries to come here so they could worship as they want to worship. People died for this Right, so you can worship as you want to worship. Don't ever take that for granted.

Freedom of Speech. This Right is almost an absolute. You can say things that will offend, despite what politically correct people think. You can say "I hate all Narnians and Narnians are stupid, they're ugly, and the world would be better off if they were all dead." You cannot say, "Aslan, you are a Narnian and I'm going to your house and I'm going to shoot you." If you say that, Aslan has the Right to shoot you the moment you step foot on his property.

You cannot slander. If Aslan is not an alcoholic, you cannot go around telling everyone that Aslan is an alcoholic. That is slander. If he is one, then it's all good.

You cannot give out copyrighted materials freely. I don't think I need to go into details here.

You cannot give out private info. If you get a hold of Aslan's credit card, you can't go around giving that info to your friends and neighbors.

Despite what you've heard, you can yell "fire!" in a crowded theatre. Keep in mind though that no judge or jury is going to be sympathetic to you when some father busts your knees with a baseball bat after the resulting panic crippled his kid.

You can say "President Bush (my President) or Dianne Feinstein/Barbara Boxer (my Senators), or Lois Capps (my Congresswoman) are !@#$%^& idiots and I hate them and wish they'd get an STD." Other people may not like it, but that's just tough.

There are no "free speech zones." Anyone who tries to enforce a free speech zone needs to be tar and feathered. The whole country is a free speech zone.

Freedom of the Press. As annoying as reporters are, I'm glad I live in a country where the media can publish anything they want to publish (save for libel, copyright infringement, etc.)

Freedom of Assembly. This gives you the Right to Assembly peacefully. If you don't like the way something is, by all means, hold up a sign in a public place and tell the world. You may not like what someone's protesting, but it's their Right to do it.

This does not mean throw a brick through a Starbucks window. And if there are any Anarchists reading this, do us all a favor, don't destroy their windows, destroy their stereo system. Geez, Anarchists, at least make yourself useful.

The Right to Petition Your Government. This means you don't need to be scared to send a letter to your Congressman or woman, your Senator, or your President. They're supposed to send you a letter back. So far, of the dozens of letters I've sent, everyone has, although I wonder if they really read them. I bet what they do is simply tally up a for and against.

So this is your First Amendment. It's over two hundred years old, and is set in stone. Your Founding Fathers knew what they were doing when they wrote it. Don't take it for granted. Remember, you were born with these Rights. Government does not give these Rights to you.

Black jokes and hot American babe - Halle Berry

I know I'm going to get a lot of flak for this, but Halle Berry I list with an asterisk. I only like her with hair. Sure, she has one of the prettiest smiles in Hollywood, a perfect pair of breasts, great hips, etc., but I don't like it when she cuts her hair off. Short hair doesn't work with her.

I'm not going to post a link to that topless scene she did in Swordfish. It's because I hated that movie. I was living in Ventura at the time of the filming and got excited to see it because I had a chance to see some of the filming. Even seeing the absolutely gorgeous Halle Berry in it didn't save that awful movie.

I won't get into a discussion about whether or not she earned that Academy Award in Monster's Ball because I have yet to rent it. I forgot which actresses she beat out. I do think that there are several black male actors who are top notch, like Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington. I loved Washington in Glory and Philadelphia. Neither movie though he had the top role. So is the Academy Awards commission racist? I don't know.

Is she a top notch actress? Here's another thing I can't comment on. I hated Swordfish and Die Another Day was just all right. She had only a small billing in the X-Men movies and Executive Decision.

Anyways, here's Ms Berry. I told Cultureshock that I like Tyra Banks better, but I've already listed Ms Banks as a hot babe. Even with short hair though, Ms Berry's welcome in my anti-zombie compound. I'd love to make a mermaid animatronic using her as a model. It will be with long hair though, of course.



Black jokes

For those of you new to the blog, my disclaimer is simple. If you haven't seen your ethnicity yet, have patience. I'll get around to it, unless you're something obscure like Latvian. And I absolutely refuse to post Narnian jokes. Personal reasons that I don't want to get into. Here ya go, black jokes:

What did the black kid down the street get for Christmas?
My bike.



Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he's black.



What do you call a black man who flies an airplane?
A pilot you !@#$%^& racist!



A black guy was vacationing in the Caribbean with some of his buddies when lo and behold, he came across a magic lamp. He knew what to do, giving it a rub and sure enough, a genie popped out and granted him three wishes.

"For my first wish, I want to be rich." So the genie showed him an image of the gold and jewels he had waiting for him when he got home.

The guy smiled deeply, then told the genie "well, nobody's going to believe that a black man got all this gold and all these jewels by finding a magic lamp, so, I want to be white."

Poof! He became white, not just white, but with blue eyes and blonde hair as well.

"Wow, this is cool. Well, for my third wish, I never want to have to work again."

And poof! The genie made him black again.



And lastly, you know you're black when you were named after a President, you make six figures, and you still can't get a $150,000 home loan.

Creative writing professors

Slade works as an English Professor. That's cool in my book because I was inches away from getting my degree in English instead of History. I love writing and love reading other people's works so it would have been a good fit for me. But then again, I love History as well and decided the latter route probably because of all the majors, History is the most Heavy Metal.

Slade had an annoying conservative student bug her after class and insinuate that if he didn't get a good grade, he was being discriminated against. Well, you all know my politics, so I was highly embarassed for this guy, and especially bad for Slade because she's one hell of a cool lady.

He's under the impression that English professors are liberal. Huh? Every English professor I knew was apolitical. It was History and Poli Sci that were liberal. Geez kid, if you're gonna stereotype, at least get the stereotypes right.

So now I have an English professor story to share with you.

I've had many English professors in my past, and each one was weird in their own way, but in a good way. I got A's in all their classes, except one B with one professor that was so old school she docked for profanity. I won't use that as an excuse for a B, it was because my poetry sucks. I got a high A in the short story part and a C in poetry. I know this will ruffle a few feathers, especially since I do spoken word, but I can't stand poetry. It's too restrictive for me.

Now keep in mind, I went to school in a different time. I caught the last years of when college was actually fun and I was seeing the beginnings of the political correctness machine take over college and strip all the fun and humanity out of it.

"Catalina" was a player. Others might call her a slut, but I find that word unfair because it only gets applied one way.

Catalina was in her 40s and was absolutely hot. She knew it too and reminded you on a daily basis with her clothes and mannerisms. But man, she could write.

She gave us a lot of short stories to read like Joyce, Poe, and Kafka. She even included a few of her own, and this made her even sexier.

Every semester, it was known among the other Professors that she dated a student. My semester, Catalina picked a young, blonde pretty boy, who was kind of on the dumb side. I helped the guy with his writing and it sucked, big time. He was totally wet behind the ears, in college because his Daddy said he had to go to college, and you could tell not too experienced with the fairer sex.

I think that's why she liked him. She could have had me instead, but that wouldn't be a challenge. I'd be on her faster than Oprah charging a buffet line. No, she wanted a challenge. She wanted to leave clues that she had the hots for him, but she wanted to be subtle about it. It was like a game to her, and the game lasted almost the entire semester.

By the end of the semester, they were dating. Catalina was old enough to be his mother, but you know what? More power to her. She still had it.

I wonder if the kid got an A in her class. Of course he wouldn't have deserved it because he wrote at a 7th grade level (and really had no place in college). I could care less though because she didn't grade on a curve so his grade had nothing to do with mine. If the professor did grade on a curve, I think they should be punished severely for dating a student because then it's not fair. But in this case, it's all good, except she picked the wrong student. I would have rocked her world that semester.

Sin City DVD

Quentin Tarantino may write the best dialog, but Robert Rodriguez has sexiness and action over Tarantino. I recognized that guy's talent since Desperado. Some folks caught it with El Mariachi but I wasn't fortunate to see that film until years later.

Rodriguez takes a film noir comic strip by Frank Miller and translates it to film. The film looks like a walking comic book. It's just awesome.

The world's over the top dangerous. If you want any kind of justice, you best be a vigilante because the cops are all on the take. Corrupt politicians and the mob rule the city.

From a cinematic standpoint, Rodriguez shines. I'm not a fan of the comic book, having read a few of them after hearing about the movie, but the movie fills in all the blanks that I felt the comic book missed.

I love the cast. As George Lucas could take a talented cast and make them look awful, Rodriguez makes a moderate cast look cool. I especially liked Mickey Rourke's character, a hideously ugly guy in love with a whore he just met because she was nice to him. The guy's so ugly and his love for her is so true, you just have to admire the hero he plays.

The DVD itself pissed me off. It had a very short interview and some ads for TV shows. How lame is that? I'm not knocking the quality of it, but with a DVD, I'd like a few bonus features. Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings had plenty of bonus features, why couldn't Sin City? Lame.

Everyone told me that Jessica Alba was hot in the movie. I found her all right. It was Carla Gugino, even though she had a short part, that I fell for. She played Mickey Rourke's character's parole officer and did a fine job at it. Plus, that body's to kill for.

Jaime King didn't do it for me either. She played the dead hooker that Mickey Rourke's character wanted to avenge and also her twin sister.

Just a warning, this movie had a tremendous amount of violence. If I were running the show, I would have given it an NC-17 rating for the level of violence. So you probably want to see it and judge for yourselves whether or not you'll let the kids see it.

8 dead zombies. I would have given it 9 dead zombies, but if I'm going to shell out some dough for a DVD, I expect a few bonus features, not just some dumb ads for TV shows.



On an interesting side note, notice there are currently three strong American fantasy genres now? There's the Western, American Gothic (like Tim Burton), and a re-emergence of film noir. Or can we call film noir fantasy? I wish I was still in touch with my old film teacher. Wonder what he'd say.

They only take the jobs no one else would take

I hear this all the time from people who just love illegal aliens. And it's a lie.

Do you want to know why it gets propogated? I'll tell you. The corporations are greedy and don't have to pay illegals as much as they pay Americans. And some of those corporations own a lot of the media outlets. So they bombard us with these lies.

Now, you know me. You know how I feel about legal immigrants. Not one of my relatives were here from the Mayflower. I have no American Indian blood. My father's side got here in the 1800s, my mother's a legal immigrant herself. But that's the thing. Legal. She was tested on things like the Constitution and other things about America that every American ought to know. Illegals don't learn this stuff, and frankly, illegal immigrants are a slap in the face for all those legal immigrants who had to go through loops and hurdles to become an American.

Here's the deal. Next time someone tells you that they do the jobs Americans don't do, ask them for a list.

They mow the lawn. Wow! I mow my own lawn.

Landscaping? My old drummer works in the family landscaping business.

Migrant farm workers? Wife's done it.

Janitor? One of my best friends was the janitor for our community college.

Hotel and restaurant workers? Done that for years before getting into computers.

Cleaning up the highways? In some states, prisoners do that.

Refinery work? I grew up in a refinery town and everyone there was white or black American.

After that, they still say, "well, I'm sure there are other jobs."

That's nice. But if you're going to make a statement, you need to back it up. And so far, nobody has yet to name a job that Americans won't do that we need illegals for.

I've been tagged twice

I got tagged twice, so we'll interrupt our regular programming for my responses.

First, The Zombie Lama tagged me with 5 songs I'm currently digging. Here's what I said, but I had the rules wrong and replied on his blog so I'll correct myself and post here.

Five Songs

One Headlight by The Wallflowers
Lady Strange by Def Leppard
Loch Ness by Judas Priest
White Night Fantasy by Nightwish
I Wanna Be Sedated by the Ramones

The 2nd tag I got from Bridget.

Seven Things

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1) Get my anti-zombie compound built,
2) Create a small amusement park. I've already started on pieces of parts of one of the rides,
3) Attend Mardi Gras (I stole that from Bridget)
4) Go to all 50 states,
5) Visit every island in the Caribbean, well, every one that's more than a rock,
6) write that novel,
7) get that screenplay finished and made into a movie

Seven things you can do:
1) Play guitar, bass, and piano,
2) cook,
3) write,
4) throw a football very accurately to twenty yards, somewhat accurately at thirty, well, slightly accurately at forty (probably wishful thinking now)
5) tell jokes,
6) hike for miles carrying a kid on my shoulders,
7) stare at beautiful women

Seven things you can't do:
1) Not stare at beautiful women,
2) be politically correct,
3) do something I know is wrong,
4) play the bass part of sheet music with any decent speed. When I read sheet music, I just do an octave for the left hand,
5) fix a transmission. I can fix an engine, but if the tranny goes out, I sell or junk the car,
6) sit still for hours,
7) not laugh when someone trips and falls down. I'm sorry but that's still funny after all these years

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:
Oh no, I have to do this again? Well, read my this if you haven't already. I'm too lazy to write it twice.

Seven things you say most:
1) Are you going to eat that? If not, pass it down.
2) Hmm...
3) Yup (got that from living in Texas)
4) Are you going to finish that martini? If not, pass it down.
5) Hey (instead of hi)
6) Cool
7) Shoot it! (I hate when people hesitate taking a shot in either soccer or basketball)

Seven celebrity crushes:
Ah, a list that's actually different than Bridget's. ;)
1) Alessia Merz (Italian actress)
2) Monica Bellucci (Italian actress)
3) Cristina Scabbia (Italian singer)
4) Carla Gugino
5) Salma Hayek
6, 7, and 8 - oops, one over) Any of the top Victoria Secret babes - Tyra, Laetitia, Adriana Lima

And I'm supposed to tag seven people, but I'm going to break the rules and only tag four. Mybrid, Laura, Dave, and Savage, you're all tagged. I think I haven't tagged you before, Laura. Not sure though. You could either take the Five Songs or the Seven Things tag.

Fame is a train wreck

Someone handed me a slew of Ukranian jokes the other day. They're funny but they're exceptionally crude, way too crude to post on my blog. Even I have limits. I started thinking of Ukranian women and of all people, Oksana Baiul popped into my head.

I thought, whatever happened to Oksana Baiul? I did a little research and found that her manager's preparing her for a comeback. Now, forget trainwreck, this woman's a plane crash.

Why are celebrities always whacked? I won't even bring up the Jacksons, but you look at just about everyone with exceptional talent and they're a basket case.

Case in point, Axl Rose. Yeah, I know you hate him. I hate him too, but you have to admit that guy had more charisma than just about any other singer in the last twenty years. Appetite for Destruction to this day is still one of my favorite albums, even though I heard it two hundred times.

I loved the Roseanne show. It was that show that snooty people loved to hate because it was the most realistic portrayal of a working class family on TV. They didn't resolve all their issues in thirty minutes. Often, they didn't resolve their issues. They decided just not to deal with half of them and move on.

I loved her doing stand-up too. She was crass, crude, and sometimes annoying, but you have to admit, she had talent. Now, Roseanne's a trainwreck too. Not as bad as Axl or MJ, but even if she looked like Oksana Baiul, I couldn't marry her.

Funny, going back to Guns and Roses and Axl, I look at Slash, Duff, and Matt, and they're right back with another problematic singer. Izzy's had enough and races cars now.

Why does anyone want to be famous? I sure don't. It's been said everyone get their fifteen minutes of fame. Well, you can have mine. If this blog gets famous and anyone wants to go around being the Zombieslayer, go for it. Just don't do a George Michael or anything dumb like that.

That's the great thing about living in Santa Barbara. This town's a who's who for all the Hollywood morons so for a regular bloke like me, I can disappear in the crowd and not get noticed.

If I ever write that American novel I keep saying I'm going to write, it's going under a pseudonym, just in case it sells. Even when I was a musician, I had a pseudonym and was buried under so much makeup I would have made Tammy Faye Baker proud.

Well, I guess I'm lucky. I got enough attention as a child. I don't want fame, I'll take fortune though. And I still do want to run for Congress, but not out of glory. I want to get in, make a few changes, and get out. You already know what they are.

So my question for you, can someone want fame and not be a trainwreck? Why do people want millions of people they'll never meet leering at their image in a magazine or in a movie? I couldn't answer that one, because I'm not one of them.

The Warrior and the Healer

Back in Northern California in the mid-90s, they had a traditional JiuJitsu dojo not too far from where I lived. The guy who got me into Thai boxing told me I had to learn wrestling too, and JiuJitsu was the best form of wrestling. So I took some JiuJitsu classes with them.

They weren't the best wrestling dojo I've been to. They weren't even the best in town, but I joined them because they offered one thing that nobody else in town offered - massage. I was already injured, having torn cartilage in both of my knees from a sloppy football tackle (done by me, entirely my fault). That's another story for later though. I had no medical insurance at the time, so I just dealt with the daily pain and tried my best to ignore it.

Now, a lot of warrior types are hot-headed meat-heads. I won't deny that. They saw massage as a waste of time, especially the young ones. Usually when the class ended and the optional massage class began, everyone under thirty except me would take off. Sometimes I'd get the instructor one on one and man, that guy knew how to loosen up your muscles.

Massage is a healing art, as is acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine, and some others. Many people scoff at healing arts, dismissing them as New Age garbage, but I'm sold, especially when an acupuncturist a few years later healed my knees to 100% where American doctors offered surgery. Unless I'm dying, I'm not going under the knife.

Most medical insurances barely cover healing arts and some don't at all. The current plan I have covers $500 of massage a year, with me only paying a $10 deductible. You can bet your heiny I'm taking advantage of that.

Well, as my luck had it, almost a decade later, we moved back to that same small town and I was excited to go back to that dojo. I immediately signed up for a month by month membership and guess what? The old instructors were all gone and the new ones didn't do the massage part of class anymore.

See, this is the beef I have with the warriors. They neglect healing, until they're in their thirties and forties. I see it all the time on fighter's message boards. "Hey, anyone know a good chiropractor in Ventura County? All these years of boxing and being a plumber I think have hurt my back." Well, no ****, Rocky. Maybe if you took healing seriously when you were younger, you wouldn't have severe back problems today.

On the other side of the fence, a lot of healer types are hippies, who usually dismiss the warrior spirit as something outdated and evil. They wrongly think we can solve all the world's problems with diplomacy. I won't argue this here, for you know how I feel about violence and war. They have their place.

Why can't someone be both? Why does everyone have to be one or the other? Not only that, why must one mock the other? Can't people realize that both are just as important?

Captain Bravado

Wow, that last post didn't go over too well. Oh well, I guess we can't agree on everything. I still love you all.

On the lighter side, here's a story for you. Let's go back hundreds of years.

Pirates have been raiding Spanish ships for decades now and everything the Spanish have tried only managed to cost the Crown more money with no success. That is, until they hired Captain Bravado.

"Bring me my red shirt!," Captain Bravado ordered the first mate. Not only did he fight valiantly, shooting a half a dozen pirates dead with his pistols and a dozen more slain by his saber, the story of the red shirt was something of legend.

"Why did you want me to bring you a red shirt, Captain Bravado?"

"Because if I got cut, my men will not see me bleed and will continue to fight."

The story made the rounds and Captain Bravado became the largest hero in the Spanish Empire.

A year later, five pirate ships were spotted. The guy right away notified Captain Bravado, who promptly ordered his first mate "bring me my brown pants!"

Not everything should be gov't funded

I'm glad I don't live in Europe. Sure, they have neat-o things like medieval castles, cathedrals, and even Roman aquaducts that are still being used. They even have topless beaches. All right, I guess there are some things I'd like about Europe.

But putting in perspective, I'd still hate to live in Europe. Taxes are bad enough here, but they're nothing to what they are in Europe, and most of those countries only let you own antique guns. We'll see how well Europe survives when the zombies come. Hmm...maybe that will be a good thing. Maybe with a tenth of the people, they won't have water problems and they could actually take daily showers.

There are a lot of things that Europeans pay for that are just wrong. One is daycare for everyone.

I'm all for helping poor people and single parents with part of their daycare bills, don't get me wrong. What I have a problem with is paying for daycare for everyone. Should we be paying daycare for Bill Gates' children? No. They would in Europe.

You know who this really discriminates against? It discriminates against people without kids, and against parents who don't use daycare.

Couples may not have kids for a variety of reasons. Some people are sterile. Some don't want them. Some want to be DINKs for awhile (Double Income No Kids) until they can afford to buy a house and have an emergency cash reserve as well. Whatever their reasons, that's fine. Frankly, it's none of my business. Why should these people pay for other people's daycare?

The other group it discriminates against is the folks who have one parent staying at home and don't need daycare. This group is already burning the candle at both ends, so they could raise their kids themselves, instead of having some people they barely know raise their kids. More power to them, and for the few families today that do this, I tip my hat to you. Now, should these people pay for daycare that they'll never use? No, they shouldn't. They shouldn't be punished because they're economically viable enough to have one parent stay at home.

Hot Polish Babe w/Polish jokes

Thanks Cultureshocked. I had no idea about Magdalena Wrobel until he told me about her. I guess I need to get out more.

She's definitely a hottie. See, Napolean knew what he was doing when he had a Polish mistress. I bet Napolean and I had similar tastes. Plus, I'm sure he would have done fine in a zombie invasion. That guy was smart. I also bet Napolean would have enjoyed hanging out with the Zombieslayer. Just imagine Napolean in that big hat drinking a martini while scoping out the hot babes walking down State Street in Santa Barbara. I bet if we had enough martinis, I'd think I could speak French and he'd think his English is understandable. Now, wouldn't that be fun?

Oh, I'm supposed to be talking about this Polish Babe. Well, um...
She's hot.

While I'm completely off subject, if you like fiction, I'd highly recommend Southerngirl's blog because she's been publishing an absolutely wonderful SciFi novella on her blog. Start from the beginning though. Right now it's on Chapter 3. If I had my own publishing company, I'd publish this myself.



Polish jokes

Another week, another ethnicity. This time, the good folks of Polish decent get some lovin' from the Zombieslayer. You all know the disclaimer. If I haven't hit your ethnicity, wait, I'll get around to it. Oh, this time, nothing's even PG-13, so no worries about the kiddies.

What do you do if a Polish guy throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.


How do you get a one-armed Polish guy out of a tree?
You wave.


Two Polish guys are on separate sides of a river. One yells to the other, "excuse me, how do I get to the other side?"
The other Polish guy thinks about it for a minute, then shouts back, "you are on the other side!"


A guy walks into a bar and sees his friend. His friend buys him a beer and the new guy proceeds to tell his friend a Polish joke. But the bartender interrupts.

"You see that big guy over there? Well, he's a former NFL defensive tackle. Had four QB sacks in one game. And he's Polish."

The bartender continues "and that guy there. He's currently on the U.S. Olympic team for weightlifting. And his parents are both Polish. And I'm a black belt in Karate, Kung Fu, and Judo, and I'm Polish. Now, do you still want to tell that Polish joke?"

The guy replies "no."

"And why's that?," the bartender asks smugly.

So the guy leans forward towards the bartender, looks him squarely in the eye, and says "because I'm not in the mood to explain it three times."

Slow Foods

We live in strange times. Life goes on so fast that people forget to eat, forget how to act rationally, and even forget to raise their kids. Funny I should be mentioning this because I'm an extreme Type A personality. But some things should be slow, especially food.

Fast food will kill you. We all know that, we've seen the movie, so no need to beat a dead horse. Some Italian back in the 80s started the slow food movement, something opposed to fast food.

Everyone in the movement has their reasons. Keep in mind, I only speak for me, so if you hear from someone else in the movement, they might sound a lot different from what I'm going to tell you.

Slow food is first and foremost a lifestyle. Slow it down. Pick up some fruits and vegetables from the local farmer's market and enjoy them.

Slow food will drastically help the environment. By buying local foods, we won't be wasting so much money on oil from trucking it all over the continent. The movement supports food grown without pesticides. Pesticides, no matter how hard farmers try, will drain into the local rivers and streams. That's not a good thing. By not using pesticides, we'll have less pollution.

Slow food protects local cultures. What if everyone in the world ate McDonalds and Burger King and forgot their local food customs? That scares me. The slow food movement combats this.

Slow food will protect your stomach. We have evolved into eating different things. Food allergies are often caused by your ancestors simply not eating that food. People who are allergic to cow's milk may have only had cow's milk in their culture for the past a hundred years. That's not enough. Luckily for me, I have enough European blood that I'm not allergic to cow's milk, because I love milk, cheese, ice cream, and milkshakes. But you see what I'm getting at.

Slow food will help fight obesity. By not rushing your food, by enjoying it instead of wolfing it down so you could get back to what you were doing, you are giving your body time to actually digest what you're eating.

So let's slow down at the dinner table. Let's buy from local farmers, shop at our local farmer's market. Let's eat what's in season and avoid genetically modified food. Let's buy organic when possible. The results in your life may surprise you. I guarantee you that at the very least, your stomach and intestines will thank you.

For more information, if you're an American, check out Slow Food USA. If not, check out slowfood.com which unfortunately is only in six languages so far.

And I'll leave you with one fact that will probably scare you, because it scares me. In the last one hundred years, 30,000 vegetable varieties have become extinct, and one more is lost every six hours. Later on, I'll tie this in to why I'm against unchecked globalism in general.

He smells like a European

I love Santa Barbara. If you've never been here before, make a point to come down. If I buy a house here, you're invited. Just give me a week's heads up so we could do some cleaning beforehand. Mrs. Zombieslayer and I are both reformed slobs.

Santa Barbara's right on the ocean. It's absolutely gorgeous. The mountains are right behind the city, keeping the town from growing further. Also, Santa Barbara has the most strict architectural codes I've ever seen. New buildings have to be white or light colored with tile roofs. The city looks right out of the Mediterranean. Oh, buildings can't be more than three stories. I think that's because of earthquakes though.

On the beach, you will see people roller skating on the trail between the palm trees. The volleyball courts always have players. The problem we have is we're mediocre players and some people take the game too seriously. I don't play with those people because seriousness interferes with my drinking.

Many women love to shop Santa Barbara. It's sexy. If you like shopping, you'll love the stores. Just walk up and down State Street and you'll have a wonderful time. Great for the guys too because we could watch you shop as we have a martini or two at one of the outdoor cafes.

One thing about Santa Barbara though is it attracts Europeans. That's good and bad. I like Europeans. They're interesting, they're fun, and they're different. I've enjoyed many a soccer or volleyball game with European tourists. But one thing I don't like about Europeans is that too many of them do not take their smell seriously.

I have heard differing accounts of why that is. Some folks said they don't shower every day. Some say that they do shower every day, but they'll put on stinky clothes right after they get out of the shower. Whatever the case is, it is becoming a saying among locals that when someone smells bad, they smell like a European.

I've smelled bad before. I've been camping for days and the only cleaning I've managed to do is jumping in a river and going for a swim for an hour. That's way different. If I'm not camping alone, it's understood that I stink because they stink too. I don't wear deodorant either when camping. That's just silly and pointless, and defeats the whole point of being in nature.

When I come into town though, I'm going to smell neutral. And that's how most Americans are. Europeans don't understand that though. They often just try to cover up their stinkiness with more cologne. No, that's even worse. Now you have cologne competing with body odor. By the way, when the zombies come, you don't want to stink. Am I right, Zombie Lama? Is a stinky person more visible than a stinkless person? Before he answers, I'll assume so.

So Europeans, you're most welcome to America. I like having you here. You're fun to talk to and cool to play volleyball and soccer with. But please, do us a favor and shower everyday. And if you already shower every day, change your clothes on a daily basis too. Thanks, and enjoy the rest of your vacation in Santa Barbara.

Violence Policy Center and Chicken Little

Don't believe everything the Violence Policy Center says. Actually, you're probably better off not believing anything they say.

Their big thing now? 50 caliber rifles. They want to ban them. Why? Well, they're now using the whole terrorism thing.

So I decided to go straight to the horse's mouth. Here is their article on the crimes committed with a 50 caliber rifle. Let's see. So far in 2005, we have a guy who stole one from someone else. Oh my God! The sky is falling!

Let's go to 2004. There's a crazy guy driving a bulldozer around running over things. Oh, he happened to have three guns, including a 50 caliber. And another guy was in a shoot out. Notice he didn't hit anyone. Wow.

2003? Nothing.

2002? Nothing.

2001? Nothing.

2000? Well, we have some guy illegally sell 50 caliber rifles.

All right. We made it through half the decade and there have been zero people even injured by 50 caliber rifles.

Go ahead and read the rest on your own. Note the years. Hate to break it to you, Violence Policy Center, but 99.99% of people with these rifles are good guys and fellow gun nuts. If you want to keep losing elections, keep trying to ban my guns. People like me decide who to vote for and who to fund by reason, not emotion, not by appealing to heartstrings, and not by scare tactics.

Movie Review - Cinderella Man

I never really liked Ron Howard's directing ability. Some people rant and rave about his stuff but I'd watch one of his movies, smile, and forget about it the next day. This is yet another Ron Howard movie.

It's a movie with Russell Crowe and Renee Zellweger about a boxer and his family struggling through the Great Depression. Nice sets, some good shots, blah blah blah, but something was missing.

For one, when making a movie about boxing, I'm thinking at least the director should know a little bit about boxing. The fight scenes were Rocky'ish. Well, no. I take it back. They weren't that bad, but there were too many similarities.

For another, how about a little bit more dialogue and a little bit less overdrawn melodramaticism. Ah, got it. That's what I don't like about Ron Howard. His stuff is too melodramatic, too scripted Hollywood.

I did enjoy though, don't get me wrong. But tomorrow, I'll forget I saw the movie. 5 dead zombies.

A little lady with a big gun

I love a good martini. All these years I've had friends order martinis and I'd get a beer. Well, not anymore. Give me a martini instead.

A martini's a social lubricant. You'd say things you wouldn't normally say, which really is a good thing sometimes. Let it all out. I'd love to hear your stories. I won't judge you, for I've probably done worse. If not, well, maybe you shouldn't have had that third martini.

We went out drinking tonight. It was wonderful. Our waitress was gorgeous and she knew it. My investment partner and I would watch her walk away slowly while our female friend would roll her eyes back. Men.

No wives tonight. They're at home with the kids.

He took off early. She and I were in no shape to drive, so we headed to the nearest coffee shop to waste a few hours to sober up.

It was cool. Santa Barbara with lots of beautiful young women walking down State Street as I had a nice martini buzz going. What a life.

She told me about the guy who broke through the glass and into her house. Bad idea. She drew down on him and he did the only reasonable thing. He ran so fast away from her house that he would have made Carl Lewis proud.

Of course, this story didn't make the papers, and neither did it make the crime statistics. No reason for a police report. At least one thing's certain though. This guy won't be coming back.

You live in a rough area, you better keep a gun in your house. Even if you forget to load it, robbers won't know that. They may be stupid but they don't want to take a chance with Death.

I've made financial mistakes like you couldn't believe. I've lost $43,000 in one day once. But even before that, I took some economic chances that most people won't take. And I paid for it, dearly.

Once I was so broke, we lived in an area with crack dealers across the street. Crack dealers and gang bangers. Every apartment but ours got robbed. Why not ours? Because they knew that not only did we have bigger guns than they did, we'd have no qualms using them. And they knew the courts would be glad to see three college students, especially two young good-looking ladies and a young ambitious man, knock off some drugged up welfare punks. So for their own safety, they left us alone while they robbed every single one of our neighbors.

Regular people with guns. The one thing that criminals are scared of. You think they're scared of cops? You got to be kidding.

Sociologists have found that people who fear crime the most are people who are least likely to be affected by it. So you have upper-middle class white folk, good people, just ignorant, who want to ban guns to cut crime. Wrong. Ban guns and good poor folk won't have a chance against thugs. I know, I've been there. And so did my new little lady friend I shared martinis and coffee with tonight. And she had her little baby with her. Who knows, if she were unarmed, that could have been real ugly.

What makes a woman sexy?

I get asked this all the time. "Hey Zombieslayer, what kind of woman do you like?"

I don't have a laundry list. But I can tell you what I find sexy.

I like a woman who likes herself. Not some narcissistic, egomaniac, but rather someone who's content with what she has and doesn't have such low self-esteem that I have to constantly tell her she's okay. That's too much work. I admire confidence, not weakness.

I like a woman who smiles. I've seen gorgeous sites in my life, from the pyramids of Mexico, sunsets in the Caribbean, to sunrises in the San Francisco Bay Area. Amazing. But as gorgeous as those things are, nothing is as beautiful as a woman's smile.

I like a woman who laughs. I think it's so cute. I intentionally try to throw a woman off, catching her off guard. I don't want just a smirk, I want an uncontrolled laugh out of a woman. If I'm successful at it, it gives me the warm fuzzies inside.

I like a woman with a backbone. I find it sexy when a woman is strong and tries to hold her ground at impossible odds. People, both men and women, give up too easily. I find it sexy when a woman runs into a brick wall, and instead of turning back, she navigates around it. Wow. That's another thing that brings me warm fuzzies.

I like a woman who's not afraid to get dirty. Tomboys have always attracted me. I find it so sexy when a woman aggressively actually tries to take the soccer ball away from me, then later that evening, I see her in a red dress and heels.

I like a woman who has a soft side too. Actually, I insist she must. No, no need to hide that trash romance novel from me. I find it sexy you read them. Because those who read them will not be faking a smile when I surprise them with a box of chocolates.

So what about you? For you ladies, what makes a guy sexy? For you gentlemen, what did I leave out?

Some people shouldn't be parents

I rarely hate anyone. Of all the people I've met in my whole life, I've liked well over 99% of them. That's why I'm a firm believer that most people are good, and if good people were given freedom, bad people would get squashed.

Tipper Gore, I hated. In the mid-80s, my favorite things were football, heavy metal music, and Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, I know it's funny to hear about a metalhead athlete who played D&D, but I did along with several of my other football buddies, along with some straight up geeks too. There goes another stereotype.

Well, Tipper Gore tried to ban two of my sacred loves - heavy metal music and Dungeons and Dragons. You know those little warning labels on albums? Those were the compromise. She really wanted my albums off the shelves for good. She apologized about it years later, but I don't buy apologies. "Sorry I tried to ban your music." No, I don't buy that.

"Dungeons and Dragons is a pathway to Satanism." No, parental neglect is a pathway to Satanism. In fact, most of the people I played D&D with were God-loving Christians, and they were all wonderful people. We played as good characters fighting against evil. It was like taking Narnia and making a game out of it. I don't think I need to inform anyone that Narnia was written by one of the greatest Christian scholars of the past century.

I have known real life Satanists. You know what they all had in common? Their parents were too busy to spend time with them. So they did anything they could for attention.

I had the misfortune of working with someone who idolized Tipper Gore. He thought the government should censor music, because he "didn't have time" to check out what his kids were listening to. I responded that if he didn't have time to parent his kids then he shouldn't be a parent. He flipped out. Responsible parent he was not and of course he got mad because I called him on it.

The other extreme you've probably all seen too. They're the parents that think that any problem with children can be solved by throwing money at them. Once again though, they never consider that maybe the kids need quality time with them. I saw this all the time at the daycares my wife worked at. Parents tossed money at the kids like someone at a strip club throwing money at a stripper, but do you think they ever spent time with the kids? Nothing against money, but these people mistake money for parenting skills.

Yes, simply put, parents should parent their kids. Not the government, not Tipper Gore, not the village but parents. Parents have been successfully raising their children for hundreds of thousands of years. If we manage somehow to not blow ourselves up, parents will successfully raise their children for thousands of years more, unless of course they want to pass off the responsibility to the government like a lot of these selfish people do.

If someone is too busy to parent their children, then they should have put some thought into it before they popped them out. He should have kept it in his pants and she should have kept her legs closed. It's people like these who are producing the brats that everyone else is sick of.

Movie reviews - Charlie and the Devil's Rejects

Better late than never I guess.

A lot of you have already seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I just saw it last night and I didn't like it that much. Granted, I have high expectations for Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Danny Elfman. Burton (director) and Elfman (composer) are the masters of American fantasy. I've liked everything they've done together except for that headless horseman movie where Depp and Christina Ricci just didn't have any chemistry together.

So going into the movie with expectations, for one thing, this was one of Elfman's weaker movies musically. I didn't like music at all. I didn't like the Oompa Lumpa songs and it really bothered me that there was just one Oompa Lumpa.

Depp played an aloof character. He didn't seem to have his heart into it. It was as if he was just trying to get it over with as he thought about his upcoming role in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie, which I can't wait to see.

And Burton, who has always produced wonderful sets, didn't shine. They weren't bad. They just weren't that impressive compared to what Burton usually does.

I didn't have a bad time. I liked it, sort of. 5 dead zombies.


I don't know who I would recommend The Devil's Rejects to. It was a sick movie, totally exploitative, like those really bad 70s movies. But Rob Zombie did a wonderful job at it.

This movie showed that Zombie could direct a movie without relying on his own musical talents. He used a wonderful 70s soundtrack, including a real good use of Free Bird.

You're not supposed to like the characters. The main characters are psychotic killers and the Sheriff out to get them is no better than they are as a person. He hires bounty hunters who kill hookers without mercy to get to the psycho family.

Before watching the movie, I read an interview with Rob Zombie and a few of the actors in I think it was Fangoria magazine. Zombie really wanted to make the movie over the top. His argument was that when you have planes flying into buildings, you have to make the movie world worse than the real world, to make the real world liveable. Going into the movie, I understood what he was trying to do completely.

For the record, this movie should have had an X rating. It was way too violent to bring the kiddies. Junior won't see it until he's 18. I'd rather he see a porno than this, seriously. But for film buffs who have seen the 70s exploitation films, I'd highly recommend this one. 8 dead zombies.

Hot Italian Babe - Monica Bellucci

Okay, Cultureshocked convinced me to go ahead and post Monica Bellucci again, even though I posted her earlier. As I previously mentioned, he had the wonderful idea of posting a hot babe that corresponds with the ethnicity I'm posting jokes of. So it's a day late.

Dave, I know. I'll see Passion of the Christ one of these days. It's just too hard for me to stomach seeing Jesus tortured like that. If it were Passion of the Binks, I would have seen it ten times by now. But it's not.

For those of you who don't know, Bellucci starred in it. She also starred in Irreversible. She does seem to get casted in controversial movies, but she's a good actress. And she's gorgeous. And no, Jenn, if I were single, there's no way I could be platonic with Ms. Bellucci. She's smart, she's talented, she's gorgeous, she speaks four or five languages. So unless she had some serious B.O., or she chewed with her mouth open, no way at all.


By the way, what's with Europeans and cigarettes? Just wondering.

Ethnic jokes - Italian

I don't want to post a disclaimer each time. That's getting old already. You all know the drill. So it's on to the jokes. Oh, one warning though, although I don't post profanity in the blog part, I don't edit the comments section. And one of the jokes is PG-13 so you might want to read them first to yourselves before reading them to your kids.

First though, if you haven't figured out yet, I love Italian women. I've already listed Monica Bellucci and Alessia Merz as hot chicks. I've listed Carla Gugino as one too, but she's an American. It doesn't take a genius though to figure out her ancestry. "Gugino, what is that, um, is she from Bhutan?"

They're spunky. They're passionate. Their food rules. I could eat Italian every day for the rest of my life and I won't complain. But come on, you have to laugh at these jokes. They're just so, Italian. You've probably already heard that the three shortest books in the world are Great English Chefs, Jewish Charities, and Italian War Heroes. Here are a few you probably haven't heard. Enjoy.




A bus stops and two Italians get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. A lady behind them tries to ignore them, but just can't.

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

At this point, the lady has had enough and interrupts. "Watch your mouths, men! I don't know how it is in Italy, but in this country, we don't talk about our sex lives on the bus!"

"Huh?" One of the Italians replies. "I'm not-a-talkin' about sex. I'm-a trying to teach-a my friend how to spell Mississippi."



You know how to sink an Italian ship?
Put it in water.



Do you know how to spot the Italian plane?
It's the one with hair on its wings.



A sign on the garage says "For sale, Italian tires."
"Dago through rain.
Dago through snow.
Dago through mud.
But when dago flat, dago wop, wop, wop."



And lastly, you know you're Italian when you could bench press 300 pounds, you have to shave twice a day, and you still cry with Momma yells at you.

I can't stand Windows

My new job entails both Unix and Windows environments. I'm going to confess something to you. I can't say this at work because they'll have a cow.

I hate Windows. Windows is as exciting as a traffic jam. It's like covering up your favorite fishing hole with a concrete slab and putting a strip mall there. That's Windows for you.

In the old office in Bellevue, WA, across from Seattle, we had a problem with one of the urinals. You'd flush it, and it would just keep flushing. So we'd call the owner of the building and let him know the urinal's Microsofting again.

Windows has viruses. You have to worry about attachments. You have to worry about security holes. You have to worry about someone breaking into your computer. These are flaws, and the reason is simply Microsoft does not hire the most talented. In fact, it generally hires the least talented.

I know this from experience. I used to live there and turned down a job with them. They're wackos, like an overgrown cult. They want someone who will conform and never question his or her boss' decisions. They want people who will give their every waking hour to Microsoft. They expect you to work 60-80 hours a week for the first few years. Screw that, I want to live.

If you want proof of this, download videos of Steve Ballmer jumping up and down like a monkey. Or visit the campus yourself. Microsoft employees all have that look, like they just came out of the pods in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. You could spot them across the restaurant.

From a technical standpoint, their operating systems suck. The performance is horrible. My main machine to this day is a PII 300 mhz box running linux. It's fine for everything. Trying sticking Windoze XP on that box and it will die a horrible death. Actually, don't. I love that old box.

Compile a java product, side by side, with one box running FreeBSD or Linux and the other a Windoze operating system. Hit 'ant' at the same time. The Unix box (FreeBSD, Linux, MacOS X, Solaris from Sun, they're all Unix - in fact everyone's now Unix except for Microsoft) will complete about three times faster than the Windoze box.

It's no coincidence that Apple went to Unix. It's also no coincidence that just about every real server on the internet is running some flavor of Unix.

Oh, and you don't have to worry about viruses either when you run Unix. The only time you have to worry about viruses is when you're holding something with a virus in it and you send it to your friend running Windoze. Whoops, sorry buddy. There goes your computer. Poor guy. When I get rich, I'll buy you a Unix box and you'll never have to worry about that again.

Sometimes sleeping in is a good thing

When I went to college the first time, I had a wealthy roommate, we'll call him...Bernardo.

Bernardo's parents owned a pimp cabin up in the Sierras that's bigger than most people's houses. They had money.

At the time, I had never been skiing before. I had no desire to. I didn't have the money to do it anyways, so when they woke up at six in the morning to go skiing, I stayed behind with two of Bernardo's slacker friends.

We woke up at the crack of noon and raided his fridge, gobbling down leftover meat, bread, milk, cheese, and whatever else we could find that wouldn't take too much effort to put together. Then one of us had a lightbulb go off. I forgot who, and don't want to take credit for it because I have no idea if it was my idea or not.

Let's not let them back in.

You see, California's mountains get snow. They get so much snow that people like the Donners got lost and ate each other. So the cabin had two entrances. One was snowed in, the other required climbing up the slippery wooden stairs to the deck. Come to think of it, this cabin would probably be easy to defend from zombies during winter time.

This gave us time to make weapons. By one o'clock, we had started. We made literally hundreds of snowballs and we made some big bombs if one of them would be so foolish to try to muscle their way upstairs.

After making sure we had enough ammunition for at least one hour of throwing, we blocked ourselves in, making a giant wall in the middle of the staircase and sticking icicles out of it, so it resembled one of those Vietcong death traps in that John Wayne Green Beret movie. Anyone lunging at that thing would simply die.

The one who finished the wall and stuck the icicles in had to be carried up on the railing by the other two of us. It was ugly and we hoped we didn't drop him or else we'd have to take his broken leg to the hospital instead of raining ice cold death on Bernardo and the other two skiing fools.

So we sat. And waited. And waited. And finally we heard the chains of Bernardo's car drive up the street. Ha ha.

Using those cheap plastic sleds as shields, we took cover and they knew something was up immediately. They approached cautiously and right as they got within striking distance, three snowballs shot at them, pelting them in their thick ski jackets.

The three of them bolted, taking cover behind trees and making their own snowballs. They countered, but their attacks were futile. For one, we had the upper ground and we had so many snowballs we didn't have to aim. We just kept throwing, aiming at the upper body because a high snowball causes a ducking response.

It took them a half hour to take the icicles down from our death trap and start dismantling the wall. Whenever they got close, they got pelted mercilessly. They used everything they could for shields but it was no use. Any skin that showed got hit hard. Keep in mind we were all young and in shape at the time, playing sports every chance we got. So when we hit someone with a snowball, it hurt.

Needless to say, we won that battle. They had to call for a ceasefire and we ignored their first and second requests, but acknowledged their third. That will teach them for waking up bright and early. Sometimes, it's just better to sleep in.

Why Third Parties still matter

It was in the mid-1990s when I initially became disgusted at both the Democrat and Republican parties. As someone who's socially liberal, fiscally conservative, patriotic, believes in the Bill of Rights unedited, loves open space, and has a gun fetish, I felt abandoned by both parties.

I see them both as big government, big spending, and in the pockets of corporations rather than thinking of what's in the best interest of the common American. Take illegal immigration for instance. Both the Democrats and the Republicans are trying to bend over backwards to appeal to illegal immigrants while turning their backs on American citizens. President Bush went as far as calling the Minutemen Project a bunch of "vigilantes."

Well, I had already had enough and have been voting Third Party since the '96 election. And no, it's not a wasted vote. Here's why.

1) Major parties steal platforms from Third Parties. When Third Parties get too big, the major parties realize they are losing votes to the Third Parties so they steal pieces of their platform, the same pieces that got those Third Parties votes in the first place.

2) Major parties are often closer to how you feel. If you're sick of the Democrats and Republicans, stop holding your nose and voting for them and vote with your conscience. Vote with someone who really reflects you. There are so many Third Parties out there that chances are you'll find one that appeals to you.

3) Third Parties are not a wasted vote. The only wasted vote is the one not cast. So instead of blaming someone who voted for a Third Party candidate when your major party candidate lost, blame the guy who made an excuse not to make the ballot box. Folks, unless you're throwing up blood or visiting a dying relative, there really is no excuse to miss voting. The polls are open all day from very early to very late and if an employer tries to make you work the whole day, they could be in serious trouble with the law.

So if you still like the Democrats or Republicans, fine. I don't, but you're entitled to your belief. What appeals to you might not appeal to me. I just don't see too many people in the world drawing up blueprints for pirate and mermaid animatronics, and I'm sure there's something you do that I think is weird too. Politics is the same way.

But as I said, the only wasted vote is the one not cast. I would
love to see a Third Party candidate start getting big. Then maybe
we could have real campaign finance reform, an end to political
correctness, and a move forward for this country.

Sheila, and?

Two good friends of mine are script writers. One is currently working on a horror flick and Dave is working on something else. Many of you are writers as well. Some of you are really, really good too.

Some of you are artists. But with any artistic skills, like writing, music, drawing, painting, etc., it's hard to make a living doing that exclusively. You either need superb marketing skills or a lot of luck to get rich off of it in your lifetime.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue it. My advice is to keep the day job and continue working on your projects on the side. Persistence is key, because with persistence, you will build a market for your projects.

As for me, I'm a fanboy. I love reading people's works. I buy art all the time from local galleries. I still support local bands. And I love animatronics.

I'm currently working on a baby dragon. I left its skeleton in Northern California though, so don't expect it to get done any time soon. I'm going to buy at least two mermaids (probably three) and several pirates as well. Dave suggested a name, Sheila, for one of the mermaids. I like that so I'm definitely naming one of them Sheila. But what to name the others?

So, here's my question to you. If you had an animatronic mermaid chillin' in your living room, what would you name it? Oh, just one more thing. In case you are wondering, yes, animatronics are handy when the zombies come. Zombies are attracted to both movement and smell. If a zombie somehow manages to get inside your house, the animatronic will momentarily distract him. That should give you enough time to get a good head shot off.

Ethnic jokes - Irish

DISCLAIMER - I do an ethnic jokes post about once a week. If I haven't gotten to your ethnicity yet, wait. I'm not neglecting you. It's just I haven't gotten to you yet. Since there are plenty of ethnicities, there's plenty of love to go around. And one warning. Although I will either not post profanity or asterisk it out, I will not be censoring the comments section so if your kids learn any bad words from the comments section, it's not my fault. So here's another week of ethnic jokes...

Cultureshocked had a wonderful idea about combining ethnic jokes with a hot chick of that ethnicity. Wonderful idea it is, but for me, not practical. Case in point, the Irish.

I won't say I think Irish women are hot. I will flat out say Irish women are hot. Problem is, I don't know any hot Irish Irish women. I know tons of hot American and Aussie women of Irish decent though. My wife is primarily of Irish decent. I have a buddy with a hot Irish wife. And a Catholic friend of mine should have brought home a hot Irish wife. He decided to become a monk instead. And no, I will not post pics of any of them.

So, sorry Cultureshocked. I just can't do your idea. If I had an assistant to research hot chicks for me, sure, I could pull it off. But between work, work, and more work, it's kind of a time issue. Unless of course someone's willing to volunteer to do some research. I could give them a one week's notice about the ethnicity too.

Anyways...here they are, Irish jokes.


What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were sitting together at a bar. At the same time, flies landed in each one of their drinks. The Englishman brushed his beer aside and asked for another one. The Scotsman picked up the fly and threw it aside. The Irishman however grabbed the fly and screamed at it "spit it out! spit it out!"



The Pope and the Queen of England were standing on the balcony before hundreds of thousands of folks in England. They were talking to each other while the crowd grew restless.

"Did you know with one wave my hand," the Queen bragged, "I could make thousands of English people cheer?"

The Pope nodded, urging her on.

So the Queen waved and the crowd went hysterical.

Not wanting to be outdone, the Pope turned to the Queen and said, "do you know that with one wave of my hand, I could make the Irish love me forever?"

"How's that?," the Queen asked with a doubting voice.

So the Pope slapped her.

Hot America babe - Carla Gugino

I have yet to see Sin City. Although I'd readily admit that Jessica Alba's hot and I've had her listed earlier as a Hot American babe, I'm starting to like Carla Gugino better in terms of hotness.

Ms Gugino has a presense to her. As Hollywood almost never shows parents to be sexy, she was one sexy mother in the Spy Kids movie. Of course, Robert Rodriguez knows sexy. He knows how to bring out a woman's sexiness. Salma Hayek for example was soooo sexy in her two movies with Mr. Rodriguez. She's boring everywhere else.

But Ms Gugino's always sexy. She's sexy in She Creature, a horror movie where she's running from a mythical beast. She's sexy in Spy Kids as a wife, mother, and a spy. I'm willing to bet she was sexy in Sin City as well.

So Ms Gugino, you're welcome in my anti-zombie compound any time. Don't worry, my mermaids are just animatronics and won't try to eat you.