Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Ethnic jokes - Irish

DISCLAIMER - I do an ethnic jokes post about once a week. If I haven't gotten to your ethnicity yet, wait. I'm not neglecting you. It's just I haven't gotten to you yet. Since there are plenty of ethnicities, there's plenty of love to go around. And one warning. Although I will either not post profanity or asterisk it out, I will not be censoring the comments section so if your kids learn any bad words from the comments section, it's not my fault. So here's another week of ethnic jokes...

Cultureshocked had a wonderful idea about combining ethnic jokes with a hot chick of that ethnicity. Wonderful idea it is, but for me, not practical. Case in point, the Irish.

I won't say I think Irish women are hot. I will flat out say Irish women are hot. Problem is, I don't know any hot Irish Irish women. I know tons of hot American and Aussie women of Irish decent though. My wife is primarily of Irish decent. I have a buddy with a hot Irish wife. And a Catholic friend of mine should have brought home a hot Irish wife. He decided to become a monk instead. And no, I will not post pics of any of them.

So, sorry Cultureshocked. I just can't do your idea. If I had an assistant to research hot chicks for me, sure, I could pull it off. But between work, work, and more work, it's kind of a time issue. Unless of course someone's willing to volunteer to do some research. I could give them a one week's notice about the ethnicity too.

Anyways...here they are, Irish jokes.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were sitting together at a bar. At the same time, flies landed in each one of their drinks. The Englishman brushed his beer aside and asked for another one. The Scotsman picked up the fly and threw it aside. The Irishman however grabbed the fly and screamed at it "spit it out! spit it out!"

The Pope and the Queen of England were standing on the balcony before hundreds of thousands of folks in England. They were talking to each other while the crowd grew restless.

"Did you know with one wave my hand," the Queen bragged, "I could make thousands of English people cheer?"

The Pope nodded, urging her on.

So the Queen waved and the crowd went hysterical.

Not wanting to be outdone, the Pope turned to the Queen and said, "do you know that with one wave of my hand, I could make the Irish love me forever?"

"How's that?," the Queen asked with a doubting voice.

So the Pope slapped her.


Blogger United We Lay said...

I love the one about the queen and the Pope.

8/02/2005 6:33 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

Can we give Kathy Ireland an honorary Hot Irish Babe title?

Otherwise, we'd be left with Sinead O'connor or something.

8/02/2005 6:50 PM  
Blogger Robert said...

Otherwise, we'd be left with Sinead O'connor or something.

Bald chicks need lovin’ too…don’t they?

8/02/2005 6:58 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Hahaha! The Pope's a gangsta!

8/02/2005 11:15 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

What happens in the Irish Parliament?
Answer: Everyone talks but no one Listens.

8/03/2005 1:21 AM  
Blogger Vest said...

It is believed by most Irish people that, the Paddy fields of Asia originated from Ireland.

8/03/2005 1:29 AM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

8/03/2005 6:54 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

I love the Pope joke. My co-worker actually did research on the origin of Irish jokes for a history class in his undergrad. Talk about a fun romp.

Now all you gotta do is hit Italian and you'll be done with me ;-) I always joke that I'm Irish and Italian - so I hate myself.

8/03/2005 7:09 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

Two Irish men walk out of a bar .... no really, that could happen !

8/03/2005 7:44 AM  
Blogger Slade said...

Laughing out loud!!! LOVE the queen pope joke!!! These aren't really that bad, ZS

8/03/2005 7:50 AM  
Blogger Dawner said...

Bring on the laughs. Great blog Zombie. So fun, glad to see I can escape from all of the world's blandness. I'm glad you like the art I'm posting one for you today that I think you will really like.

8/03/2005 8:52 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Sinead's actually quite pretty. Wish she'd grow her hair back and quit the attitude.

For those of you who added jokes, some good ones. Keep 'em coming if you know more.

Here's another.

An Irish guy walks into a bar alone and orders three beers at a time. He drinks them, pays his bill, and leaves. Same thing next day. Same thing the day after that. Well, finally on the fourth day of this, the bartender asked why three beers?

The Irish guy explained that he and his two brothers had a tradition of drinking a beer together after work, so in their honor (since they are in Ireland still and he's now in America), he'd drink one beer for himself and one for each of them.

You know how people are. Soon everyone knew the story and enjoyed seeing the nice Irish kid with the three beers after work.

One day, he came in and only ordered two beers. The entire bar went silent, so silent you could hear a pin drop. The bartender's eyes watered as he poured the two beers. Finally, he delivered the beers to the young Irish lad and said while wiping a tear from his eye "I'm very sorry, son."

"Huh?," the Irish lad asked as he took a swig from one of his two beers. Then he chuckled. "Oh, it's not what you think. I quit drinking."

8/03/2005 9:34 AM  
Blogger Miranda said...

*grin* I like the last one.

8/03/2005 2:07 PM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...""Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guineas Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, no Brenda......no.""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

8/03/2005 2:11 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

These are ALL great!!
I used to know a lot of Irish jokes, but I can't remember a single one right now.

8/03/2005 4:13 PM  
Blogger dave said...

great jokes, zombie. my favorite was the first one :)

8/03/2005 4:37 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

hey zomnieslayer
hahah...cool thoughs

you can actually make serious things sound wacky..

keep is goin'

8/03/2005 8:43 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Wait! I have a multi-ethnic one!

So, this Irishman, this Mexican, and this New Mexican (you know, from the State), were sitting out in the desert drinking one night.

So the Irishman, he takes out a brand new bottle of whiskey, takes a big swig, throws it up in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots it in mid-air, and says "In Ireland, we be having lots of Whiskey".

The Mexican then takes out a brand new bottle of Tequila, takes a big swig, throws it up in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots it in mid-air, and says "In Me-hico, we have much Tequila".

So the New Mexican, looks at them both, pulls out a can of Coors, takes a big swig, chucks it up in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the Mexican and says, "In New Mexico, we have too many damn Mexicans."

8/03/2005 9:22 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

All - thanks for the kind comments. Methinks the ethnic joke thing is popular so I'm going to keep doing these once a week. I got a lot of ethnicities in queue.

Zombie - I just heard that earlier except a different version, one with an Irishman, a Texan, and a Mexican with the boat sinking. So they started throwing stuff overboard. Well, you could guess the punchline.

Bsoholic - Good jokes. I heard that first one before as a pirate joke. "Aaaaarr. It's driving me nuts."

8/03/2005 10:07 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Love them all, especially the Queen & Pope joke!


8/03/2005 11:15 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

zombieslayer this one's for you...not an orginal joke though....
There was this Sardarjee (note that they are male version of Blondes--> kindda dumb and all that)
So like i was sayin the Sarderjee was doin an experement on a frog in his lab
HE cut the 1st leg and cried 'jump' and the frog jumped
He then cut the 2nd leg and cried 'JUMP' the the frog did jump
Then he cut the 3rd leg and cied 'JUMP'...much to his surprise the frog did jump
He then cut the last 4th leg and cried 'JUMP' BUT sadly the frog didn't jump and laid there motionless
The SArderjee took out his notepad and wrote
Observation : if you cut all the legs of a Frog it becomes DeaF.

8/04/2005 12:07 AM  
Blogger savage said...

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Can I have a beer?
Where's my beer?
Can I have my beer now, please?
apparently they won't do it.

8/04/2005 1:58 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Savage - that joke related to your five stages of grief?

Can I have a beer?

Denial that they're in the dark
Where's my beer?

Can I have my beer now, please?

Acceptance, so now they're polite about it.

Tenxin - heard that one as a Polish joke. Replace Sardarjee with Polish scientist. Funny how different cultures make fun of different people the same way. ;)

Bridget - yes, my fav as well.

8/04/2005 8:53 AM  
Blogger Vest said...

The I R A Guy, when ordered to blow up a Bus, burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

8/05/2005 5:17 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

Two Irish astronauts preparing to go to the Sun; are told they will burn up if they attempt it, replied.
"Dont worry, we are going at nightime".

8/05/2005 5:27 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Vest - strange you heard those last two as Irish jokes. I heard the first one as a Polish joke, involving a Polish mob guy. The second joke, I heard it as an Aggie joke. You see, my youngest brother went to UT (University of Texas) Austin and their rival was Texas A&M (the Aggies). They'd make jokes about how stupid the Texas A&M scientists are. For example:

You heard about the two latest inventions from Texas A&M?

The solar powered flashlight, and the ejection seat for a helicopter.

8/05/2005 10:31 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

The English guy looked over the fence and told his Pakistani neighbour "Give me the egg my chicken has laid in your garden" The Paki say's "Oh no no no; chicken lay egg in my garden my egg"
English guy say's "English law states in cases like this, the owner of the chicken kicks the other guy in the nuts and then the other guy kicks back in return, this is repeated until the guy who backs down loses the egg".
The paki agrees and gets kicked in the goolies and in terrible pain cries oh ooh oooh; that very very badly hurts but now it is my turn.
The English guy say's "Keep the frigging egg.

8/06/2005 1:47 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Vest - you had my wife cracking up. Wonderful joke. thanks.

8/06/2005 10:00 AM  
Blogger savage said...

Keep the egg. (ha!)
Five stages:
    1. Denial
    2. Anger
    3. Bargaining
    4. Depression
    5. Acceptance

"Can I have a beer please?" (Who cares if we're in the dark; beer would be nice -- better'n light -- Denial)
"Where's my beer, ye jackass?" (Anger, I mean, duh.)
"Tell ye wat, ye git de beer, all git de lite." (Bargaining)
"Can I have my beer, now, please?" (Depression -- we've all been there.)
"Blimey" (Acceptance)

8/07/2005 4:17 AM  
Blogger Vest said...

Lovers Cyryl and Cedric aproached the bar," Two large Gins please lovey" say's Cyril.
"Oxygens or Hydrogens?" asked the smart ass bartender.
"Neither" Says Cedric, "We've changed the order, two turds please". "Ok then what sort of turds would you like?" asks the barman.
"There are three kinds of turd ducky" say's Cedric, Musturd, Custurd and you you big Shit.

8/09/2005 2:01 AM  
Blogger savage said...

VEST! [slaps knee]

8/09/2005 2:50 AM  

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