Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Hot Polish Babe w/Polish jokes

Thanks Cultureshocked. I had no idea about Magdalena Wrobel until he told me about her. I guess I need to get out more.

She's definitely a hottie. See, Napolean knew what he was doing when he had a Polish mistress. I bet Napolean and I had similar tastes. Plus, I'm sure he would have done fine in a zombie invasion. That guy was smart. I also bet Napolean would have enjoyed hanging out with the Zombieslayer. Just imagine Napolean in that big hat drinking a martini while scoping out the hot babes walking down State Street in Santa Barbara. I bet if we had enough martinis, I'd think I could speak French and he'd think his English is understandable. Now, wouldn't that be fun?

Oh, I'm supposed to be talking about this Polish Babe. Well, um...
She's hot.

While I'm completely off subject, if you like fiction, I'd highly recommend Southerngirl's blog because she's been publishing an absolutely wonderful SciFi novella on her blog. Start from the beginning though. Right now it's on Chapter 3. If I had my own publishing company, I'd publish this myself.



Polish jokes

Another week, another ethnicity. This time, the good folks of Polish decent get some lovin' from the Zombieslayer. You all know the disclaimer. If I haven't hit your ethnicity, wait, I'll get around to it. Oh, this time, nothing's even PG-13, so no worries about the kiddies.

What do you do if a Polish guy throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.


How do you get a one-armed Polish guy out of a tree?
You wave.


Two Polish guys are on separate sides of a river. One yells to the other, "excuse me, how do I get to the other side?"
The other Polish guy thinks about it for a minute, then shouts back, "you are on the other side!"


A guy walks into a bar and sees his friend. His friend buys him a beer and the new guy proceeds to tell his friend a Polish joke. But the bartender interrupts.

"You see that big guy over there? Well, he's a former NFL defensive tackle. Had four QB sacks in one game. And he's Polish."

The bartender continues "and that guy there. He's currently on the U.S. Olympic team for weightlifting. And his parents are both Polish. And I'm a black belt in Karate, Kung Fu, and Judo, and I'm Polish. Now, do you still want to tell that Polish joke?"

The guy replies "no."

"And why's that?," the bartender asks smugly.

So the guy leans forward towards the bartender, looks him squarely in the eye, and says "because I'm not in the mood to explain it three times."

40 Comments:

Blogger tenxinchoden said...

first!!

man! gotta stop cryin out first everytime!!

*rolls over and laughs*

no am not from poland or an irish for that matter *phew*

8/17/2005 12:38 AM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

ZS, much disappointed here. You left out many Polish jokes.

How do you sink a Polish submarine?
You knock on the hatch.


Yup, 100% Polish and damn ashamed of it.

8/17/2005 1:55 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Tenxin - You sure you're not Irish? ;)
Hey, in Bhutan, who do you make fun of? See in America, we make fun of so many ethnicities because there are so many here.

Mybrid - Don't feel too bad. Copernicus was Polish. He proved to the Western world that the earth went around the sun. It was a huge deal back then.

8/17/2005 7:47 AM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

ZS, you're telling ME who Copernicus was? It'd be a good asummption to make that I've heard that name since birth. After all, what other Polish heroes would I look up to?!

8/17/2005 9:10 AM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Oh yeah, she is totally hot. Damn. I can see I'm going to have to start recruiting for the zombie side of the camp. You're snatching up all the hotties!!!

Polish Hero:
Casimir Pulaski

I only know that because freakin' Illinois state offices close on "Casimir Pulaski" day, but do I get the day off? NO...

8/17/2005 9:30 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Here's a huge list of
Polish heroes
. You'll note a lot of Nobel prize winning scientists and five Nobel prize winners for literature. That's doing consirably better than where my ancestors are from (Narnia), although if it weren't for the White Witch holding us down...

8/17/2005 9:33 AM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

So I skimmed through the list and was glad to see another famous Pole I grew up on - Stanislaw Lem. Anyone read his books? ZS, they're up your aisle!

And did we all forget the most well known Pole of all times - Pope John Paul II, may he rest in peace ???!

8/17/2005 11:25 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

i thought polish heros, were a rarity, kinda like irish cuisine ... (you know, throw food in a stew, cook it for 17 hours...then eat with a straw ...)

8/17/2005 1:50 PM  
Blogger hutytito said...

ROFL!!!! I love the jokes!!!! Here in Arkansas we substitute Aggies for Poles.

Ok, now I have to tell you my favorite Republican joke:

A young man is hitch-hiking along side a highway. A guy in a Cadillac pulls up and asks him, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"

The young man says, "I'm a Democrat."

The guy in the Cadillac drives away.

Next a Lincoln drives up and the guys asks him, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican? "

The young man says, "I'm a Democrat."

The guy in the Lincoln drives away.

This hot babe in a convertible drives up and asks, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"

The young man decides he needs to change tactics and replies, "I'm a Republican."

The hot babe says "Hop in".

They start speeding down the highway and the wind is whipping over the windshield and blowing the woman's short skirt farther and farther up her leg.

The young guy is watching this and getting hotter and hotter. Finally he yells, "Pull over!!!"

She does and asks, "What's wrong?'

The guy replies, "I've only been a Republican for 5 minutes and I already feel like screwing somebody."

(thanks for the link recommedation. You are too sweet.)

8/17/2005 2:06 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Southerngirl - Where did you hear that? Wow, that's the very first political joke I've heard. I am no longer a political joke virgin. :)
As for Aggie jokes, my brother went to UT Austin, so I've heard quite a few of those.

Thomcat - Polish military heroes is an oxymoron. When the Nazis struck Poland with tanks, Poland struck back with horses. Without knowing history, you can guess who won. But they've produced a lot of intelligent and talented folks over the years so I'm still wondering why Polish people are called stupid. How many countries have produced more Nobel prizes than Poland? Probably four or five, tops.

As for Irish food, now there's another oxymoron. Actually British Isles food is an oxymoron.

Mybrid - Unfortunately unfamiliar with that author. My big problem nowadays is I read 100% non-fiction, except for Harry Potter. Ten years ago I was the opposite. Maybe it will flip-flop again in ten years.

8/17/2005 2:28 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

dang i got a french joke ... but i suppose this isn't the place or time ...

8/17/2005 2:37 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Thom - If it's a French joke, it's always the place and time.

8/17/2005 3:03 PM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

Thom, if it's a French joke, there's a post further down where you can add it to mine. We LOVE French jokes here. Right, ZS? ;-)

8/17/2005 3:11 PM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

Southerngirl, ROFLMAO!!! I think I can even remember this one for future telling.

8/17/2005 3:12 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

oh goody goody !!!



A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half-dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

8/17/2005 3:14 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

Thom, if that isn't a true story, it SHOULD be!

8/17/2005 3:34 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

ok , a polish joke ... lets try this one ...

An American guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The American guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it "working?"
To which the Polish guy responds,
"Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it'sworking....No, it's not working...."

8/17/2005 3:40 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Mybrid - of course.

Thanks Thom. Good jokes. Especially love that French one.

A Canadian, a Brazilian, and a Polish guy rob a bank together. Everything goes wrong and they end up killing a few cops in their escape.

They get captured and sentenced to death by firing squad.

As the Canadian guy is about to be executed, the captain of the firing squad yells "Ready! Aim!"

Then the Canadian yells "Tornado!"

Everyone looks up and he runs away.

The Brazilian's next. The captain yells "Ready! Aim!"

Then the Brazilian yells "Tidal wave!"

Everyone looks up and he runs away.

The Polish guy's next. The captain yells "Read! Aim!"

Then the Polish guy yells "Fire!"

8/17/2005 4:06 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

One day, a Polish man is flying on a three-engine jet from Poland to America. In the middle of the flight, one of the engines dies down, and stops working. The captain says, "Don't worry, we can still fly with two engines, but we'll be an hour behind schedule."
Then, about a half an hour later, another engine dies out. The captain reassures them, and tells them they will be two hours behind schedule.

The Polish guy turns to the guy sitting next to him and says, "If the third one goes out, we'll be up here all night!"

8/17/2005 4:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good post... thanks.

8/17/2005 4:26 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Love the 'oh goody goody' thom had right next to his little cat laughing....

Almost married (at diff times) two polish guys. My little bro did marry someone right off the boat polish. She's the witch (tried to stab him for not planting flowers? That one).

Anyhow, that being said--there is the classic polish joke:

A man drops dead right on the main street of a town. He is carrying no identification. The cops can't identify him either--no deformities, tatooes, nothing. They ask the bystanders if any of them know the man. Two step forward. Guy 1, with a heavy polish accent, says " His name is Jimmy and I can prove it. He have has two assholes"! Say the cops sceptically, "how do you know that?" Guy 2 says "Because every time we went to the bar, the bartender would say "here comes JImmy with the two assholes".

Ba DUM bum!

Number two:

A right-off-the-boat Polish guy walked into a store and asked for a bottle of gin in a very heavily accented, slightly understandable way.

The owner said "You're Polish, aren't you? Ha ha ha ha get outa here". The POlish guy got mad, stomped out, and signed up for English lessons. Studied for months. Got rid of the accent, learned to speak English perfectly.

Months pass in this effort. He graduated with honors.

Then he went back to the store where he had asked for asprin, and repeated his request. The owner had the same reply, only added "I kicked you out before, and I'm doing it again! Go back to Poland!".

The Polish man said, I now speak perfect English? What's wrong with my request?

The owner replied "This is a hardware store".

8/17/2005 4:56 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

oops messed that one up! Change 'asprin' to 'gin', please!

8/17/2005 4:58 PM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

anonymous: "gee zombieslayer, while you're at it why don't you tell jokes about negros, jews & gays too. why pick on the poles?"

Well, ya see, ZS is quiet smart he killed two birds with one hand by picking on the polish, knowing that there's one reading his blog who's also...JEWISH! [hint, hint, read my blog]

As for negros, why use a derogatory word? I think they prefer to be called black, or African American. I'm sure ZS will cover them soon. Or at least I hope so, because his black friends sort of expect it from him.

Can't say much about gays, but what the heck - I'm sure there are a couple here in the audience who have a sense of humour. ;-)

8/17/2005 5:05 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Mybrid - I just got spammed heavily and deleted that anonymous one you quoted. Whoops. Oh well. :p

I put in my disclaimer to wait. Geez. I'll get around to everyone. Some people are so impatient.

Bridget - Unfortunately, I heard both jokes before but hopefully you got others to laugh. Keep posting if you have more. :)

Thom - Now there's one I haven't heard yet. Thanks.

Okay, so the firing squad regulars all got laid off a week before that execution and they hired a bunch of temps to do the job. Needless to say, they all missed the poor Polish guy. The cops caught the Canadian and the Brazilian, so all three were to be executed by electric chair.

They pull the switch on the Canadian and nothing happens. "It's a sign from God!," someone screams so they let the Canadian go. Same thing to the Brazilian. As they strap the Polish guy to the chair, the Polish guy looks around and exclaims, "Wait! The chair's unplugged!"

8/17/2005 5:19 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

There's a global obsession about the clock striking 10.

In America, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your children are?

In England, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your husband is?

In Paris, they say it's 10:00 do you know where your wife is?

And in Poland, they say it's 10:00 do you know what time it is?

har har har.

And one for the married folks:

Three guys work on a construction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish.

The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunch bag and sighs deeply, saying, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building."

The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says " If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you."

The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says "I'm with you guys."

The next day the lunch bell rings. The white man opens his lunch. He says, "Turkey sandwich. I love my wife!"

The black guy opens his lunch. He says, "Chicken sandwich! I love my wife."

The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said "HAM AGAIN! See ya guys." With that, he jumped off the building.

The white guy says "I feel sorry for him" and the black guy replies, "Hell No ... The motherfucker packs his own lunch."

8/17/2005 5:53 PM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

CS, I actually heard this sandwhich joke from my Polish uncle, in the forum of our entire Polish family. Brings back fond memories of laughter.

8/17/2005 6:30 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

ZS>> umm!! in Bhutan we make fun of our neighbourin' freinds...like SArdarjee *but mind you they are the most clever men*...the PM of india is altually a Sardarjee....i guess they are very tolerent people and don't mind people jokin abt em:)

8/17/2005 8:21 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

How did a Sarderjee tried to kill a bird he just caught
>>He threw it from the roof!

8/17/2005 11:32 PM  
Blogger hutytito said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/18/2005 7:55 AM  
Blogger hutytito said...

ZS-

I thought you and CS might be interested in this Very Important news I fould on another blog:


http://www.boingboing.net/2005/08/17/pornos_rot_slower_th.html

Not only do these types of magazines rot slower due to their "coated, glossy pages". They are also mildly radioactive, which means once you have "participated with them", you can still come back to it later with the aid of a geiger counter. ; )

8/18/2005 7:57 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Where do the Polish keep there armies?
Up their sleevies!

8/18/2005 8:06 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Forgive the typo!

8/18/2005 8:08 AM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

Halarious. Great stuff as always, Zombie.

8/18/2005 8:48 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

is there gonna be a post for cat jokes ?

8/18/2005 10:40 AM  
Anonymous Jesse said...

I know this a late hit, and these are probably old hat, but in the spirit of an old German tradition, I have to toss a few at the French...

The French army has a new battle flag. It consists of three white fleurs de lis on a white background.

The French have a new army tank. It has six gears. The first five are reverse. The sixth is a forward gear in case the enemy gets behind them.

I saw an ad for a French rifle. Never been fired, only dropped once.

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows--it has never been attempted.

What do you call a French fighter jet helping the Americans and British over Iraq?
A Mirage.

What do you call 50,000 Frenchman with their hands in the air?
The French Army.

During WWII there was a joint British and French action. The British commanding officer calls his orderly in and asks him to bring his red jacket. The French commanding officer overhears and inquires why an officer would want to draw attention to himself by wearing red into battle. The Brit replies "If I am wounded in the battle I do not want my men to see it and lose heart." The Frenchie is impressed and calls over his own orderly, demanding, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Also, I have to pay my respects to the recently deceased Czeslaw Milosz, an amazing Polish poet.

And wasn't it a Polish general who held the Turks from invading Europe?

8/18/2005 11:39 PM  
Blogger Dina said...

Lol, I'm half Polish, those jokes were pretty good.
Here are a some jokes for you:

Potatoes
An old Arab man who has been living for 40 years in Idaho wanted to cultivate potatoes in his garden, but digging up the earth was getting to be too hard at his age. His only son, Ali, was studying in France, so he decided to send him an e-mail explaining the situation:
Dear Ali: I feel very disappointed because this year I'll be unable to plant my potatoes in my garden. I am too old to plow the ground. I wish you were here, then my problems would be solved, because you would remove the soil for me. I love you, Dad.
Ali replied, Dad: For God's sake, DO NOT remove the ground of that garden. It's there that I have hidden the "thing". I love you, Ali. At 4 a.m. the next day the local police, plus FBI and CIA agents, along with Pentagon delegates, came in and turn the garden upside down looking for the "thing". They found nothing and they left. The same day the old man received another e-mail from his son: Dear Dad: I am sure you can plant your potatoes now. It was the best I could do in the current circumstances. I love you, Ali.

Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

The Fairy
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and... Abracadabra... two tickets for the new Queen Mary2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.... Abracadabra...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men might be ungrateful idiots... But fairies are...female.

Marketing made Easy
What is marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich.
Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her
and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich...
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback

8/19/2005 3:04 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

You guys and gals are all awesome. Thanks for all those jokes. In my not so humble opinion, the best joke though is totally off-topic and a French joke by Jesse, the one about the 50,000 Frenchmen with their hands in the air.

Thanks everyone, and keep 'em coming if you know more.

8/19/2005 3:13 PM  
Blogger Mokuyobi said...

ok i dont have time to read all these posts but here's a couple..

Where do you hide a Polish man's money so he'll never find it?

Under the soap!

How do you know the virgin in a Polish family? She's the one that can run faster than her brothers!


AhAhAhA
seriously
i use being polish as an excuse for everything. Mostly because im so damn hairy. I say 'dont make fun of my toe hair/unibrow/arm hair/weird occasional nipple hair...I'm of Polish decent."

8/19/2005 10:56 PM  
Blogger savage said...

The last one's great!
-r
PS:
I emailed you.
I forwarded an email to you.
I emailed you again.
I'm ZS's stalker.
My name is Rob, and I'm a loser.
hi.
-=-

8/20/2005 2:28 AM  
Blogger savage said...

dina--
I'm stealing your Arab/Idaho joke.
-r
PS:
My father's in Idaho, for one; for the other, we have a friend here, Kalid from Saudi ... he is involved with the Muslim Student Association (I may have that wrong, maybe it's Muslim Student Union?) ... I think they'll both like that joke.
-=-

8/20/2005 2:46 AM  

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