Saturday, August 27, 2005

Black jokes and hot American babe - Halle Berry

I know I'm going to get a lot of flak for this, but Halle Berry I list with an asterisk. I only like her with hair. Sure, she has one of the prettiest smiles in Hollywood, a perfect pair of breasts, great hips, etc., but I don't like it when she cuts her hair off. Short hair doesn't work with her.

I'm not going to post a link to that topless scene she did in Swordfish. It's because I hated that movie. I was living in Ventura at the time of the filming and got excited to see it because I had a chance to see some of the filming. Even seeing the absolutely gorgeous Halle Berry in it didn't save that awful movie.

I won't get into a discussion about whether or not she earned that Academy Award in Monster's Ball because I have yet to rent it. I forgot which actresses she beat out. I do think that there are several black male actors who are top notch, like Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington. I loved Washington in Glory and Philadelphia. Neither movie though he had the top role. So is the Academy Awards commission racist? I don't know.

Is she a top notch actress? Here's another thing I can't comment on. I hated Swordfish and Die Another Day was just all right. She had only a small billing in the X-Men movies and Executive Decision.

Anyways, here's Ms Berry. I told Cultureshock that I like Tyra Banks better, but I've already listed Ms Banks as a hot babe. Even with short hair though, Ms Berry's welcome in my anti-zombie compound. I'd love to make a mermaid animatronic using her as a model. It will be with long hair though, of course.

Black jokes

For those of you new to the blog, my disclaimer is simple. If you haven't seen your ethnicity yet, have patience. I'll get around to it, unless you're something obscure like Latvian. And I absolutely refuse to post Narnian jokes. Personal reasons that I don't want to get into. Here ya go, black jokes:

What did the black kid down the street get for Christmas?
My bike.

Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he's black.

What do you call a black man who flies an airplane?
A pilot you !@#$%^& racist!

A black guy was vacationing in the Caribbean with some of his buddies when lo and behold, he came across a magic lamp. He knew what to do, giving it a rub and sure enough, a genie popped out and granted him three wishes.

"For my first wish, I want to be rich." So the genie showed him an image of the gold and jewels he had waiting for him when he got home.

The guy smiled deeply, then told the genie "well, nobody's going to believe that a black man got all this gold and all these jewels by finding a magic lamp, so, I want to be white."

Poof! He became white, not just white, but with blue eyes and blonde hair as well.

"Wow, this is cool. Well, for my third wish, I never want to have to work again."

And poof! The genie made him black again.

And lastly, you know you're black when you were named after a President, you make six figures, and you still can't get a $150,000 home loan.


Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I think she is beautiful, but I agree - no short hair for her. I thought she was really good in Monster's Ball. It's sort of a "downer" type movie though, so if you rent it, just know you won't feel the greatest afterwards.

8/27/2005 1:37 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

After catwoman, she's on my list of Oscar winners that might have to give it back. Others on that list include Joe Pesci and Whoopi.

What runs down the hallway yelling "ho-dee-doh"?

A black man running for the elevator.

You should do fat jokes next - I know it's not an ethnicity but it's become socially unacceptable to tell fat jokes, just like ethnic jokes. Equal opportunity, ya know.

8/27/2005 2:08 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Jen - I still need to see Monster's Ball. That's all right, I don't mind downer films.

Laura - I've never seen Catwoman, but as I've said before, a bad director could waste good talent. Look at George Lucas for instance.

I only know one fat joke, and it's one that needs to be said out loud. It's where I say something and you say "so did the fat lady" afterwards. It's like I have two retard jokes (Johnny the retard) but they're both visual.

Thanks for the elevator joke. Geez, I haven't heard that one in over a decade.

8/27/2005 2:13 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

My fave black joke is one that Eddie Murphy did when he was still on Saturday Night Live:

Name 3 things you can't give a black man.

Give up?

A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.

jeez I even hated typing that...

Love Morgan Freeman. Even his NAME is classy.

8/27/2005 3:47 PM  
Blogger exMI said...

I like Halle with short hair too. Avoid Catwoman though, not even Halle in a tight leaterh suit could make that interesting. (shudder)

8/27/2005 7:04 PM  
Blogger savage said...

Ya know, that's true, Morgan Freeman does have a classy name.
I was going to write about other people with interesting names, like "Stone Phillips" then I thought isn't it strange, 'Will Smith?' -- I mean that 'will' is short for 'William' which is usually shortened to 'Bill' -- so one of the most popular actors (don't attack me on the definition of 'popular' -- it ain't my point) has the most common first name and the most common last name.

Also, I think Samual L. Jackson is a cool name.  But it begs the question:  Whatever happened to Samual A. Jackson through Samual K. Jackson?

8/28/2005 2:56 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

Laura; that's definitely NOT a martini ;)

Laura's joke reminded me of one I know:
What are the 3 main African tribes?
Moteas, Mobacks, and Doodas.
Moteas are the butler types that bring their employer refreshments:"Mo tea, suh?"
Mobacks ride the back of the garbage truck and direct the driver to the dumpster: "Mo back, mo back!"
Doodas hang around the welfare office and ask: "Do da checks come in today or do da checks come in tomorrow?"

8/28/2005 5:08 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Eddie Murphy is hysterical. Has anyone ever seen his bit he did on SNL a long time ago about how he disguised himself as a white man to sneek a peek at the white world? If not, go rent the Best of Eddie Murphy SNL - it's SO worth it.

8/28/2005 5:25 AM  
Blogger clothosfate said...

Well, I do agree she is a hot babe, with or withour her hair. As for a good actor... I'd have to say nope. I have seen all those movies, and the only thing I liked her in was X-men, and that was only because she had a cool part.

I thought Monsters Ball was depressing and had no real depth to give it the high praise that it got. Anyone can tell a depressing tale that deals with painful issues, it doesn't automatically make it good story though.

Your jokes are pretty damned funny in a very politically incorrect way :) you rebel.

8/28/2005 9:46 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Clothosfate - I'm at war with political correctness. Our differences are what make us neat. I'd be bored out of my mind if I lived in a country where everyone looked, thought, and acted like me.

Laura - You know, I've heard about that skit but never seen it. One of these days...

Tshsmom - You showed me up. That was funnier than my jokes. :)

Savage - Samual A through K were horrible actors. Samual A was a Polish guy who kept forgetting his lines. Samual B was an Italian guy who grossed everyone out when he had a love scene and refused to shave his body for it. Samual C was an Irish guy who kept showing up drunk to work. I'll have to research D through K, but they all had issues as well.

Exmi - As I've heard. I have no desire to see it. Even the trailer was awful.

Bridget - I wish Eddie Murphy would stop doing kiddie movies and be unPC again. He was so funny when his humor was raw. As for Morgan Freeman, I do love his name. I want that guy in my zombie movie. I even have a role for him. I just hope it gets made before he's too old to play it.

8/28/2005 10:25 AM  
Blogger Slade said...

Aww man, I love Halle Berry with short hair...I love her with any hair! But the long curly is beautiful.

Thanks for posting my joke...when I saw the title I was wondering if you were gonna mention it...hehe

8/28/2005 12:06 PM  
Blogger Moni said...

Halle Berry is purrrty. I don't think she's an exceptionally great actress. I didn't like Monster's Ball. It's like depressing soft core porn. Just my opinion. :)

Hey ZS where are the German, Dutch and Native American jokes?...I'm gettin' antsy here. ;P lol

8/28/2005 4:30 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Moni - They're comin'. As for Dutch jokes, I don't think I have any. But the Dutch have German and Belgian jokes. As for Native American, they're funny because they'll make fun of another tribe, but nobody else would get the jokes.

Slade - She's just cute with short hair. She's gorgeous with it long.

8/28/2005 5:47 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

yay tshsmom that was funny!

ZS, agree totally. PC Eddie is just too sweet..I think Morgan would make a good you!

8/28/2005 8:39 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Ugh... can't stand Halle Berry.

Tyra Banks on the other hand....grroooowwllll.....

8/28/2005 9:01 PM  
Blogger Jasonsan said...

lol. I haven't heard those before. I love it!

8/28/2005 9:34 PM  
Anonymous Michele said...

ZS, you fool, that is not long hair, but long hair extensions you love.
She may be a good actress, but I will never forgive her for that over dramatic embarrassing acceptance speech at the academy awards a few years ago. So over done and awkward. Between her and Julia Roberts (" I just kissed Sidney Poiter! and "I love my life") it was a dark day for women. Morgan won an oscar this year for Million Dollar Baby this year, so he's not too overlooked. Yes, he is awesome. And doesn't he just seem like a nice guy?

8/29/2005 8:02 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Michele - I'm trying to forget that acceptance speech. Hair extentions? No wonder her hair could grow so fast. :p

Jasonsan - When you gonna update your blog?

ZL - I already called dibs on Tyra. That was months ago too.

Bridget - I'd be most honored if Morgan Freeman played me. That's why I'm saying I better get this film out within the next ten years or else he's going to be too old to play this role.

8/29/2005 8:47 AM  
Blogger jenbeauty said...

I actually like her better with the short hair. She does not look right in that pic you have of her.

As for the jokes...I am a bit on the PC side, but you can make fun of my all you want!!

8/29/2005 8:53 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

I think Halle Berry is just an okay actress. I couldn't believe she beat out Nichole Kidman for Moulin Rouge or Renee Zellweiger for Bridget Jones that year. What a shame. That was the year of academy compensating for all those years they ripped off black people--think Morgan Freeman.

8/29/2005 10:27 AM  
Blogger Liquidplastic said...

I laughed until I cried ... your jokes are funny! Now, you must remember, the twin towers were being blown up, and the white house wanted to show the world that America didn't hate black folks, so they had to choose something that wouldn’t cost them any money … that year we got two Oscars, out of how many. But I would have chosen Morgan Freeman any day over Danzel. Even Oprah did better in Color Purple. But you know the saying, beauty before ....

Men, of all color, like hair on women head, and that why we have to pay so much for weave, there really is no exception to the rule here. Of course we women love big things too, but we understand and work with little thing. ;-)

Sure there might be better actress then Halle, but in Monster Ball, she took the pride when she pretended to have an orgasm while Billy Bob went down on her. Now ladies, let’s give credit where credit is due … I have spent 36 years with one man, and to tell you the truth I should have several Oscars to show for my acting abilities!

As for Cat Woman … there were a lot of high end stars and a bad script … I am calling for a redo. But they sold sex, and even with a bad script they got their money worth by creating the Cat Woman’s game.

Halle has had some good part and bad parts … like most actresses. Still I wouldn’t say she can’t act, because I am not making her type of money and I act all the time.

This was a most enjoyable post.

8/29/2005 11:11 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

LP - I've said it before, a bad director could make a good actor look bad (think George Lucas and look at all the talent he had to work with). So I'm still holding off judgement on Halle Barry as an actress. Yes, Catwoman needs to be remade with Robert Rodriguez directing it.

As for Morgan Freeman, Bridget suggested that he play me. I'd be most honored. I love the guy. I just wish he'd get better roles.

Sadie - I'll hold off judgement because I have yet to see Moulin Rouge nor Monster's Ball, although I really like Billy Bob Thorton. I'd like to be fair.

Jenbeauty - In my eyes, Halle's "cute" with short hair but "sexy" with long hair. I know long hair's a lot of work. I've been a heavy metal musician for years and used KMS and Paul Mitchell products.

I'll take her either way, but really prefer her with long hair. Just personal preference.

8/30/2005 9:34 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

I just don't like her, but a lot of it is I can't past her personality (known second-hand; I haven't met her, although there is ample public record of her wackiness).

8/30/2005 3:12 PM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

Isn't she half white? I thought I heard that somewhere. Maybe my brain was just taking a break at that time?

8/30/2005 5:11 PM  

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