Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Dear Zombieslayer

After this week, I'll be taking a hiatus from posting ethnic jokes because my partner in crime, the guy who's supposed to be doing my research for hot chicks for my ethnic jokes, is retired from blogging. That means I'll have to do the research myself. You don't actually expect me to work, do you?

In the meantime, Thom is cool. The guy can write. That said, I shamelessly stole one of his ideas. One warning, his site is R-rated, so I'm warning you ahead of time before checking it out.

Thom helps people out. People ask him questions to help them in their everyday existence so I decided to do the same. So if you're having problems with your life, let me know and I'll give you advice.

So far three people have asked me for help. Here they are, with my responses.

Dear Zombieslayer,
My boyfriend "Jim" doesn't pay enough attention to me. He only says he loves me when I ask him if he does. I really wish he'd say it more often.

My friend "Trisha" used to go out with him and she said that Jim was really nice to her, sending her flowers and chocolates and other surprises. He never did that for me and we've been together for over a year now. What should I do?

Signed,

Desperately Seeking the Truth


Dear Desperately,
That's very nice.
The big question is, how much have you prepared for the upcoming zombie plague? Have you stockpiled food and water? Make sure you have enough food and water to last you for at least a month.
Also, do you have weapons? You should have at least a rifle, a shotgun, and a pistol with a hundred rounds for each. You need to take them to the ranges as often as you can because someone with a firearm who doesn't know how to use it is just as dangerous as the zombies they're shooting at.
Good luck with your stockpiling.
Sincerely,

The Zombieslayer



Dear Zombieslayer,
I used to think my parents never paid attention to me. Now I know I'm wrong, totally wrong. Now I'm convinced that they do the opposite of anything I ask them to do. Why are they so mean to me?

Help me,

Confused


Dear Confused,
You've done an excellent job at reading the minds of your parents and I'm proud of you. Time for a little reverse psychology.
Tell your parents that there are no such things as zombies and they don't need to go out and buy at least one month of food, water, and weapons for the entire family. And after they go out and buy all that stuff, tell them that you don't need to practice shooting because you already are an expert with every type of firearm ever made.
Don't worry, Confused. After you tell them this, everything will be okay. I'll meet you in person when the zombie plague is over and shake your hand (or give you a big hug if you're a hot chick).

Sincerely,

The Zombieslayer


Dear Zombieslayer,
I think I have thorougly prepared for the upcoming zombie plague. I have 37 rifles, 12 shotguns, 28 handguns, a full-size propane tank, a generator, several barrels of gasoline, enough food and water for all my friends and relatives for several months, and we own fourteen acres in the woods and I recently completed a cast iron fence around our main property.
The problem is, I'm bored out of my mind. I've been waiting for this zombie plague you keep talking about, but when is it going to come? My kids are getting ansy and my wife is getting serious cabin fever. What do I do?

Signed,

Bored to Tears


Dear Bored,
Congradulations. You are one of the few who gets it. You're bored? Well, is your wife hot? If so, have her pose in a bikini (it's hot, it's for her comfort) with each one of your firearms. I'll need to see if you purchased the right ones. You can mail the pictures to The Zombieslayer, Santa Barbara, CA. Don't worry, the post office personel all know me. We go shooting together at least once a week.

Looking forward to meeting you when this is all over.

Your future pal,

The Zombieslayer

37 Comments:

Anonymous Michele said...

Hi Zombie. Your post today cracked me up. But, sorry, Thom's a perv, who writes about his love life just to get off describing it to strangers. What happened in the restaurant probably only happened in his mind. But, IF it really DID happen, I was a waitress, and we used to really think people who made out while dining were dorks.
Anyway, I hope he doesn't take over your blog or anything. Ew.

8/30/2005 9:10 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

ok first of all, that isn't a story about my love life ... it's called fiction ... i made an attempt at it ... anyway, thanks for the kudos zombie ...

8/30/2005 9:16 AM  
Blogger hutytito said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/30/2005 9:22 AM  
Blogger hutytito said...

ZS,

LOLOLOLOL! Great advice! I'll be sure to contact you when I need some guidance. ; )

thom,

Ignore Michele. I love your site and your posts.

8/30/2005 9:23 AM  
Blogger Miranda said...

Maybe "Desperately Seeking the Truth's" boyfriend got zombified. *Peers about suspiciously*

8/30/2005 9:46 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Sweet post--just what I needed. I like the idea of the wife posing with all the firearms. That was rich. I actually have a new post today! Hooray for me and hooray for Zombie updating so frequently; you make my morning.

8/30/2005 10:19 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

I wouldn't be able to do this sort of thing. My answer to everyone's problem would be "because you touch yourself at night"... I commend your bravery ;-)

8/30/2005 10:23 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Michele - Thom's very tongue-in-cheek and a great writer, but I guess I should have warned folks that his site is R-rated. My bad.

Thom - Sorry, that was my bad. I should have put a warning that your site isn't exactly for kids. I'll put that up now. Love your site.

SG - Glad you liked it. I've been enjoying your novella but still undecided which male figure would be better for Kara. Or maybe she'll be better off with an Earthling or staying single. ;)

Miranda - I think so. She needs to get away from him before he bites her.

Sadie - Glad to have you back and hope you're feeling great. If I were rich, I'd send over a masseuse. That's one big baby. Ouch. :\

Cool, I'll definitely check out your site.

Laura - A Catholic upbrining?

8/30/2005 10:29 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

R-rated ? hehe Thanks ! I keep forgetting that my stuff isn't for kids too ... anyway, I love your stuff zombie ... and every time I watch Night of the Living Dead ... I root for the zombies ...

8/30/2005 10:34 AM  
Blogger dave said...

this is one of my favorite posts by you, zombie.

adobo rules.

8/30/2005 11:15 AM  
Blogger Slade said...

awesome! hehe

8/30/2005 11:22 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Nope, not really religious upbringing at all... just a commentary american prudishness in general. Dad's a "fallen" catholic actually - all his old stories might make an interesting post someday.

8/30/2005 11:49 AM  
Anonymous Michele said...

Well, gosh, now I feel sort of bad, Thom. I'm sure you're a nice man and a great writer. I'm just not a fan of erotica.
Have you ever thought of Historical Fiction? I love that.
This is off the subject, ZS, but I know you're a hunter. My husband, (Levi's father) got his first bow kill on our property here in Nevada City, a huge four-pointer. He comes from 8 boys, and they all are legendary hunters. The baby of the family actually once killed 2 deer with one bow! Cleanly went through one buck to his deer-partner standing close by.

8/30/2005 12:20 PM  
Anonymous Michele said...

Ahem... I meant he killed 2 bucks with one ARROW.

8/30/2005 12:22 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

ATTENTION ZOMBIESLAYER READERS:

Please disregard the suggestions made in this post. This was only an exercise. Had this been an actual zombie emergency, you would have been directed to the nearest cemetary or emergency center for further instructions.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

8/30/2005 12:50 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Michele - Wow! That's like a Davy Crocket story. It's funny, I've never bagged a deer. Been on only one deer hunt and it was really my Native American friends showing me how to track. Saw some doe or two but no bucks. I usually hunt gamebirds.

However, in Texas, had several friends bag deer and we'd have venison for months. :)

Laura - You ought to do a series of posts on your blog. Would love to hear them.

Slade - Always happy to make you smile.

Dave - I hope you get done with your errands so you could make it. We're gonna pig out tonight.

Thom - I don't know how many times I have to say it - never go into your basement to hide from the zombies. That one annoying guy deserved to die. But Ben's my hero. That guy was too cool.

Oh, everybody, don't listen to Zombie Lama. He wants to eat you.

ZL - I already told you that I'll leave out some lawyers and annoying celebrities for you and your peeps. Now don't get greedy and go after any of my readers or else I'll have to shoot you in the leg or something.

8/30/2005 12:55 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Huh? Wha??? I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. I would never go after any of your (tasty) readers. I'm actually shocked and offended that you would suggest that I want nothing more than to eat their (luscious, delectable) brains.

OOh, could you leave the politicians too?

8/30/2005 1:07 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

ZL - Well, the problem with eating the brains of politicians is you won't get very much.

8/30/2005 1:09 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Yeah, but they make great appetizers!

8/30/2005 1:12 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

hehe (whispers to zombie lama) cats taste awful !!!

8/30/2005 1:44 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

Tee hee - got my good laugh for today. :-)

8/30/2005 2:46 PM  
Anonymous jesse said...

mmmm. adobo.

8/30/2005 3:03 PM  
Blogger Truman said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! *whew* I wish I had something to ask you...

8/30/2005 3:13 PM  
Blogger Moni said...

lmao Very entertaining ZS, but I get the feeling you're trying to warn of something. Hmmmm? :D **wink**

8/30/2005 3:44 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

ZL - Don't worry, we'll have a catapult in the compound so any politicians, I'll be sure to "send" them your way. ;)

Thomcat - Ever see Dawn of the Dead 2004? If they won't eat dogs, I'm sure cats will be fine. :)

Notta - Awesome. Always happy to make someone smile.

Jesse - Tell Dave to set up a party. I'll cook.

Truman - How am I doing? Oh, I'm doing fine. Thanks for asking.

Moni - Nah. Where did you get that impression?

8/30/2005 4:03 PM  
Anonymous jesse said...

Zombie -- I am all about that. Been known to make a mean pork adobo. We can christen his new ghetto digs.

8/30/2005 5:05 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

Pork adobo? Do tell? I have a recipe for a tenderloin stuffed with chipotle & adobo but I'd love another...

8/30/2005 6:03 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

Dear Zombieslayer,
Add a generator and a 4 wheel drive to your list and you'll be set to survive a northern MN winter.
We're all pretty well armed up here. I don't have a handgun. I'm like Quigley-"Never had much use for one."
So what do we do for kicks while awaiting the invasion?

8/30/2005 7:18 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

haha...you know you could start one of those columns at those bloody news papers where you get this uncany advises form million problems....:)

ps: eveytime i post a comment i got to copy those strange letters in a box!! its nerve rackin bro!!

8/30/2005 10:47 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

ZS, holy shit dude, that was freaking hilarous. The best part is as I was reading this you sounded dead serious (no pun intended) which made me laugh even harder!

8/31/2005 6:23 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Ben - glad to make you laugh. Hope you're still not too sore from football.

TC - Love your new pic. You look sophisticated. Those letters are to thwart spammers. See, spammers have scripts that automatically find websites and post spam. When you get bombarded by spam, let me know and I'll show you how to do the letters thing.

Tshsmom - There's only one use for a pistol: to get you back to your rifle or shotgun. I don't like them. I'm not accurate with them, and I hope I will never have to rely on one. I totally agree with Quigley Down Under.

Laura - I made it with chicken. No recipe though, but I could tell you the ingredients:
chicken
potatoes
yellow onion
garlic gloves
black pepper
soy sauce
apple cider vinegar
bay leaves

You pretty much mix it all together and cook it until it's done and serve it over rice. I never measure anything unless I bake. I just wing it.

Jesse - Was a pleasure meeting you in person last night. You're a funny guy. Looking forward to your pork adobo.

8/31/2005 9:44 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

That was some funny stuff, but I think I'll save my questions for Thom!

8/31/2005 11:30 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Glad to have you back and hope you're feeling great. If I were rich, I'd send over a masseuse. That's one big baby. Ouch. :\

Andrew is actually my smallest baby--if you can believe it. I had a 9.9 and a 9.6 before him. Heheheh.
I like big babies. They sleep better and they are easier to dress and hold and everything. Being six feet tall, I have big hands for a girl but not MAN hands) and I think God gives me just the right sized babies.
;)
Thanks for the masseuse thought...

8/31/2005 1:55 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

Sadie, you have your comments set so that only you, Dan, and Levi can comment. Leave the word verification and undo the other part.
You'll get pretty bored with just the 3 of you commenting. ;)

8/31/2005 3:07 PM  
Anonymous jesse said...

Zombie - Yeah, it was fun. And my compliments on your adobo.

Let me know when you want to do the adobo thing again. We could even put together a Filipino Food Festival or something. Maybe we could invent some sports:

Filipino biathlon -- eating Pancit and shooting things, Bobbing for Adobo, Bolo the Head off the Zombie...

...that sort of thing.

Of course we might have to invite some real Filipinos, since we are all either halo halos or not-so-halos.

8/31/2005 3:46 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Thanks for the heads up tshs mom! I fixed it, please try again...
:)

8/31/2005 4:42 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Scott - I don't know why people keep saying that Thom gives better answers than mine. What's wrong with my answers?

Sadie - Wow, 6' tall? I guess almost 10 pounds isn't too big a baby then. :)

Tshsmom - Ah, that's why Sadie was thanking you.

Jesse - You make me laugh. I'm afraid I'd bolo my own head off though. I'm scared of those things. As for Filipinos, are there any Filipinos in Santa Barbara?

I do like the idea of eating Pancit and shooting things though.

8/31/2005 7:26 PM  

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