Monday, August 08, 2005

Ethnic jokes - Italian

I don't want to post a disclaimer each time. That's getting old already. You all know the drill. So it's on to the jokes. Oh, one warning though, although I don't post profanity in the blog part, I don't edit the comments section. And one of the jokes is PG-13 so you might want to read them first to yourselves before reading them to your kids.

First though, if you haven't figured out yet, I love Italian women. I've already listed Monica Bellucci and Alessia Merz as hot chicks. I've listed Carla Gugino as one too, but she's an American. It doesn't take a genius though to figure out her ancestry. "Gugino, what is that, um, is she from Bhutan?"

They're spunky. They're passionate. Their food rules. I could eat Italian every day for the rest of my life and I won't complain. But come on, you have to laugh at these jokes. They're just so, Italian. You've probably already heard that the three shortest books in the world are Great English Chefs, Jewish Charities, and Italian War Heroes. Here are a few you probably haven't heard. Enjoy.

A bus stops and two Italians get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. A lady behind them tries to ignore them, but just can't.

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

At this point, the lady has had enough and interrupts. "Watch your mouths, men! I don't know how it is in Italy, but in this country, we don't talk about our sex lives on the bus!"

"Huh?" One of the Italians replies. "I'm not-a-talkin' about sex. I'm-a trying to teach-a my friend how to spell Mississippi."

You know how to sink an Italian ship?
Put it in water.

Do you know how to spot the Italian plane?
It's the one with hair on its wings.

A sign on the garage says "For sale, Italian tires."
"Dago through rain.
Dago through snow.
Dago through mud.
But when dago flat, dago wop, wop, wop."

And lastly, you know you're Italian when you could bench press 300 pounds, you have to shave twice a day, and you still cry with Momma yells at you.


Blogger Laura said...

Ah yes, the Italians... Well any Mediterenean group is hairy. I myself am working on my very own eurostache. by the time I'm 50, I'll probably have a gotee as well :-p

8/08/2005 10:31 AM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

Ha ha, pretty good jokes. I like the first one the best. I must agree with you about the food - if I could eat it every day and not be 500 pounds, I would do it. :-P

8/08/2005 11:01 AM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

love it! and hey Laura, it's entirely possible, take my miserable word for it!

Here's an oldie: how do you break up an Italian wedding? Go to the back and yell "asphalt's ready"!

How can you tell if a tank is Italian made? It has no forward gears and 3 reverse ones.

And there's the story about the man wanting a f*rk at a restaurant. The waitress replies "everybody wants a f*ck". He says "no you no understan, I wanna f*ck on the table". She replies "f*ck on the table? Get outa here you sonna ma b*tch"!! As he leaves the place, hurridly, a beggar on the street looking for change yells "peace to you" after him. He yells back "p*ss on you too, Ima goin back to Italy"!!!

8/08/2005 11:02 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Laura - Heh, reminds me of yesterday at the beach. Switching genders here, a guy was completely covered in hair, you know, one of those Mediterranean men with hair all over the back. I asked my cousin if she'd go out with a guy like that and she said "he must have one h*ll of a personality."

Jen - I seriously don't think their diet is more fattening than ours. In fact, their diet is supposebly recommended over ours. When I get rich, I ought to hire a live-in Italian chef. ;)

Bridget - 1st joke was awesome. 2nd joke I heard as a French joke. 3rd got a chuckle, but liked your first one best. If you know more, keep 'em coming.

8/08/2005 12:10 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

"Mediterranean men with hair all over the back." Yep, I know the one's. One of my friends is a wookie and he often jokes that he's the bastard child of a Gorilla and an Italian Floozie

8/08/2005 1:36 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

zombieslayer, what happened to the 'HOT BABE' thing? I'll volunteer the research. Hmmm, Monica Bellucci comes to mind for the Italians ... but there may be some better ones.

8/08/2005 3:26 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Laura - That's too funny. Yes, this guy was definitely half-Wookie, half-Human.

Cultureshocked - Already had Monica Bellucci. She's so hot though I really ought to have her again. If you'd like to volunteer your services, I'll email you the next ethnicity tonight. Already have the jokes. I really like your original idea.

8/08/2005 3:42 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

Ahh, I knew I had one. It dawned on me on the bus on my way home:

Why do Dego's wear all those gold chains? So they know where to stop shaving.

8/08/2005 5:01 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

Yup. Email me the Ethnicity.

You got the email add?

And yes, Monica Bellucci can have 2 editions.

8/08/2005 5:57 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Monica Bellucci = HOT!

I like the hairy plane one best. Sadly, I don't know many Italian jokes... well, I didn't before this post anyway.

8/08/2005 7:42 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

John gave me a few:

Why do Italian babies cry when given bottles? They miss the hairy nipples.

8/08/2005 8:00 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

*Rolls over & laughs* damn! you for doin' that, i was in middle of an important thin'...couldn't help laughin' think other thinks i'm mad...maybe i should share this joke...can i do that? lol
ps: Gugina isn't from Bhutan, i called up the census just in case...kiddin'

8/08/2005 9:57 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Tenxin - Yes, definitely share your jokes. It's okay to be mad too. Madness is a good thing. We'd have no good art without madness. ;)

Laura - Love your gold chains joke. I won't forget that one. It's going around the office tomorrow (well, for the ones that I know I could get away with an ethnic joke with ).

ZL - You don't get to eat Monica Bellucci. She has already been invited into my compound. She hasn't replied yet, but she's a busy woman. I'm sure she'll accept when she gets around to it.

Cultureshocked - Sent you an email. Thanks. You da man.

8/09/2005 12:17 AM  
Blogger savage said...

Lightbulb and ...road jokes write themselves in general, but it is almost horribly obvious to write them here.
"Why did the Italian cross the road?"
"Trying to find a razor"

"How many wops does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"You change it, smartass!"
Hm. Maybe I'm part Italian.
no reason.

8/09/2005 2:34 AM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

"Why did the Italian cross the road?"
if Hamlet was from Italy he probably would have said 'to cross or not to cross the god damn Raod'

"How many wops does it take to change a lightbulb?"
who need lightbulb when we got neon tubes

8/09/2005 3:01 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Tenxin - Hamlet was English. Therefore, just say no if he offers you a home-cooked meal.

Savage - Why did the razor cross the road?
To get away from that hairy-ass Italian.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they contract out that work.

8/09/2005 8:54 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

why are a lot of italian guys named Tony ? because they were stamped 'To: NY' on their passports from italy !

8/09/2005 9:22 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

what do you get when you cross a polish and an italian ? someone who makes an offer you can't understand ...

8/09/2005 9:23 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

I know it's the wrong ethnicity, but I HAVE to write it while I remember it. (Damn brainfarts!)

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry, I'll be OK...

8/09/2005 3:18 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Tshsmom - Don't worry, my Jewish jokes are coming up. Good use of punctuation. I actually visualized her saying that.

Thom - Loved the 2nd one. I'm going to borrow that for the office as well. Actually, I need to call my Dad and tell him that one. I keep bugging him to read my blog but he never does. See what he's missing?

8/09/2005 3:41 PM  
Blogger savage said...

I think my own father, who wanted my help with his website (does he even still have it, or care?) may not even know that I have a website and blog(s) ...
cat wants in (into the bedroom, that is, from the hallway; I kicked him out because he was trying to hook up the cable).

8/10/2005 3:32 AM  

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