Monday, August 15, 2005

He smells like a European

I love Santa Barbara. If you've never been here before, make a point to come down. If I buy a house here, you're invited. Just give me a week's heads up so we could do some cleaning beforehand. Mrs. Zombieslayer and I are both reformed slobs.

Santa Barbara's right on the ocean. It's absolutely gorgeous. The mountains are right behind the city, keeping the town from growing further. Also, Santa Barbara has the most strict architectural codes I've ever seen. New buildings have to be white or light colored with tile roofs. The city looks right out of the Mediterranean. Oh, buildings can't be more than three stories. I think that's because of earthquakes though.

On the beach, you will see people roller skating on the trail between the palm trees. The volleyball courts always have players. The problem we have is we're mediocre players and some people take the game too seriously. I don't play with those people because seriousness interferes with my drinking.

Many women love to shop Santa Barbara. It's sexy. If you like shopping, you'll love the stores. Just walk up and down State Street and you'll have a wonderful time. Great for the guys too because we could watch you shop as we have a martini or two at one of the outdoor cafes.

One thing about Santa Barbara though is it attracts Europeans. That's good and bad. I like Europeans. They're interesting, they're fun, and they're different. I've enjoyed many a soccer or volleyball game with European tourists. But one thing I don't like about Europeans is that too many of them do not take their smell seriously.

I have heard differing accounts of why that is. Some folks said they don't shower every day. Some say that they do shower every day, but they'll put on stinky clothes right after they get out of the shower. Whatever the case is, it is becoming a saying among locals that when someone smells bad, they smell like a European.

I've smelled bad before. I've been camping for days and the only cleaning I've managed to do is jumping in a river and going for a swim for an hour. That's way different. If I'm not camping alone, it's understood that I stink because they stink too. I don't wear deodorant either when camping. That's just silly and pointless, and defeats the whole point of being in nature.

When I come into town though, I'm going to smell neutral. And that's how most Americans are. Europeans don't understand that though. They often just try to cover up their stinkiness with more cologne. No, that's even worse. Now you have cologne competing with body odor. By the way, when the zombies come, you don't want to stink. Am I right, Zombie Lama? Is a stinky person more visible than a stinkless person? Before he answers, I'll assume so.

So Europeans, you're most welcome to America. I like having you here. You're fun to talk to and cool to play volleyball and soccer with. But please, do us a favor and shower everyday. And if you already shower every day, change your clothes on a daily basis too. Thanks, and enjoy the rest of your vacation in Santa Barbara.


Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Okay, that settles it then. Michele and I are going to plan a trip to come stay with you guys.
Let us know when and where and we'll swing it.
Of course, I'll have an infant by then--hope you don't mind.
I heard Dr.Laura is doing her "one woman" show at a theater in Santa Barbara.

8/15/2005 9:47 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Oh, been there once. It was lovely! If there were a place I'd want to live in California that would be it. I was there for a conference and John met me after for an extended weekend. We went to Solvang, I went to the winery (before John arrived, he doesn't really drink) and shipped a case back to myself. I'd go back, definitely. It did have a strange seedy element to it though - but that didn't bother me since I'm used to that. I can see how it might bother some people though.

An interesting study I saw a while back (on the hygeine topic) was that American standards for hygeine coincide with marketing and advertising for hygiene products - we were brainwashed into it... not that I think it's bad, just interesting.

8/15/2005 9:49 AM  
Blogger hutytito said...

Oo-o-o-o, Santa Barabara. Gorgeous place!

I with you on the volleyball (and how serious interferes with drinking--not a good thing). The thing I HATE about coed volleyball is that the guys on your team ALWAYS run over into your zone and try to return the ball for you (it's got to be a hard-wired thing cause they all do it). Hey, if I didn't want to hit the ball myself, I wouldn't be out here!

8/15/2005 10:02 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Sadie - That would be most cool. We'll be looking to buy in a few months, but I'll definitely keep everyone posted. As for Dr. Laura, sometimes she's right on, but sometimes she scares me. Sometimes I think she's scarier than the people she's trying to help.

Laura - Yeah, I try to fight the brainwashing and just keep my smell neutral. I think I've posted that too much perfume is actually worse for attracting zombies than body odor. But I'd love to do a winery tour with someone. They have deals now where you can be driven so you don't have to worry about a designated driver.

Southerngirl - I'm guilty, but it's a case by case basis. My cousin, bless her heart, is terrible. So when a ball comes to her, we often "accidently" get in her way and hit it over. However, the last time we played, there was one woman who made the rest of us look like jackasses.

8/15/2005 10:15 AM  
Anonymous Michele said...

Try to find a copy of Sunset, May, 2005. Great article on secluded spots in SB. You can check em out and take me and Sadie, (and of course, all the Bloglings) to them.
Also, just read in previous posts that Mrs. ZS is a red-head. Rosalyn, (one of your commenters, my daughter, Levi's sister) told me the other day that she'd read that natural red-heads have a higher pain tolerance than other head colors. Is this true? Don't beat Mrs. Z up or anything, just consider how she's behaved in childbirth, stubbed toes, the usual.
Interesting about Euros. I'll sniff around next time I see some, although we get very few in Grass Valley.

8/15/2005 11:10 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

I think Laura's nailed it on the marketing here. I can give you direct Euro experience having married into a Dutch family. It's less true with younger folks, like say, born after 1980 or even 1970, or with those who've lived in or spent ample time in America.

Re-wearing "dirty" clothes is the biggest culprit, and it stems from economic experience. If you spend a lot of time in a European's home, you notice water is used sparingly, so why wash the clothes after just one wearing? When we've had Dutch visitors they're often blown away by our rate of consumption and general rich way of life.

8/15/2005 11:28 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

...Oh, and we'll have to hook up in SB sometime. I really miss it there, although I seldom make it back. I worked at State and Guiterrez and loved mingling on the street for lunch and whatnot, especially on Farmer's Market days.

8/15/2005 11:29 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Yeah. Dr. Laura is a strange bird. Sometimes, she is so insightful and helpful and other times she's completely out of her mind with the advice. I enjoy listening to her every now and then.

I saw that copy of Sunset!
Weird fact about red heads. I wonder how much truth there is to that.

8/15/2005 11:30 AM  
Blogger exMI said...

Everyone in the world is blown away by our rate of consumption. I heard something on NPR the other day saying that the poor in the US would be considered upper middle class in most of the third world.
Having seen places like Afghanistan, I believe it.

8/15/2005 11:40 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

If guys start taking MY shots for me, I drop out of the game and concentrate on my drinking.

I guess I haven't run into many Europeans, so I didn't know about the smells. I've heard that most European women don't shave, so maybe that has something to do with it do.

8/15/2005 11:48 AM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I would love to visit Santa Barbara - it probably is not that painful of a drive from San Jose. I love visiting different places - stinky people or not. :-P

P.S. I used to work with many Asian women who subsisted on a steady diet of kimchi and garlic - what could be smellier?

8/15/2005 11:57 AM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

I can't say that I've hung around enough Euros to give an opinion on their BO level. I do have a handicaped sense of smell though.

8/15/2005 1:08 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

ZS, you are 100% correct. Perfume and cologne, or as we like to call them, marinade, is just the thing to get a zombie running for you.

For those of you still alive, however, too much of that stuff burns the nostrils, makes you light-headed, and just generally stinks.

There is this swiss chick that works out at the gym I go to. I hate to agree with any generalization, but man, does she stink. Now, I realize, it's the gym, people are supposed to smell there, but she must buy her perfume by the gallon!!! I had to stop going in the morning because not only do I hate getting up at 5:00am, but she would show up and I would seriously get naseous from her perfume/b.o. smell. Too bad, because she's hot.

8/15/2005 1:17 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

ZL - Thought so. So, for you folks planning on staying alive, remember, neutral smells.

Levi - When I get this house, everyone's invited. We'll walk down State St and you'll know by the smell who's American and who's European. Funny thing is these Europeans speak funny too. I think they're doing that thing people call foreign languages. Weirdos.

Jen - I looove kimchi. I think in Korea, they eat a lot to fool zombies. Zombies would smell pickled cabbage and not bother to check if it's human or not.

Tshsmom - I'm surprised she hasn't slapped one of us yet. One of these days I bet she will and we'll stop doing that.

Exmi - As someone who's been both well off and flat broke, I still always had a roof over my head and wasn't starving. You can always find free or reduced price food in America. We are blessed compared to denizens of other countries.

Sadie - yeah, I could take her in small doses, as long as she's not going off on one of her tirades.

Jason - So you know the Farmer's Market. Babes galore. :)

As for their stinkiness of not washing every day, ah ha. I'll talk to the good folks at the Zombieslayer Institute of Technology (ZIT) and see if they could offer you a job in research.

Michele - I'll look for that copy. Sunset's a Santa Barbara magazine if I'm not mistaken. As for Mrs. Z, yeah, she seems to have a lot of hit points. Maybe there is something to that w/redheads.

8/15/2005 1:51 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

your not being tolerant ZS! lol

8/15/2005 3:48 PM  
Blogger not the girl said...

Oh Santa Barbara is wonderful! I was there randomly (how I went from Montreal to Cali randomly is beyond me) and had a wonderful time. Dancing in the streets for Cinco de Mayo [sp], shopping, drinking, sipping wine in hottubs, jumping in the ocean... shoppping.

I think that the only reason I couldn't smell the Europeans when I was there is because of the uhm Mexican uhm scent that pervaded the area... Dancing = Sweating... need I say more?

8/15/2005 4:35 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

I hate when hippie types try to mask the smell with that God forsaken Patchuli oil instead of showering with good old fashioned soap and water. There is nothing more nauseating than the combo stench of the oil and rank B.O.

8/15/2005 4:42 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Sadie - I keep warning hippies that that combination (B.O. + Patchuli oil) attracts zombies more than any other odors. They keep saying I'm crazy. I'm crazy?Well, if they don't want to survive the plague...

Septima - Funny you ended up here from Montreal. I have a Montreal joke. You'll have to wait for my Ethnic Jokes - Canadians post which is far up on the queue though. :p

Ben - If I could make people laugh...
Glad you liked the post.

8/15/2005 4:53 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Thanks for the most excellent invite, ZS!! I promise I am not, never have been, European.

And BOY do I know the truth you speak! PU!!

SB sounds like heaven on earth, you lucky things!!


8/15/2005 5:18 PM  
Blogger Danius Maximus said...

funky euros! I could care less about thier bathing habits unless you get one who tries to go in for that kiss on the cheek biz, then they better smell as fresh as me!

8/15/2005 6:08 PM  
Blogger Danius Maximus said...

funky euros! I could care less about thier bathing habits unless you get one who tries to go in for that kiss on the cheek biz, then they better smell as fresh as me!

8/15/2005 6:08 PM  
Blogger Danius Maximus said...

i don't know why my computer did that twice, i think its trying to communicate with me or something

8/15/2005 6:10 PM  
Blogger dave said...

euros smell like onion.

8/15/2005 6:16 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

one place i would love to go is Tibet...the roooooooooofffffff of the world....fancy seein some flyin people there

and AGree with ya.........nothin like an ocean.............OCEaN....da beach.......da SanD....*never seen one though*

am landlocked and the gov. has banned smokin here!! no kiddin'

8/15/2005 7:55 PM  
Blogger Sagepaper said...

I don't know if this is relevant, but a US soldier in WWII repulsed his comrades with his body odor. It's not just that he wouldn't take care of it in the field, he wouldn't take care of it when the unit dropped back to a base camp. He explained his reasoning, though. After about one month of not bathing, your skin forms enough oil and waxy stuff that you are water-proof. Sure, he stank, but his skin wasn't all torn-up from being waterlogged and then abraded. And, he never had trench-foot. Maybe Europeans just have a culture handed down to them that frowns on bathing, because of previous exposure to the elements.

8/15/2005 8:10 PM  
Blogger Sagepaper said...

As I understand it, Paris has an antique open sewer system. The summer stench is over powering. That's why they got into perfumes -- it was for handkerchiefs over their noses, not for the body. Maybe Paris isn't the only such city. If you are near fainting because of the smell of sewage, you will notice neither your own odor nor that of your companion.

8/15/2005 8:13 PM  
Blogger Sagepaper said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/15/2005 8:13 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Sagepepper - Yuck. Maybe he's the guy they wrote that song that I used to sing when I was a kid:

You could tell by the smell that he wasn't feeling well and he scared all the Germans away.

As for an open sewer system in Paris, that will make reason #5673 not to visit Paris.

Tenxin - Landlocked with no cigarettes? That's horrible. The only reason I don't smoke is I got both the ocean and the mountains to relax me.

Dave - and really rotten onions at that.

Danius - do you have to do that kiss on each cheek thing or can you opt out of it? I wonder the kiss on each cheek etiquette. If someone smells bad, would it be bad etiquette to just say no?

Bridget - It's not totally perfect, but its imperfections are miniscule compared to most other places. Definitely an escape from reality.

8/15/2005 9:16 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...


umm... *oceany thoughs*

8/16/2005 3:53 AM  
Blogger Mybrid said...


Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 7th Tour De France title after the French authorities have found 3 substances in Armstrong's hotel that are banned in France - the offending substances were:

- Deodorant
- Soap
- Toothpaste

8/16/2005 7:17 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

My wife and I love Santa Barbara, and really miss California's beauty in general since leaving for Massachusetts, which is gorgeous in it's own way. I knew many European women when living in New York, and didn't have the same experience. They are different though, and have a lot to offer in the way of carefree living.

8/16/2005 7:45 AM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

Ha! I don't know about all Europeans but I have heard the French don't shower everyday.

In an unrelated topic, The terror threat in France has been raised from Run to Hide.

8/16/2005 8:36 AM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

LOL, Mybrid.

8/16/2005 8:54 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Sadie - I keep warning hippies that that combination (B.O. + Patchuli oil) attracts zombies more than any other odors. They keep saying I'm crazy. I'm crazy?Well, if they don't want to survive the plague...

You have the gift Zombie--funny man.

8/16/2005 9:10 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Tenxin - Come visit. The ocean here is freezing, but it sure is pretty.

Mybrid - Lol! I showed this to Dave too and he laughed as well.

Scott - I like Europeans, don't get me wrong. But at least the ones who come here don't shower or wash their clothes enough. Maybe Mass gets a different set of visitors than we do, or does a better job at telling them not to stink.

CS - Heh. I guess their terror levels have real meaning. Orange means nothing to me, as I comment to you while drinking orange juice.

Levi - She got me to laugh too.

Sadie - Thanks.

8/16/2005 10:01 AM  
Blogger dusty said...

ah..i lived in lompoc during my "formative" years and spent alot of time in Santa Barbara..i love it dearly..your very lucky to be able to afford to live there..we go there when we need to escape bakersfrigginfield..which in MY book is weekly..

8/19/2005 1:53 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home