Monday, July 11, 2005

French jokes

One thing I can't stand about political correctness is the ban on jokes. I can't stand it because I love a good laugh. If you want to get on my good side right away, make me laugh. You'll have a friend for life.

Now, the only people you are allowed to make fun of without having to sit through a lecture courtesy of the Human Resource department are blondes and Rednecks. Wonder why that is. Besides an evil ex-girlfriend I had many years ago, I happen to like blondes and I also happen to like Rednecks. I married one (a Redneck, not a blonde).

Still, I'll get a good laugh out of a good blonde or Redneck joke too. Any of you old enough to remember when blonde jokes were Polish jokes?

Here are a few French jokes for you. You've probably heard them all before. If so, feel free to add a new one. If not, hope I make you laugh. Enjoy...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the Frenchman cross the road?
To get away from the chicken

Did you hear that Disneyland in Paris has banned the use of fireworks?
The French Army kept surrendering.

Did you hear about the new French tank? It has six gears. Five gears go in reverse and one gear goes forward, just in case the enemy is coming from the back

Ha ha. By the way, French Canadians, you're all right. You could take Celine Dion back though. I don't think we want her anymore. French in Louisiana, you're all right too, especially quarterbacks with funny spelled names. Your food is good, unlike the oversauced and highly overrated food from your home country.

Speaking of the home country, maybe the French are on to something. Think about it. When the zombie plague hits, you know the French have running and hiding down to a tee. It's in their blood. Imagine millions of French surviving the zombie holocaust while the rest of the Eurasian peoples perish. Hmm...

32 Comments:

Blogger dave said...

good to have you back, zombie. did you read that article i gave you?

7/11/2005 4:19 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Polish jokes were always popular in school before the blonde thing got started. Here's one:

Two Americans and a Polish guy are stranded on an island.
This bottle washes up on shore.
One guy gives it a rub and this genie pops out.
The genie says he'll grant them all one wish.
The first American says," I wish I was back home with my family watching the world series and having a BBQ!"
*woosh* he disappears

The second American says," I wish I was at my girlfriend's house making love to her on summer's day!"
*woosh* he disappears.

The polish guy says," Man, now I'm bored. I wish the Americans were back."

*woosh*


hahahahahahahah.


I have another one but now that I think of it, it's kinda dirty. It's better than the last one too. Darn it. (Michele go away!) *wink*

7/11/2005 4:36 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Ha ha ha...I love any joke that pokes fun at the French!!!

7/11/2005 4:53 PM  
Blogger marriedman said...

I hate the French almost as much as I hate Greenland. Those damn greenlanders and their icey land of love!
Here is a French joke for you:

What sucks hard like a date with Dan Rather?
Dan Rather sucking a Frenchman.

....i got nothing.

7/11/2005 5:22 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

Don't forget fat people - it's still socially acceptable to make jokes about them too. The comical sidekick in many movies/sitcoms is still the jolly fat guy.

Roll em in flour and aim for the wet spot and all that...

7/11/2005 6:31 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Welcome back ZS! Agree with you. M is french....but the kind who can laugh at anyone/anything.

He has a good one: why does it only say 'off' and 'on' on light switches?

Because French folks know when they're in the dark.

Bridg

p.s. have many more french jokes but they're really too mean..

7/11/2005 6:33 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

HA! Zombieslayer back in style.

I guess this doesn't technically count as "dirty" - so it's cleared for the public:

A penguin was driving his car and it suddenly stopped. The penguin took the car into the Mechanic to get it looked at. The Mechanic told the penguin it would be a while until he figures out what's wrong. The penguin says that's fine and waddles over to the Diner across the street.
The penguin ordered a bowl of Vanilla IceCream. Unfortunaly, because of the flappers, it was hard for the penguin to eat the iceCream, so instead he just dove right into the IceCream with his beak. He huffed it down and (again, because of the flappers) he couldn't wipe the iceCream off. He waddles back on over to the Mechanic with his messy beak.

The penguin approaches the proud mechanic dusting off his hands:

The Mechanic: Well ... Looks like you blew a seal.

The Penguin: Nah man, that's just some IceCream.

7/11/2005 6:50 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

I can't think of any French jokes to share, but I wanted to say that I'm glad you're back!

7/11/2005 7:06 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

I have one, it's not really a joke but a slogan I saw on a bumper sticker. For sale: one frech rifle, never used, dropped once. I got a good laugh from that one.

7/11/2005 7:37 PM  
Blogger Robert said...

How about a little Objectivist humor…ala Ayn Rand?

From: The 25 Most Inappropriate Things An Objectivist Can Say During Sex

1. "Before we continue, there's something I have to ask you. Will you still accept the axiom that existence exists tomorrow?"

2. "I appreciate the thought, but I consider it an act of self sacrifice for you to swallow."

…so on and so forth.

7/11/2005 7:41 PM  
Anonymous Sagepaper said...

I have enjoyed all of these. I wonder, though, about the need for French jokes. One can simply watch the evening news and guffaw whenever the French are featured.

7/11/2005 8:57 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Those are good jokes all. Please keep 'em coming.

7/11/2005 9:41 PM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

Is it socially exceptably to make fun of wizards? If not, oh well...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

7/12/2005 6:20 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

Well, shit! I'm blonde AND a redneck. And I don't know any jokes. Well actually:

My husband is head of the automotive division for a large manufacturer. So he's always coming home and telling me about certain cars that have recalls and what cars are crappy and all kinds of stuff like that. So the other day he comes home and he's telling me that Ford has decided to put little "black boxes" in all of their SUV's and pick up trucks to see what's causing them to crash and to see what the people in the vehicles say right before they crash. Maybe this will help them make the vehicles more safe. So he said that they've started getting some results in and in 95% of the cases, the last words of the person driving the vehicle are, "Oh shit!", "Oh God!" or "Oh Fuck!"...Except in Georgia and Alabama where they've only heard them say, "Hey, hold my beer and watch this shit!"

Okay, so that's all I've got.

7/12/2005 7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never been into french people. They're outwardly attractive, but are too swarthy and superior.
I'm Mexican, a people who are loved by all, and I love Mexican jokes. I mostly like when Mexicans tell them. Somehow it's awkward when whites do.

Why are Mexican's checks so big?
So they can sign them with a spray can.

Now, to tell this one, walk real fast with your ankles close together, like they're tied:
What's this?
A Mexican stealing a pair of shoes from KMart
Thanks for keeping it clean, Sadie. I am with you at all times.

7/12/2005 8:02 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

I got a mexican one for you, unfortunately it is pretty racist, I heard it in about 8th grade. Where can you hide crack where a mexican will never find it? Under a bar of soap.

7/12/2005 11:12 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

anonymous: that second joke was hilarious.

7/12/2005 12:08 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

OK here's a non pc joke and I'm one of the groups involved....why are Sunday mornings in California so quiet?

The Protestants are playing golf
The Catholics are in church
and the Mexicans can't get their cars started.

Bridg the meanie

7/12/2005 2:17 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

Great jokes!! Z and I loved the Disneyland one!
I get all my best blonde jokes from my blonde friends.

Norwegian jokes are still pretty popular in MN. I have no problem with this. All cultures have their stereotypes and we all need to lighten up and laugh at ourselves.

7/12/2005 3:03 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Bsoholic - Noooo! Not wizards. Watch out, Voldemort is offended and he'll be coming for ya. ;)

Melanie - Ah yes. Heard something similar. Do you know every rednecks last words? "Hey y'all, watch this!"

Anonymous - Those are good. Here's one for ya. You know when Asians have moved into the neighborhood? When the Mexicans start buying car insurance.

Ben - Never heard that one. Feel free to share more. I love jokes.

Bridget - I must have heard the long version of that one. Also includes the Irish are hungover, the Blacks are in jail, and the Jews are counting their money. If I'm not mistaken, there were over ten. Forgot the rest (it's been awhile).

Tshsmom - Agreed. Every culture does something dumb, including our own. One of these days, I'll post the American jokes that a former German co-worker/intern told me.

7/12/2005 3:19 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

more eh? You have come to the right (pun intended of course) source of anti-pc jokes! I will probably do a post of some soon. They will probably be pretty offensive.

7/12/2005 6:11 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Yay Ben, Yay ZS, yay everyone with nonpc jokes! Love to laugh....there's a really good one about 2 men and 1 woman of a whole bunch of nationalities stranded on a deserted island, and what they're doing a year later.

If no one else knows it, I'll look it up and post.

Bridg (through with her cramming and still VERY nervous)

7/12/2005 6:17 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

"How many men in the French Army"?
Answer. "About Half".
Hi Sadie, good one that, can become multi cultural.
Two English tends to be Irish
Two French .. .. German &
visa versa.
Two Turks .. .. Greek
Two Scots .. .. English
Two Iraqi's maybe American, whoa.

Belgian Congo 1960s. Adlai Stevenson to President Tshombe. "How are the United Nations Troops in your country"? PT replied laughing, "Delicious man, send more", and
"Adlai old chappie" (P T was educated at Oxford) "I say; how are foriegn affairs"? Adlai replied,
"Dunno Mac Iv'e never had one".

7/13/2005 4:26 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Vest - love that Belgian Congo joke. I'm afraid that many of us are too young to get it though.

Bridget - doesn't sound familiar. Please find it if you can.

Ben - anything for a laugh. That's why I love Dave Chappelle so much. His humor is so wrong, yet it gets us all bustng up laughing. It's even better in a large group where you have a variety of backgrounds, because he makes fun of everyone. I'm still laughing at the racial draft where the Asians picked the Wu Tang Clan. That's way too funny.

7/13/2005 11:51 AM  
Anonymous John said...

Here's my favorite non-PC joke of all time - and its nice and disgusting...

Two gays are in the shower after a long day of fucking each other. They're still going at it and its pretty heavy.

The phone rings and the one feels compelled to answer.

"I'll be right back, lover, so don't dum! I want to feel your jizz all over my face.", he tells his companion.

So he goes out and gets the phone call and chats for a few minutes. When he returns to the bathroom, he finds cum dripping from everywhere - the lights, sink and floor are just covered.

"I thought I told you not to cum!", he pouts.

"I didn't, I just farted!"

7/13/2005 12:49 PM  
Anonymous John said...

My other favorite joke is

Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies!!!!

7/13/2005 12:51 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

The old lady popped the Question to the drunken sailor, who said "Ok lets do it".
Halfway through their amorous pursuit she say's.
"There may be winter in my hair; but there is summer in my heart".
The sailor replied, "If you dont put some frigging spring in your ass, we'll be here till autumn".

Probably a Frog Matelot, us British are more selective.
Daily Gaggle.

7/13/2005 6:45 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

The young Pirate asks his Captain,"How did you lose your forearm, leg and your eye"? The capt replied.
"Arr Arrar Jim me lad oi lorst me leg and arm in battle with other pirates"
"But what about your eye Capt?" says Jim. The Capt replied.
"Arr Arrr Jim me lad, that was real sad you see, I was returning on board after getting me arm seen to, When this bloody seagull swooped down and shit straight in me eye, It was the same day I got this Effing hook fitted".

"Shiver me timbers" Daily Gaggle.

7/13/2005 7:21 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

John - I don't know about your favorite joke but your 2nd one got a good laugh out of the Mrs. I didn't get it, but she did because she's a military brat. She had to explain it to me.

Vest - We both loved the pirate joke.

7/13/2005 10:21 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

The new salesman was being taught by the senior sales man, "Watch me sell to this guy".
"How may I help you sir"?
"I would like one packet of grass seed" replied the customer.
"How big will the lawn be"? asks the sales bloke. After being told he say's
"Here you are sir, ten packets and here's your lawn mower, please pay at the desk".
The new salesman was then directed to a nervous looking guy.
"How may I help you sir", the guy replied very quietly,"
"I would like a dozen womens sanitary towels".
"What size lge med or small? "not sure eh, well then take three doz and exchange the others for the correct size tomorrow and here's your Lawnmower".
"What for asks the customer"? He was then told.
"It seems like you won't be doing much this weekend so you may as well mow your lawn".

7/14/2005 3:08 AM  
Blogger Vest said...

You may delete this if you wish.

During WW2 queues or lineups for hard to get under the counter neccesities etc were a part of every day life in Britain.
A 90 year old Granny asked the bloke ahead of her in the Queue(lineup)"Whats up front sport". He replied "Lollipops grandma". "Oh goody I like lollipops" said Granny.
On arriving at the counter of the infectious disease clinic, the Doctor in the white coat asked, "Aren't you too old for this granny?"
"Certainly not" she replied, "I may be old, but, I can still suck them".

7/14/2005 3:49 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Vest - both good jokes. Don't worry, Junior's not allowed to use the internet yet so he doesn't see this blog. I don't think most other kids would get either joke anyways.

7/14/2005 9:49 AM  

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