Monday, May 09, 2005

Whom to accept and whom to let die

For the most part, I like people and genuinely want to help them. However, for the sake of survival, some people will be turned away from my anti-zombie compound and left to die. I won't feel the slightest tinge of remorse either.

I don't like punks. No, I'm not referring to punk rock music. I mean the traditional definition of punk - someone who causes trouble for no reason. I don't like trouble, especially trouble for no reason. I hate the ghetto attitude too. They're all a bunch of cowards. Put them one on one with some of the boys I grew up with and they won't last a minute. Ghetto folk are always tough when they're with their posse, but unarmed and alone, for some strange reason, they're humble and well-behaved.

You start flashing gang signs and that's it. You're out. I hate gang bangers. They have no use other than entertainment value and even that wears thin fast.

Drug addicts too. You're out. I see you as a liability, not an asset.

If you have a good skillset, you're well-mannered, and a good person, you're in. I could use a handyman (or woman). I myself know basic plumbing and basic carpentry but if I had to design something from scratch, forget it. Expect it to fall down after a few years. I can fix engines. No transmissions though. I'd love to have a mechanic. The thing is, mechanics are a dime a dozen. Someone who can fix anything with an engine, from cars to helicopters, like B.A. Baracus in the A-Team, they're definitely in.

I love people who could make me laugh. Morale's very important, especially if we won't receive reinforcements for months. There's nothing like someone who could make a crowd laugh. They're in.

Musicians. I like someone who could pick up any instrument. You can't be too picky too when it comes to music. I expect you to play everything from blues, jazz, country, Irish folk music, rock, and of course, heavy metal. If you can't, no problem. But you must be willing to try to wing it. I love musicians who can improvise.

I don't want a straight drummer. A keyboardist or bassist who also happens to play drums, awesome, you're in. A straight drummer, forget it. You can't depend on drummers. They're the most unreliable people you'll ever meet. They're the types who would forget to close the gates and you'd wake up to find hundreds of zombies swarming inside the compound. Or they'd do something stupid like throw a cigarette butt right by your gas supply. That's a drummer for you.

Hot Italian actresses, like Manuela Arcuri or Alessia Merz, you're in. The thing is, your boyfriends can't come in. As Yoda would put it, zombie food they will be.

Lawyers and politicians, nope. Zombie food. Especially the kind who tried to ban heavy metal music, guns, raise taxes, outsource jobs, or forgive illegal aliens.

Bad smelling hippies. Nope. Your stink attracts zombies and we all know you with a gun would not be a good thing. It would be like Shaun of the Dead. You'd be just as much a danger to us as you would be to zombies.

Feminazis, nope. With you, you spent your life bashing men and suddenly when the you know what hits the fan, you'd come running to my anti-zombie compound expecting me to let you in. No way. You burned that bridge.

Bad foreigners (read my article on Good Foreigners vs Bad Foreigners), nope. In fact, it will be stinky overpopulated foreigers who would spread the zombie plague in the first place. If you weren't so overpopulated, the plague could have been contained. But you bred like rabbits and you live elbow to elbow with your stinky neighbors and that's how the plague will end up spreading so fast in the first place. So the gates stay shut for you. Try to climb them and I'll pick you off.

Microsoft employees and former employees. Nope. You're like a bizarre cult. If you've never lived in Seattle, you'd have no idea what I mean. I'll make it short, think of Jim Jones without the cool-aid and you have Microsoft employees. They're weird and I'm convinced Bill Gates puts some kind of implants in them so if they say anything bad about Microsoft, they get electric shocked. Former employees are the same way. And believe me, I could tell when someone worked at Microsoft. They have that look.

So there you have it. A short checklist of who's in and who's out. Basically, if you're cool, have some good use, and treat others with decency, you're in. It's not too hard. If you're either a trouble-maker or hazardess to the community, you're out.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

whopping wobblies

6/06/2005 1:25 AM  
Blogger neal said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12/03/2005 8:48 AM  
Blogger neal said...

Too many typos in the first post.

You sure hit a nerve with the first two categories on your list. I would go out on armed search missions amidst hoards of zombies to seek out the hiding places of punks and gang bangers just to feed them to the zombies. Don't want that trash running around in the world after we slay all the zombies!

12/03/2005 8:52 AM  

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