Wednesday, May 03, 2006

These people are not zombies

Several people have been asking me just what will cause the zombie plague. I've been asked everything from Cold War virus experimentation to Amway salesmen. Let me dismiss some rumors and get things straight.

The virus that causes the zombie plague has been around for thousands of years. It's not something created in a test tube last century during the Cold War.

Amway people are not zombies. Although they act strange and you want to get away from them just as fast as you want to get away from zombies, they're still not zombies. Sure, their lectures will bore you to tears as they drone on for hours about all the people besides you who are getting rich doing the Amway thing. But they are not zombies, so don't go shooting them in the head when they come to your door.

Scientologists are not zombies. Sure, they're a weird cult, but weird cults have been around for thousands of years. Scientologists worship some space alien. They do not go around trying to eat people's brains although they may have eaten Tom Cruise's brain. The Zombieslayer Institute of Technology is still researching that.

Communists are not zombies. Yeah, I've seen textbooks too where during the Cultural Revolution, Communists worked themselves into such a frenzy that they killed and ate hundreds of "enemies of the state." Those are not zombies though, they're Communists. Communists just do things like that.

Voodoo zombies are not true zombies either. If I'm not mistaken, voodoo zombies are created by a tetrodotoxin from a pufferfish plus a smattering of secret herbs and spices that only voodoo priests and Colonel Sanders know. They are brain dead and animated by the voodoo priest, but they are not true zombies. Zombieism is a virus.

So folks, keep your blades sharpened, keep practicing your head shots, and store plenty of food and water.

It's been one year today, and what a year it's been. Thanks for all the fond memories.

42 Comments:

Blogger Mr. Althouse said...

My son gave me a book called "The Zombie Survival Guide" for Christmas. It's... ummm... interesting. I did like one bit of wisdom however:

Knives never need reloading. Words to live ny,

Mike

5/04/2006 12:27 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

But knives are for not exactly a long range weapon, are they? I'm still wondering where the zombie virus originates.

Happy Anniversary!

5/04/2006 5:09 AM  
Blogger lime said...

ok so no that i know what a zombie ain't paint a picture of what a zombie is

5/04/2006 6:13 AM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

Special herbs and spices - how cute. :-)

5/04/2006 6:50 AM  
Anonymous Melanie said...

Hi Zombie,
It's good to have you back. Does this mean we'll be seeing you regularly again? How's the mysterious new business coming along?

5/04/2006 8:30 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Mike - Most important book ever written. I bought a copy of that when it first came out and read it to my son when he was little.

Fine words to live by. Stabbing and bashing weapons are highly underrated in a zombie siege.

Scott - Thanks.
No, and range is a good thing. I don't want to be within ten feet of a zombie. I'd rather be picking them off behind solid walls.

Lime - A zombie was a person who got a virus that killed him or her, then brought the diseased victim back to life, only to be on constant search for food - human flesh. They smell like death too. Very noticeable.

Notta - I'm by no means the expert at voodoo. I had to read up on it myself just to know the little I know. Maybe an assignment for the Zombieslayer Institute of Technology.

Melanie - Not yet unfortunately. Still buried in paperwork. I won't be back full-time until I could quit my full-time job and have the business bring in money. It hasn't reached that point yet.

5/04/2006 8:54 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

I wonder, is it advantageous to Zombies to have so many people mistaken for Zombies? How do we stop the impostors...

5/04/2006 10:45 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

OK, those people aren't zombies, but that doesn't mean we have to let them into the compound.

Happy anniversary ZS!! Isn't it weird how so many of us started blogging around the same time?

5/04/2006 5:38 PM  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

"plus a smattering of secret herbs and spices that only voodoo priests and Colonel Sanders know."

GREAT LINE!

Congrats on year 1.

5/05/2006 5:09 AM  
Blogger lime said...

wow, now i know. thanks!

5/05/2006 8:56 AM  
Blogger Slade said...

happy blogoversary! I'm so glad you stayed with us! If I plan on meeting any blogger someday, it will be you!

As far as Zombies go--how about presidents?

5/05/2006 10:16 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Laura - The good things about the imposters are they usually don't smell as bad as zombies. Now, if you have really bad allergies, that could be a problem.

Tshsmom - No, we want to be selective of who we set up in the compound. Definitely not any of them.

GWB - Thanks.

Lime - You're welcome. :)

Slade - You're too sweet. :)

As for Presidents, I don't think I've liked a President since JFK, the last true conservative.

5/05/2006 10:43 AM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

You're right about most of it but... are you sure Scientologists aren't Zombies?

5/05/2006 12:32 PM  
Anonymous vnomynous said...

melanie, I think its called 'New Way' (N Z Land), a re hash of the old way of Amway, anyway I cant say, dont know anyway er er.

5/06/2006 5:36 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

Happy belated blogoversary ZS!

5/07/2006 2:13 AM  
Anonymous snavylyn said...

Thanks for the background on "non-zombies". I was curious about the different groups.

What is the origin of the virus?? I may have missed that in the last year...

5/07/2006 8:54 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

awesome! happy blogoversary. I've missed you lately...

5/08/2006 10:51 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Hi Z!
Good stuff to know. I'm so happy that you have taken it upon yourself to be our zombie-guru.
Every generation needs one.
Happy Anniversary friend. I look forward to a more lasting presence.
:)

5/08/2006 1:12 PM  
Anonymous anon said...

N W,, XXX

5/08/2006 6:52 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

So what ARE zombies, then?

5/09/2006 12:03 AM  
Anonymous J.F. said...

Zom - Looks like you deleted that asshole. I bet it was that DHG bigot. Man, I bet you were right when you said he's sick and desperately needs attention from a male role-model. Too bad it's you he's trying to impress.

Oh, by the way, slick move getting Woodson, but the Raiders will still kick your Packers' asses. Ha ha. Favre needs to give it up.

5/09/2006 12:25 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Saurkraut - Yup, just weirdos.

Vnonymous - I heard it by another name yet. Forgot the name though.

Dusty - Thanks.

Snavylyn - Nobody knows. It's a real old virus. The Zombie Survival Guide has more info on the origins of the virus.

Melanie - Thanks. I'll try not to be a stranger.

Sadie - Thanks. There'll hopefully be more of a presense this summer.

Miranda - It's a disease, caused by a viral infection that infects the brain.

JF - I was thinking that too. Just tired of that troll. Bad news for you though. Even with Shell, expect two years before your team has a winning record. It takes time to build a team.

5/09/2006 10:16 PM  
Blogger Joe said...

I've been training hard on my shooting skillz. So I'll be ready when the time comes.

5/10/2006 9:46 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

i think the jury is definitely out on the scientologists. tom cruise has a zombie-ish glint in his eye.

5/10/2006 1:59 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Joe - Heh. You're better with a shotgun than I am. You I'm not worried about when the zombie plague starts.

Bearette - I think they ate Tom Cruise is animated. More like a voodoo zombie than a true zombie though.

5/10/2006 8:11 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

bearette. Tom Cruise has been deceased for umpteen yonks, he frequently visits Hubbard in his Un/ground cupboard and is secretly known by the CIA as the communicator, who is the go-between for after death communications unlimited, he has an alias to, his code number is DHG 001.

5/10/2006 10:33 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

Miranda, Zombies apparently are filthy evil ugly smelly people who are occasionally (more than likely)dead but walking, whose sole aim is to devour virtuous persons like your self and the the male counterpart( near impossible). Having done so the zombie takes over the form of the devoured person and continues to devour until it aquires several identities, you'll never know who until its your turn to be eaten.
So watch out.

5/10/2006 10:56 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Vest - Good description. Looks like you've been doing some research.

5/11/2006 8:29 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

Nwyas i don't worry much about the plague... You are there to save the whole hummanity and me and the rest of us.

Good luck with the research!

5/12/2006 4:03 AM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

i think we don't need zombie plague to ruin the world... it already heading there... you don't realise it untill you turn 23 and turn on the idiot box.
the world needs more ZSlayer..
cheers 2u!!

5/12/2006 4:20 AM  
Blogger neal said...

Knives may not be a close range weapon but a good samurai sword could be usefull.

I always wondered what those secret herbs and spices they used at KFC.

I think we should round up all the zombies and deport them to Mexico after building a tall fence along our border.

5/12/2006 10:56 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

Vest:
There's the answer I was looking for! I'd rather be eaten by a grue.

5/13/2006 12:05 AM  
Blogger neal said...

There is proof that Tom Cruise isn't a zombie. He missed on the chance to chew on Oprah. That would have been a feast for four or five zombies and he just jumped up and down on her couch like a lunatic. Proof enough for me.

5/13/2006 2:18 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

neal,Ophra, is skinny now, havent you heard.
Mis/Imp 3, T C,came out six days ago, yesterday pirate copies were selling for 5 bucks here in sticksville.

5/14/2006 3:37 AM  
Anonymous zed said...

Miranda--getting eaten can be good for you--depends wots being eaten and whos invited to dinner

5/14/2006 8:51 PM  
Blogger mckay said...

i saw this and thought of you.
mck.

5/15/2006 5:06 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

Miranda (I'd rather be eaten by a grue).How can you be so sure unless you have experienced this phenomenon? What on earth is a grue? Oz Aborigine perhaps. plese enlighten me I am all ears. K I S.

5/16/2006 1:14 AM  
Anonymous old bloody albertt said...

this is now a bible thumpers bloog get rid of these religous pot heads Zom pis them off thegooks jeeseyou makemy headgo burp*#$%^%$#$%%^%$oles

5/16/2006 5:51 AM  
Anonymous bertie said...

i betmister althouse has afunking good nickmame

5/16/2006 5:54 AM  
Anonymous gordon said...

hey zed--go careful what youse eat man she sounds a bit fishy

5/16/2006 2:19 PM  
Blogger snavy said...

I've been giving this some thought and, I think it just may be the Amway salesmen/women/people.

5/16/2006 6:30 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

TC - Kind of worried about you, considering you're smack dead in the middle of the two most highly populated countries on Earth. More people = more zombies when the plague happens. :(

Neal - The Japanese were well aware of the zombie plague. Notice their weapons were all made specifically for decapitation. Coincidence? I think not.

As for Oprah, I thought she was slim again.

Miranda - I had to look it up.

Vest - Check out the link I posted to Miranda.

Zed - Well, the focus here is on zombies and surviving the upcoming zombie plague, so any references I make to getting eaten are a very, very bad thing.

McKay - Love it! Too bad I didn't market that.

Albert - Uh, easy on the liquor amigo.

Bertie - Yes, and he's a good writer too.

Snavylyn - Let me reiterate, they look, walk and talk like zombies, but no, they're not infected by the zombie-causing virus. Please do not shoot them in the head.

I've always found if you want to get rid of someone, sell them something. Like when the Amway guy comes, sell him Scientology. When the Scientology guy comes, sell him Amway. Works on telemarketers too.

5/16/2006 7:24 PM  

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