Friday, January 06, 2006

James Bond, bad sushi, and hot waitresses telling jokes

Sometimes, being brave isn't a good thing

You don't want to be James Bond's friend. Bad things always happen to James Bond's friends. If James Bond comes up to you and wanted to grab a beer with you, just tell him "No James Bond, I won't grab a beer with you and I don't want to be your friend." With his track record of friendships, I'm sure he'll understand.

You also don't want to be the fat fighter pilot. The fat fighter pilot always dies. If you're fat and a fighter pilot, either lose weight or don't go up that day. This is especially true when flying a fighter spacecraft.

You don't want to be in the first line of attacking medieval warriors. They always get hit by arrows. Screw that. You don't want to be in the rear either because some monster always eats them. The safest place is to be near the rear, but not in the rear.

Now with zombies, don't be the first guy to walk into a building. You always know what happens to him. Also, don't get distracted or tell jokes when there may be zombies present. People who do that always die.

Bad sushi, hot waitresses, and dirty jokes

Before I had my job outsourced, we used to party big time in the Santa Barbara area on the weekends. Almost every Friday night, we'd hit the volleyball courts on East Beach then hit our favorite sushi restaurant for food and drinks.

The sushi there was some of the worst sushi I've ever had, but we weren't going there for the sushi. We knew just about every girl who worked there and let's just say the hiring manager seemed to prefer knock-outs.

That's what I don't understand about our celebrity media. If Paris Hilton were working there, she'd be known as the ugly waitress. Why are so many people obsesssed with her?

Anyways, some of the girls were kind of bitchy, but we avoided them. If we found out that they were waiting in our area, we'd move tables to where the cool ones were. I don't care how hot someone is, I'd take attitude over looks any day. Of course good looks is a nice bonus.

To make a long story short, we had two favorites - one that was just a kind-hearted girl with an incredibly pretty face, and the other was a girl with a body of a Penthouse Pet who stored more dirty jokes in her noggin than I did. In fact, they were so dirty that I'm only going to repeat the only clean one I remember. Here it is.

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they stink

No hot babe this week, just me, the Zombieslayer family, and a few other pirates riding off into the full moon. Until next time...


Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

Hi Zombie,

Is that your picture? I like it. It's cool.

BTW: A belated Happy New Year to you and your family in the Zombie compound. I've got a good feeling about 2006...

1/06/2006 9:17 AM  
Blogger clothosfate said...

hahahaha... that was a good joke... did I mention I have just become a Mary Kay Beauty I loved this joke.

Also, good point about not always being brave, but then I am beginning to wonder if maybe thats not really bravery, but foolishness... have a good weekend Zombie man.

1/06/2006 9:48 AM  
Blogger Miladysa said...

Guess I just stink then - before the perfume :)

1/06/2006 10:28 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

those are interesting facts about james bond and such.

of course, most of us know the truth about having no named and being stationed on the USS Enterprise...better get a name dude.

last thing you want to hear from Capt Kirk.

Scotty, Spock, and ... uh you, come with me.

1/06/2006 12:04 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

well..some of us wear makeup cuz we are OLD..

your a trip your show!

1/06/2006 2:32 PM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

The fat fighter pilot (especialy spacecraft) reminds me of Star Wars. LOL!

Paris Hilton is my sworn enemy, kill her like you would a zombie upon sight.

1/06/2006 5:14 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Levi - Yeah, another one of my scribbles. Thanks.

Happy New Year to you and yours too. I too have a wonderful feeling about '06.

Clothosfate - You're really Mary Kay? That's cool. My wife and I know a woman who has a pink cadillac from Mary Kay. Nice perk. ;)

Miladysa - Sorry, that's what the joke said. ;)
I love third grader level jokes, because they're so corny. Most of my jokes are obscene, so it's nice to get one of those in every once in awhile.

Thom - Yup. That guy always dies. It's not that he just dies though, he more often than not dies a horrible death, like getting eaten by some alien worm, giant single-cell animals go into his brain, or something along those lines.

Dusty - I laughed the first time I saw my wife in make-up. She's such a tomboy that it just didn't look right. She's really trying to be more femme now, but it's still kind of funny.

I always got zits when I wore make-up (stage), then I learned you're supposed to put something under the make-up.

Bsoholic - Well, I tried to offer her to the Zombie Lama, but even he doesn't want her. He likes human brains, and said she won't even be a snack.

1/06/2006 6:14 PM  
Blogger neal said...

You mentioned clean jokes. Got this one in an e mail tonight. It is clean enough to share here.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

1/06/2006 7:01 PM  
Blogger neal said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1/06/2006 7:04 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

That is so f'ing cool, ZS. Love that ship. And the way you think. Happy weekend, my friend!


1/06/2006 7:13 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Neal - All right. I'll counter with a joke I told a homeless guy.

Guy goes into the doctor said says he can't go #2. So the doctor gives him some pills.

A week later, the guy comes back and says he still can't go #2. So the doctor gives him some stronger pills.

A week later, the guy comes back and says he still can't. So the doctor asks him all kinds of questions, some quite personal, when finally the doctor asks "what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies "I'm a musician."

So the doctor reaches for his wallet, hands the guy a $20, and says "here, so you can eat."

Bridget - Thanks. And hope you have a good weekend too.

1/06/2006 7:47 PM  
Blogger SME said...

You should mention some other rules about bravery: Never have sex in the woods, especially if you're a teenager. Don't be Afro, Asian, or Hispanic and do ANYTHING dangerous that involves a group of white people, 'cause you WILL die first. Don't babysit. If you do, don't have sex or use the phone. Etc.

1/06/2006 11:39 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

SME - I think of all of those, having sex in the woods is a sure suicide.

Let's see...
What did I leave out?
Being a scandily clad hot young woman talking on a telephone. That's always risky.

Picking up a hitchhiker.

Oh, the guy with glasses always dies.

1/06/2006 11:49 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

I'm a smart-a%$ed waittress, does that count?

1/07/2006 10:45 AM  
Blogger clothosfate said...

Oh one more thing... if you hear a noise, never go towards it.

And yes I just got into Mary Kay a couple of months ago and I love it.. really great products,(for example if you would have used Mary Kay before on stage, no zits) women LOVE it and by March I will be driving a new vibe. The cadillac is the third car you can earn, my senior director drives one... her fifth actually.

For a feminine feminist like me, this is perfect... I am my own boss, make good money and all I have to do is play with makeup. :)

1/07/2006 10:52 AM  
Blogger lime said...

some more important safety information regarding star trek. never wear a red shirt. sometimes even the guys with names die if they have a red shirt on.even my childrenunderstood this concept at a young age. it's critical

as for the makeup and perfume......the either i am a knockout who smells great natrually or i am really comofortably with my ugly smelly self, since i don't wear ether of those things. hehehe

1/07/2006 11:37 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Tshsmom - Sure, if you're funny.

This waitress that told the jokes told some real off color ones without flinching. And we responded with some of our own. Every time we went in there and had her, she had a few new ones for us. We loved her for it. It's too bad she was married for our single buddy had the hots for her.

Clothosfate - Yeah, I heard their products are good, and I know first hand that some of the women are making a good living doing it.

Their facial cleansing products supposebly are top notch. My wife has some, uses it on herself, but won't "waste" it on me. :(

Lime - I think Chris Rock pointed out the red shirt thing too. I'll need to see a slew of episodes again and watch for red shirts and count how many of them die.

I loved the original series best, but also liked The Next Generation. By the time of the two or three others, we didn't have cable.

Funny about the make-up and perfume. That was actually one of those boys against girls recess jokes that I'm surprised I didn't hear until that waitress told us. I couldn't stop laughing. It was so off the wall, especially after the slew of dirty jokes she was telling previously.

1/07/2006 11:51 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

What do you mean IF I'm funny?! :(

1/07/2006 1:24 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

Straight off the cuff.
Going back a bit, I was doing a job for a lady who was sick and asleep at the time at her house when the phone rang.
The caller said "This is John, please tell my mother I will not be home this weekend as my boss is having a hysterectomy"
I confirmed that I would, And stated.
"John, I hope your boss is a Woman".
I heard much laughter from the other end.

1/07/2006 1:33 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Tshsmom - Well, situational. One person could do hilarious stand up, but have them wait tables and they'd be so insecure about dropping something on someone's lap that their lines won't come out right. Or another example, put good actors with a horrible script and you have Star Wars I-III.

But of course, I'm sure you'll be hilarious. :)

Vest - Heh.

On a side note, you know how that surgery is in the serious big bucks with people? Well, why is it $100 with dogs? I think doctors are laughing all the way to the bank with it. Probably like dentists and wisdom teeth.

1/07/2006 2:28 PM  
Blogger barefoot_mistress said...

Hey Zombie, I live in the North Bay...traffic can be out of control, can't it?

Happy NEw Year!

1/07/2006 5:07 PM  
Blogger barefoot_mistress said...

and never, ever, go upstairs, you will die....

1/07/2006 5:09 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Barefoot - Sure does. I'm lucky I'm close to work.

As for upstairs, worst place in the house. Besides of course the closet or under the bed.

Happy New Years to you and yours! :)

1/07/2006 5:51 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

O MY came over to my political blog? I wish I could of been a mouse on your shoulder listening to your remarks as you read

actually your comments did not surprize me. You are a fair and even-handed person. I am registered Indie myself and so If a good republican candidate comes along I will endorse him. What did you think of Ahnolds state of the state address the other night? he sounded like a democrat lmao..

thanks for stopping by there have no idea what it means to have you read it and comment. :)

1/07/2006 6:10 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Dusty - Mixed feelings. He's for spending $220 billion over ten years. How is he going to get that money? Are we going to raise taxes again?

Yes, we have serious problems with our schools and infrastructure. He mentioned both water and transportation, which both need to be addressed.

He failed to mention what he's going to do about illegals. We already have 37 million in California. It's already getting crowded.

Back in the early 90s, the drive from San Francisco to Santa Barbara was nice. Now it's a drag. Every year, there is less open space and he failed to mention anything about that.

I wasn't too crazy about Arnold's election. I voted for Bill Simon the first time around and was in Texas when Davis got booted, but I would have probably voted for McClintock.

I know you're independent. I really don't care what party a political person is, because everyone should vote in their best interest. Your best interest will be different than mine. Plus, we need dissenting views, now more than ever.

Whatever happens though, California will thrive. It has some of the world's greatest minds and the world's best soil, and as long as we don't completely cover it with concrete, California will survive through anything, even mediocre governors (or really bad ones like Davis).

1/07/2006 7:14 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

Miladysa, probably in your case the day before the traditional English hair wash ritual and tin bath in front of the fire on Saturdays, always needed a cover up.
I graduated up to a shower with hard yellow laundry soap every day at my boarding school for more than five years. My brief vacations allowed me to live among the great unwashed, a teenagers delight.
BTW I now shower min one daily.

1/07/2006 8:12 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

He said NO NEW TAXES..he wants to put up bonds for all his infrastructure work. He thinks hes FDR..or was it Hoover that put everyone to work building the roads,bridges, etc.

As far as the home building not tell me about it. We are the fastest home building region in Cali. The whole southern end of the San Joaquin valley is becoming a "bedroom" community for LA and the San Fernando area as witnessed by the fact that Bakersfield is no longer the "redneck" capital of cali anymore..we are getting "gentrified and yuppiefied" more and more every day. This is a beautiful part of the state..and its quickly disappearing..the farm lands are gone being replacedd by houses and urban sprawl. Its growing so quickly that our sewer system is faltering and they now want to put all the new homes being built on..get this..septic tanks! what that will do to the ground water in a few years is unspeakable, plus its going backwards not forwards technology wise.

1/07/2006 8:29 PM  
Blogger Metal Mark said...

I loved the James Bond thing and the other rules. I agree with the fat fighter pilot, but you also don't want to be a very skinny smartass. If you are the main character then you are okay, but if not then you are at the very least going to get wounded.

1/08/2006 9:27 AM  
Blogger neal said...

I guess I am dead then because I am legally blind without glasses. I guess I should keep the Mossberg by my side always just so I don't get bitten by a zombie.

Zombie---another joke

This guy goes to his doctor and says he can't go #2. (you reminded me of this joke with yours). The doctor tells him to get some suppositories. About a week later the guy comes back to the doctor and says he still can't go #2. The doctor asks if he is using the suppositories like he told him. The guy says "Of course. What did you think I was doing? Shoving them up my butt?"

1/08/2006 12:16 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Wow Zombie, you got a "Levi Comment" consider yourself blessed. I was convinced he had been sucked into a hole or something. Hey Levi, return my mom's book or be warned! My mom is pretty protective of her books...

Paris Hilton is really just a sad state of affairs, isn't she? I mean, she is the symbol of what is wrong with our celebrity infatuation. Horrible.
Did you do a review of Serenity? I saw that this weekend--blech. I'm curious if you were one of those that suggested it?

1/08/2006 1:46 PM  
Blogger Bhakti said...

That's a totally cool drawing...and we all know how much I love the moon! Did you draw that??

BTW: How do you keep a jackass in suspense?

1/08/2006 3:17 PM  
Blogger marcy_peanut said...

I'm allergic to perfume. But I wear makeup. Does that mean that I am pretty but I stink???

1/08/2006 3:18 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Vest - The perks of living in Australia vs England.

Dusty - FDR was only following Hoover's policy. The thing FDR had that Hoover didn't have was charisma. Hoover didn't have half of what FDR had.

As for the second paragraph, why do you think I'm so much against illegal immigration? Americans have already achieved zero population growth. It's illegal immigration that has made CA shoot up to 37 million, and 45 million in 2020. I do not want to see CA look like Europe or Japan. I love this state too much.

Mark - The other sad thing about the skinny smart*ss sidekick is he never gets the babes. The main character always gets the babes and the skinny guy only gets to watch. Bummer for him.

Neal - Love the Mossburg 500A. Cheap and dependable. They do exactly what you need them to do and they come with both a 28" and 18" barrel. The military actually uses the Mossburg 590 as a trench shotgun. Excellent guns they are.

As for that joke, I'll have to pass that on to my wife. She used to be a CNA.

Sadie - Yeah, I loved Serenity when I saw it, but it was more because it was a space zombie movie with a good point that this is what would happen if we try to suppress aggression. I really think aggressive urges are a good thing, they just need to be channeled in the right direction. I wouldn't be half as successful as I am today if I wasn't aggressive and risk taking.

So that movie hit home for me. Was it a great movie? No. But it hit a soft spot for me, something I've been arguing for years.

As for Levi, he got firsties! I'm stoked he left me a comment. :)

Bhakti - Yeah, I do cartoons for fun. I've never sold any of them, just do them for fun. As for your joke, how? ;)

Marcy - Does that mean that I am pretty but I stink???

Yup, that's what it means. So you'd be popular in Europe. ;)

1/08/2006 4:18 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Oh, for you anti-Paris Hilton folks, I tried giving her to The Zombie Lama but he doesn't want her either. :(

1/08/2006 4:19 PM  
Blogger Bhakti said...

I'll tell you next week.

***ba dum dum!!!***

1/08/2006 6:54 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

marcy peanut, most women I have heard say they were allergic to perfume were probably too mean or too poor to afford the privilege, perfume would be wasteful on ugly women anyhow. T W S T C.

1/09/2006 4:42 AM  
Anonymous rosemary said...

I have passed my UBD but I feel good when I see others my age who have let them selves go, good presentation of ones self is important to me, it makes me feel special to that special person in my life. Yes I use perfume, it just gives that finishing touch to help me feel even more feminine.
BTW I take a bath twice weekly and shower twice daily, due to our temperate climate, I also swim to keep fit and do most of the domestic duties, and find time to gad about most weekends, I also have a handsome hubby and we are still lovers after ###### years.
Buy your darling a 100ml bot of White Diamonds(my favourite) ZOMBIE SLAYER you old skinflint it costs me about 80 bucks , your lady love will adore you for ever.
Mind you she may say " what the bloody hell is that for, do I smell that bad".

1/09/2006 5:54 AM  
Blogger Vest said...

After Sizing the woman of your choice, The Brown Paper Sack trick makes most women equal.
And if you are that desperate you might say afterwards, "That could have been Paris Hilton for all I Know".

1/09/2006 1:55 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

Awesome post! As usual. And yes, Paris Hilton is ugly!

1/09/2006 3:06 PM  
Blogger neal said...

Here is that quote I mentioned in my last post in case anyone is interested. It is by Don B. Kates, Professor of Constitutional and Criminal Law. He states;

"It is quite impossible for the police-and indeed, it is not their job to provide individual protection for threatened individuals. The job of the police is to provice general deterrence by patrolling areas where crime may occur and by apprehending those who have comitted criminal acts. Necessarily, the law places the primary responsibility for protecting threatened people on the people themselves. Unfortuanately the gun prohibitionists seldom deal with the qusestion of how unarmed people are supposed to defend themselves, nor do those who claim that protection is the job of the police explain how threatened people can get the help they need."

So basically what he is saying that it isn't the job of the police to protect you. That job lies with you. So if someone breaks into your home and you don't have a gun you had best hope you are on good terms with the Lord because you are gonna need a mighty powerful miracle to protect you.

1/09/2006 6:43 PM  
Blogger neal said...

A good read if anyone is interested

Do guns cause crime?

This is one issue I am very strong on and I think Zombie and me see eye to eye on.

1/09/2006 6:51 PM  
Blogger sygyzy said...

I actually think there is good sushi to be had in SB.

1/11/2006 5:01 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Bhakti - Ouch. :p

Vest - Would perfume really be a waste on ugly women? Haven't you heard that hit song a few decades back about ugly women? They appreciate you more and make better wives.

Rosemary - Thanks for the tip. I'll take a look for White Diamonds. No, don't worry, she loves perfume so she'll take no offense if I bought her a bottle.

Mel - Your body is a million times hotter than Ms. Hilton's.

Neal - Yes, we definitely see eye to eye on this issue. :)

Sygyzy - There is. Something's Fishy is pretty good as is that one that I went to a few times that starts with A. Forgot the name of it though. But like I said, we didn't go for the sushi.

1/11/2006 8:43 PM  
Anonymous gregorie the groper said...

can i have paris hillton, please! i am nottashamed of being a dwarf but get pissed of wen pricks tell me i am pokeing my nose in there buisness

1/12/2006 2:23 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Gregorie - She's all yours! Finally, a taker. Just be sure to wear double, or actually probably triple condoms.

1/12/2006 7:07 PM  

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