Thursday, September 08, 2005

"Three to beam up!"

You won't be beaming me up, Scotty!

I know you watched Star Trek before so don't even pretend you've never seen it. You ever notice that Scotty always refuses to be teleported and he always takes the shuttle craft if he has to go anywhere?

Well, there's a reason for that. It's because beaming you up kills you.

In a nutshell, the teleporter takes an image of you, breaks up your matter, and recreates it somewhere else. If your matter is broken up, you're dead. It's taking a snapshot of you and putting it somewhere else while destroying you.

Think of it like a clone. Let's just say they clone you, somehow get your memories into the clone's head, and kill you. Well, to everyone else, they think it's you because they remember the time you dropped those expensive plates and so does the clone. But that clone still isn't you. You're dead.

Kind of like Fidel Castro. We Americans have been trying to kill him for decades now. Little do we know, we've succeeded and Fidel is really Clone #6. (One had a heart attack, one had lung cancer from all those cigars, and we've killed the rest).

That's how it is with the teleporter.

So you young people out there, when they start offering lots of dead presidents for testing the teleporter, just say no. Don't think of all da bling bling you could buy. Remember what your friend the Zombieslayer told you. And remember, the guy who operates it and the only guy on the ship who knows how it really works always takes the shuttle craft. No coincidence there.

37 Comments:

Blogger Sadie Lou said...

The only Star Trek episode I have ever seen was that horribly famous one where the crew has to deal with those furry things.
I remember sitting at the diningroom table, eating Mac & Cheese with cut up hot dogs in it and my parents were getting ready to go out to dinner.
Other than that--I was not a Star Trek fan.

9/08/2005 9:56 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

i always thought scotty had a good sense of humor, when I saw the bumper sticker that read, 'very funny, scotty ... now beam down my clothes!"

9/08/2005 10:17 AM  
Blogger sygyzy said...

Good thing you are explaining this for people whoe, *ahem, cough, Barcelona*, don't know anything about Star Trek.

9/08/2005 10:23 AM  
Blogger hutytito said...

{You ever notice that Scotty always refuses to be teleported and he always takes the shuttle craft if he has to go anywhere?}

LOLOLOLOL!!! i had never noticed this, but it makes sense.

Not to self: do not use the teleporter any more.

9/08/2005 10:28 AM  
Blogger Slade said...

HA! I wish they would teleport Bush...hmmm maybe teleport him to Castro...that would be fun to watch...hehe

9/08/2005 10:33 AM  
Blogger Slade said...

one more thing...I thought you would think this was quite interesting...I talked to my director about that student and she said that she thinks he is flirting with me, that he shows all the signs and she's seen it in the past...gross

9/08/2005 10:35 AM  
Blogger sygyzy said...

So a guy goes into the local sex shop and tells the guy behind the counter that he wants a sex doll.
The guys says “You want a Christian or Muslim one?”
He says, “What’s the difference?”
“Well, the Muslim one blows herself up.”

9/08/2005 10:49 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Slade - Bummer. You didn't get some not too bright blonde pretty boy like my Creative Writing professor and you got an insecure kid instead. :(

Yeah, but if we get rid of Bush, we'd have Cheney. See, Bush is smarter than you realize. Cheney's his life insurance policy, just like his father had Quayle as a life insurance policy. No matter how much you may have hated his father, you'd rather have him than Quayle. And likewise with son and Cheney.

Come to think of it, that's why no one ever shot Clinton. We'd have Tipper Gore as first lady. Clinton's a genius. :p

SG - Well, the big question then, did you write that novella before or after you first used the teleporter? By the way, I'm almost caught up. I'm on Chapter 21 now.

Sygyzy - When nobody's looking, he sneaks out his Star Trek video tapes. You know he has a stash buried. That's why he's always bagging on the show. He's convinced he would no longer be pimp if he admitted he liked Star Trek.

Thomcat - I've seen that. Love that bumper sticker. Also seen "Beam up up, Scottie! There's no intelligent life down here."

Sadie - Urgh! That was by far the worst episode ever. Even Roddenberry admitted that episode was a mistake. And George Lucas probably loved it.

9/08/2005 10:55 AM  
Blogger dave said...

why do you have to pick on me, sygyzy? i know what a beamer up is.

9/08/2005 10:56 AM  
Blogger dave said...

sygyzy, that's a funny joke.

i've got one for you:

what's green and smells like pork?

kermit's fingers.

9/08/2005 10:59 AM  
Blogger sygyzy said...

dave, I don't get your joke. Can you explain it please?

9/08/2005 11:16 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Dave and Sygyzy - You guys are going to get me in trouble. :p

Okay, you want to hear a dirty joke?
The horse fell in the mud.

Ha ha.

9/08/2005 11:34 AM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

My favorite is Space Balls...

Prez is not sure about transporting, and ask if it's safe... the lady says oh yes, Snotty beamed me twice last night, it was wonderful!

9/08/2005 12:07 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Dude, that was funny--and accurate. I never noticed that about Scotty... I read a book about time travel from Michael Crighton, and that was his thing about time travel, that you are taken apart and reconstructed in another time, but the reconstruction is not always perfect. I wouldn't do it. No way.

9/08/2005 1:06 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

Maybe we could give fidel to the giant evil baby, or the Napoleon sort of alien guy. Or the scary lizard. Even the Romulans. Or
we could give him that agining disease. Or Mud's women!

Er. Okay. I've seen way too much Startrek.

9/08/2005 1:24 PM  
Blogger dave said...

that's not a dirty joke. get your mind out of the gutter, zombie.

kermit's fingers smell like pork because he holds piggy's hand and gives her foot (hoof) massages. gosh.

9/08/2005 1:47 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Dave - You're the only guy since my old Pizza Hut manager who thinks that innocently. We used to joke about him because he's the only guy we knew who would go to Mardi Gras for the festivities. The rest of us went to see chicks flash (and no, I have yet to go, dang it).

Miranda - You've seen some episodes that I haven't even seen. Not that I'm a big fan or anything, it's just on a lot.

Scott - I haven't read that one. Just read Eaters of the Dead, Prey, and Andromeda Strain. But thanks for the heads up. Next time someone asks if I want to go time travelling with them, I'll say no.

Bsoholic - You want to hear something really bad? I've never seen that movie in its entirety. I know, I know.

9/08/2005 2:49 PM  
Blogger dave said...

too late now, zombie.

9/08/2005 2:54 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

Tee hee... too funny. I'll admit, I watched Star Trek when I was a kid. I never paid attention to Scotty taking the shuttle. I was always paying attention to Spok's ears. They always freaked me out. :-/

9/08/2005 4:08 PM  
Blogger Moni said...

I never really paid that much attention to the fact that Scotty was never teleported. I was too busy adoring Captian Kirk. Ewwwe what was I thinking? But I was crushed to find out that Scotty really wasn't Scottish. I dinnea like tha' aye.

**Blush** that was funny Dave...tehe ;O

9/08/2005 5:07 PM  
Blogger Liquidplastic said...

Now that an interesting bit of information Zombie. I often wondered why Scotty didn't beam up.

What about x-rays?

9/08/2005 5:21 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Sadie Lou, those were tribbles!

Oops I just admitted to being a geek. Well so what, I am.

Didn't like the new ST with that bald guy at all.


RE teleporting...ooooohhhhh Mr. B needs a lift somewhere giggle giggle!

Bridg the naughty

9/08/2005 5:34 PM  
Blogger clothosfate said...

hahahaha... good one. I never noticed either and now that you point it out... well I will never think of teleportation the same way again. I also loved Space Balls.

Oh and I think you can give up on Fidel... he's going to be gone soon enough without any help but time, I have a close friend who is from Cuba and his mother was a secretary for Fidel at one time, she's a real rebel, a real old rebel but real enough. She has some great stories.

9/08/2005 6:05 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Clothosfate - I really hope we start trading with Cuba. I don't see why we don't trade with Cuba, yet we trade with China. It's absurd.

Bridget - Yeah, I like the original series better too. Kirk's more cool. He gets the alien babes and wins his fights. Picard always has to depend on Data or that Klingon guy when the going gets tough.

LP - X-rays are fine. They just give you cancer.

Moni - Kirk's a stud. Can't say the same about the guy who played him though.

Notta - I think Spock's the descendant of Legolas.

Dave - New Orleans will be back.

9/08/2005 7:42 PM  
Blogger Bo Salisbury said...

Zombieslayer, I reckon...uh, you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like teleporting?

"Easy," replied Zombieslayer with a slight lisp, "I've already looked into it for myself."

Right on... Right on...

9/08/2005 8:36 PM  
Blogger Truman said...

Dang. I never knew that about Scotty. He rules. Except for the time he tried to talk to a computer by speaking into the mouse... We all know that movie sucked though.

9/08/2005 9:40 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

I don't care what anyone says! I LIKE William Shatner. Even if his writing and acting are pathetic, he has the decency to admit it. :P

That said, Babylon 5 is infinitely superior to Startrek, if for no other reason than because Bruce Boxleitner of Tron fame is its captain ;)

Am I a geek? Yes, yes I am and I have the Commodore 64 disk drives to prove it.

9/09/2005 12:50 AM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Didn't they have an episode, or maybe it was one of the extended episodes (aka movies) where the transporter screwed up and the people beamed up all mushy? Or was that just in "Galaxy Quest"?

9/09/2005 8:03 AM  
Blogger zydeco fish said...

I'm happy with any post that pokes holes in the so-called science of Star Trek. It seems to me that if you have complete control over matter (with the holodeck and transporters and replicators) then you don't need doctors. Oh, and time travel bugs me too.

9/09/2005 8:32 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

damn , there are some bloggers that i'd like to beam up ... anyway, ZS dear thomcat will be at the fifth circle of cubic hell, until further notice ... but i do have another email from a concerned business owner who wants to know how to stock up for the upcoming zombie plague ...

9/09/2005 9:10 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Thom - Okay. I'll check out that blog more often then. Love the Dear Thoms.

ZF - Yeah, it's fantasy. But I think Roddenberry was aware of that because you notice Scotty, the only guy who knew how it worked, always took the shuttle craft.

ZL - The first movie, a lady died in the teleporter. And I remember a lot of episodes when someone was yelling at Scottie "we're losing them" as he was trying to beam people up.

Miranda - I need to give that show a chance. Never seen one episode. I like cheese though, and the first Star Trek series had plenty of it.

Truman - Most of the movies sucked except for 2 and 6. I didn't get into The Next Generation as much.

Bo - I can assure you, cyperspace is safe, unless you try to download yourself, which there is a group of people who are trying to do that.

By the way, if someone says they're the Zombieslayer and has a lisp, it's a bad clone or an imposter. The way to see if it's the real one is sing a line from an obscure Judas Priest song. If the guy can't help himself and sings the next line, it's the real Zombieslayer.

9/09/2005 9:22 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

well, i posted a dear thomcat yesterday for you ZS , office related ... let me know what you think

9/09/2005 11:05 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

ZS, I'm probably the only one here, other than Bridget, who saw the "old" Star Trek episodes when they were new.
You're right; the Tribble episodes were lame. There were a lot of good episodes based on the stories of the classic sci-fi authors like Ray Bradbury and Harlan Ellison.
As for Scotty, we all KNOW that he was the brains of the outfit!

9/10/2005 5:22 AM  
Blogger savage said...

Thanks for plugtagging me, there, ZS.
-r
PS:
Zombieslayer is my master…
PPS:
Hey!  My JSe Presents ( http://jsepresents.blogspot.com/ ) 'blog was SPAMMED!  …I noticed it makes me type in some obscene characters in order to post this, now on yours:  What do I have to do to activate that?
I can't believe people don't care about AI.  I'd say 'what are they thinking,' but the temptation to point out that the machine is thinking while their EEGs are all flatline…
blah. :(
gqsxqg <— what I have to type…
-=-

9/10/2005 9:48 AM  
Blogger savage said...

ZS's clone likes Judas Priest, too.
-r
PS:
I'm just sayin'

In other news:
ssdgwkqx <— This is what I have to type this time.
-=-

9/10/2005 9:51 AM  
Blogger savage said...

James Montgomery Doohan (1920 - 2005)
>>> (1920-03-03 – 2005-07-20) <<<
RIP, Scottie.
-r
PS:
See the Wiki article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Doohan
or (appropriate to this topic)…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montgomery_Scott

wofrdsqf <— WOF RD SQF hm.
-=-

9/10/2005 9:55 AM  
Blogger savage said...

zydeco-
Loosen up dude:  It's a gd television show!
-r
PS:
Ya wanna have a cow?  Check out what passes for 'news' these days.  CRAP people like you piss me off.

(requisit:  omaafp)
-=-

9/10/2005 10:06 AM  

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