Thursday, September 01, 2005

Hot Israeli Babe - Natalie Portman w/Jewish jokes

I saw The Professional when it first made it to the rental stores. Right away, I recognized her talent, even though she was only twelve at the time. I find it cool she went to Harvard for four years, but unfortunately, she majored in Psychology, which I've always dismissed as a quack major. I wouldn't let a shrink touch me with a ten foot pole. The only people I trust less than shrinks are lawyers.

Still, Ms Portman's gorgeous. She's tiny, only being 5' tall and barely weighing over one hundred pounds. But she radiates sexiness, in her case a mixture of intelligence, confidence, and talent. And I love that smile.

Her stints in the Star Wars movies though hurt her babe appeal. She didn't look decent in any of them. Not only can George Lucas write the most awful dialogue, he wouldn't know sexy if it came up to him and slapped him in the face. Robert Rodriguez needs to direct Natalie Portman.

Here she is. You gotta love that smile. And yes, any day now I'm expecting a reply from Ms Portman on whether or not she'll come live in the compound. Being the intelligent young lady she is, I'm sure she'll say yes.


Jewish Jokes

Disclaimer: For those of you who are new to this blog, the ethnic jokes series is out of love, not out of hate. So if you're initially offended, please understand that no one is safe from the Zombieslayer's ethnic joke series, except for the Narnians. You can't trust those Narnians though. Notice how every time you try to enter their world, the gate changes. Those sneaky Narnians.

What do you get when you mix a Catholic and a Jew?
Someone's who's self-loathing and feels guilty about it.



Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because air is free



How do they take census in Jerusalem?
Roll a quarter down Main Street



Two Jewish guys came across an article about the disease herpes. They both went into a panic, and decided to hit the local library to learn everything they could about the disease.

Suddenly, one said to the other they didn't have to worry about the disease. "Why's that," the other Jew asked him.

"Well, it says here that only Gentiles could get it."



And lastly, you know you're Jewish when you're a well-known, well-liked, and highly profitable Doctor and your mother still says "why can't you be more successful like your older brother?"

32 Comments:

Blogger Laura said...

Ever seen "Leon The Professional"? The original Professional rather than the Americanized edit. There's a little more violence and more of the 'sexual' tension than in the American one...

Don't be so dismissive of psychology, there's more to psychology than clinical therapy btw. Social Psychology has helped explain many a social phenomena, I/O is responsible for such things as adequate placement of switches in car dashboards and neuropsych has done a lot to explain human behavior... Most people think Freud when they think Psychology and yes, he was a quack and did enough cocaine to kill a small horse. But there's plenty of other practioner theories out there that do help people without dream interpretation and assuming Uncle Bob touched your special place when you were 6... ;)

9/01/2005 9:55 AM  
Blogger sygyzy said...

Natalie was on TRL a few years back when Carson Daly was still hosting. They were talking about the Presidential elections since she's very politically active. Anyway, he asks if she'd like to be President of the United States someday. She said no . He kept pressing the quesiton. "Cmon, wouldn't that be cool? To be President?"

Finally, she gave him this look and said "You have to be born here to be President."

Ooooh! Hope you're hungry Carson, cuz you just got served!

9/01/2005 10:37 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Loved the professional, but Ms. Portman may be overrated, and seems a little wooden to me as an actress. She is a babe though, but they hype of her childhood hasn't translated well into her adult years. In my humble opinion of course.

The only Jewish joke I know is: what happens to a jew that bumps into a wall with a hard on? He breaks his nose.

9/01/2005 10:57 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Laura - I have three major problems with psychology. One, they overprescribe psychiatric drugs. Two, they assume every problem needs solving. No thanks, but I'd rather stay neurotic than see a shrink. Three, they over categorize people. Geez, they'd have a field day with someone like me. And of course, in the 90s, they thought everyone and their dog was sexually molested, bringing out demons in people that never existed before.

I just think for one thing, the human brain is too complex for quick categorizations and we have free will.

The psychologists I like are the ones who believe in self-actualization. They're more positive and believe that a strong-willed person could survive through anything. I like them.

Sygyzy - You'd think he'd know better. That's a big strike against Carson Daly. Kurt Loder was another person known for not doing their research before conducting an interview (or hosting a show). It's not like it takes that long to find out basic stuff about someone before they come on your show.

Scott - That was awesome. I never heard that one before.

As for Portman, I'm convinced if Rodriguez directed her, not only will every guy drool over her, but she'd be a better recepted actress. She just needs to work with better directors. Look how talented she seemed in The Professional with a good director.

9/01/2005 11:01 AM  
Blogger Slade said...

Hey now, I thought she looked fab in Episode 3...now Hayden really needed some work--on his acting and his looks

Nat P. is on Mr. Slade's "list"

9/01/2005 11:27 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

ZS: That's psychaitrists that prescribe medication. Psychologists have a PhD research degree, psychaitrists are MDs - that's why they think everything needds drugs and solutions.

Most clinicians think that a 'problem' is only a problem when it interferes with the person's subjective ability to live their life. i.e. a phobia is only a problem if it interferes with your functioning. The researchers seek to explain behaviors, no different than an economist or political scientist. But anyway - not the topic of the post so I don't wan to hijack it.

9/01/2005 11:47 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Laura - Ah, so it must be psychiatrists that I should be weary of then. ;)
Thanks for the correction.

Slade - Hey, one of these days, bug Mr. Slade to publish his "list."

9/01/2005 11:59 AM  
Blogger savage said...

Psychiatrists, ZS, not PSYCHOLOGISTS.
Psychologists CAN'T prescribe BREAD.
-r
PS:
People want prescriptions, they don't want help.
Ask anyone who deals with troubled people: Troubled people want to understand. Lazy parents don't have troubled kids, they just want the easy way out. They're part-time parents and that's too much for them, so their kid must have ADHD or some shit, so they get them medicated.
Knowing what's up and how your brain works isn't pseudoscience.
Clogging yourself with medication is (to me) the same as taking "recreational" drugs:  Horseshit.
-=-

9/01/2005 12:12 PM  
Blogger savage said...

…Also, ZS, you seem to have a bigger problem with SOCIOLOGISTS, not PSYCHOLOGISTS.  Besides, I doubt it needs to be said, but a few bad apples doesn't make ALL APPLES bad.
-r
PS:
I agree that if I were a kid today, and more so if I were a kid in the '90s, they'd've medicated me (ZS and I've actually discussed this) — It is a case of people not taking responsibility anymore and actually doing stuff with their kids.
Categorizations?  Are you talking about those so-called personality tests?  I agree, that crap is like astrology.  If you're general enough and seem professional enough people won't question the results.
-=-

9/01/2005 12:15 PM  
Blogger savage said...

Laura:
I didn't see your response!  Sorry!
-r
PS:
Yeah, the psychiatrists, not the psychologists, like Mrs. Savage.
Assuming she doesn't get too depressed herself and quit!  No irony intended.
-=-

9/01/2005 12:18 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

*covers her nose* It's not true about us! It isn't! Okay, it is :P

9/01/2005 12:58 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9/01/2005 1:05 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

OK i'll try one ...
A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him,"Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!"

9/01/2005 1:13 PM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

Good jokes, Zombie.

Mrs. Portman is beautiful. The original cut of The Professional is such a great movie. She's electric in it. It shows how some actors just need the right director to shine.

9/01/2005 1:14 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Levi - It shows how some actors just need the right director to shine.

Ah ha. My whole argument.

Thomcat - Lol! love that one. I heard it so many years ago that I had forgotten about it.

Miranda - Heh. All right, I have a nose joke and it's not Jewish.

Do you know how Michael Jackson picks his nose?

Through a catalog.

Savage - Mrs S is going to be a head shredder? Ahhhhhh!
I'm never going to discuss my feelings with her again. ;)

"That Zombieslayer guy has serious issues."

9/01/2005 1:39 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

I likes me some Jewish babes, no doubt, but Natalie's stock has dropped with me thanks to Star Wars.

9/01/2005 2:16 PM  
Blogger Truman said...

Okay Slayer. You've really done it this time. Natalie Portman is unequivocaly my favorite actress and it is because of her performance in The Professional. The scene where she is crying as she goes down that brick shaft near the end of the film is one of those magic movie "moments" where you forget that these are actors portraying a sequence of events for your entertainment. Beautiful Girls is another good movie featuring a great performance by a still young Portman. Don't even get me started on Lucas' stilted, vapid and all around useless dialogue though. This is one of those posts that gets me pumped and miffed simultaneously. I need a Guiness.

9/01/2005 4:06 PM  
Blogger Mybrid said...

While you mention Natalie's "tiny" size, you have to keep in mind she's Israeli. She's not tiny by any means, but rather normal size for an Israeli gal.
So no, she's not tiny. It's just that you Americans are so freaking HUGE! :-)

Proud to be an Israeli gal, tiny and all. ;-)

9/01/2005 4:56 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Mybrid - Funny how that works. It's because of the American diet. Our high levels of protein have made us taller than other peoples. The flip side is we eat too much fat as well and we're sedentary, so we have high rates of obesity.

Truman - I liked Beautiful Girls too, even though that movie was just so wrong. Sorry Uma, but between you and Ms Portman... ;)

Jason - And for this, I blame Lucas 100%. I think it's almost universal that Lucas has made Natalie's hot meter drop significantly. That stupid fool. Those "love" scenes with Annakin were so painful to watch.

And Laura, I never answered your question. No, I've never seen Leon. I've only seen the Americanized version. :(

9/01/2005 5:06 PM  
Blogger exMI said...

Go get the Leon version. It is well wortht he purchase price. (I have to get a new one, someone stole mine in Kuwait)
As for NP, pycologist or not she can touch me with any stick she wants to.

9/01/2005 6:30 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Here's a 'reverse jewish' joke:

Why did God invent WASPS?

SOMEONE had to pay retail!

9/01/2005 7:25 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

savage: I have to say I agree with you. Look at any problem - Americans as a culture want the quick fix.

9/01/2005 7:46 PM  
Blogger SME said...

Have you seen "Garden State"? It's funny AND anti-psychiatric meds AND stars a very cute and endearing Portman.

9/02/2005 12:18 AM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

Love the Potman picture there!! She's an awesome atrist!! *me think*

9/02/2005 1:06 AM  
Blogger Shawn said...

And Garden State has a great soundtrack too...

I liked her in Closer as well. Mostly I'm just glad she's on the planet...the world is just that much nicer.

9/02/2005 1:16 AM  
Blogger dusty said...

I was going to chastise you about your fear of psychiatrists but i see several others pointed out what I was going to say..so ..in the voice of one of my favorite SNL characters of the old days,Rosanne Rosanadana(gilda radner)..never mind.. :)

9/02/2005 1:59 AM  
Blogger savage said...

She wouldn't say that and you know it!
Also, she wouldn't offer an opinion like that.  AND!  …as long as I'm typing this up…
-r
PS:
I'm sure she considers her own issues a bigger road-block in her life than anything you have ever spoken of.
(I'd probably agree with her.  You seem like a reasonably well-put-together person.)
-=-

9/02/2005 2:17 AM  
Blogger savage said...

Laura—
Yeah, we tend toward the moronic.
-r
PS:
Just as ZS said, er… suggested, we're somewhat lazy.
And 'somewhat' is also subject to that American multiply thing.
*eh*
-=-

9/02/2005 2:21 AM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I don't share your view of psychology - in fact it's one area I'm thinking about getting my second M.S. in so that I can open my own practice and do educational testing.

About Ms. Portman - I thought she looked better in the SWIII - softer. At any rate, I haven't seen her in much, but I think she's beautiful.

9/02/2005 7:34 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Natalie Portman is overrated. Her only solid performance was The Profesional. She was ridiculous in Star Wars but that's not very telling--everyone was.

9/02/2005 8:02 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

In defense of Ms Portman, put her with a decent director and she'll do great. Put her back with Luc Besson, Robert Rodriguez, or Tarantino. It was Lucas who made her look bad, but then again, he did that to everyone.

And don't worry Notta, no disrespect to you. My anger towards that profession is towards the doctors that overprescribe psychiatric drugs. But I was corrected by both Laura and Savage. I was unaware that it's psychiatrists, not psychologists, that are doing the drug pushing. God knows, I would have been put on them. If I were on them, I'd be smiling into space while doing some boring repetitive task and I would have never amounted to much. Wait, that sounds like me now. :p

And no, I have yet to see Garden State or Closer yet. :(

9/02/2005 8:35 AM  
Anonymous jesse said...

Jewish dilemma:

A free ham sandwich.

9/02/2005 10:44 PM  

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