Friday, September 30, 2005

Friday joke

It's Friday. Time for either a hot babe post or a quick joke. I think this friday will be the latter.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees a guy with an uncomfortable look standing by the bathroom door. He goes up to the bartender and says "what's with that guy?"

"Oh, he was having coughing fits and they were so bad, he was afraid he'd throw his back out again."

"Then why is he by the bathroom door?"

"I gave him a bottle of laxatives and told him to drink it."

"You gave him a bottle of laxatives for a coughing fit?"

"Yeah, it works. Look, he's now afraid to cough."


Blogger clothosfate said...

ewwww... I feel dirty just reading that one!

So do you have a book somewhere, or do you just store this stuff in your head? lol

9/30/2005 10:37 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Ha! Gross.
I have a bar joke:

So this blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog.

The blind guy is led to the middle of the bar where he proceeds to take the dog by it's leash and then twirl the dog in circles above his head.

The bartender shouts, "Hey! Hey! What are you doing to that poor dog!"

The blind man calmly states," Just having a look around."
Here's another blind guy joke my Pop told me a long time ago. Everyone has probably heard it:

So this blind guy is walking to the cross walk and this other guy is watching from the opposite side of the street.

Much to his surprise, the seeing eye dog that is leading the blind man, begins to bring the man out into traffic.

Cars are swerving right and left to avoid hitting the blind man and his dog.

When they get to the opposite side of the street unharmed, the blind man gets a doggie cookie from his coat and starts to give it to the dog.

The man who was watching the whole thing says," Are you crazy man?! Don't reward your dog! He almost got you killed!"

To which the blind man says," I'm not rewarding him, I'm looking for his face so I can kick his butt."

9/30/2005 10:49 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Clothosfate - They're stored upstairs. My father bought me several of the Truly Tasteless Jokes books in high school. I grew up before political correctness, so joke telling in school and work was commonplace back then.

Sadie - Lol! Love that first one. Heard the 2nd one before though.

Here's one more blind joke for you.

You know why Hellen Keller always wore yellow socks?

Her dog was blind too.

9/30/2005 10:54 AM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

LOL ZS, as always. Sadie's are funny too!

Here's another bar joke...

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

9/30/2005 12:24 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

awww zs - what a shitty joke ... hehe

9/30/2005 1:43 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Thom - You crack me up. Excellent pun there. :)

Bsoholic - Poor bartender. I think bartenders need to get together and form a National Bartenders Anti-Abuse and Discrimination Network and ban bartender jokes.

But while bartender jokes are still legal to tell, here's one for you. This needs to be said out loud, so if it annoys your co-workers, all the better.

A dog walks into a bar. Goes up to the bartender and orders a shot of whiskey.

"I can't serve you. You're a dog."

"Just give me a shot of whiskey."


"Come on. Here's some money. Serve me some whiskey."

"If you don't get out of this bar, I'm gonna-"

"You're gonna what?," the dog interrupts.

"I'm going to shoot you." The bartender whips out his .38 Special and shoots the dog right in the hand.

The dog grabs his hand and runs out.

Six months later, the bar doors swing open. A dog wearing all black, black leather vest, black jeans, and a big black cowboy hat with six-shooters on each hip, walks right up to the bartender, looks him in the eye, and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my Pa."

9/30/2005 2:09 PM  
Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...



9/30/2005 2:21 PM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

Hahahahah, another good one.

Here's one more

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

9/30/2005 2:30 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

I should have tried that laxative cure when I had pneumonia!

9/30/2005 4:03 PM  
Blogger snavy said...

Between you and BS I can't stop laughing!!! Thanks guys!!

9/30/2005 4:32 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

Just wait until he does cough - disgusting! :-P

9/30/2005 4:38 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

ROFL!!!!! Ohhh thanks for that picture.....really!

I bought the whole Truly Tasteless series years ago..and had heard every one of book 1 and 2 at work...I was working with engineers at the time.....

9/30/2005 8:35 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Bridget - Speaking of engineers, you heard about the engineer with social skills? He looks at your feet when he talks.

Notta - Poor guy.

Snavylyn - BS makes me laugh all the time.

Tshsmom - You know what I've always wanted to know? What's with that silent p in pneumonia?

Bsoholic - I had to ponder the punchline for a few moments, then I got it. Good joke. :)

Brownsvillegirl - Yeah, kind of was gross. But got me to laugh when I first heard it.

9/30/2005 9:20 PM  
Blogger Slade said...

HAAAA!!! I heart you, ZS!

10/01/2005 4:51 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

ZS, I think the silent p signifies that you don't need a laxative to pee your pants while coughing! ;)

10/01/2005 6:17 AM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

Okay I know I said only one more, but it's a new day, I'm bored, and starting to buzz on the beers!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Man, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him for the great food, beer, and very cheap price."

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

10/01/2005 3:18 PM  
Blogger Liquidplastic said...

Now I enjoyed your joke and the ensuing ones ... You all keep me laughing and that's a good thing in this serious ass world. Thank you!

10/01/2005 9:23 PM  
Blogger grannyanny said...

ah, i love a good bathroom joke! thanks.

10/02/2005 6:56 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Grannyanny - I wish I had more potty humor, but I'm kind of weak in that area. Feel free to share if you got some.

LP - You're very welcome. You opened my eyes to things about Mississippi that my wife will only briefly mention and refuses to go into detail.

Bsoholic - Ah ha. A good joke I haven't heard yet. Thanks.

Tshsmom - Heh. Good way of putting it. :)

Slade - I heart you too. This morning on the way to work, I was thinking of Romanian *** hookers. I'm still laughing from that story.

10/03/2005 9:47 AM  

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