Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Superpowers

I know some of you after school or work are going home and working in your labs to attempt to design a superpower for yourself. Before you waste all that time and energy, let me give you a few pointers for the superpower you're working on when the zombie plague hits.

For one, your superpower might be cool and all, but will it be useless in the war against the undead? You need to keep that in mind.

For example, being invisible would rock. Two things go against it in real life though. For one, zombies can still smell you. I don't care what brand deodorant you use. When the going gets tough, there's no way you'll be able to mask it all. In fact, you'll be worse off because you'll be depending on your deodorant to hide your smell from zombies when you should be depending on your survival skills.

Another thing about invisibility - you have to be naked. If it's sunny, you'll get sunburned in areas you don't want to get sunburned. If it's raining (Thom, this is directed especially at you), you might catch pneumonia. If it's snowing, well, you get the point.

Super strengh is nice and all, but even if you could throw a zombie a mile, another zombie might bite you in the arm while you're throwing his buddy. No good. All it takes is one bite. So forget about that super strengh concoction you're working on. It's pretty much useless in the fight against the undead.

Flight. Now, that's a power to have against the undead. Zombies are stupid for they're dead and with death, a good portion of brain matter dies. The longer they're dead, the more they've lost. So as long as you can stay in the air, all they could do is
get hit by the projectiles you rain down on them. Just don't get struck by lightning or anything while you're up there.

Shapeshift. Another cool power to have in a regular life situation, but zombies could care less if you look like Prince Charming or the Elephant Man. You're still a walking piece of meat to them.

Now don't get me wrong. If you were the one putting your paychecks into this research, I'd hate for you to abandon it entirely because of the zombie plague. With shapeshift, you will be great at boosting morale in more ways than one. For example, you'd be able to play Carol Burnett, Harvey Korman, and Tim Conway. With superstrengh, you'd be able to dig that ditch that much faster. With invisibility, well...Okay, if you're working on that one, you might as well abandon it.

If you're working on weapons, excellent. We could use more of those. Even with my friends in the postal service, we have a limited weapons cache. We could definitely use more weapons.

Finally, if you're working on the superpower to pay the bills, keep doing it, because we all have bills to pay and guns to buy so if it's superpowers that pay the bills, we'll figure out a way to put those superpowers to use.

33 Comments:

Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Darn it! I've always wanted to be invisible.
Okay, howabout if I work on being able to have fire as my superpower? Remember Drew Barrymore in Firestarter? I could be like that. I'll stare the zombies down until they burst into flame. Do you like that?

9/27/2005 10:05 AM  
Blogger dave said...

what if i had the super power of unpenetrable skin? for example, if the zombie tried to bite me, his teeth would shatter and he would be left with nothing but old rotting stinky gums.

i think that would be neat. the only sad thing about having unpenetrable skin is that i probably couldn't feel much. so i would have to give up the neat tingles i get when my girlfriend rubs my back. but i'm willing to make sacrifices for the good of mankind.

9/27/2005 10:09 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

John could have used your input for creating his new character in City of Heroes...

I think you underestimate shapeshifting... Zombies don't eat dogs or other animals according to most of the movies I've seen.

I think teleportation would be the way to go...

9/27/2005 10:44 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Sadie - That would rock! It would kill two birds with one stone. For one, you'd save us ammunition. For another, you'd take care of the problem of disposing dead zombie corpses.

Dave - the only sad thing about having unpenetrable skin is that i probably couldn't feel much. so i would have to give up the neat tingles i get when my girlfriend rubs my back. but i'm willing to make sacrifices for the good of mankind.

A true hero, my friend. And this is coming from someone who is just about to be married.

Laura - Don't underestimate the olfactory senses of zombies. To us, you would look like a dog or a cat. But they still smell human.

Teleportation on the other hand could be very useful. You could divert the zombies and teleport back to safety, giving us the extra minutes to hone down on their positions and let them have it.

By the way, City of Heroes is one of those games that tempts me to go to the darkside (owning a Windows machine).

9/27/2005 10:53 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

well, as the great Beavis said (many times in fact), "Fire, Fire" ... that would be a good weapon or superpower against them zombies ... oh , and i did some research on zombies ... they cannot dance like what we all saw in the 80's ... that was fake ... phew !

9/27/2005 10:55 AM  
Blogger Shawn said...

I would probably just want some basic added quickness. Quick reflexes are important when fighting undead hordes.

I would suggest caution to anyone working on super powers in a lab though. It's common knowledge that there's usually a terrible accident or explosion that botches things up and leads to unexpected consequences.

Laura - Also in one of episode of One of the Greatest Repositories of Knowledge of Crazed Zombies Created By Science Gone Awry (aka Resident Evil), there are crazed zombie dogs...so, I wouldn't trust that one.

ZS - To back up the super strength thing, just look to The Greatest Repository of Knowledge of the Undead (aka Buffy the Vampire Slayer) to find that super strength is really only good against Vampires and some demons. Zombies are nothing if not single minded and they don't fight with honor. Plus they don't feel pain.

I think you're right about flight. That would be a good one, but you might as well just invest in an anti-gravity belt or two. That way others in the compound can take shifts doing the aerial bombarding.

Sadie - Fire would be awesome. Just be careful it's not like Drew's where it was tied to her emotions. You don't want to torch the compound in the heat of battle. If you perfect the research, be sure to send it around.

9/27/2005 11:30 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Sadie - Fire would be awesome. Just be careful it's not like Drew's where it was tied to her emotions. You don't want to torch the compound in the heat of battle. If you perfect the research, be sure to send it around.

Done.
That's so true about the emotions thing. I'll get to work on a filter that prevents me from making a hasty descion to torch someone or something off the cuff.
Me thinks Shawn reminded me so that I would not set fire to his backside when he wasn't looking.
;)
Zombie, you should do a post on what our compound will look like and what we should all be storing away for the stockpile. I'm getting nervous.
I know I'll be bringing my crockpot. That way the compound will have yummy food smells while we are out fighting.

9/27/2005 12:05 PM  
Blogger Moni said...

Yeah I want to work on the superpower to pay the bills...very nice! While I'm at it, maybe I could use some of that power to pay my own bills. ;)

Btw- Where is this zombie compound going to be geographically? Some one should work on Logistics. And what if the government makes a super race of zombies that are impervious to any of our weapons...Huh?...Huh? ;D

9/27/2005 12:34 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Moni - Probably Montana. Won't be in California because I simply don't have enough bullets for when the dead will walk.

As for super-zombies, that is a concern. Maybe that's why the gov't is trying to ban high-caliber rifles, because they're the only things that can stop their super-zombies. A scary thought, indeed.

Sadie - A crock pot is a separate art form. Mine has worked magic before, and there was a time once when I was in such a hurry I forgot to add spices. That was awful.

As for the blueprints, those are still at least a year away. I have rough, hand-drawn ones with my chicken scratches. I'd rather not show those though.

Shawn - super strength is really only good against Vampires and some demons.

I'm glad you understand this. I've talked to too many people who wanted to devote (waste) their time to make a super-strengh potion.

Quickness would be nice. Yes.

Thom - Yes, Return of the Living Dead had me worried until I found out it was a comedy. What a relief that was.

9/27/2005 1:18 PM  
Blogger sygyzy said...

I think the lesson here is not all superpowers are blessings. For example: Dave has the power of attracting hordes of women. But as we all know, there are women zombies too.

9/27/2005 1:55 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

I've always wanted to fly and worse, am continuously disappointed in my inability to do so.

It is a signal failure on my part.

Want to be like those witches in Charmed. Fireballs and all...Bridg

p.s. Thom put some clothes on!

9/27/2005 3:07 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

I would like the ability to make Taco Bell appear upon command. Fresh and hot burritos for all.

Let me know if this fits into the plan for world domination.

9/27/2005 3:34 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I'm thinking back to when I watched Super Friends on Saturday mornings and I very much wanted to be a wonder twin so I could turn into anything I wanted. Only, I would choose to turn into useful things. :-P

9/27/2005 5:06 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Notta - I think they were limited to animals for the sister and some form of water for the brother. I'll have to ask Levi. He's the resident expert in DC Comic superheroes. Levi?

Kris - Heh. I used to love Taco Bell's food until I worked there. I won't say anything more.

Bridget - Thom testing his invisibility potion again? I guess it's not working if you see him.

As for Charmed, don't repeat this, but when Mrs. Z watches charmed, I conveniently pretend to snuggle up with her and secretly watch it.

Sygyzy - The downside of being pimp, huh? Come the zombie plague, he's going to attract infected ones too.

9/27/2005 5:53 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Zomb--WHEN??? What channel? Can't find it anymore and am going nuts looking for it!!!

Bridg

p.s. excellent taste there, ZS!

9/27/2005 6:46 PM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

What about Ninja powers? Could be cool, more likely I should just keep building my zombie killing robot. It still needs more work though, it seems to kill none zombies too. I might of gone to far, I believe the robot has become self aware. We are doomed.

9/27/2005 7:06 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Bridget - This was awhile back. We haven't had access to cable for over two years now. I think TBS was showing it. I'm sure some stations carry it. Not sure about Canada though.

Bsoholic - Please tell us you have an emergency self-destruct mechanism programmed into your robot. Always remember to put a self-destruct mechanism in your robots, because this stuff always happens. :(

9/27/2005 7:10 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

Ummm..why do you have to be naked to be invisible? I wasn't aware of that stipulation. 'Cause I've almost got my invisible potion perfected you know...

9/28/2005 5:21 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Yeah, you could have the superpower to be invisible AND the ability to invent invisible clothing like the stuff they have in Japan now that's like the Predator. The zombies would still smell you though, as ZS has pointed out...

9/28/2005 7:24 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Kris - Heh. I used to love Taco Bell's food until I worked there. I won't say anything more.

Ugh.
I like Taco Bell on occasion. I just don't like Taco Bell Burps.
Have you noticed that you burp Taco Bell until like hours after you eat it? Gross.

9/28/2005 7:44 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

I'll go with super strength, but the kind that comes with inpenetrable skin. Superman can stop a bullet; surely his skin can stop a zombie bite.

9/28/2005 8:51 AM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

can you see me now ?


AAAAACHOOOO !!!!

sniff sniff

9/28/2005 9:10 AM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

I've always wanted the powers of Spiderman. To wish for the powers of Superman seems greedy but Spiderman fits the bill nicely.

There's no way a Zombie could get you because you could just swing away or snare them with your webbing. Also my spider sense would tell me a Zombie was sneaking up on me. And I'd be really strong and atheletic so good luck catching me.

This is a bit off-topic but does anyone ever wonder why Spiderman never tried his hand at a sport to make some cash. He lives in New York, why not show up for The Knick's training camp? Can you imagine trying to stop Spiderman from driving through the lane and throwing down a vicious dunk? He'd be the next Michael Jordan. Spidey needs to forget the pizza delivery and photography job.

9/28/2005 9:36 AM  
Anonymous Michele said...

I think I'd like a PC power that didn't really hurt my enemies, but just made them back down. Like wouldn't it be nice to be able suddenly give people lower back pain, or a bad headache? Maybe make them feel super self-conscience or worried?

9/28/2005 9:48 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Zombie disolving farts and a magical bean can dispenser. :-D

9/28/2005 9:55 AM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Super zombies already exist.

Wait, I've said too much already...

9/28/2005 10:48 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

ZL - Yup. That's why we're currently working on these powers. Us humans need a chance.

Chris - I'd hate to know the side effects.

Michele - My wife and I were joking about a power called "diarrhea now!" You just say it and the person has instant diarrhea. Job interview's going sour and you know you're not going to get the job anyways - "diarrhea now!" You're minding your own business in the right lane and someone's driving three inches from your bumper - "diarrhea now!"

Nobody dies, nobody gets hurt. Perfect power. Useless against zombies though. They already smell bad and don't mind.

Levi - Spiderman's not supposed to use his powers for greed. That's what separates the good guys from the bad guys. It would be like the Flash returning kick-offs. It would be a joke. Nobody could tackle him because even Deion Sanders can't catch him.

As for his powers against zombies, yes, his spider sense would prevent him from evasion. However during an all-out plague, it would be tingling so much that it would drive him nuts. He'd end up getting addicted to sleeping pills to get some decent shut-eye. Poor guy.

Thom - See. Wrong place for invisibility. Would be great for Santa Barbara, but just be sure to wear lots of sunscreen.

Scott - As Dave pointed out, would be great against zombies, but your love life would diminish to nothing. If that's okay with you...

Sadie - My stomach reminds me I've eaten Taco Bell days after my breath has recovered from Taco Bell.

Mel - Laura's right. Give the Japanese some time though and sooner than later, you wouldn't have to be naked when using your invisibility potion. Now if we can only find a way to make us smell like plants. I've heard there's a secret research lab in South Korea making some highly potent kim chee. Eating that + invisibility = walking cabbage to a zombie. I'll keep you posted when I hear more.

9/28/2005 11:56 AM  
Blogger Vest said...

This is Arney and Medieval wizardry coupled with halllucinations and mind bending 'Lady Hawk' stuff. In the morning I am pleased to be back in the real world, like after last nights weird attacks on my brain cells; fuelled by an excessive consumption of J W Red label. today is earmarked to be a pleasing day with Tamara and Jacinta; two of my beautiful granddaughters.

9/28/2005 1:37 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Oh, and Spidey on the web... not a good power to have against zombies... think "Pinata"...

9/28/2005 1:43 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

walking cabbage made me laugh hard

9/28/2005 1:51 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Vest - Johnny Walker, huh? I'm a rum man myself, although my investment partner has gotten me to having a liking to martinis. Have fun with the grand kids. Hopefully they won't be too loud today. ;)

ZL - Does he get stuck in his own webs? I'd imagine with his spider strengh, he could tear right through them.

Laura - During testing phase, blindfolded zombies couldn't find the subjects. However, one in six subjects spontaneously combusted hours later by the gas created when digesting the super kim chee. They're working on that side effect and for some strange reason, they're not getting too many applicants for test subjects for round two.

9/28/2005 2:32 PM  
Blogger Liquidplastic said...

Zombie you made my night. This post generated some very comical comments that made me laugh so hard I farted! yes, the old one let out a big one. Thank you .. I needed that.

That said, I would want the power of Storm, to be able to control the weather would be a wonderful thing.

Everytime Bush pissed me off, I would send a tornado to wherever he was hiding, loaded with cow shit .. and just take a dump right on top of his head!

9/29/2005 12:39 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

LP - Storm's hot. I wish they would give her a decent role in the X-Men movies, because Halle Berry had small roles in both. I forgot all about her. My wife is the comic book reader, not me. That would be an awesome power to have.

By the way, always happy to make someone laugh, but I don't think I've ever generated a fart. That's a first for me. :)

9/29/2005 11:22 AM  

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