When I grow up

I've decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be the Minister of Immigration and Tourism. I want full authority of who we let in this country, whether to apply as an immigrant or even coming in as a tourist.

I know a lot of people complain about obnoxious Americans. Well, now this obnoxious American will complain about foreigners coming to America and being dumb.

First, I'll search their bags. If I find Michael Bolton, Cher, or David Hosselhof either in their CD case or on their iPod, gone. No all you foreigners out there. That's not good music. You need to learn what good music is. I'm not forcing everyone to like what I like, but you just can't bring that stuff in.

And I know those three are American. Americans don't buy that stuff though. It's all you foreigners.

The other thing I will check their bags for. If a guy has either Speedos or capris, nope. You can't come to America. You'll be banned from entering this country for 365 days. Whenever I see a guy on the beach with Speedos, I know right off it's a foreigner.

You want to hear another one of my pet peeves? It's the overuse of words. I know English is not an easy language to learn, but still, you need to not say the same words over and over.

I will ask the potential immigrant or tourist to explain something. If he starts the sentence with "basically," gone. Nothing worse than hearing foreigners saying the word "basically" over and over. I'm starting to hate that word now. The word was fine until foreigners got a hold of it.

Stinkiness. I know it's a long flight, so I'll let it pass. But if one of my spies reports a foreigner walking downtown and smelling like a European, we send a team to round them up and send them packing.

We don't have a water shortage problem here in America like they do in their countries. We take showers and wash our clothes. It's one thing to stink after a hard day's work. That's excuseable. But when I go out to a nice restaurant and smell the guy a table away, I know it's a foreigner.

Foreigners need to understand there's a time to stink and a time not to stink. What they don't understand is there's a time not to stink. They just think it's okay to stink all the time.

Camping. Doing manual labor. Playing sports. That's stinky time.

Shopping. Eating in a nice restaurant. Going on a date. No stink time.

Also, I get one try to pronounce your name. If I can't pronounce it after one try, gone. You can come back later, but make sure you change your name to something I can pronounce. It's like the two Bobs from Office Space. "Naga...Naga...not going to work here anymore."

Bad breath. That's another thing Europeans are notorious for. Do you not have toothpaste and dental floss there? I'll have the incoming dude or chick breathe on one of the interns. If the intern flinches, we give them a toothbrush and dental floss and send them packing. Why are we so nice to provide them with those necessities? Because as good, honest Americans, we have to set an example for the rest of the world.

If they make it through that initial screening, then they're welcome as a tourist. As an immigrant though, they'll still have more tests to take. But that's another post for another day.

I know what you're thinking. I'm too generous. I'd let too many tourists in. You know I have C.R.S. What did I forget this time?