Wednesday, September 21, 2005

When I grow up

I've decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be the Minister of Immigration and Tourism. I want full authority of who we let in this country, whether to apply as an immigrant or even coming in as a tourist.

I know a lot of people complain about obnoxious Americans. Well, now this obnoxious American will complain about foreigners coming to America and being dumb.

First, I'll search their bags. If I find Michael Bolton, Cher, or David Hosselhof either in their CD case or on their iPod, gone. No all you foreigners out there. That's not good music. You need to learn what good music is. I'm not forcing everyone to like what I like, but you just can't bring that stuff in.

And I know those three are American. Americans don't buy that stuff though. It's all you foreigners.

The other thing I will check their bags for. If a guy has either Speedos or capris, nope. You can't come to America. You'll be banned from entering this country for 365 days. Whenever I see a guy on the beach with Speedos, I know right off it's a foreigner.

You want to hear another one of my pet peeves? It's the overuse of words. I know English is not an easy language to learn, but still, you need to not say the same words over and over.

I will ask the potential immigrant or tourist to explain something. If he starts the sentence with "basically," gone. Nothing worse than hearing foreigners saying the word "basically" over and over. I'm starting to hate that word now. The word was fine until foreigners got a hold of it.

Stinkiness. I know it's a long flight, so I'll let it pass. But if one of my spies reports a foreigner walking downtown and smelling like a European, we send a team to round them up and send them packing.

We don't have a water shortage problem here in America like they do in their countries. We take showers and wash our clothes. It's one thing to stink after a hard day's work. That's excuseable. But when I go out to a nice restaurant and smell the guy a table away, I know it's a foreigner.

Foreigners need to understand there's a time to stink and a time not to stink. What they don't understand is there's a time not to stink. They just think it's okay to stink all the time.

Camping. Doing manual labor. Playing sports. That's stinky time.

Shopping. Eating in a nice restaurant. Going on a date. No stink time.

Also, I get one try to pronounce your name. If I can't pronounce it after one try, gone. You can come back later, but make sure you change your name to something I can pronounce. It's like the two Bobs from Office Space. "Naga...Naga...not going to work here anymore."

Bad breath. That's another thing Europeans are notorious for. Do you not have toothpaste and dental floss there? I'll have the incoming dude or chick breathe on one of the interns. If the intern flinches, we give them a toothbrush and dental floss and send them packing. Why are we so nice to provide them with those necessities? Because as good, honest Americans, we have to set an example for the rest of the world.

If they make it through that initial screening, then they're welcome as a tourist. As an immigrant though, they'll still have more tests to take. But that's another post for another day.

I know what you're thinking. I'm too generous. I'd let too many tourists in. You know I have C.R.S. What did I forget this time?


Blogger Laura said...

Basically, I think that would make this place a lot less interesting to live in. I mean, you're basically taking away everyone I already make fun of... THat's basically all I have to say about that. ;))

9/21/2005 4:35 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I've never been to a different country since I don't count Canada as a different country. :-P I am not sure what you might have missed.

9/21/2005 5:04 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

lord have mercy ZS it is quite apparent you are not anywhere near grown up yet..your narrow view of the world makes it obvious..quite a few americans have the same traits you seem to despise in what you call"foreigners". And I hate to bust you bubble but we do have a water shortage here in cali, anyway...northern and central cali plus the colorado river make life in southern cali possible..without either the south would be a desert..and unlivable. I am hoping this post is a "TONGUE IN CHEEK" post..say it is..please.. :)

9/21/2005 5:34 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Dusty - You've been here long enough to know that I can't do three straight serious posts. ;)

Notta - No, Canada's not a foreign country. You're just Americans with health care who say "eh?" after every other sentence and have nudity on regular TV. :)

Laura - Hmm...good point. How fun would it be to have nobody to make fun of? :p

Maybe I should do something else when I grow up.

9/21/2005 5:51 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

You forgot one thing:
No Zombies allowed!

*Grin* But I enjoyed your post. Had me laughing.

9/21/2005 5:54 PM  
Blogger tenxinchoden said...

"I know a lot of people complain about obnoxious Americans. Well, now this obnoxious American will complain about foreigners coming to America and being dumb." Well i guess we are only HUMAN!

cool thooooughts

9/21/2005 7:51 PM  
Blogger United We Lay said...

We have relatives who have been trying to visit for about 2 years now. I can't believe how difficult they are to get. The whole "American" side of my family had to write letters on their behalf and it's still iffy.

9/21/2005 8:03 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

ROFL hey I like those import restrictions.

But be warned, Brits might fail most of them too....

9/21/2005 8:43 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Bridget - Glad I got you to laugh. I owe you a few laughs, because lately, you've got me to laugh a lot.

PC - That's weird. I had no idea it was that hard just to visit here. I hope you realize that this post was a joke. I tried to be so over the top that it was obvious.

TC - Wish you could visit here. You'd love it, being landlocked and all.

Miranda - Good to hear. You needed a good laugh from what you just went through. And of course, glad you survived that evil chair incident. :)

9/21/2005 9:30 PM  
Blogger Liquidplastic said...

Zombie I live in Sugarland Texas, and we are going to have to stick Rita out ... it's a big decision, but we have a safe area. If the roof comes of we will leave, but right now with 1.3 millions on the freeways for mandatory evacuation, well ... your guess is as good as mines.

9/21/2005 9:35 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

I'm beginning to think Miranda is anti-zombietic ;o)

Hmmm... you forgot Celine Dion on the ipod, and wearing brown shoes with black pants (very Euro).

9/21/2005 11:21 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Hhaha! This post was too cute!

9/22/2005 12:24 AM  
Blogger dusty said...

ZS you crazy fool..i figured it was lighthearted dear man..but had to make sure :)

9/22/2005 2:33 AM  
Blogger Angelique said...

Zombie, anyone who wears a speedo was not born in America. My sister's soon to be ex-husband, who is from Latin America, wore speedos once to the beach and I about died from laughing. I kept making excuses on why I was giggling but I broke down and told him that it's because he looked like a dumbass and a little gay. He didn't understand and to this day my brother-in-law still wears those damn speedos. My sister escaped just in time but seriously only Chippendale dancers can wear speedos (with a little tie) successfully and be considered sexy and he was no Chippendale dancer but at least he got the memo about no BO thankfully.

9/22/2005 4:13 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Slayer, I SUCK at reveiws. I mean REALLY suck. Here's how it usually goes, "I like it" or, "I don't like it." I'm a Jenius, remember?

And then you're asking about The Mars Volta?! Sheesh.

But, I'll throw something together just for you!

9/22/2005 4:33 AM  
Blogger Vest said...

Sporty 18 stone boneheads use the following words to punctuate their three word sentences during interviews, dunno, you know,basicly, waall, jeeze, sort of, especially English soccer players.

9/22/2005 5:36 AM  
Blogger Liquidplastic said...

OK .. I got a chance to read the post ... and I am laughing! I am scare of Rita, but still, your post gives me a little distraction, thank you. Now back to the television.

9/22/2005 6:26 AM  
Blogger Bo Salisbury said...

Basically... oh, crap, I blew it already! Can I get back in line and try to get past the screeners one more time?

9/22/2005 6:58 AM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

LOL good one ZS! You tell em!

9/22/2005 8:29 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Camping. Doing manual labor. Playing sports. That's stinky time.

Shopping. Eating in a nice restaurant. Going on a date. No stink time.

I was having a dismal morning until Dan bought be flowers and I read this post.
Thanks man.

9/22/2005 8:34 AM  
Blogger United We Lay said...

I actually did get the joke. It's only difficult for people from SOME countries to visit here. What's wrong with the Mars Volta?

9/22/2005 8:54 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

PC - Jenn just bought the new Mars Volta album and I heard one track off of it and was amazed. So I asked her for a review.

Sadie - Glad I could cheer you up. Your latest post sounded like you were overwhelmed.

Bsoholic - I owe you and Thom a few laughs too.

Bo - Yes, but now you'll have to wait 365 days.

LP - Wishing you best. We were all right for the one in '94, but knew a lot of folks who lost everything. That was when the local river flooded and caught on fire. I think my folks will be fine for where they live, they dug 16' drainage ditches behind the houses and have a good system for getting rid of the water. They're far enough away that the winds won't do any damage, but the floods will still destroy houses.

Vest - Loved your post about that one rugby team. Maybe you ought to do an English soccer player post.

Jenn - Looking forward to it.

Angelique - Well, at least he got that memo. You might have to tell your sister to buy him some American swim trunks though.

Dusty - I'm a big fan of comedians like Mel Brooks, Larry David, Dave Chapelle, and early Eddie Murphy. Their humor is very over the top and unPC. They've always tried to push the boundaries of what is funny.

Larry David is the exception. He's a style of humor where you don't really laugh at the show, but laugh several hours after watching an episode and you can't stop talking about it for the next few days. He's the one who made Seinfeld so funny.

So don't feel bad. Sometimes my humor takes a while to get.

Jenn - Thanks.

ZL - Ah, I forgot about Celine Dion and brown shoes w/black pants. See, I told you I forgot something.

LP - Houston traffic sucks already. With that many people evacuating...

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tonight. I'm really hoping it misses the Houston area.

9/22/2005 9:23 AM  
Blogger Miranda said...

It's all the fault of my Chair of Death. It's making me anti-scary things.

9/22/2005 10:21 AM  
Blogger Shawn said...

Thanks for the chuckle ZS...I may cut it out and put it on my it out I suppose...

Now I can bust that out on any European friends I might run into.

Liquidplastic - I hope everything turns out okay for you and the storm doesn't cause you any harm.

9/22/2005 1:11 PM  
Blogger SME said...

I would ban tourists with cameras. "If you want to come in, you'd better have a dang good memory!"

9/22/2005 4:09 PM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

Zombie, you've inpired me.

9/22/2005 4:10 PM  
Blogger Vest said...

Speedos's have gone out of fashion here in Oz too too. The last MET Sydney Operation was outsourced to H/K in 1986.
I still have two pairs in my odd sox & jocks drawer. Socks were shoved down the front to enhance one's masculinity; like the Afro's who wore long loin cloths, it's sad that it does not work for me any more, the Sheila's take one look at me and realize that, my engine is knackered and it's crankshaft stuffed and in need of oil. what I really need is my brain to tranplanted into a new 20 year old Male body, However, It is still rewarding to gaze at the menu, even when on a diet. BASICALLY, HI JENN.

9/23/2005 2:39 AM  
Blogger Vest said...

Bridget, I remember dis-Stinkly that Large religeous Irish families shared the same weekly bath water, and I read recently this practice is common in parts of rural Ireland.
I am Brit/Australian by choice,and my Hovel on the beaut/cent coast of NSW OZ has a Bath 2 showers 3 dunnys,I shower at least once a year, sorry I mean't once per day. At my horrible boarding school in England umpteen years ago, us students were forcibly showered daily en-masse 40 at a time in a huge shower room; using hard yellow laundry soap.
ZS I believe what you are smelling are those zombies, they do tend to chuck up a fair bit after a while in their tombs.

9/23/2005 5:29 PM  
Anonymous Michele said...

Don't let people say, "It's not rocket science", either. When people say that they always have a smug look on their face that I don't like.
Great post.

9/24/2005 8:39 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Michele - Yeah, don't like condescending tones, because they accomplish nothing other than to make me mad. Nobody learns anything from people being condescending.

Vest - Speedos's have gone out of fashion here in Oz too too.

So it's not Aussie's to blame then. ;)

I wouldn't mind having a 20-year-old body either. Money that should be spent on better things is now spent on chiropractoros.

Levi - I love it!

SME - I'd definitely limit how much they could spend on camera equipment. I'll put you on the committee in charge of that.

Shawn - Awesome. Make sure you stick it on the fridge with a Packers magnet. ;)

Miranda - The fact you survived the chair of death without losing any hit points is a good thing.

9/24/2005 3:09 PM  

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