Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Third Amendment

Living in America, Act IV

Character list:
Rusty Lederhosen
Col. 'Bat' Guano
Spotti Lederhosen

(knock on the door)

Rusty - Who is it?

Col. Guano - Colonel Bat Guano, 23rd Division and his troops.

Rusty - (opens the door) What do you want at his late hour?

Col. Guano - We hear you have an extra room and I'm going to have to use it to quarter my soldiers.

Rusty - We have some personal stuff in that room and I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline.

Col. Guano - This is not a request, but an order.

Rusty - Read this. (whips out his copy of the U.S. Constitution and points to Amendment III).

Col. Guano - (reads out loud) No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Rusty - Well?

Col. Guano - (red in the face). I'll be damned. Well, Sir, you have my deepest apologies.

Rusty - (smiles and shakes his hand) No problem. Hey Colonel, you see that pink house?

Col. Guano - Yeah?

Rusty - Well, that's Larry Schmuckmeister's house. He has two extra rooms and a big screen TV and no knowledge of the Constitution.

Col. Guano - Sir, a sincere thanks from me and my troops. (Turns to his soldiers). Let's go to the pink house!

(exit Col. Guano and his troops)

Spotti - (enters in a nightgown and night cap). Rusty? Who was that?

Rusty - (gives his wife a peck on the cheek). Oh, just some soldiers who wanted to use our spare room.

Spotti - You mentioned the Third Amendment, right?

Rusty - Of course, babe!


Blogger clothosfate said...


You are well armed my friend! The arsenal of knowledge is a well equipped defense system indeed.

I wish that there were many, many more like you, but then again where would the government and soldiers be without the "Schmuckmeister's" of the world?

9/22/2005 9:42 AM  
Blogger Miranda said...

*Laugh* I can just see the special effect sparkle in Rusty's eye.

9/22/2005 10:19 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Or you can look at it the way its defined in the patriot act...

Col Guano: We are at war, a global war on terror.

Home Owner: Yeah, but a method as prescribed by law.

Col Guano: Those laws are "classified" (grabs the constitution and burns it).

Home Owner: This is against the constitution!

Col. Guano: Only terrorists would not want us in their house. Are you a terrorist?


9/22/2005 10:44 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Bat Guano? A fan of Stanley Kubrick I see...

My question is what is the "to be prescribed by law"? I would love to know what it says on the books about this... Chris beat me to the punch on what I was about to say...

9/22/2005 11:00 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Clothosfate - Lost. ;)

Miranda - I want Ferris Bueller to play Rusty Lederhosen.

Chris - Would be nice if the Supreme Court would do their job and throw out Unconstitutional laws instead of sitting around and stroking each other's egos. This current crop is just awful.

Laura - You win the prize. I loved that movie. Saw it in film class. Nothing like seeing Slim Pickens ride the bomb down on the big screen.

"Gentlemen! You can't fight here, it's the War Room!"

9/22/2005 11:49 AM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

LMAO! I alwasy whip out my copy of the constitution when soldiers knock on my door! Good thinking Rusty.

9/22/2005 1:16 PM  
Blogger Thomcat said...

dang, i feel like the guy in the pink house ... just last week, some soldiers came by my house .....

9/22/2005 1:39 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I've always wondered what bat guano is, especially after playing Kingdom of Loathing. Is that where you got it from?

9/22/2005 4:08 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Notta - Laura got it right. It was from a Stanley Kubrick movie called Dr. Strangelove in which Peter Sellers played three parts, including President of the United States and an insane ex-Nazi evil scientist in a wheelchair whose left arm grew its own brain.

Bat guano is bat feces and is an ingredient in both fertilizer and some types of fuel.

Thom - You should print out a copy of the Constitution and keep it in your jacket. That way when someone wants to violate one of your Rights, you just whip it out and show it to them and it will all be good.

Bsoholic - All right. You and Rusty will get along great.

Laura - I never answered your question. I don't know, for I've never heard of a case of the Third Amendment being challenged.

9/22/2005 4:40 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

But what about those old Bugs Bunny cartoons where Bugs would dress up as a confederate soldier and knock on Yosemite's door and Yosemite would exclaim "Why, it's one of our boys!" and give him shelter?

Oh wait, they don't show those anymore, because they aren't PC. I'm getting old...

9/22/2005 8:17 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

ZL - It's all about permissions. Yosemite Sam invited him in, so it's all good.

9/22/2005 8:28 PM  
Blogger J. Jason Groschopf said...

I think you're some kind of deviated pre-vert.

I think General Ripper found out about your prevertion, and you were organizing some kind of mutiny of pre-verts.

9/22/2005 10:40 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

J. Jason - Just don't tell anyone. I was part of the conspiracy to contaminate his precious bodily fluids.

9/22/2005 10:43 PM  
Anonymous Jesse said...

We'll meet again
Don't know how
Don't know when
But you know we'll meet again
One sunnnyyy dayyy.

Zombie--You have to read Locke's Second Treatise on Government. Excellent context for the discussion at hand. Just finishing the part about Tyranny and Dissolution of Government.

Oh, and when is adobo night at Dave's?? Someone's gotta light a fire.

One last thing...

These Katrina goings-on are a problem. Major disasters (like finger-of-God hurricanes and terrorist attacks) have a way of providing context for the expansion of the power of the federal gov't at the expense of the states and the people.
And the stink of it is, it is the PEOPLE who are demanding that FEMA and the Federal gov't take more responsibility for these sort of incidents instead of taking responsibility themselves.
Meanwhile the executive branch is growing out of control with all of these federal agencies that do all kinds of wonderful things that are none of the federal gov't's business anyway.
Granted FEMA has a role in protecting the lives and property of the people (the ONLY proper function of government).

I can't help but have a problem with:
1. Federal troops policing American soil.
2. The Fedaral gov't acting as a giant insurance company.

"The beginning of the end of the Republic was when the rabble in the streets realized that they did not have to plant grain in the Spring to reap it in the Fall, but that they merely had to vote themselves a portion from the local granary." -Cicero.

9/22/2005 11:45 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

"Yosemite Sam invited him in so it's all good"

The same is true for vampires... hmmm a connection? ;-)

9/23/2005 4:44 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Laura - The same is true for vampires... hmmm a connection? ;-)

Hmmm...didn't think of it that way.

Jesse - I can't help but have a problem with:
1. Federal troops policing American soil.
2. The Fedaral gov't acting as a giant insurance company.

Very good points. Although their intentions might be good now, what if someone evil takes power. We need to remember that everything the Weimar Republic did was with the best of intentions, and we all see where that led.

I haven't given that enough thought.

As for Adobo night, Dave, are you reading this?

9/23/2005 9:21 AM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

I hate when the army tries to quater itself in my house. Thank God for the third ammendment.

9/23/2005 9:40 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Creative and edifying as usual Zombie.

9/23/2005 11:05 AM  
Blogger dusty said...

now i LOVED this post ZS! and very enlightening as well..i had no clue about the third amendment..your a peach dear man..oh..and thanks for the offer of shelter for me and my pets when the zombie plague comes have no idea how it made me feel so good since you and I very rarely agree on anything! :)

9/23/2005 5:43 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Dusty - I'm a huge animal lover. My first dog was one of my closest friends I've ever had. She knew exactly what I was feeling and I'm not kidding either. She and I both had a fear of lightning and when a lightning storm will come (there were a lot in Texas), I would sleep downstairs with her so both of us could get some shuteye. Telling someone they cannot take their pets with them and will have to let them die is a crime.

Scott - Thanks.

Levi - I'm still laughing at the movie theatre part of your latest piece. Thanks for the shout out.

9/23/2005 6:33 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

ROFL Oh man how direct to the point!! As usual, very well said!!!

Miranda's right, I can see that sparkle too....Bridg

9/23/2005 9:00 PM  
Blogger Liquidplastic said...

Now Zombie .. this is indeed profound. You can't make it more simplier then this. This is by far the easiest way to learn about the Constitution and the Bill of Rights ... You know what, and this is just a thought, you should pen all this to a book. There are so many students who could used this raw and simple way to teaching about our rights.

Chris you hit the nail on the head ...

And my family and I thank you all for your prayers, it would seem we have survived our survival.

9/24/2005 9:07 AM  
Anonymous v--- said...

An English lady with a lisp had spent the night with her ski instructor.
"I'm Thor" stated he Introducing himself.
I'm Thor too say's the lady.
"I'm that Thor I can hardly Pith.

9/25/2005 3:41 AM  
Blogger Moni said...

This is the "Zombie" screen play with an underlying political theme then? Wow! very good. Thanks for the sneak peak. :)

9/25/2005 11:12 AM  
Anonymous ...- . ... - said...

A Cop pulls over a guy for speeding, the Cop then tells the guy that he had booked 99 people on his shift and to really make it an impressionable 100,he would not book him if provided an excuse never heard before.
The Guy explained that, a Cop had recently run off with his wife and I thought it was you who was bringing her back.

9/25/2005 7:29 PM  

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