Sunday, July 17, 2005

American jokes

As promised, here are my American jokes. I heard all of them from one guy, a German intern we used to have. I'll call him Herman.

Herman's a super nice guy. But like a typical European, he's an unrealistic pacifist. He has an irrational fear of firearms (so I was unable to take him to the shooting range). At least he takes showers though. Nothing worse than a smelly European.

Because of his overly pacifism, he could never be the soccer player he could have been. He passes to someone else so they could flub the shot rather than taking the shot himself. It's because he's too nice. He would rather his buddy score than himself. That's fine and all, but if your buddy's a spaz, take the dang shot yourself and score one for the team instead of being a nice guy.

His other weakness is that he's whipped, really bad. He got offended when I said he picked the wrong sister to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend's Vietnamese. She can't cook anything but top ramen. Her sister however supposebly makes wonderful pho. Now, the choice in my book is obvious. I don't care if his girlfriend's a ten and her sister's only a six. I'd take the one who could make pho. Priorities, Herman.

Not only that, at the time, we were in Santa Barbara, the town of hot chicks. His girlfriend was in Germany. We'd be walking down State Street, see a gaggle of hot chicks, and he'd look the other way. I'd say, "Herman, what are you doing?"

"That's cheating."

"Huh? I'm married and I'll still look. What's wrong with you, Herman?"

Geez. Wacko Germans.

Anyways, here they are, brought to you by Herman the German intern - American jokes.

Two Americans are in Switzerland waiting at the bus stop. A guy comes up to them and says "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"

The two Americans just look at him.

"Lei parla l'italiano?"

The two Americans just look at him.

¿Hablan ustedes español?

The two Americans just look at him.

Parlez-vous le français?

The two Americans just look at him.

Finally, the guy gets frustrated and takes off. After he leaves, one of the Americans turns to the other. "Do you think we should learn a foreign language?"


"Why not?"

"Well, look at that guy. He spoke four and look what good it did him!"

Here's another. Do you know how you spot the American?
He's the fat guy asking for directions.

And finally...
You know what you call someone who speaks two languages?

Do you know what you call someone who speaks three languages?

Do you know what you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.

Ha ha. Stupid Herman. The whole world should speak American English anyways. ;)
If you know any American jokes, please send 'em. If you got offended, unfortunately, I lost touch with Herman so I can't send his address so you can't track him down and kick his ***. If you do catch him, don't worry, he's a pacifist so he won't hit back. And if Herman happens to be reading this, I still stand by what I said that you're dating the wrong sister. Hope you didn't marry that non-cooking chick. No wonder you're so skinny.

Oh, one more thing Herman, my cousin said you had beautiful eyes. You're too late though, she just got married recently. And yes, she's a heck of a cook.


Anonymous Michele said...

My dad (the recovering functional alchoholic) spoke Spanish as a child, but worked really hard to learn excellent English, and didn't teach us kids Spanish. I'm learning it now.
I used to think Americans were stupid to have one language, and we were behind the Euros who are all bilingual. But, when studying the demise of the Indians, I learned one of the reasons they were so easily conqured and controlled was that they spoke so many languages that unity and, obviously communication was difficult. Something to consider; Remember the biblical tower of Babel.
Yes, cooking women are the best catch. Just like hard-working men. I always tell my daughters, "Don't look for a rich man, but one that works hard. Riches can be squandered, but a good work ethic can't."

7/17/2005 3:23 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

ZS, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't YOU do the cooking at your house? hehe

7/17/2005 4:17 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Michele - Good points. I didn't give them much thought before and now that you mention them, you are right.

As for your advice to your daughters, so true. Men can be born rich, have no fiscal responsibility, and squander it all. One thing I love about America is you do have freedom of opportunity here. Sure, it's not perfect, but it's probably the #1 country in the world where people can go rags to riches.

Tshsmom - you are right. But two things, Herman can't cook so he needs to marry someone who can. And two, I'd love it if Mrs. Zombieslayer would share the cooking. But with the way she cooks, it's best I do the cooking. ;)

7/17/2005 5:01 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

hey I got one, I'm quoting from the Simpsons though, one of the funniest scenes from last season. Ok, the premise is the Simpsons are in debt and to make it up they rent their house out to German mountain climbers who don't stop bitching about America (that's all the context I remember). Anywat the German goes in a heavy accent, "Reason #35 why America sucks, no universal health care system. Reason #36 no metric system, what is this, Switzerland?" Insulting yes, but funny as hell at it's Matt Greoning (sp) so what the hell do you expect, the guy's a comic genius.

7/17/2005 8:52 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...


You're a riot! The post more than the jokes. But the jokes were great too.

7/18/2005 3:40 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

You're right; one member of the family MUST know how to cook. That's why I'm teaching my son to cook. These days, the odds of him finding a mate that can cook aren't good.
Personally, I think this non-cooking thing is a Zombie conspiracy!

7/18/2005 6:48 AM  
Blogger United We Lay said...

Americans really need to epand their cultural education. Languages aren't taught, our knowledge of geography is appalling, and our cultural awareness is severely lacking.

7/18/2005 7:34 AM  
Blogger United We Lay said...

I don't cook. My husband is a chef. He does almost all of the cooking. I handle breakfast and baking.

7/18/2005 7:35 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

PC - our schools have gone the route of the lowest common denominator. I've heard colleges too have become easier because they're "too haaard." The younger generation whines too much. They need to learn how to walk six miles a day in barefoot in the snow uphill both ways like we did, dang it!

Tshsmom - I didn't know one woman in college that could cook within five years of my age. That's pretty sad. Yet I knew several guys who could, and a few who were quite good. But of course, this was in California, a state full of flakes. ;)

Jenn - Thanks. Herman's a real guy. I of course just changed his name. And he really did get bent out of shape when I told him he was dating the wrong sister. Scary thing is, I wasn't kidding when I said he would look the other way when a hot babe walked by. Weirdo. Nice guy though.

Ben - Yeah, I love Matt Groening. I was in a teleconference with him once. Not a great speaker at all, but his ideas on paper are hilarious.

7/18/2005 10:36 AM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

Here's one (although a TRUE story):

A Polish guy went to Las Vegas. After enduring a barrage of Polish jokes by some drunk Americans he turned to the most belligerant drunk and asked:

"OH YEAH? Do YOU speak Polish?"

The American, confused ... replied:


The polish guy:

"Well then you're dumber than those polish guys"

7/18/2005 2:38 PM  
Blogger United We Lay said...

Zombie - I'm working on making schools harder. As I've said before, I often get into trouble at my workplace when things aren't up to my strict standards. I have been nearly fired for refusing to lower the difficulty of a lesson. I have been told my vocabulary lists are too difficult. It drives me nuts. I have abandoned public schools for the moment and I'm applying to private schools. I need to actually teach for a little while.

7/18/2005 4:01 PM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

Good for you, PC. I think that it's scary how little knowledge of history and the world at large kids have nowadays.

Zombieslayer: Very funny jokes.

7/19/2005 8:37 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Levi - glad you liked them.

PC - Wish more teachers were like you. I hope you're not fighting a losing battle though. One of my dear friends was teacher of the year in his school district. I'm surprised he never got in trouble for the things he'd say. He'd say things like "what if someone called you stupid. Could you prove them wrong?"

Cultureshocked - You know what? From reading your blog, I bet you'd be awesome to party with. One of these days, we need to announce a big Vegas party. Hopefully later on in the year, I'll have some spending money.

7/19/2005 10:25 AM  
Blogger Joe said...

Were those jokes?
I thought those were just statements of fact. I guess they're funny because they're true.

My GF is a terrible cook. She can barely make a bowl of cereal, and when she does, she uses too much milk. If I didn't cook the meals it would be cereal and popsicles for every meal.

7/19/2005 2:22 PM  
Blogger savage said...

How do you spot the American in the liposuction clinic?
Trick question, except for the South Asian doctors, they're ALL American.
Why are we so fat, anyway? (Except me, ZS and his wife, that is.)

7/19/2005 7:24 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Savage - It comes down to the fact that we can be fat. Remember when I was telling you about the 3 cuisines of the world? The Asian cuisine: too many people and not enough food so they eat everything. European cuisine: their meats are terrible so they sauce or spice the !@#$%^& out of it. American cuisine: we actually have enough food so we eat a lot of it.

Joe - I know what you should get her for her birthday then. ;)
Good easy cookbook? Check out Giada De Laurentiis Everyday Italian. Not only is her stuff easy to make, she's hot and there are lots of nice pictures of her posing with her food. Or any of the Cooking for Dummies books are good. Oh, Giada's marinara sauce is yummy.

7/19/2005 8:08 PM  

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