Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Places not to visit Part I

I have a list of places to visit. Unfortunately, I have to work so only a few of these places get visited every year. These places are places recommended by friends or places that I'm sold on by reading National Geographic Traveller. That mag is a cool mag by the way. Luckily we get it in the local library, so I can read all the back issues and drool over the cool places to visit.

I also have a list of places not to visit because they suck. I don't like places that are overcrowded, where the people are exceptionally rude, places that smell bad, or places filled with ugliness and filth. That's why I stay away from places like New Jersey.

First on my list is a place called Western Sahara. First off, Western Sahara is complete anarchy. If I'm not mistaken, Morocco is supposed to control it, but they don't, and I don't blame them for not doing their job one bit. It's like having a retarded dog. You kind of accidently on purpose let him run around without a leash and hope he gets hit by a car, then you pretend to be sad when you get the apology knock on the door. You let your kid answer the door and maybe the poor bloke will give you $10 so you could get a real dog.

That's Western Sahara for you. It's the retarded dog you wish a car would hit.

Western Sahara is full of quicksand. If you ever get stuck in quicksand, move as slowly as possible. Yell for help but if none comes, try to slowly swim out. It's the best chance you got. But keep in mind, zombies can survive under quicksand for years so given the fact that you can't see through quicksand, as if the quicksand wasn't bad enough, you might get bitten by a zombie as well.

Western Sahara also had a civil war not too long ago. The civil war left behind anywhere from one to two million landmines. So if the quicksand and the possible zombies in the quicksand aren't bad enough, you have a good chance of stepping on a landmine while visiting Western Sahara. No thanks.

It has zero square kilometers of water and 0.02% of the entire area is arable. Since all the people are nomadic, nobody knows the birth rate or death rate, life expectancy, nor even the literacy rate, but I imagine it's not very high. Most people don't reply when they're asked where they want to go to college "I want to go somewhere in Western Sahara."

If I were an alien, now I'm not implying aliens exist or anything, so don't think I'm weird, but if I were an alien and I had to abduct humans, run tests on them, then return them, I'd do it to someone from either Western Sahara or Texas because after dropping them back off, they're all weird anyways so nobody will know the difference.

So, if your best friend is planning a vacation in Western Sahara, just tell them that between the quicksand, the landmines, and the zombies, you don't think it's a good idea and you'd rather choose somewhere else. You could even use me as a reference.


Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Hi ZS! Since I adore, love and otherwise am a big fan of dogs, I'll leave that part of this one aside, and say that I totally agree with your yen to visit forbidding places. The more sand, the better.

But then again, neither of us is your average whatever!!


6/01/2005 10:06 AM  
Blogger Joe said...

A wise man once said, How do you know you don't like sand in your ass-crack, if you've never had sand in you ass-crack?

6/01/2005 10:22 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Did you see my husband's post about how "cool" zombies are? It's the first one. I thought you'd especially appreciate his take on the undead.

Personally, I keep my ass away from those damn things.

6/01/2005 10:55 AM  
Blogger Shawn said...

That was a close one... I was just about to hit 'send' to book a Western Sahara getaway on Travelocity when I thought that maybe I should see if anyone in the blogosphere had any thoughts.

Thank God I did otherwise I would have been spending my days swimming in quicksand to avoid Zombies and landmines with no one to tell my stories to at the hotel bar in the evening but the Alien-altered Texans that got set back down in the wrong spot.

I should have known when I logged on to the Western Sahara Tourism site and their slogan was - "If you're tired of having excellent vacations, try us..." but I'm sort of slow and needed to be told flat out what the real scoop was.

Thank you Zombieslayer, you saved my vacation!

6/01/2005 11:13 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

Zombies and quicksand vs. the swamps of New Jersey.


6/01/2005 12:31 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

I have a fear of crowded places. I think it's some kind of phobia, although I don't know the techie term. I will not be going to New Jersey anytime soon thanks to your careful advise.
Thank you Zombieman.

6/01/2005 1:39 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

I think I'd still opt for W. Sahara over a cruise ship vacation.

6/01/2005 4:14 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

wow, yea I remember learning about that part of the world and our teachers tried to coverup what a shithole it is, they didn't even mention that the Sahara Desert covered like 95% of the region were talking about. I had to raise my hand and say that. Why can't teacher just say that some places in the world flat out suck? They aren't just "different" or "unique" they are horrible!

6/01/2005 5:10 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

I was always under the impression that the best way to get yourself out of quick sand is to float. As you would in Water, just lay on your back and you will slowly rise to the top of it. The sad part is you then have 3 options:

1) HOPE & PRAY the motion from the sand will drift you to safety ... highly unlikely though since quick-sand has little to none lateral mojo.

2) HOPE & PRAY that someone was foolish enough not to take Zslayer's advice and is indeed chilling in Western Sahara (of course you would have to pray EXTRA hard that they haven't stepped on a land mine ... at least before they get to you).

3) Your third option is GRIM and Bleek. You will lay there until the Zombie's make their way to Western Sahara ... where they will have their way with your motionless, desperate and sorry soon-to-be Zombied body.

6/01/2005 6:35 PM  

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