Tuesday, December 13, 2005

What if the plague starts when you're at work?

We as a society need to start taking this upcoming plague more seriously. The problem is, most work environments are not suited to defend oneself and one's co-workers against a zombie assault. As is, most of us will be sitting ducks. If I were running the show, it won't be that way.

You remember when you had to do those fire drills at school? Well, once a year, each employer with more than five employees will be required to have a zombie outbreak drill. That means all employees must practice holing themselves up in whatever work environment they're in. Truck drivers, pizza deliverers, taxi drivers, etc., will be required to have at least one gallon of water, one thousand calories of food, a shotgun, and a box of 25 shells in their vehicles at all time. I'm not too worried about postal employees.

Each new office building must have at least one window that opens in case employees will have to dispose of an infected co-worker. There is that one hour window between death and resurrection when employees can safely throw a co-worker's body out the window.

I have a limited understanding of architecture, but I fully understand for engineering purposes, some buildings cannot have open windows. Therefore, a chute must be installed on each floor that an infected co-worker can be dropped down.

You know how there are signs that say "in case of fire, break glass" besides a fire extinguisher? Well, each story will be required to have at least two of those boxes, except in this case, they contain loaded shotguns and the signs would reflect a zombie assault instead of a fire.

Doors will need to be reinforced and easily lockable from the inside. Buildings must have the first story of a material that can withstand pounding. Since zombies cannot climb, it would be overkill to require the second story to be zombie-proofed as well.

Friends, we cannot trust out governments to protect us from the upcoming zombie plague. If the richest country in the world cannot respond to a hurricane, how do you think it would fare against a zombie outbreak? We can however change our building codes to help make us safer.

Let me know what I left out. Those with the best ideas will be given jobs in my newly created department of Zombie Defense if I get elected. If I don't get elected, God help us all.


Blogger Bridget Jones said...

well, first of all, most glass breaks you just need something strong enough to break it with. I suggest starting with those morons who put on safety helmets and then order the rest of us about. The helmet makes an excellent assault device, especially if it's still on the head of the individual involved (think 'battery ram'). Brief attempts at bribery can be made, upon which the masses decide who gets to ride through the glass curtain.

If I were a senior manager, I'd be worried....

12/13/2005 7:17 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

The Tower of the Auditorium Building in Chicago is perfect. There's only one stairwell (easily barricaded and defensible) as well as many windows that open, a supply of water, and a refrigerator of food.

The only thing we lack is guns... but it's a start ;)

12/13/2005 8:02 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

What about a vampire assault? Or is that for another blog, another day? I think on the zombie preparedness front, if we follow your tips we will be in excellent shape. The vampire assault, I'm not so sure.

12/13/2005 8:08 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

I'm picturing people dropping down these chutes you have recommended in assembly line fashion. Now I can't get it out of my head and now the workers also have helmets and protective space-type suits. :-P

12/13/2005 8:25 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Bridget - Good idea. I think we need to put axes by the glass. Plus, axes are good when you run out of bullets.

Laura - You should try to get a job there. We need to start thinking about jobs differently. Instead of thinking about money, or job security, we should be thinking how safe a building would be during a zombie attack.

Bearette - I'm not the resident expert at vampires, so I don't want to give you false information.

Notta - They're dead, so no need for helmets or any kind of protective suits. The only thing that matters is they're away from you. You don't want to get bitten.

12/13/2005 8:45 PM  
Blogger Shawn said...

Definitely right about the chutes...some people might push for body bags or something civilized like that, but that's always a bad idea.

How many times have you seen the old 'hey I turned into a zombie and while you were looking the other way I disappeared only to attack later trick'? Let me answer for you...too many!

I would also suggest having a fully charged iPod loaded with zombie slaying tunes. A good soundtrack always helps with wasting the undead.

Floodlights to light 'em up too. You can't guarantee that employees won't get trapped overnight.

And a generator inside the building...connected to the wire mesh on the outside walls. Hey, it worked in that one mutant bat movie...

And for those who don't have good musical taste, employers should provide ear plugs to drown out the constant moaning. That gets a bit old after a while.

Finally, it wouldn't be a bad idea to have loudspeakers mounted some distance from the building. You could pipe Captain and Tenille songs through it. Zombies go nuts for that and Wayne Newton. It could draw them away long enough for people to make a break for it and get back to their own compounds.

12/13/2005 9:15 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Looks like Shawn gets a job high up in the Administration if I get elected.

12/13/2005 9:44 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

ZS - I'm a bit rummy from sewing - I misread the "chute" part. I thought the chutes would be used for the workers to get away from the zombies. :-P Duh me!

12/13/2005 10:01 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Notta - Rummy from sewing? I need to pick up sewing as a hobby. ;)

12/13/2005 11:15 PM  
Blogger neal said...

I think the chutes should lead to an incinerator instead of just outside. If you just release the body outside it will still resurect into a zombie later and you may still have to deal with it. But if you fry the body you had completely dealt with the situation.

Also a good Bose sound system should be installed in each work place so that you could pipe in some good music if you had to hole up for any length of time. I know I go nuts if I have to go more than 8 hours without any rock n roll.

12/14/2005 3:20 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Um ZS, I DO work there... ;)

12/14/2005 6:35 AM  
Blogger Slade said...

we need people who will be on "sex patrol" because all those people locked up in a building for an extended period of time allows for a lot of pent up sexual tension that needs to be released somehow--so this is what I suggest: you need a sex room that will be patrolled when it is occupied, which means that someone will need to be gaurd outside of the sex room--this is because people who have sex are always the ones to die in the scary movies, so this could be prevented by placing someone on "sex patrol"

thank you.

12/14/2005 8:04 AM  
Blogger lime said...

'i'mnot worried about postal workers.' LMAO!!!

what about some sort of hazmat suit to don when disposing of infected coworkers. i just think ya can' tbe too safe. and the chute should lead to an incinerator.

12/14/2005 8:07 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Neal - I loved Bose. We have a pair of Bose hooked up to the CD/DVD player.

Wonderful idea about the incinerator. That's true, they'll just be an extra bullet or two if we don't "kill" them before they resurrect.

Laura - Then my dear, I no longer worry about your safety. :)

Slade - Good idea. People having sex for some strange reason always seem to tune out their surroundings, and that's why the killer/zombie/psycho always sneaks up on them, while their friends who are drunk out of their minds are still aware.

Lime - I thought the suit was a good idea too, until what Shawn said. It's really best to dispose of the body ASAP, before it has a chance to resurrect. But the incinerator is a great idea. Neal had that idea too, so I guess great minds think alike. :)

12/14/2005 8:24 AM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

shawn said..
I would also suggest having a fully charged iPod loaded with zombie slaying tunes. A good soundtrack always helps with wasting the undead.

Perfect. We need inspirational music to get us pumped up while we're blowing away the zombies. Everyone needs to start collecting guitar-laden metal music under the playlist title
"Wasting the Undead"

12/14/2005 9:09 AM  
Blogger Bhakti said...

I'm teach fourth grade, so I'm just going to have my students hide under their desks. My mom says that the kids in her school had to practice hiding under their desks in case of a nuclear bomb (this was in the Fifties, of course). I figure, if hiding under the desks can shield us from a nuclear explosion, it can certainly shield us from a Zombie invasion. Don'tcha think?

12/14/2005 10:10 AM  
Blogger Shawn said...

Everyone needs to start collecting guitar-laden metal music under the playlist title
"Wasting the Undead"

And maybe a seperate, but equally important, playlist... "I Know You Used To Be My Friend But Now You're A Freaky Zombie And I've Gotta Blast You"

It also occurred to me that all buildings should have HEPA filters for the air and maybe some lovely little Glade Plugins. The undead can be a bit, shall we say, fragrant... I would pick some sort of zesty cinnamon scent that would help keep people alert.

Extra coffee in the breakroom should go without saying. But maybe there should be a 'zombie plague' stash of good coffee. It's bad enough having to deal with the undead without having to drink crappy coffee too...

12/14/2005 10:54 AM  
Blogger Miladysa said...

We are going to take a leaf out of Shaun of the Dead's book by picking up a cricket bat and making our way to the pub. Being doing it for centuries and it works well :)

12/14/2005 12:19 PM  
Blogger lime said...

thanks zombieslayer. i admit, i did not read through all the comments before posting mine. being a relative newcomer to yoru blog, maybe i need a primer on the characteristics of zombies, lifespan, vulnerabiites, etc...how best to combat them. i'd have never thought the hazmat suit was a risky thing, but i want to be well prepared. and i am glad someone thought of good tunes. i am wondering is it best to calm ourselves withthe tunes we liek or to use the music in aon offensive manner to repel the zombies....something like britney spears or justin timberlake for that purpose, ya know? or woudl they make it worse?

12/14/2005 1:16 PM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

That got me to thinking how unsafe my work environment is for the plauge... I should stash a shotgun under my desk or something.

12/14/2005 1:51 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Personally, I think the best thing to do would be to run to the store tonight and pick up the following items:

Marinade (your choice)
Ice cream scoop
Meat tenderizer
Bottle of Jim Beam

These should be staples of any zombie...um... defense kit.

12/14/2005 3:41 PM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

No worries here. I live less than a mile from work and I drive a big honkin' pickup truck.
Please put ME in charge of burning the unresurrected. You KNOW how I love to burn things. ;)

12/14/2005 4:40 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Has anyone mentioned a woodchipper yet? A really big one down a springable trap door by the front doors.

12/14/2005 4:48 PM  
Blogger Moni said...

We'll have to develope a communication system. The alert must go to all non zombies that the plague has started. I suggest a code of some sort that only non zombies can understand.

Okay, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. lol ;)

12/14/2005 5:00 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Moni - You don't have to worry about zombies understanding much. Most of their brain has decomposed, so they pretty much think of eating human flesh and that's about it. But yes, communication will be vital when the plague starts.

Scott - I think an incinerator would be safer, for it will get rid of the bodies better.

Tshsmom - Will do. I don't really worry about you though. The only one in your family I worry about is the Canadian. You know how they are with firearms.

ZL - Don't worry. Since you don't want Paris Hilton either, we'll send you Nick and Jessica.

Bsoholic - Good idea. I'll try to convince my boss that we should keep shotguns to work. I'm sure he'll be up for it.

Lime - Spears and Timberlake will just cause us to shoot unnecessary rounds. A few good people might die in friendly fire too. No, the best thing is to play tunes that we enjoy, rather than trying to annoy them.

Miladysa - We don't have cricket here in the States. Just baseball. The good thing about you all though is you have tasty beers. I've enjoyed many Newcastles in my day.

Shawn - Your comment reminded me of the movie Airplane. Remember when they were all good with being off course, but when they found out they were out of coffee, all Hell broke loose?

"I Know You Used To Be My Friend But Now You're A Freaky Zombie And I've Gotta Blast You"

Sounds like a song our Canadian friend Mokuyobi would write.

As for the air deodorizers, excellent idea. They don't call zombies "stenches" for nothing.

Bhakti - Heh. Like the duck and roll routine. I wouldn't like to find out the hard way. :p

Sadie - Yeah, we should do another music post of what kind of music to slay undead to. I did that a long time ago, but a lot has changed since then.

12/14/2005 7:05 PM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Please, keep Nick... :o)

12/14/2005 7:11 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

ZL - Well, I'll tell you what. When the plague starts, we'll just shoot him since neither you nor we want him.

12/14/2005 7:34 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I claim workman's comp?

12/15/2005 3:36 AM  
Blogger clothosfate said...

hmmm.. what about rubber suits? See, the major problem with zombies is getting bitten right? Well if rubber suits were install around offices, kind of like parachutes on an airplane, people could get into them just in case the building is breeched or for some stupid reason they have to go outside. Yes I think that rubber suits should be mandatory along with shotguns!! ;p

12/15/2005 7:36 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Jenn - When the plague starts, your job is over. There will be no job to go back to. However, you will still need to hole up if it starts when you're at work.

Clothosfate - Depends where you are. You Canadians could get away with it, but somewhere like Texas or Louisiana and it would be suicide. Geez, people walk around there half-naked and pass out from the heat.

12/15/2005 8:37 AM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

I'll even send you the ammo... :o)

12/15/2005 10:33 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

Yeah, me too. She's NEVER liked guns. Maybe it has something to do with me going grouse hunting when I was pregnant with her. Everytime the gun would fire, she'd jump. I'll bet nobody else has a prenatally gun-shy kid.

12/15/2005 12:22 PM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

I'm with you on that. But first we need to put together a task force to determine exactly what will kill a zombie. Is it dismemberment? A stake? A simple shot to the head? Silver? Holy water?

And when the task force has finished it's deliberation, and has come to the conclusion that more research is needed, then we need an advisory group in charge of marketing materials which will be distributed to the public.

This will take lots of time, because they will need to interview zombies to discover what they find offensive (in order to avoid offending the Zombie Minority). If the zombies are unable to speak for themselves, they will need to find Zombie Surrogates to speak for them.

And if the original committee couldn't come to a conclusion as to how to dispose of a zombie, they will probably have to put together a list of possible weapons and potential scenarios.

Then the pamphlet will have to be debated through Congress. There will be many congressional people that will argue that it's promoting violence, and minimizing the rights of a minority. Others will speculate that it's hard to easily define what a zombie is.

It will finally die in committee.

And so we will continue to be as unprepared for the Zombie Plague as we are for the Bird Flu and AIDS.

12/15/2005 6:01 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Saurkraut - You definitely have a good understanding of how our government works. Offending zombie minorities? That's classic.

Tshsmom - Ah, grouse. Every time I see grouse though, they're out of season. I'd have a clear shot and it would do its grouse noise - "pbbbbbbbbbb," then fly off. Such a teaser.

We need to take SME shooting. Guns are fun. :)

ZL - Cool deal. The fact that Nick and Jessica are divorcing before they could reproduce is definitely a good sign. Maybe I'll go buy a Lotto ticket.

12/15/2005 6:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the idea of throwing my coworkers out the window.

12/16/2005 11:57 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Anonymous - I hope you're not using this as an excuse to throw co-workers out the window.

12/19/2005 11:40 PM  

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