Friday, October 07, 2005

Harold

I look forward to three Holidays every year - Halloween, Christmas, and New Year's Day. Love all three. Since it's October, I'll share with you a Zombieslayer family tradition, dummies.

We have a dummy named Stinky Jone. Right now, he's in a box collecting dust. We'll have to put him together and set him up to frighten kids.

Stinky was a regular guy. He drank beer and watched TV after a hard day's work. One day, Athgar came along and shot him for no reason. So now he's decomposing in his lawn chair with a half-empty can of Bud. We stick him on the porch to frighten the little kiddies. It's funny to see them approach the house cautiously, like Stinky might suddenly jump out of his chair and grab them.

Anyways, if I have time, I'll build a second dummy and name this one Harold. Of course with each dummy comes a personality. Here are some fun facts about Harold.

1) Harold has three eyes.
2) Covers up the third eye with a band-aid. Tells everyone it's a zit.
3) Harold has a horrible case of dyslexia, which is so bad he rarely gets second dates.
4) Chicks for some strange reason don't like to be called Ynnej, Asil, and Arabrab.
5) When Harold was eighteen, Pops told him it was time to quit school and get a job.
6) So Harold quit re-trying the 3rd grade and went to look for work.
7) Pops spontaneously combusted later on that year.
8) Mom did the year before.
9) Aunt Mildred almost made it to her 40th birthday before spontaneously combusting
10) Uncle Elmer did before he could impregnate Mildred, so that part of the tree never reproduced.
11) Harold has massive buck teeth.
12) He tells everyone Gramps was a beaver.
13) Gramps spontaneously combusted before Harold was born, so he has no idea if Pops was telling the truth or not.
14) A giant, prehistoric shark tried to eat Harold once.
15) Spit him out.
16) The shark was found dead an hour later.
17) I'm glad I was able to interview Harold yesterday, because today he called in sick.
18) Said he had a 121 degree fever.

By the way, when I'm in Congress, one of the first things I'm going to do is try to get Halloween a national holiday. On Halloween, folks should be working on their costumes, not being bored out of their mind in a classroom or watching the clock while sitting in a cubicle.

31 Comments:

Blogger jenbeauty said...

Woo Hoo, I second the Halloween as a national holiday...I always need more chocolate and to feel the pull of dressing up!

10/07/2005 10:08 AM  
Anonymous Michele said...

You should put a picture of Harold up as a "Hot Guy".
Also, what's wrong with Thanksgiving? I love it. All the food, and it's really hard to commercialize.

10/07/2005 11:06 AM  
Blogger tshsmom said...

When our nephew was a teenager, he used to dress up like a scarecrow and sit in a chair on the porch. When a group of kids would come, he'd either talk, stand up, or start thrashing around. Poor kids are probably still having nightmares about the "haunted dummy".

10/07/2005 12:00 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

When I saw the title I immediately had "Harold of the Rocks" going through my head ;-)

I LOVE Halloween... it's fun (in addition to being a religious holiday for me).

10/07/2005 12:12 PM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

Me too Laura!!!

"Harold he's a friendly guy, he'll ramble on and on. He'll talk balls of a rhinoceros!"

"Harold of the rocks"

10/07/2005 12:16 PM  
Blogger Levi Nunnink said...

Zombie: You know what you should do is secretly dress up as Harold on Halloween and sit on your porch. Then wait until the kids (who think that you're just another dummy) get really close and jump at them. That would be quite a Halloween memory.

10/07/2005 12:50 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Jenbeauty - Ummm. Chocolate. :)
I seem to eat half of Junior's candy every year.

Michele - Lol! Nice pun there. That went over my head at first.

Thanksgiving is great, but for some odd reason, I gain five pounds every Thanksgiving.

Tshsmom - That's awesome. I think that's why kids are scared of Stinky. They think it might be a guy in a mask sitting there.

Laura - I'd love to do a Halloween in Chicago. San Francisco's known for its Halloweens.

Laura and Bsoholic - I like Jerry the race car driver.

Levi - Actually, when I get money I'll commission someone to build an animatronic for me activated by a motion sensor or step plate. My eventual goal is to build a Halloween funhouse. not the home haunt kind, but an all out scare fest. It will be built piece by piece. That's why I'm learning how to make animatronics by starting with the paper mache baby dragon.

10/07/2005 1:12 PM  
Blogger snavy said...

I thought for sure the shark would spontaneously combust - go figure!!

I cannot wait for Halloween & agree that it should be a national holiday.

10/07/2005 1:51 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...

Harold *laughing* You should play that banjo music from Deliverence on the porch where he sits.
The kids wouldn't get it but the parents will.
On October first, I went into K-Mart and they had their Christmas decorations up complete with a huge snowglobe and a snowman. It was gross.

10/07/2005 2:25 PM  
Blogger Joe said...

No doubt. I have no business being at work when I should be out on the town with ten rolls of toilet paper and 3 bags of stolen candy.

10/07/2005 2:39 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Joe - I miss TP'ing houses. Haven't done that in 20 years. :p

Sadie - I was in K-mart last night and was severely disappointed in the quality of their Halloween costumes. They weren't scary and look like they were made for 50c each. Yeah, and they already have Christmas stuff.

As for Deliverance, good idea. "Dueling banjos" and a dummy of someone who spontaneously combusted.

Snavylyn - Yeah, not sure how the shark died. Maybe it did blow up.

10/07/2005 2:58 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

Great idea. Halloween deserves some respect!

10/07/2005 4:08 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

ZS: Halloween in Chicago is pretty lame actually, unless you have someplace to go. The weather SUCKS - it's almost always rainy and cold. We used to have kick-ass halloween/birthday parties in college since a bunch of us had birthdays at the end of October. Most of those folks have moved out to the burbs. One of these years John and I are gonna throw a party - but not until the puppy calms down toward strangers...

I actually want to do Halloween in Vegas - that's supposed to be a trip.

10/07/2005 4:11 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Laura - I bet Key West has some wild Halloweens. Too bad Chicago's aren't. I heard New Orleans had the best Halloween spook house in the country. I really hope that city recovers.

Jason - Halloween's dying. I had much more fun as a kid than kids have today for Halloween. But that's the trend in America. People are too !@#$%^& serious nowadays.

10/07/2005 5:17 PM  
Blogger Notta Wallflower said...

It's not that close to Halloween and I'm already tired of hearing about it - I'm such a grinch that way. However, last year, I heard of evil tricks to play on trick-or-treaters and I wish I still had the email. I was tempted to try one or two. :-P

10/07/2005 6:18 PM  
Blogger bsoholic said...

Nothing to do with this post, but due to some of your other posts, I wonder if you've seen the moive 'Crash'. I just watched it tonight, and wow. What a movie it is. An interesting yet sad introspective view on race and the way human lives intercollide. Just curious on your views of it had you seen it.

10/07/2005 7:42 PM  
Blogger Bo Salisbury said...

Mr. Zombieslayer... far be it from me to precipitate a controversy but did the lad Levi, while feigning a Halloween suggestion, actually infer that you are a dummy? He's a crafty one, that Levi... I'd monitor his comments closely.

10/07/2005 8:03 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Bo - Too funny. I'll hopefully meet you all soon, and you'll see I'm the opposite of a dummy. I can't sit still for 10 minutes. :)

I'm just surprised I've never interrupted a wedding and screamed out "hurry up and get to the part where they kiss so we can have the cake and the wine!"

Bsoholic - You're not the first to say I need to see it. I think it was Clothosfate who told me I needed to see it. Plus I think someone else said it too. So, no, unfortunately. I'll rent it hopefully soon.

Notta - Not this Halloween, but maybe next Halloween, we should go to Halloween in San Francisco in a huge group. You'll love the holiday again. This Halloween, I'm going to spend it with my son and we're going to fill up a pillowcase with candy. I didn't see him last Halloween, for I had a contract in SoCal.

10/07/2005 9:13 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

totally need that national holiday.

10/07/2005 10:01 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

ZS..my son was born on Halloween..he was SUPPOSED to a Dec baby..evidently he couldnt wait..cute story tho..

10/08/2005 7:26 AM  
Blogger The Zombie Lama said...

Halloween is AWESOME. And, as an added bonus, I never need a costume ;o)

10/08/2005 7:50 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

I love it ZS! what a great idea, yea I never got any schoolwork done on October 31st anyway.

10/08/2005 9:00 AM  
Blogger Moni said...

Rotfl--Harold sounds like he's straight out of the dating pool in my area. The only thing he's missing is a mullet. Does he have a mullet underneath a trucker's cap? lol

I like Halloween even though some may think it to be a paganistic holiday. I say it is what you make it to be; evil or not.

Last year I dressed my daughter up as a slice of pizza...too cute. This year she's already been to a costume/skating party. She won the funniest costume...she was dressed as a birthday present.

Halloween joke for ya:

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had NO BODY to go with. hahahahahahaha!

10/08/2005 10:47 AM  
Blogger Dawner said...

***poof***hey hey it's almost halloween, my favorite holiday, what other day of the year can I put on a costume, go back to my childhood, be as crazy as I want to be and everyone loves it. Oh that was at the bar last Friday. I was confused honestly. You have my vote for a national holiday. Later ***poof***

10/08/2005 6:53 PM  
Blogger SME said...

You'll have to be more specific about Harold. You just described half the men in Saskatchewan.

10/08/2005 11:02 PM  
Blogger Bridget Jones said...

BTW, Think I"ve dated Harold....for $50, I'll be quiet about it ;)

10/09/2005 10:35 AM  
Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

You can't make Halloween a national holiday, buster, because it's a Pagan holiday (I'm pretty sure it's something like the holiest night of the year for Pagans for some reason or another) and making that national violates seperation of Church and State.
But then, in NY everyone has off for Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur and I love that, so who am I to talk?

10/09/2005 11:17 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Brownsvillegirl - We need more holidays period. I don't care if they're Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, or Pagan in origin. A study published in Newsweek awhile back showed Americans working 47 hours a week on average, more than any other country in the industrialized world, even more than Japan. It's because Japan has holidays. We don't.

Bridget - Did he ever take that band-aid off?

SME - Funny, I thought I was describing half my male friends in Texas.

Dawner - You know what I want to throw sometime? I'd love to throw a masquerade ball. The whole reason Halloween's so fun is because of the costumes.

Moni - The only thing he's missing is a mullet.

It was a phone interview. I assume so though. Nice joke by the way.

Ben - Any teacher who assigns homework on Halloween needs a good dose of pepper spray in the face.

ZL - I dress up as you almost every year. ;)

Dusty - A premie baby, huh? I used to tutor a premie baby. The kid had incredible genetics. Was leg pressing 360 pounds at the age of 12. Crazy kid. I wish I had as much energy as he did.

Bridget - You not have enough holidays up there either?

10/09/2005 2:14 PM  
Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

Then we need...dum da dum...NAP TIME! My father told me that when he was in Portugal (on business) dinner is served at 11. It's not abnormal to leave a restaurant at 3 in the morning. Y'know why? Cause they all go home at like 3 in the afternoon or 1 or something for two hour breaks! They do it in Israel too. And in other European countries (but I can't cite countries without looking them up first and I'm too tired and lazy to do that now). Americans need that. But it's impossible to take a two hour break in the middle of the day when you work in the city and live in the suburbs. Imagine that...would people drive home? Would there be extra cots stored in the office for people to sleep? Would everyone invade Central Park? But alas, it would be wonderful.

10/09/2005 5:07 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

Aww, that's way better than all the Halloween traditions I've heard of. But I'm all sad about Harold's life now.

10/09/2005 10:22 PM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Miranda - There's an old saying that every dog has his day. To make the story even worse, Harold would have had a hot date the Friday after he spontaneously combusted.

Brownsvillegirl - One thing I miss about kindergarden is you got to bring your blankie to school and take naps. Since a lot of folks live in the suburbs and work in the city, what if we all brought blankies to work.

True story, when I used to work in Seattle, we had our main office in CA. We used to put the phone on mute during meetings so they wouldn't hear us snore.

10/10/2005 8:20 AM  

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