Friday, February 23, 2007

Glad I'm not going

My boss gave me the bad news. His wife bought him a ticket to Disney on Ice. He specifically asked her not to buy him one too, so not only is he stuck going, he's also driving. I told him I couldn't think of a worse way to spend a Friday evening. Poor guy.

Not that either of us have anything against ice skating. I remember back in the day watching Katarina Witt intently, hoping I'd get to see another boob slip. Janet Jackson might be heck of a singer, but Witt's got a better pair. Sorry Ms Jackson. You're still richer than I am, so don't take it too badly.

America definitely has our share of hot ice skaters. They just don't skate at Disney on Ice. My boss said there's a reason why they're there instead of elsewhere. Plus, it's Disney so you won't see any short skirts or wardrobe malfunctions.

* * *

In other news, one of my side jobs is studying and reviewing film. Yes, I get paid to do that. Stay in college kid, and learn to write. If you can write, you'll make money doing what you want to do. Trust me on this one.

Currently, I'm doing the female directors thingie. Thank God Penny Marshall's done, because if I had to watch one more of her movies, I think I'd shoot the t.v. And yes, just in case you're wondering, I don't have a gun while watching t.v. I've lived in Texas long enough to know that's not a good idea, especially when a football game's on t.v.

Sofia Coppola on the other hand is quite talented. Even if you don't like her style, you have to acknowledge she's an artist. She's also surprisingly nice to look at. No, Sofia, I'm married, so don't get any funny ideas.

After Ms Coppola, I'm doing Asia Argento. I'm doing her by request, especially because she's about the farthest thing away from Penny Marshall.

Have a good weekend, all.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Who's changed?

I was watching Back to School with my son the other day and there was an interesting dialogue exchange. A quick background, Thorton Mellon is the highly successful 60+ freshman, going back to school because even though he's made millions, his late father said that without an education, you're nobody. Professor Turner is the blonde English Professor Mellon has a crush on.

So they're on a date and Mellon is complaining that women have changed. Nowadays, they're too into their careers and into themselves. Turner said that it's not the women who have changed, but the men. Before the women's movement, they were too macho. After the women's movement, men go out of their way to be sensitive, and she finds that equally unappealing.

I already have an opinion on this, but I'm tired of hearing my own voice. Who do you think changed?

Sunday, February 18, 2007

A Man's Man and Marie Antionette

Have you ever bought an album after hearing two songs from it, and you loved those two songs, so you thought for sure the whole album would be good? Then when you finally buy it, you play the album and only the two songs were good and everything else was crap?

Well, I read the first two chapters of this book and thought I just had to buy it. It was funny, and took some nice shots at some of those who like to feminize men.

The rest of the book dragged on and frankly, well, it sucked big time. This book was completely written for a city man. It tells you how to buy wine, what kind of music you need to listen to, what kind of movies you need to watch, how to dress, how to comb your hair, and a lot more rubbish along those lines. It even wastes two chapters on smoking cigars.

For music, the author's stuck in the past. He only has two active bands listed - U2 and Aerosmith. Let's get real, U2 hasn't put out a great album since Achtung Baby which was back in '91, and Aerosmith's last real good effort was Permanent Vacation, which was what? In 1990? Get with the times, chump.

All the advice he gives requires spending tons of money. Hey, not everyone makes a million dollars a year. From experience, I know some boys who could get a lot more babes than this guy who make a tenth of what he does. His way of impressing the ladies is with his pocketbook, which are exactly the type of women I wouldn't want to impress anyways.

Not only that, he keeps mentioning how manly manicures are. Whatever.

Vincent has several celebrity interviews and mentions constantly what celebrities he knows. I was reading that and just thinking "who cares?"

Real manly men will survive the upcoming zombie plague. This guy won't. Two dead zombies out of ten, for the two good intro chapters.

As you know, I'm a big time movie geek. I just got done doing the old Film Noir thing and now I'm doing a series of Women Directors. The director I'm watching now is Sofia Coppola.

Sofia Coppola at one time was the most hated person in Hollywood. She was the scapegoat for The Godfather III, which wasn't as bad as critics said it was. It just had big expectations to live up, which it failed to do.

Coppola did a wonderful job with Lost in Translation, for which if I'm not mistaken she was nominated for an Academy Award. Marie Antionette is her new one.

For those with ADD, forget it. It has slow pacing and takes awhile to get going. But once it does, it's a watchable movie.

As you may know, Marie Antionette was that French Queen who supposedly said "let them eat cake" when the peasants complained they had no bread to eat. In reality, she never said that. She was however too young and inexperienced to be Queen. Coppola did a good job at showing this, how she went from being a shallow, rich, spoiled teenager to having to steer a nation in heavy debt, of which she contributed to.

The movie starts with Marie Antionette getting stripped naked because she had to get rid of all her Austrian possessions, including her beloved Austrian puppy. It's French custom. Then she got to meet her future father-in-law and future husband (arranged marriage).

The what were supposed to be sex scenes were classic. Marie Antionette spent a year or so trying to get the King to be interested in her, for she was supposed to produce an heir to the King of France or else her marriage might get annulled. Instead of being seduced, the King often fell asleep or talked endlessly about locks.

Coppola was fair. She showed her faults. She showed how lost she was at first, and how even when things started to go bad, she had no idea how to correct it. She had no experience in political matters, and when the nation's debt kept rising, she kept partying. I'm thankful though to Louis XVI and Marie Antionette, for they were the ones who funded the American Revolution, something Coppola did remind us of.

Visually, the producers spent a fortune. This had to be one of the best visual films I've ever seen, and that's really saying something. The costumes were magnificent, and they even filmed the movie in the real Versailles.

The cast was well casted. Kirsten Dunst played her part as the lost and ineffective Queen perfectly. Asia Argento played Louis XV's mistress. Marianne Faithful played Marie Antionette's Austrian mother. And Jason Schwartzman played the young King, who seemed to be more interested in hunting and locks (like locks and keys) than running his nation.

I've heard a lot of other reviewers complain about the 80s post-punk soundtrack, but the soundtrack worked. The pacing however was slow. Coppola spent too much time on their excesses and not enough time on what was going on in France. Some scenes outside of Versailles would have made the movie a lot more enjoyable to those who didn't know the historical background of the movie.

Still, a very watchable movie, and visually pretty. Seven dead zombies.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

These Jews rock! + Hot Israeli Babe

First off, thanks to all those who responded to the last article. I'm glad some of you pointed out the hypocrisy of my stance on that issue, and now I'm leaning more towards my friend Jess's idea - the bribe. I'll keep that article up there because I firmly believe that anything that can create open discussion is a good thing.

Anti-Semitic cartoons

I was on a hiatus from blogging when this happened, so missed all the commotion. You might not have seen this though, and if you haven't, you need to.

I'm sure you heard the story about the Mohammad cartoons. An Iranian newspaper got so offended by the whole ordeal that it asked people to submit Anti-Semitic cartoons in response to the evil Western media. In response to that, a Jewish group decided to one up them and make the most outrageously Anti-Semitic cartoons ever made. You can view them here.

For the record, any Jew who published one of those cartoons has a definite spot in my anti-zombie compound when the zombies come. That's some funny s*** there, and if you can make me laugh, you're automatically my friend.

Hot Israeli Babe

I know I already posted her before a long time ago, but I've always promoted recycling. Ms. Portman has already made a name for herself in the movie industry, and with her acting talent, she'll continue to do so. I just hope she strays away from directors with a last name like Lucas or Nichols and starts working more with people who can actually direct, like Besson or Zombieslayer. Natalie, you'll always have a place in my anti-zombie compound when the zombies come.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Careful who you breed with

Agetha's story

"Agetha" is a wonderful woman. She has a kind heart and good intentions. However, she has one major flaw - bad taste in men.

She has three kids, two of her looking like her and one looking like him. Agetha's hubby, he's another story. He's not a joy to be around. No matter what idea or proposition you have, he'll tell you how it won't work. He'll find ugliness in a rainbow, smog in a sunset, and a miscolored drop in a waterfall. He's never happy, and yours truly has had to hold back the temptation to knock him over the head with a crowbar.

You and I have free will. He has none. He's the type of guy fifty years ago who would be locked up in an attic making funny noises, or better yet, in a loonie bin where he couldn't breed. Unfortunately for us, he's bred three times.

All three kids have severe depression. The boy is a teenager. He's found that he's even bad at suicide. He's tried it twice and failed. If he survives into adulthood, he'll end up like his father, driving the whole world crazy. The two girls will grow up to be co-dependents. They're cute now, and I really wish them the best, but this is Earth, not Lord of the Rings. They'll find some loser who will treat them like garbage, get knocked up by him, marry him, and produce another generation fit only for the Jerry Springer show.

Magneta's story

Magneta was a hottie in high school. I'm saying this from pictures, not from experience, but these pictures don't lie. With looks like that, and a 130+ I.Q., she could have had her choice of men. Instead, she married a guy who makes Agneta's hubby look fun.

At home when only the family's around, Magneta's husband doesn't talk. He screams. The house might look spotless to you or me, but he'll find something wrong with it, then scream at his wife and kids to fix it. I guess doing it himself is too much trouble.

They got a higher batting average though. Magneta's son's a good kid. I personally like the kid. Her daughter on the other hand would make any parent's hair fall out. She's chronically depressed, cries at everything, has absolutely zero ambition, and is grossly obese. Unless they find a cure for diabetes, it's almost a given she dies in her 40s if her heart makes it that long.

How did her son turn out okay? Well, he was raised by his grandparents. When he moved back in with his parents in high school, he got so sick of them that he graduated early and got the **** out.

Shaky's story

Microwaving small animals for laughs should have been a sign that something was seriously wrong with "Shaky." Or it could have been hearing voices at an early age. Or it could have been the fact that Shaky was partially retarded. Of course, it wouldn't be politically correct if we sterilized him, because if we did, the P.C. crowd would be going bonkers.

Shaky's in jail now. I couldn't tell you what for, because I don't know. I do know that somewhere out there are at least two little Shakys, maybe more. When he gets out of jail, you can bet your kid's college fund that he'll breed again, because Shaky likes having sex almost as much as microwaving small animals.

I'm sure though that those little Shakys will grow up to be fine, upstanding citizens, contributing to a better society. They'll grow up to find a vaccine for HIV, cure lung cancer, end both poverty and racism, and bring about world peace. And while we're dreaming, I want a pony.

Back in the old days, Shaky would have been sterilized. Now, it's a free for all where anyone who could get it up is free to piss in the gene pool, making sure we have more losers that yours and my tax dollars will have to take care of, whether it's welfare, psychiatric hospital visits, or jail. Plus, while the first two cases are just plain losers, Shaky's dangerous. He's been known to rough up a few old people who had the gall to get upset when he was busting into their houses to steal stuff. Oh yeah, that's what he's in jail for. My bad.

Now Agetha and Magneta should have been more careful who they bred with, especially Magneta who had things going for her. Because of their bad choices, we're stuck with another generation of losers, who will eventually beget more losers. I use Agetha and Magneta as warnings for those who are about to get married. Do not breed with losers or your kids will be losers. I don't think it's too much to ask, is it?

Shaky on the other hand is the fault of the P.C. police who outlawed forced sterilization. Yeah, I know that some forced sterilizations were racist. I'm well aware of history. But by that token, police back in those days were racist. So do we outlaw police as well? That will work great.

Because of the P.C. police, Shaky's kids will grow up to be criminals, then they'll beget more criminals. Shaky should have been put in a loonie bin. If not, then he should have been sterilized. That cycle could have been stopped long ago, even before Shaky was born. I bet you can guess what kind of parents he had.

Where to draw the line?

And that, my friends, is the million dollar question, where to draw the line. I'll tell you where. Where free will stops. Retarded folk and crazy people do not have free will. You and I have free will, they don't.

"But isn't Hitler..."

Yeah, that's what always happens. You make any point nowadays and the P.C. police bring up Hitler. No. Hitler wanted to kill people. I don't. I'm all for retarded citizens and crazy people living their lives the best they can. I just don't want them to breed, so we could put an end to this mad cycle.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


Just a little heads up, this blog won't be suitable for children. No, it won't be p*rn, but there will be a lot more mature subject matter, kind of like how it was in the beginning. We'll have more non-politically correct discussions. We'll have more fun, like it used to be.

I kind of wish blogger would offer a rating feature where you can rate it yourself. This blog would be more 16+.

Monday, February 12, 2007

If you want your party to win...

If you're wondering who's going to be the next President of the United States, I'll give you a few clues. It won't be John McCain. He's too much of a jerk. It won't be Hillary Clinton. She's managed to alienate too many people. It won't be Al Gore, because some of us who vote have memories. And it won't be someone with a last name of Bush. That dynasty is over.

The next President will be either a Democrat or Republican who has moved towards the Center. This country has moved towards the Center, whether people like it or not. The best chance for a Democrat to win is to put someone out there that's appeals to Democrat's traditional strengths, but is economically not a big spender, is pro-Gun Rights, respects the men and women in uniform, and enforces illegal immigration laws. The best chance for a Republican to win is to put forth a contender who will cut the deficit down and actually gives a d*mn about the American middle-class and the environment.

That person might be someone who has stepped into the ring already, but I have a feeling it's someone we haven't even heard from yet. We'll see. What I'd really want to see is someone who has a clear vision towards the future, someone who truly believes in the American dream and equal opportunity for all to achieve it. I'd love to see someone who is a uniter, and not someone who breaks this country up by special interest groups. This person needs to care about the American people, the great American outdoors, and our beloved Constitution.

Now, if you want your party to lose, keep supporting people who only criticize instead of come up with a plan to fix things. We don't need cynics, we need leaders.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Debbie and Jack

Debbie was excited to finally introduce Jack, her fiancé, to her parents. As they drove over to Debbie's parents' house, Debbie turned to Jack. "Is something wrong, dear?"

"No, everything's fine," he lied. He just knew he shouldn't have stopped at Taco Bell an hour before going to meet Debbie's parents.

Debbie's parents' made a feast, and had a good bottle of Merlot to help living up the evening. Jack started to feel it though, and when no one was looking, Jack cut off a small piece of steak and wiggled it under the table. The family dog came by and Jack let out a Silent, But Deadly.

"Get over here, Spot!," Debbie's father yelled.

"Whew!," Jack thought to himself. That actually worked.

Ten minutes later, Debbie's father opened up the second bottle of wine as conversation continued flowing. Unfortunately for Jack, Taco Bell gases flowed as well. So he inconspicuously sliced another piece off his steak and wiggled it under the table, then as Spot came by, he let out a second Floating Air Biscuit.

"Get over here, Spot!," Debbie's father yelled.

Debbie's mother baked the best apple pie Jack has ever tasted and Jack let them all know how much he adored her baking skills, and succeeded with getting a little blush out of Debbie's mother. However, one last Silent Screamer was building up in the gas chamber. Luckily for Jack, he kept a piece of steak fat in his napkin and promptly wiggled it under the table.

Spot came by and Jack let it out once more, and this time Debbie's father yelled "Get over here, Spot, before he craps all over you!"

Thursday, February 08, 2007

GLAAD is not happy

Did you all see the Super Bowl? Well, if not, there was a Snickers commercial that involved two macho guys eating a Snickers bar with their eyes closed. Right before they finished the bar, they ended up kissing by accident. It was kind of like that one scene from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. With both of them highly embarrassed, they tried to do something "manly" and ended up pulling out their chest hairs.

Okay, it wasn't that funny. I didn't laugh, and the commercial failed to convince me that Snickers is a better candy bar than Baby Ruth. However, GLAAD, which is an acronym for Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation got all pissy about it and wanted the ad pulled. The President of the Human Rights Campaign said that it condones violence against gays. Huh? Did that clown even see the ad?

You all know how I feel about political correctness. This is just another case of p.c. gone wrong. I watched the Super Bowl and if anything was offensive, it was Rex Grossman's inability to do anything right. That bozo lost me money. The Bears should have taken the Colts over their knees and given them a spanking. Three defensive takeaways and a kickoff returned for a touchdown should be more than enough for any team to win.

Anyways, back to my point. If you're looking to be offended, you'll find something to be offended about. There was one commercial where some people were out in space and one guy gets killed by a comet. Don't you think that's insensitive to the families of those who lost loved ones who were astronauts? Or back to the Snickers commercial. To be manly, the men pulled out their chest hairs. Well, that's just racist. Are they implying that Asian men can't be manly (because Asian men don't grow chest hairs)? The audacity.

Then they had a GoDaddy commercial that I found the most offensive of all. While everyone else was working hard, the Marketing Department of GoDaddy were partying. So marketing gets to party while the rest of us work? That's not fair. I'm hurt. I'm suing. I'm going to make a Federal Case out of it.

Gay men have never had to prove their masculinity to me. I'm actually insulted that GLAAD and the HRC could actually see the public as that dumb. As a gun fanatic, I learned a lot of my shotgun technique from a bisexual man. I've shot side by side with Pink Pistols on many occasions. I've shared shooting tips with them all the time. One of the guys I used to do kickboxing/MMA with was a fruiter. Had better hand skills than I did, and wonderful footwork. I could take him on the groundwork though.

The thing is, who cares? People who get offended by everything suck. Take a chill pill GLAAD. Living in San Francisco, I've yet to run into a gay man who was offended by that dumb ad. I'm wondering who in the world GLAAD is supposed to represent.

My theories on GLAAD's secret identity

Okay, here are my possibilities of who GLAAD really are:
1) A bunch of Humanities Professors who sit around looking for things to get offended about (kind of like how Puritans stay up all night worrying that someone somewhere is having a good time),
2) Folks with guilt about how they treated gays in the past so they do everything they can, no matter how misguided, to make up for it,
3) A bunch of homophobes who are secretly trying to weaken the gay and lesbian communities so they don't survive the upcoming zombie plague.

I'm starting to think it's #3. Gays and lesbians could take care of themselves. Heck, gays in San Francisco are proven to make well over $10,000 a year more than straight men in San Francisco. Gay bashing comes from internal insecurities and bad family values. It does not come from dumb Snickers commercials. Saying it does is an insult to our intelligence.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The beauty in the girl next door

It seems that no matter how many times we tell you this, you don't believe us. We think you're beautiful, just the way you are. We know you are not perfect. We don't care. We love you for the whole package, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

We get blamed for your insecurities and it's not right. Sure there was that one guy who made fun of you in high school. But he's a goober. Why do you still let it bother you? Let it go.

So, we have magazines and movies that show women who are more beautiful than you. Let me let you in on a secret. It's fantasy. We know it's fantasy. You should too. You don't have six figure making make-up artists and hairstylists following you around where ever you go. Neither do you have a touch-up artist covering up every mole, stretch mark, zit, and other imperfection you may have. Nor do you have a professional photographer or camera man who knows how to shoot all the right angles. These girls aren't real. They are fantasy. They're about as real as The Lord of the Rings movies.

We figured that out in high school. Well, some of us it took longer, but you know what I mean.

You know what we think? It's those d**** women's magazines. They're always telling you that you need to be thinner; that you need to buy such and such product and you have to have such and such an attitude to attract men. Spoiled horseradish, we say. The sooner you dump those rags, the sooner you'll feel better about yourself. Except Vanity Fair. That does have some interesting articles and interviews. And your cooking mags. We've enjoyed a lot of the recipes you've cooked from those. And your trashy romance novels. We love the cute smiles you get when you finish reading one of them.

When all is said and done, we married you - because you are the most beautiful of them all. You make us laugh. You make us feel. And best of all, when we think of you, we get warm and fuzzy inside.