Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween

I've been trying to do new things with potatoes, because they're so easy to grow and provide just about every nutrient except for Vitamin A. The last thing I did with them was cut them into fries and wok them. They actually turned out pretty good.

Mrs. Z has a new job. Her boss is cool. Her boss loves dressing up very professionally, but still likes bands like Slayer, who sing pretty songs the whole family could sing along with like "Mandatory Suicide," "War Ensemble," and "Dissident Aggressor."

The three of us have been playing Pirates of the Spanish Main and I've been decimated every time I play. Mrs. Z and Junior have won every game. We'll be doing a lot of gaming when the zombies come, anything to keep morale up. I'm sure I'll lose most of my cigarette rations while playing poker. Yeah, I know, I don't smoke, but believe me, a lot of us non-smokers will start when the compound gets surrounded.

Back to food, the first frost will come soon and will kill all our tomato plants. We just let them die and their seeds fall into the ground and will come back next year. We also cut the tops off of carrots and stick them in the soil. Soon, you'll have carrots growing as well. There's your Vitamin A. With potatoes, you simply take those potatoes with growth that you'd normally throw out and bury them under an inch or two of dirt. Soon, you'll have potato plants. They may be ugly but they produce. We'll definitely have a nice greenhouse in the compound.

I start work tomorrow at my new job. Hope all is cherry with you all. Have a Happy Halloween. Remember, if you see a zombie today, don't shoot them in the head because it's just a kid in make-up. If you see one tomorrow however, you know what to do.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Hot American Babe - Alicia Keys, 2 Rants + a pair of jokes

Dave introduced me to a lot of different music, outside the realm of Heavy Metal. For the record, I didn't like most of it. Sorry Dave. I did try. I could stomach one of Coldplay's albums. I can't stand any Radiohead after OK Computer. Dave Matthews, eh...

I don't see why people rant and rave over U2. They put out two good albums (Achtung Baby and Joshua Tree) and a few good singles from their other albums, but that's as much as I could stomach from them. I really, really liked Achtung Baby, so I'll give them props for that. I hate Bono though. The guy needs to be slapped.

However, Alicia Keys I liked. Dave had her Unplugged and another one, forgot the title, and I liked them both. I especially liked Unplugged, for she really got soulful with that album. It also highlighted her voice. The other album highlighted her songwriting and piano skills (which are good things, but her voice is pretty good).

Ms Keys has quite a body as well. So don't worry friends, she's getting the memo. When the zombies come, she'll be safe. That Doors t-shirt will have to go though. Ms Keys, I'm buying you a Judas Priest t-shirt and I'll have it ready when you arrive.

Now for the rant 1

Laura wrote a wonderful essay on advertising degrading women. She included a few ads. The ones that really stuck out to me were the Valentino ad (abuse against women is neither sexy nor cool, so whatever Valentino sells, I won't be buying it) and that purse ad with just the legs. That's just lame.

I don't get offfended at all by using sexual alluring images to sell. The Bacardi ad I found sexy because I used to drink and party a lot and this was exactly what I wanted to see when I partied.

I do not think viewing women is a bad thing, I think it's a good thing. But I am well aware of eating disorders because of self-esteem issues. Girls need to be taught from early ages that attraction is much more than physical attraction and any woman could be sexy. I posted an article a while back on what I consider sexy and if I'm not mistaken, not one of those things was a physical trait.

Real men can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. So you ladies, don't worry. The only guys you're losing are the ones you wouldn't want anyways. Trust me.

Playboy is fantasy. Jenny McCarthy explained that they touched up stretch marks, birth marks, skin discolorations, and even some moles. Her real body is not flawless like she is in Playboy.

In real life, women have stretch marks and other imperfections. Not every woman needs to have a body like Tyra Banks, just like not every man is going to have a body like Wesley Snipes. It is reality. Men have stretch marks too. We have hair that sprouts out in weird clumps and mutant hairs that grow bigger than the rest. As we get older, some of our muscle turns to flab and of course, the older we get, the farther we used to be able to hit a baseball.

So if you haven't yet, read Laura's post about advertising. It's an interesting read.

As for me, I will always love images of beautiful woman, but of course, they are taken with a grain of salt. I fully realize that those images are Photoshopped and before Photoshop, photographers physically touched up images. And once again, physical beauty is always nice, but sexiness is an attitude.

Rant 2

I really wanted to go off at Home Depot on my blog a few days ago, but found that Sadie Lou and my wife had something in common, bad customer service at Ross. I'm glad you wrote this piece Sadie. It needs to be said.

Oh, it's Friday

Being Friday, I can't end this post on a serious note. That said, I'll leave you with a few jokes. I'm going to be busy this weekend so not sure if I'll have time to blog or not. Either way, have a wonderful weekend all.

You have two potatoes. How do you tell which one is the prostitute?

It's the one marked "Idaho"

A black guy, a Ukranian, and a dude from the Czech Republic are bestest buddies. One weekend, they go on a camping trip. Well, come Monday, nobody's heard from them. So their families call the park rangers.

Well, the park rangers find some grim news. They track a male and a female bear and find that the female ate the black guy and the Ukranian. One park ranger turns to the other and says "I wonder what happened to the third guy."

The other park ranger replies "the Czech must be in the male."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Writing for an audience

Ben and I were talking the other day about blog formats. He likes to mix sports, pop culture, and politics. I try to do as much humor as I can, but throw in politics, hot babes, and movie reviews as well, plus random stuff. I was told by a lot of people that they like my movie reviews, so that's why I do them.

I love it when Vest writes about his war stories. It really is a shame that the reality is WWII Vets aren't getting any younger, and that a lot of these WWII stories will be lost forever unless people start putting them to print.

I'm barely old enough not to remember the end of the Vietnam War, and I didn't fight in Gulf War I, so all my war stories are second hand. The place where I'll be working is close to Port Chicago, the site of America's worst military accident ever. It's also close to where they stored Little Boy and Fat Man, the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki respectively. I really enjoy writing historical pieces, but noticed that of all my pieces, those ones have the smallest readership.

I've also found that some of my readers are quite young, so I've cleaned up my mouth and stopped using profanity entirely. I don't want to be the one who teaches your kids bad words. I've also made an effort to cut down on my profanity in everyday life as well, just to do it.

I've tried to write like Jason, but found it's a lot harder to write real life romance than I realized. My efforts have all been crap, so I scrapped them. Seriously, you wouldn't want to read them.

The other problem I'm having is it's been about three weeks since my 3rd Amendment piece in the Bill of Rights series. I'm having writer's block in that area.

Movie reviews and hot babe posts are the easiest for me to write. I barely edit them, and they usually take 10 minutes top.

My question for you is do you write for an audience, or for yourself, or both? And why do you blog in the first place? Cultureshocked asked me this question several months ago. I blog because I love to write, and a nice bonus is I've met some friends. I know three bloggers in person now, and plan to meet a bunch of the Northern California bloggers come spring time when our finances will be resolved and the storms end (our area floods big time, that's why we had the rat problem last year).

Plus, spring will open up more cool stuff for us to do. I'd really like to hit either the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, the Monterrey Bay Aquarium, or Great America and would love to go with a good sized group.

Anyways, why do you blog? And if you have an audience that you write for, who is it? Friends? Family? A geographic area?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Bad customer service

I've waited tables for years, and really notice when customer service is bad, whether it's at a restaurant or if I'm waiting in line at a grocery store. Bad customer service really makes me angry, because it's the fault of management. I've been fortunate to have good managers over the years waiting tables who explained how to handle different scenarios, including angry customers.

When someone walks into a restaurant, immediately make eye contact. If you're busy, greet them and say you'll be right with them. Resuming a conversation with your workmate will only cause them to get angry and I'd often walk right out the restaurant and take my money elsewhere.

I'll gladly pay for good customer service. That's why I shop at Raley's. At Raley's, when I come in, they say "How are you doing today, Mr. Zombieslayer?" and smile at me. I like that. Sure, I could save money shopping elsewhere, but they not only call me by name but they have simple courtesy.

I don't get that at Albertson's or Ralph's. Funny thing is, this isn't just a Chico thing. This includes the times in Santa Barbara/Goleta and also the San Francisco Bay Area. I get the feeling that Raley's is one of the few grocery stores that make their managers actually train their employees to be polite. So even if the bill will come out 10% higher than somewhere else, I'll go where I'm treated well.

Now, the one place I want to shame is Home Depot. I've never had decent customer service there. Do this. Walk into a Home Depot and grab a bunch of boards to cut. Watch. It will appear that you suddenly turn invisible.

This didn't just happen to me. My cousin had a bunch of boards to cut and one of their employees told her to operate the cutting machine, then went right back to a conversation with another employee.

Then the other night, I was with my real estate agent helping his buddy fix up his house to put on the market and we had a talk about bad customer service. Guess which store came up immediately?

Now OSH doesn't have the best prices, but the customer service is wonderful. So we shop there. If you're carrying a bunch of boards, they don't run away from you and hide like Home Depot employees. They actually help you. So I take my money there.

Okay folks, let it all out. Anyone you like? Anyone you hate? I'm wondering if anyone else has similar experiences while shopping, and noticed who has good customer service and who doesn't.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Medical Marijuana

Yo Savage, missed Spoken Word tonight because just now getting home from the final interview. I'll find out about this one by eod Wednesday. It's a $30,000 raise over the last job, which is exactly what I demanded from the last job or I told them I'd walk. Well, walk I did because they couldn't meet that. I'm really mad at the last company now. Long story though, maybe another day.

Anyways, on the ride home, picked up a hitchhiker named "Billy Ray." Contrary to popular opinion, the average American is smarter than people realize if you're willing to give him or her a chance.

Billy Ray does landscaping. We talked about the woes of being working class and how The Man uses illegals to undercut us. (It's not fair for the illegals either because companies don't have to follow worker safety laws - that's why you had the grape deaths this summer).

What I really got out of it though was how callously he mentioned he had throat cancer. He's just now getting it worked on and he says how much the treatment sucks. He's losing weight and throwing up all the time. He has no appetite either.

So we discussed options. Chinese medicine is great for colds, allergies, and torn ligaments, but ineffective against cancer. We have the most awesome Chinese medicine guru in town. The guy is a wizard. Any ailment, he'll get rid of for under $20 without the harmful side effects of Western medicine. Of course, as I said, not cancer though.

One of the drugs doctors have prescribed Billy Ray is Vicadin, to deal with his broken rib. The problem with Vicadin is it makes him throw up occasionally, adding to his weight loss.

So we discussed medical marijuana. I'm not very fond of pot, seeing that it makes good folks lazy. One of my former roommates became a pothead and it sickens me to see his high I.Q. wasted as he lives in the slums and occasionally bums money off his mother for food instead of programming at a well-known cell-phone company where he worked back when he was clean.

But for Billy Ray, what could be better? The guy has already been given a 65% chance of living. He has a broken rib. He barely has an appetitie. Give the guy some medical pot, I say. That would help alleviate the pain, give the guy his appetite back, and have less side effects than Vicadin, besides being lazy. Well, forget I mentioned the lazy thing because he's going to be at home recovering anyways, so that's not even an issue.

The other thing he and I discussed was State's Rights and the 10th Amendment. We think the Feds coming in and muscling California for its medical marijuana laws is a gross violation of the 10th.

I know there are other problems with marijuana, like it impairs judgement and shouldn't be done when operating a vehicle. Well, for the record, Billy Ray owns a bike. As much as I walk, I'm really not worried about some stoned guy on a bike hitting me. I doubt I'd even lose a hit point, considering that a stoned guy on a bike is not going to be going very fast.

Regardless, I thought the whole discussion was funny. Here was a hippie looking fellow talking about The Man screwing over working class Americans, the 10th Amendment, and medical marijuana to a guy in a suit and tie (I had just finished my interview). That's just so Northern California though.

I'm still here

Finished up with all but one interview and already got offers. I've been in about five cities in five days, and had internet connection for a total of about one hour. After I get this all settled, I'll be back to normal.

Hope all is good with you. I hope you're happy Ben. My Packers blew a 17-0 lead and lost in the final seconds by a 56-yard field goal. :(

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Fascism vs Zombieslayer style Nationalism

One problem with Americans is they throw around words without knowing what they really mean. For example, you will hear Leftists call someone they disagree with all the time "a fascist." Or you will hear Rightists call someone they disagree with "a communist."

I already did my piece on why communism is bad. I now want to show you that there's a huge difference between my brand of American Nationalism and fascism.

First, we have to come to the root of the term fascism to understand what a fascist is. Fascism was developed by Benito Mussolini in Italy. The term simply means "corporate state." It's when corporations are in line with the State, worker groups are suppressed, as are dissenting viewpoints. It's a populist movement, where the people trade in their Freedoms for order and give away their Rights as workers as well for the promise of prosperity.

Now right away, you can see a huge difference between my brand of Nationalism and Fascism.

Fascists are highly against dissenting media. I'm all in favor of as much media as possible. The more the merrier. Note that I've always encouraged Third Parties. I also encourage people to read opposing viewpoints to their own, which at best will open their mind to something new. At worst, it cements why you think that guy's an idiot.

Fascists not always, but often need a scapegoat to persecute, often manifested in a race or a religious group. When I talk of Americans, I include everyone born in America or good people who become citizens through legal immigration. I don't care what color, religion, or whatever you are. You're all Americans to me, and I'd actually prefer you to drop the prefix in front of American and just call yourself "American."

Fascism won't work if non-fascists had firearms. In fascist states, only the members of the fascist party or sometimes only the police were allowed to own firearms. I don't think I need to explain how I feel about gun ownership again.

Fascists are in bed with corporations. I'm a Teddy-style trust buster because I like to keep business flowing.

Fascists hate organized labor. I strongly believe that the fight between labor and the capitalists is a good thing. When capitalists have too much power, labor gets exploited. When labor has too much power, nothing gets done.

So fascists and the Zombieslayer do not get along. They want to control you. I want you to be empowered. They want to decide what is best for you. I trust you to make your own decisions as an adult.

Fascists don't like a concept of guaranteed Freedoms like the Bill of Rights. They want a strong, centralized State. I want America to be what it was supposed to be - a Republic. Always remember when Benjamin Franklin was asked by an unknown woman what kind of government they decided on, Franklin replied "a Repubic - if you can keep it."

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Home Sweet Home

I'm going to be online sporatically the whole next week, so just warning you in advance. I hope to have a few days where I can write and actually do some blogging, but no promises. It's not a hiatus, it's more taking care of what needs to be taken care of.

Several things went wrong with the move to Santa Barbara. My brother and I were planning on buying a fixer-upper house together in Goleta. We knew an old man who had a slew of rental homes, and we were planning on buying one from him, fixing it up, living it in two years, and selling it. We would have netted a nice wad of cash that would have been the down payment on the land & fortress.

Well, as my luck had it, the guy was already on the edge of sanity. He lost it right before I got there, so we had to abort the whole plan.

It was a tough three months, staying in a house where when you turn the shower faucet on, hundreds of ants would come out. I had to kill spiders on a daily basis and one night alone, killed two off of my back before they could sink their teeth into my skin.

I expected his houses to be in bad condition, but not that bad. They were falling apart, literally. Plus, he didn't want to talk to anyone, not even me.

We ended up losing a lot of money coming down to Santa Barbara. No regrets though. I'm just glad to be back in Northern California. Plus Junior met some real cool friends over the past few weeks. I'd hate to make him move again and start making friends all over.

The sad thing is because of this, we put off Mrs. Z's return to college for yet another semester. I really feel bad that all these years, she's sacrificed her goal of going to college for my career, a career I don't even like.

At work, I gave them an ultimatum. $30k raise or I walk. They told me they couldn't afford to do that, so I walked.

On the way home, I was supposed to pick someone up who offered to pay cash for gas money. Like a typical Californian, he flaked out. I had no money whatsoever, so I had to pay a $20 fine for having no cash going over the bridge on the way home. Thankfully, my Saturn gets excellent gas mileage, so I made it home.

Folks, there really is nothing like home. Sometimes you have leave home to fully appreciate it. Mrs. Z and I are heading over to the coffee place and we're going to chill and I'll actually be able to visit your blogs. Yeah. I missed you all. Tootles for now.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

An interesting quote about illegal immigration

I had the pleasure of meeting one of the best Spoken Word artists out there today. His name is Kyle and he's running a wonderful Spoken Word performance in Chico, CA. He used to compete in poetry slams around the country and has been a prominent member in some very good teams.

I performed there in Chico many times, doing live what you read in print. It's actually meant to be performed live, because honestly, I'm a performer just as much as a writer. I first started doing it in Houston, with another incredibly talented Spoken Word artist who unfortunately has no webpage to link to.

When I was a musician, the show was just as important as the music. Not taking anything away from the music, but we were completely over the top, dressed up and made up like undead while playing speed metal music. I used to play twenty-one notes per second and stole stage tricks (besides lighting my guitar on fire, I could never do that to a good guitar) from Jimi Hendrix.

Kyle is the same way. He has a stage presence to him and a booming voice. If someone talks during his show, no problem, he talks louder, and they're forced to shut up because his lungs are bigger than theirs. They'll eventually give up. He's also a former heavyweight boxer, so that helps too.

He and I don't agree on everything. He's considerably more Left than I, but it's all good. I have no problem with someone disagreeing with me, as long as they did their research. Nothing more annoying than someone with an opinion who doesn't know what they're talking about.

The following quote is his, although I edited out the profanity. Although I am very much against a borderless world, the part about American Agricultural workers is right on. Farmers used to make this kind of money until corporate farming which relies on illegals destroyed the American family farms (and much of the environment with it).

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION: I believe that America draws great strength from the myriad of peoples that make up her populace. I personally despise mono-cultures. However I don't think we are helping anybody by allowing illegal immigration to continue. Wages and benefits are supressed when illegals take jobs. Being an Agricultural worker SHOULD BE one of the highest paying labor jobs there is. It is hard !@#$%^& work, and anybody doing it should be making a minimum of 50k a year, as long as there is an illegal workforce (and criminal employers) willing to do the job for less than it is worth, the proper wage will never be paid. In addition the nations that "Export" illegal workers are losing in the bargin as well. There is no pressure on them to reform their political and economic systems as they can always let off steam by encouraging their extra-hungry mouths to feed to cross the border. I believe that the world SHOULD BE BORDERLESS. That would be a wonderful thing. But until Labor, Safety, and enviromental laws become Universal and accepted by ALL nations, a borderless world is not possible. Still it is something to strive for.

By the way, one word of warning, his site is sometimes R-rated, so if you plan on checking it out, keep that in mind.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Hot English Babe - Keira Knightley + Bonus

It is a big myth that men are crazy about women with big hoo hoos. Sure they grab your attention, but will they hold it? Anna Nicole Smith opened her mouth once and I'll never look at her the same way. And Keira Knightley is pretty much flat chested, yet which guy in the right mind isn't crazy about her?

I first saw her in one of my favorite movies of recent, Pirates of the Caribbean. Youza! Elizabeth Swann. Will Turner, no wonder you spent your entire life making swords. Anything to keep your mind off Miss Swann, right?

I love Captain Jack Sparrow's line about there being a girl, but poor Will not having the skill to woo her. Well, trust me, had I been in Will Turner's shoes, lower class or not, Elizabeth Swann would have been Elizabeth Zombieslayer faster than you can say "Parley" five times.

In a few more weeks, I will be able to drink alcohol again. And when I do, I'll raise my Piña Colada with Caribbean rum to you Ms Knightley, for you have already agreed to two more Pirate of the Caribbean movies - one more as Elizabeth Swann, and one as Elizabeth Turner.

Oh, you noticed that too. You're wondering where I found that out? I'm good.

One more thing, in honor of Cultureshocked (if he ever comes out of retirement), an English joke to accompany said country's hot babe. You want to hear a bad English joke?

English cuisine.


An update about Scary Chinese Lady. Turns out she's actually Vietnamese, sold that place, moved back to Vietnam for a bit, and bought another place. One of my co-workers lives by the new place she works. He went in there with a huge to-go order and an American Express card. She had not one, but two American Express signs on the door.

So he goes in there to pick up his order:
Scary Chinese Lady: No American Express
Dude: Well, you have a sign on the door-
Scary Chinese Lady: No American Express
Dude: Fine (gets up and leaves the order without paying for it)

A few weeks later, his wife goes into the restaurant to get some Pho.
Scary Chinese Lady: Where your husband?
Dude's wife: At work
Scary Chinese Lady: Why your husband no come back here?

I just thought that was hilarious.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


I have writer's block. I've had it for a week now. It's not true writer's block because I could still whip out other posts, but I've been meaning to write up something about the Fourth Amendment for two weeks now and just can't do it. I really liked what I did with the Third Amendment and wanted to follow up a piece that is on par with it.

The Fourth is one of the most important Amendments to our Constitution and it's the one that has been weakened the most. That's why I'm looking very closely at President Bush's Supreme Court decisions. We need to see this Amendment restored.

So if you're wondering what ever happened to my Bill of Rights series, I'm trying not to neglect it. I just have writer's block.

In the meantime, I saw Serenity last night. Zombie Lama loved it, and I got some instant messages from people telling me I needed to see it. So see it I did. Here's my review...

Serenity was a story of the Alliance, a collection of planets settled by Earthlings, and its government that tries to be a Tipper Gore happy happy joy joy it's for your own good totalitarian state. Only, two big problems. One - not everyone wants to be told what to do. Two - there are sci-fi zombie boogeymen out there that the Alliance swears up and down don't exist, even though too many people already know better.

This is another movie that has so much going on that different interpretations are possible. Mine? I saw a love story. No, not some hokey boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back crap, but a brother's unconditional love for his sister. A brother who would risk death (and much worse) to free his "special" sister from bondage, a sister who is almost literally a walking time-bomb.

And a man who loves his ship. At first, I didn't like the Captain. But as the story progressed, I really felt for the guy. Here was a guy who's too complex to dismiss after first impression.

One thing you ladies will love is that the women characters actually have real roles and good lines. And depth. And character. And a lot of heart.

I'm not sure who Joss Wheedon is, but the guy could write. He wrote and directed this flick and did a wonderful job at both. Whomever he is, I'm going to do a backlog of his stuff and do some serious renting.

Wheedon directs the movie like a movie should be directed. No big name stars, yet nobody flubs their roles. The editing was superb as well and maybe Terry Gilliam needs to hire the guy who edited this flick.

Ten dead zombies. Keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who loves fantasy, is indifferent about sci-fi, and the movie didn't have gratuitous nudity (which we all know the Zombieslayer is a huge fan of). Go see it while it's still in the theaters.

By the way, one thing you will notice is that they used 20th century firearms. There's a reason for that. No matter how hi-tech we get, nothing will beat the reliability of a good old shotgun and a six-shooter.

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Third Wheel

I know your bestest buddy and her boyfriend are just swell. I'm not denying that. I know you love hanging out with them, and that they not only make you laugh so hard your eyes water, they're even your primary inspiration for when it comes to writing. Any way you slice it though, you're the third wheel.

In private circumstances, that's fine. But in public, it's usually not. Take for instance you're in a restaurant cracking up at their spontaneous humor and having a whale of a time, when you see someone of the opposite sex that is absolutely hot.

That someone sees you and immediately recognizes your situation. You're the third wheel. Right away to that special someone, a big L appears on your forehead. In this case, it's not all good.

So scratch that idea right now of getting a number. If you do manage to get a number, it will be a random number they make up on the spot. Unless of course they feel sorry for you, but that's not a good way to start a relationship. Think Back to the Future how Michael J. Fox's parents met because his mother felt sorry for his father. We all know where that relationship went.

And lastly, when the zombies come, and you're the third wheel, well, nothing personal but your needs come last. The Zombieslayer Institute of Technology has even found some past instances of couples pushing a third wheel in the direction of the zombies to make their escape that much easier. Not a situation you want to be in.

So the next time your bestest buddy takes you out, you have three options. One, make sure it's just you and her. Two, get a fourth person. Or three, pretend you're sick. Of course you don't want to ruin a good friendship, but then again you never want to be a third wheel in public.

Another friendly tip from your friend and mine, The Zombieslayer.

Friday, October 07, 2005


I look forward to three Holidays every year - Halloween, Christmas, and New Year's Day. Love all three. Since it's October, I'll share with you a Zombieslayer family tradition, dummies.

We have a dummy named Stinky Jone. Right now, he's in a box collecting dust. We'll have to put him together and set him up to frighten kids.

Stinky was a regular guy. He drank beer and watched TV after a hard day's work. One day, Athgar came along and shot him for no reason. So now he's decomposing in his lawn chair with a half-empty can of Bud. We stick him on the porch to frighten the little kiddies. It's funny to see them approach the house cautiously, like Stinky might suddenly jump out of his chair and grab them.

Anyways, if I have time, I'll build a second dummy and name this one Harold. Of course with each dummy comes a personality. Here are some fun facts about Harold.

1) Harold has three eyes.
2) Covers up the third eye with a band-aid. Tells everyone it's a zit.
3) Harold has a horrible case of dyslexia, which is so bad he rarely gets second dates.
4) Chicks for some strange reason don't like to be called Ynnej, Asil, and Arabrab.
5) When Harold was eighteen, Pops told him it was time to quit school and get a job.
6) So Harold quit re-trying the 3rd grade and went to look for work.
7) Pops spontaneously combusted later on that year.
8) Mom did the year before.
9) Aunt Mildred almost made it to her 40th birthday before spontaneously combusting
10) Uncle Elmer did before he could impregnate Mildred, so that part of the tree never reproduced.
11) Harold has massive buck teeth.
12) He tells everyone Gramps was a beaver.
13) Gramps spontaneously combusted before Harold was born, so he has no idea if Pops was telling the truth or not.
14) A giant, prehistoric shark tried to eat Harold once.
15) Spit him out.
16) The shark was found dead an hour later.
17) I'm glad I was able to interview Harold yesterday, because today he called in sick.
18) Said he had a 121 degree fever.

By the way, when I'm in Congress, one of the first things I'm going to do is try to get Halloween a national holiday. On Halloween, folks should be working on their costumes, not being bored out of their mind in a classroom or watching the clock while sitting in a cubicle.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Taking advantage of cronyism

I'm not even going to get mad at the Harriet Miers nomination. Why bother? I will do my part and write Boxer to let her know she's way underqualified for the position. (Feinstein and The Zombieslayer hate each other so I won't bother writing her).

Instead of getting mad, I'll share something with you. The future.

Jeb will be President in 2012. Scary thought, I know, but this is why.

The economy sucks. It sucks so much that unless the Democrats do something stupid like nominate Clinton or Kerry for their person, they'll win in a landslide. Of course, the Democrats will have all these ideas, but do nothing. As America continues to export its middle class everywhere else and looks the other way as illegals come in and undercut the working class, the economy will continue to suck, traffic will get worse, hospitals will close, strip malls and suburbs will replace more family farms, etc.

It will look so bad that Jeb will blame it all on the Democrats, even though it's both of their faults. So as the Democratic candidate wins in a landslide in 2008, Jeb wins in a landslide in 2012.

Which is where you come in.

Move to Florida. Give two weeks notice at your job (don't want to burn any bridges), and sell your house. Sell everything you own on Ebay, and just go. Just don't bring your bike. Sell that too. Florida for some odd reason has four of the top five cities for killing bike riders. Wonder why.

After you've moved (it's cheap living by the way so you can afford it), find out where Jeb plays golf. With all that money you made on Ebay, get a membership there. Get all your friends to get memberships.

Learn to caddy. Caddy for your friends. Have all your friends boast really loudly of how good of a caddy you are. Eventually, word would get around to Jeb that you're the best caddy in the whole !@#$%^& club and he'll approach you to be his caddy. There you go.

So, when the Democrats flounder in 2012 and Jeb becomes President, he'll need a cabinet. Guess who he picks as Secretary of State? That's right. You. After all, you were his caddy. What other qualifications does a Secretary of State need?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Pho and Scary Chinese Lady

Laura's post mentioning a hangover and Slade's post about Asian women and nails reminded me of Scary Chinese Lady, an infamous female version of Seinfeld's Soup Nazi.

Now, not everyone knows what Pho is so I'll explain. It's simply a Vietnamese noodle soup cooked with beef broth and magic. It's so magic, that it was the very first meal my buddy ordered when he got out of Huntsville. He called it "healing." I've never been to prison, so I'll take his word for it. I just know that if you have either a bad stomach or a hang-over, order a bowl of Pho and you'll be cherry.

I talked about Ramona, the smart girl who played down her intelligence to attract men, awhile ago. See, I have a problem. I don't know what is strange to people when it comes to food.

I hate brains. They have a horribly bitter aftertaste that beer will only make worse. The only way to get the taste of brains out of your mouth is to eat something like ginger candy that is strong in the opposite way.

I hate bile. It's almost as bitter. Why people cook with bile I have no idea.

I won't eat genitals. So if you order Rocky Mountain oysters or anything like that, I'll watch you eat them, but I won't partake myself.

Beef tongue is delicious if cooked right. Earthworms look gross, so I never even bothered trying them. They're what I put on my fishing hook. Why would I eat them?

I used to love octopus until I found out how intelligent those goofy looking dudes are. Sea snails are delicious, but jellyfish and sea cucumber are both horrible. Imagine chewing on a tire coated with sugar and you have jellyfish. Sea cucumbers are easier to chew, but taste like jellyfish without the sugar.

Tripe to me though isn't weird. It's normal. So I take Ramona to a Chinese/Vietnamese restaurant in Santa Barbara and order Pho for her. She looks into her food and says, "Zombieslayer, I'm never going to let you order for me again."

That restaurant that I took her to was the only place in Santa Barbara you could buy Pho from. Hey Thom, ever been to Saigon City in Bellevue? Best Pho I've ever had.

Anyways, it was run by Scary Chinese Lady. If you run into anyone who's been in Santa Barbara for more than five years, ask them about Scary Chinese Lady. She's a legend here.

She's the one who ran the Chinese/Vietnamese restaurant. Just like Seinfeld's Soup Nazi, you better know your order right away. If you don't, she screams at you. Don't stutter either. That's no excuse. If you stutter, have your buddy order for you.

She's so scary that sometimes you mess up your order, even though you practiced in advance. She has a way of doing that to people. She makes you nervous. She senses weakness and exploits it. And if you screw up, she screams at you. That's the price you had to pay if you wanted Pho in Santa Barbara.

But not anymore. Ha ha. Sygyzy discovered a new restaurant in the next town down (actually up - Goleta). It not only serves Pho, it's better than Scary Chinese Lady's place.

It's also clean. See, that's one thing that a lot of Asian restaurants don't understand. Americans like clean. A lot of Americans don't care if the food is authentic or not. We'd rather eat in a place that's clean than a place that's authentic. That's why when you walk into Sammy Wo's in San Francisco, you rarely see non-Asians. Excellent Chinese food, but it looks like a Third World country in there.

So goodbye Scary Chinese Lady. I'm never going to buy pho from you again, for thanks to Sygyzy, you're no longer the pho monopoly. Ha ha. The joke's on you now, Scary Chinese Lady.

Movie Review - Brothers Grimm

I'm a big fan of Terry Gilliam. I loved Monty Python and really enjoyed Brazil and Twelve Monkeys. So needless to say, I had a few expectations coming into this film.

The Grimm Brothers in this tale are con artists, taking advantage of local superstitions with elaborate costumes, wires, and gags. The two brothers pretend to rid a town of ghosts while they secretly have two other performers help them rig the whole shebang.

After ridding the town of the fake nuisance, they become heroes. Their luck changes however when they come across a real undead queen.

I loved the sets. The sets get ten dead zombies. I'll probably buy this DVD just to take some scribbles of the sets.

The movie though sucked. None of the dialogue was memorable. The character development never really developed and the editing just didn't seem right. I can't dislike the movie because it was so visually neat.

Yet another reason I hate the rating system, the movie had a PG-13 rating. I'm not faulting Gilliam and company by any means for they have no control of the rating. But you got to see the ripped-up top half of a man, two beheaded people, and a some very brutal deaths as well as cruel medieval torture. Also a few young girls get captured in situations young children shouldn't see, like one girl getting swallowed by a horse.

Some parents brought in their three-year-old kid and the kid was squirming the whole movie, literally ducking his head so he couldn't see over the chair in front of him. Nice going MPAA, you jack***es.

It's worth seeing as a matinee or when it comes on cable, just to see the superb Bavarian fantasy scenery. I strongly caution not letting young children seeing this though. Too bad Gilliam didn't do a better job with it, for it was a wonderful concept. Five dead zombies

Favre rules by the way. Just wanted to let you know. Sure the Packers lost last night, but they fought hard until the very end.

Monday, October 03, 2005

On communism

During the Cold War, I had relatives from two countries on the other side of the Iron Curtain. I felt bad for them and hoped we'd never have a nuclear war for I'd feel bad if we killed them. I knew in my heart they were wonderful people, even though I only knew them by last names.

I was greatly relieved when the Cold War ended. It was wonderful to read interviews with Russian musicians, artists, ballet dancers, and of course, Mikhail Timofeevich Kalashnikov, one of my heroes. For the record, heavy metal bands were the first to play in the Iron Curtain, and good people from former communist countries to this day still like metal for they were thankful that metalheads were the first to accept and welcome them. Yet another reason to hate Tipper Gore.

I got plenty chances to meet good people from former communist nations, many of whom old enough to remember those days. I coax stories out of them every chance I get and they confirm what I've always known. Communism is evil.

For one, communism allows no sense of humor. It takes awhile to make a former Communist laugh. You have to first convince them that you won't hold it against them, for they knew that while you and I will lose our jobs for violations of political correctness (creeping communism), they'd end up in jail. So just add alcohol and the tensions disappear. You can see them loosen up a little bit more with each drink.

For another, when everyone's equal, and when everybody is somebody, then nobody is anybody. And of course some people are more equal than others, i.e., the more aligned you are with the Communist Party, the higher you go up. Everyone's the same, and there's no incentive to do anything. Why work hard when the guy who sits around and picks his nose all day gets the same amount of credit that you do.

So everything cool goes black market. They ration things (for your own good, remember, every Right we'll ever lose will either be for our own good or to "protect the children") so if you need more things, whatever they may be, you'll just have to find them black market. Just don't get caught.

And lastly, I am an environmentalist. If you want to see wanton environmental destruction, look no further than China or the former Soviet Union. In the U.S.S.R., entire rivers were diverted, taking one area and making it productive, while taking an other area and turning it into desert. Eastern Europe has some of the worst air quality in the world under Communism and is only now cleaning up its act.

Sure, we're not perfect, but here's the challenge. Would you rather go skinny dippin' in an American river or an Eastern European river back when the Iron Curtain was still up? I sure hope nobody chooses the latter.

I'll do the government murder stats later. That's an entirely different post, but Communists definitely have the worst numbers in that department. Communist dictators only care about human life when said human life agrees 100% with them.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Two hot American singers and a tag

I remember the very first time I heard Lauryn Hill. I was delivering pizza with the radio on. My tapes kept melting in the hot sun, so I only listened to the radio back then. Suddenly, I heard an angel's voice sing:

Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song.

I remember that as a song from the 70s. I liked the way Ms Hill sang it better. Although I'm not a fan of that kind of music (my wife is, I prefer metal), I loved the Fugees version of it and blasted it every time it came on the radio.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that she was pleasant on the eyes as well as the ears. What a pretty face, and what a body! Here's Lauryn Hill. I know she's done some solo work, so no idea if she's still with the Fugees or not. Like I said, not my kind of music.

That same year, one of my buddy's introduced me to Tori Amos. I loved her first album and got a chance to see her live during the Boys for Pele tour. Wow, what a voice she had as well. It was so crisp, clean, and passionate. Also, when I think about her song Winter, I think of a girl I used to love dearly.

I can't take a steady dose of Tori though. She just got more weird with each album and I can't even stomach anything recent, but I'll always love Little Earthquakes.

* * * * *

And I got tagged by Bsoholic, so I decided to add it to this post since I have no singer jokes.

the rules:
1. go into your archive.
2. find your 23rd post.
3. find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. tag five other people to do the same.

And here is the fifth sentence of my 23rd post:
"Oh yeah," I answer back. "I forgot that."

I won't tag anyone but if anyone wants to take this tag, feel free.