Friday, September 30, 2005

Friday joke

It's Friday. Time for either a hot babe post or a quick joke. I think this friday will be the latter.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees a guy with an uncomfortable look standing by the bathroom door. He goes up to the bartender and says "what's with that guy?"

"Oh, he was having coughing fits and they were so bad, he was afraid he'd throw his back out again."

"Then why is he by the bathroom door?"

"I gave him a bottle of laxatives and told him to drink it."

"You gave him a bottle of laxatives for a coughing fit?"

"Yeah, it works. Look, he's now afraid to cough."

Thursday, September 29, 2005

51 things about the Zombieslayer

1. I'm always hungry
2. I've changed states three times in the past five years and in that time, we've lived in both Northern and Southern CA
3. Every move we made in the past five years was done with less than a month's planning
4. My parents are still married
5. I can throw a football with extreme accuracy to twenty yards, and hit my favorite receiver (my younger brother) more often than not when throwing a bomb
6. I laughed when they made a big deal out of Adam Sandler throwing forty yards
7. I'm happy when I hit a baseball into the outfield
8. I'm proud of my cooking skills
9. I boxed, but never had the eyesight to be any good
10. So I took up wrestling instead
11. I never bought a cigarette, but if you smoke, I'll join you
12. To this day, I still enjoy top ramen
13. I can't read the bass clef fast enough on the piano so I just hit octaves with my left hand to keep up with my right
14. The funny thing is, most people don't notice
15. I've never been to Alaska
16. My wife has been bugging me to take her for years now
17. I can't play the guitar solos I wrote 15 years ago anymore
18. But I play bass today better than I did 15 years ago
19. Double standards piss me off, regardless of which way they go
20. I'm registered Green, just to keep a fourth party on the ballot
21. I use a fake name when I reserve a table at a restaurant
22. I know three other bloggers in person so far.
23. I'm hoping to meet more of you soon
24. I didn't have credit card debt until my job was outsourced
25. I will always be obsessed with fantasy everything
26. But I have yet to read a fantasy book besides Harry Potter and C.S. Lewis
27. I wish I had someone to play Dungeons and Dragons with
28. One of my best friends I've ever had told me I dance like a white boy
29. She insulted white boys by saying that
30. I didn't realize she was dying when I knew her
31. To this day, I wish I told her I loved her
32. I'm still crazy about my wife
33. I'm proud of my son
34. If I had to choose between movies, music, or books, I'd take music
35. I'll never forgive Tipper Gore, ever
36. I know what kind of women I attract and what kind I don't
37. My favorite album of the 2000s is Nightwish's Once
38. I have pieces of what will be a dark-ride in boxes in my garage
39. My next project is an animatronic baby dragon
40. I have yet to start it
41. I saw Tori Amos once in San Francisco rollerblading
42. Randy Rhoads is still my fav guitarist
43. I miss Freddie Mercury
44. My favorite football player ever was James Lofton
45. Second is either Lynn Dickey or Brett Favre
46. I was crazy about another woman when I met my wife
47. The other woman hated guns
48. Shooting pumpkins is one of my favorite things to do
49. I'm secure about every aspect of myself, except for my dancing skills and my lack of a baseball swing
50. Did I mention I'm a horrible dancer and can't hit a baseball?
51. I still have faith in the human race

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Hats off to Chris

Hats off to Chris, who remains vigilant in fighting Kelo vs City of New London.

In case you haven't heard of the case, in a nutshell, it's saying that if a corporation wants your property because it could make them and the city more revenue, they could use the power of Eminent Domain against you. It gives way too much power to the Federal Government and to corporations at the expense of you and me.

The Fifth Amendment is supposed to prevent Eminent Domain abuse by saying it could only use it for public use. A corporation making a strip mall where your house used to be is not public use.

So like many of us, I contacted Senator Boxer (D-CA) and my Congressman with Chris' pre-written letter. Senator Boxer replied saying that she co-sponsored S.1313, which is a Senate Bill which will hopefully become the Protection of Homes, Small Businesses, and Private Property Act of 2005.

If you had already contacted your Congressman or Congresswoman and your Senators, hats off to you. If not, I urge you to do so and tell them to support S.1313.

The next step is to get those Justices that voted for it impeached and their private land stolen from them using Kelo vs New London on them. Now, that would be justice.

Chris, this friday night I toast my Seven-Up to you (not drinking for a few more weeks, but that's an another story). Senator Boxer, thank you for your reply and for being on our side on this issue against The Man.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


I know some of you after school or work are going home and working in your labs to attempt to design a superpower for yourself. Before you waste all that time and energy, let me give you a few pointers for the superpower you're working on when the zombie plague hits.

For one, your superpower might be cool and all, but will it be useless in the war against the undead? You need to keep that in mind.

For example, being invisible would rock. Two things go against it in real life though. For one, zombies can still smell you. I don't care what brand deodorant you use. When the going gets tough, there's no way you'll be able to mask it all. In fact, you'll be worse off because you'll be depending on your deodorant to hide your smell from zombies when you should be depending on your survival skills.

Another thing about invisibility - you have to be naked. If it's sunny, you'll get sunburned in areas you don't want to get sunburned. If it's raining (Thom, this is directed especially at you), you might catch pneumonia. If it's snowing, well, you get the point.

Super strengh is nice and all, but even if you could throw a zombie a mile, another zombie might bite you in the arm while you're throwing his buddy. No good. All it takes is one bite. So forget about that super strengh concoction you're working on. It's pretty much useless in the fight against the undead.

Flight. Now, that's a power to have against the undead. Zombies are stupid for they're dead and with death, a good portion of brain matter dies. The longer they're dead, the more they've lost. So as long as you can stay in the air, all they could do is
get hit by the projectiles you rain down on them. Just don't get struck by lightning or anything while you're up there.

Shapeshift. Another cool power to have in a regular life situation, but zombies could care less if you look like Prince Charming or the Elephant Man. You're still a walking piece of meat to them.

Now don't get me wrong. If you were the one putting your paychecks into this research, I'd hate for you to abandon it entirely because of the zombie plague. With shapeshift, you will be great at boosting morale in more ways than one. For example, you'd be able to play Carol Burnett, Harvey Korman, and Tim Conway. With superstrengh, you'd be able to dig that ditch that much faster. With invisibility, well...Okay, if you're working on that one, you might as well abandon it.

If you're working on weapons, excellent. We could use more of those. Even with my friends in the postal service, we have a limited weapons cache. We could definitely use more weapons.

Finally, if you're working on the superpower to pay the bills, keep doing it, because we all have bills to pay and guns to buy so if it's superpowers that pay the bills, we'll figure out a way to put those superpowers to use.

Monday, September 26, 2005

My ideal candidate - the human side

I already wrote a piece on what political positions I want my ideal candidate to have. Now, I want to add some humanity to the candidate.

I want a candidate who runs a positive campaign full of positive ideas, ambitions for America and real goals. If he runs a smear campaign, I don't want him. I don't want someone to say how bad the other guys are. I want a guy who says how good he is.

I could care less what gender, what color, what ancestry, or what religion (including no religion) my candidate is. All I want is for him to be American, and proud to be an American. And I don't want his gender, color, ancestry, or religion interferring with his duties in driving America forward.

America has achieved things that no other country before has achieved. I'm tired of people apologizing for our success. My candidate wants to continue that success into the 21st century and not give our success to the one nation with nukes pointed at us.

I don't want my candidate coming from the Upper Class. I don't want one who has a rich father. I don't want one who married a rich widow. I don't want one who sued hospitals to get rich. I want one who knows what it's like to work hard, to carry a mortgage or pay rent, and one who knows how to buy his own groceries at the supermarket. If he became a multi-millionaire in his lifetime by hard work and ambition, more power to him. But he has to have roots with the common man and woman.

My candidate will trust the American people. He does not believe the role of the gov't is to be my Dad. I already have a Dad, and he was a real good father. I still to this day occasionally call him up and ask for advice. I don't need a second Dad.

Since he trusts the American people, my candidate does not care what books we check out at the library. He doesn't care what CDs we buy or what movies we watch. He doesn't care what guns we own. He could care less what video games we play.

My candidate sees America not only for its people resources, but also for the land, the water, the trees, and the animals. He values these all and does not want to see them exploited, for he knows how valuable they are to our future. We need open space and nature for our souls to develop fully.

He doesn't interfere with our roles as parents. He trusts us to do that job.

My candidate understands the importance of family. He also understands that the two most important professions in America are the parent and the educator.

He believes in rewarding good instead of relying on punishing evil. He is more carrot driven than stick because he knows that the American people are good and if gov't does not interfere with us, we can do more good things.

He doesn't care how you spend your weekends. What you do in your own home is nobody's business and he understands that. He trusts us to make our own decisions.

My candidate can speak well. He smiles a lot and has a wonderful sense of humor. He treats people with dignity and does not talk to anyone in a condescending tone.

My candidate values the men and women in uniform. He values those who have served our country and veterans of previous wars. He prays for peace, but will never let his guard down. And of course, he's prepared for the upcoming zombie plague and hopes you are too.

And lastly, he believes in the future. One of his goals is to get a manned mission beyond the moon. Let's have a real space station where ships can dock. Hopefully from there, my next candidate can lead us to the next step, which is a manned mission to Mars. One thing this world needs is more frontiers. Gene Roddenberry was right when he said space was the final frontier.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

A few shouts out

I have a request for everyone. Please set your blog to do the following. Go to Settings/Archiving/Enable Post Pages and set this to Yes. Levi has his set this way and so do I. It's great so when someone mentions one of your articles, the article actually has its own separate webpage and we could specify it that way.

Okay, I want to know a few things. Like what crack addict decided the abbreviation for pounds should be "lbs?"

Speaking of lbs, when's America going to go Metric? The system makes sense. I've already started using Metric terminology in my shooting. Kind of pisses off the other shooters though. "Range me, Zombieslayer."

"About 150 meters, three kilometer per hour winds from the southwest."

"What the !@#$%^& does that mean?"

"Metrics Billy Bob. Get with the times."

Also, have you seen the cover of the recent Life cereal boxes? They have kids made out of Legos. Now, I like Legos just as much as the next guy, but these Lego kids look like lepers.

The following posts made me laugh. One warning, some of the posts have profanity and mature humor, so you might want to check out the links before showing the kiddies.

Levi for some strange reason always makes me laugh. His latest post was a response to my attempt at humor. I like his better because mine was just straight humor. His actually had a point to it.

Bridget Jones is consistently funny. Her best lately was her post on Monday September 19th about the not Hallmark cards. Those were awesome. You'll have to scroll down a little.

Bsoholic and Thom have a funny site together about Cubicle Hell. Check out their site. The one that really had me laughing was the calling in sick joke.

And this site brought up an old wound. Remember the Kelo vs New London case, which pretty much says that you have no private property rights? Well, Chris is doing something about it. He has very simple directions for finding out who your Congressman or woman is and who your Senators are, then contacting them about the case. He has a pre-written letter, well-written, asking for their impeachment. Go Chris!

Click here.

By the way, the first three will hopefully make you laugh, but I really hope at least one of you clicks on the fourth one and sends your Congressman or Congresswoman and your Senators an email. It needs to be done. Those justices who voted for that act need to be impeached.

If you're unaware of Kelo vs New London, in a nutshell, it says that a corporation that wants a strip mall where your house is can use an Eminent Domain ruling against you.

I don't like this current trend of corporations having more power than Americans. It needs to stop. We need to draw the line here at Kelo Vs New London.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Third Amendment

Living in America, Act IV

Character list:
Rusty Lederhosen
Col. 'Bat' Guano
Spotti Lederhosen

(knock on the door)

Rusty - Who is it?

Col. Guano - Colonel Bat Guano, 23rd Division and his troops.

Rusty - (opens the door) What do you want at his late hour?

Col. Guano - We hear you have an extra room and I'm going to have to use it to quarter my soldiers.

Rusty - We have some personal stuff in that room and I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline.

Col. Guano - This is not a request, but an order.

Rusty - Read this. (whips out his copy of the U.S. Constitution and points to Amendment III).

Col. Guano - (reads out loud) No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Rusty - Well?

Col. Guano - (red in the face). I'll be damned. Well, Sir, you have my deepest apologies.

Rusty - (smiles and shakes his hand) No problem. Hey Colonel, you see that pink house?

Col. Guano - Yeah?

Rusty - Well, that's Larry Schmuckmeister's house. He has two extra rooms and a big screen TV and no knowledge of the Constitution.

Col. Guano - Sir, a sincere thanks from me and my troops. (Turns to his soldiers). Let's go to the pink house!

(exit Col. Guano and his troops)

Spotti - (enters in a nightgown and night cap). Rusty? Who was that?

Rusty - (gives his wife a peck on the cheek). Oh, just some soldiers who wanted to use our spare room.

Spotti - You mentioned the Third Amendment, right?

Rusty - Of course, babe!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

When I grow up

I've decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be the Minister of Immigration and Tourism. I want full authority of who we let in this country, whether to apply as an immigrant or even coming in as a tourist.

I know a lot of people complain about obnoxious Americans. Well, now this obnoxious American will complain about foreigners coming to America and being dumb.

First, I'll search their bags. If I find Michael Bolton, Cher, or David Hosselhof either in their CD case or on their iPod, gone. No all you foreigners out there. That's not good music. You need to learn what good music is. I'm not forcing everyone to like what I like, but you just can't bring that stuff in.

And I know those three are American. Americans don't buy that stuff though. It's all you foreigners.

The other thing I will check their bags for. If a guy has either Speedos or capris, nope. You can't come to America. You'll be banned from entering this country for 365 days. Whenever I see a guy on the beach with Speedos, I know right off it's a foreigner.

You want to hear another one of my pet peeves? It's the overuse of words. I know English is not an easy language to learn, but still, you need to not say the same words over and over.

I will ask the potential immigrant or tourist to explain something. If he starts the sentence with "basically," gone. Nothing worse than hearing foreigners saying the word "basically" over and over. I'm starting to hate that word now. The word was fine until foreigners got a hold of it.

Stinkiness. I know it's a long flight, so I'll let it pass. But if one of my spies reports a foreigner walking downtown and smelling like a European, we send a team to round them up and send them packing.

We don't have a water shortage problem here in America like they do in their countries. We take showers and wash our clothes. It's one thing to stink after a hard day's work. That's excuseable. But when I go out to a nice restaurant and smell the guy a table away, I know it's a foreigner.

Foreigners need to understand there's a time to stink and a time not to stink. What they don't understand is there's a time not to stink. They just think it's okay to stink all the time.

Camping. Doing manual labor. Playing sports. That's stinky time.

Shopping. Eating in a nice restaurant. Going on a date. No stink time.

Also, I get one try to pronounce your name. If I can't pronounce it after one try, gone. You can come back later, but make sure you change your name to something I can pronounce. It's like the two Bobs from Office Space. "Naga...Naga...not going to work here anymore."

Bad breath. That's another thing Europeans are notorious for. Do you not have toothpaste and dental floss there? I'll have the incoming dude or chick breathe on one of the interns. If the intern flinches, we give them a toothbrush and dental floss and send them packing. Why are we so nice to provide them with those necessities? Because as good, honest Americans, we have to set an example for the rest of the world.

If they make it through that initial screening, then they're welcome as a tourist. As an immigrant though, they'll still have more tests to take. But that's another post for another day.

I know what you're thinking. I'm too generous. I'd let too many tourists in. You know I have C.R.S. What did I forget this time?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Class Post

These are the classes. If you're an expert in sociology, feel free to correct me because I'm doing this from memory and you already know, I have a bad case of C.R.S.

Upper-upper class, also called the old rich. I am so rich that there's no way I could go through all the money I have. It will take generations of mismanagement to go through my wealth. I have trust funds set up for me, my spouse, and my children. I own decent sized chunks of several companies and sit on many boards. People pay me well for my advice.

I have been rich for at least three generations. I didn't make the money. My grandparents or great-grandparents did. I'm living off of their money still, and living quite well, thank you. The school I graduated from has had a scholarship that has my name on it. Well, not necessarily my name but my grandparents' names.

Examples of me are the Rockefellers, the Kennedys, the Hiltons, or the Vanderbilts. When cops stop me, they address me as Sir or Ma'am and apologize for stopping me, for they didn't recognize it was me. That is, when I choose to drive myself.

Lower-upper class (new rich) - I struck it rich. My company was in the right place at the right time. You may have seen me on the cover of Fortune magazine or Sports Illustrated. You probably know my name. I make at least millions every year. If I'm smart, I'd invest some of it and not blow through it all. If I hire the right accountants, my grandchildren will end up in the upper-upper class.

The upper-upper class though kind of thumbs their nose at me for being uncultured. It pisses me off because sometimes, I have a higher net worth than they do. I earned my money too. They were born into it. On one hand, I want to say screw them, but on the other hand, I want to be one of them.

When a cop stops me, they ask for my autograph.

Examples of me are Oprah, Bill Gates, Madonna, Michael Jordan, Prince, Dale Earnheart Jr., Larry Ellison, Keith Richards.

Upper-middle class - I am a professional. I am a doctor, a lawyer, the best real estate agent in town, a high salaried programmer, chief accountant for one of the Big Four. I make six figures and time to me is money. I am a very busy person.

I make lots of money and spend lots too. I have a nice car, because I want you to know I'm successful.

I am high-stressed too. I have very little patience for slackers. I want things done my way and will pay top dollar to people who are willing to do things the way I want them done. I appreciate that, and I'll reward their hard work with money.

When a cop stops me, I get upset. I am busy, and just trying to get to where I'm going and don't have time for this crap. I'll take the ticket, but I'll let him know he's wasting my time, and time to me is money.

Middle-class - The bulk of America. I have a job or own a small business. I pay rent or a mortgage. I have a family. I'm buried in credit card debt. I'll go on vacation once a year, get sloshed, and go back to work Monday in even deeper debt. I hope my kids become better off than me.

I am a slave to the banks. It seems like everyone wants my money. I got more bills than I can handle. I wish they'd all leave me alone. I'm one serious illness away from bankrupcy.

When a cop stops me, I take the ticket and go to traffic school. Or maybe I could sweet talk my way out of it. It works sometimes, sometimes it doesn't.

The working class - I never finished up college, but never needed it. I went to a trade school or learned a trade from Uncle Jim. I'm good at what I do. I call the middle-class people Sir or Ma'am and they thumb their noses at me even though sometimes I make more money than they do, especially if I'm now boss.

I'll do that job in your house for you for $3500. It will take me and my apprentice a few weeks. I know you formerly had Eddie do work for you. Don't get me wrong, I like Eddie as a person, but his work standard leaves something to be desired.

I am patriotic. The middle-class frankly pisses me off because they take this country for granted. I served in the military. My son's going to serve. Even my daughter's currently serving right now. She's on this college plan where they pay for your college if you serve. I'm so proud of both of my kids. She'll be the first to graduate college in the family.

I guess we need someone in the family to make college. My back's going out. I don't know how much longer I can do this line of work. Don't got any other skills though, so when my back goes, I don't know what I'm going to do.

By the way, I could hold my beer, unlike those yuppie kids who showed up at Shorty's last friday. They're lucky they didn't start nothing because I alone could have taken them all.

When a cop stops me, I ask him which police academy he went to. My nephew went to the other one. We talk for a little bit and sometimes he doesn't give me a ticket, sometimes he does. If he does, he's just doing his job. No biggie.

Lower class - See that factory or that mine over there? My grandpa used to work there. He made enough money to buy the house we're living in today. I know it ain't much and needs a lot of TLC, but when I get a job, I'll fix the roof first. It leaks during a heavy rain.

Gramps used to make good money but the mine closed down or the factory got moved overseas. That's why we're broke today. Those jobs ain't never comin' back.

We lived in a nicer place once. A hurricane/flood/tornado destroyed it though and left us with nothing so we moved in with my mother. She passed on, died of lung cancer two years ago.

I don't make life happen. Life happens to me. Sometimes Fate's on my side, sometimes I feel like I did something to really piss off Fate.

It's all the cards man. You get dealt a hand and you make the best of it.

Little Johnnie's pretty fast. I'm hoping he makes the pros. If so, he promised us he'd buy us a new house in the burbs. Lucy's pregnant again and Timmy's in jail. Same old, same old. At least one for three have a shot at making it, so I guess we're not doin' too bad.

Back in the old days, cops used to beat us up. I still don't trust them though. Sure they're getting better. I guess we need them around because crime in this neighborhood's just gettin' worse.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The race post

With, without
And after all, isn't that what the fighting's all about?

-Pink Floyd

I have utmost respect for Laura, but finally found an issue that we don't agree on besides guns. Don't worry, I'll convert her into a gun nut. Just give me more time.

She quoted a writer who talks about white privilege. Granted, every time I see a cop, I wish I was white. I've been harassed so many times by law enforcement for "walking while colored" it's not even funny. And middle-class whites think I'm exaggerating too, which really pisses me off.

"Well, were you wearing blue or red?"

"You wear blue and red all the time and you never get harassed, you heartless jerk. And no, I was wearing black."

Also, Sygyzy had an excellent post on his blog a few weeks ago that showed our American press showing a white couple who "found" some food while a black guy "looted" some food. So I'm not denying racism still exists and that there is white privilege. But I will say that class is way more important than race. It's not even close.

White privilege only works if you're middle-class or higher. You go into the bar and start talking about white privilege to a white guy who just saw his uncle, his brother, and his best friend just get Annakin Skywalkered in the latest refinery accident and you'll have an instant enemy.

I really like Roseanne. I know a lot of you hate her, but I like her. I remember her ranting once about how America is obsessed with race. Obsessed with it. Yet, nobody ever brings up class.

You and I will not have the same lawyers and accountants that a rich guy, regardless of race, will get. We might invest in stocks, they buy companies. We buy cheap, fixer-upper rental homes, they buy apartment complexes and hotels. We might rent a boat, they'll buy a yacht. We buy tickets to a basketball game, they buy a basketball team. We have to deal with the TSA idiots, they take their private jets. And "they" are of any color. "They" have more in common with each other than we do with one of "them" of their color, whatever it is.

I used to deliver pizza to a country club that costed $22,000 a year to be a member of. I got a chance to see what they looked like. A few of them even looked like me, but believe me, I'd definitely be more comfortable at a dinner table with the refinery folks I grew up with than them.

I remember one kid getting a Porsche for his sixteenth birthday and smashing it. No problem, Daddie bought him another. Now, I will readily admit, I'm privileged. I got a Ford Taurus with 250k miles on it after graduating college. My Daddie said if I could keep it running, I could have it. That's still better off than 90% of people in the world, seriously.

But when we keep obsessing with race and conveniently skip over the class topic, we're going to do more harm than good. I'm looking forward to the day when race and racism are reduced to humor, like on the Dave Chapelle show. I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. Martin Luther King's dream of when a person isn't judged on race, but on character. I'm looking forward to the day when nobody asks me my race, not my employer, not my school, and not someone with guilt who thinks he should feel sorry for me.

I'm looking forward to the day of discrimination, the way it should be. If you're American, you get a leg up in America over the person who is not American (it's the reverse right now, and I'll prove it in a later post). That's how it is in Thailand. How come it's the reverse of that here?

By the way, the white side of my family's doing considerably worse than the coloreds. It has nothing to do with race though, and everything to do with class. Let us not forget that all colors worked side by side in the coal mines and when the mines collapsed and a lot of the miners died, the owner would always ask if his donkeys made it out.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Multi-ethnic jokes

All right. After last week's poor showing by the Packers, they better win today or else I'm going to be pissed. That stupid Packers offensive line. They really fema'd that game. Poor Favre got sacked four times and knocked down eight other times.

Well, here are some multi-ethnic jokes for ya. Funniest thing is I heard that second joke from Mohammed Ali (taped, not live). He was at some ceremony and you know how Ali took too many blows to the head? Well, he started rattling off some highly unpolitically correct jokes. I wish the camera zoomed in on his posse. I could just imagine them cringing. Finally, one of his peeps grabbed the mic from him. Too bad he didn't give the guy a right hook to the ribs and continue telling jokes. Ali's still a funny guy, despite his rattled brain.

For my multi-ethnic hot babe, here's Vanity.
She was in a Tales from the Crypt and did a nude scene. My jaw just about dropped. Now I see why Prince did a movie about her. Last I heard though, she was nuts. Oh well.

Now, if only I didn't suffer from C.R.S., I'd remember more than just that one Mr Ali said. Fortunately, I did remember two others. Enjoy.

Why is Sunday morning the best time to go for a ride?
The Christians are in church.
The Jews are counting their money.
The Irish are hung-over.
The Blacks are in jail.
And the Mexicans can't get their cars started.

A Black guy, a Mexican, and a Puerto Rican are in a car. Who's driving?

The police.

A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are sitting next to each other in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish guy punches the Chinese guy on the arm.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"That was for Pearl Harbor."

"I'm Chinese. The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor."

"Ah Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me."

A few drinks later, the Chinese guy punches the Jewish guy on the arm.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"That was for the Titanic."

"But the Titanic hit an iceberg."

"Ah, iceberg, Goldburg, it's all the same to me."

Friday, September 16, 2005

What's wrong with being single?

I had an evil girlfriend once. Since frankly FEMA pissed me off, I will now use the word "fema" to mean any botched operation or failed attempt at anything. If you have no one guarding you and you do an easy lay up but miss the rim entirely, you fema'd. If you're wide open in the end zone and the pass hits you in the numbers and you drop it, you fema'd. If you're trying to parallel park and you pop the tire on the curb, you fema'd. Not only that, I'll refer to my evil ex as "Fema."

Fema and I have mutual friends to this day. It's funny because they refuse to tell her not only what city I'm in, but what state I'm in. They do tell me however where she is at all times. This is a very good thing, so I could know what town to avoid. I'd be too tempted to grab a vial of holy water just to see if she loses two to twelve hit points when splashed.

I heard through our mutual friends that Fema now owns a house, which she somehow acquired with government assistance. That's just nice to know that someone born with money can con the government into paying her down payment while refinery trash like me actually had to earn my down payment.

Anyways, I also found out she has a degree in Women's Studies. Surprise surprise, especially since her last words to me were "I hate men! I hate men!" before I hung up the phone. Of course, I'm the sexist pig even though of our mutual friends, two of them are avid feminists and still took my side in the fight.

Yeah yeah yeah. Not all Women's Studies majors are man-haters with shaved heads and combat boots, but there's a reason why that stereotype exists and she definitely doesn't help negate it.

Apparently, she went around telling everyone I screwed her up so badly that she went single for four months. Four months! The atrocity! Forget the Supreme Court nominations, Fema went single for four months because the Zombieslayer forgot to put the toilet seat down when they lived together.

I have a good friend of mine that I'll hopefully see Sunday. I'll call him "Malcolm." Well, I've known Malcolm now for thirteen years. We've written over a hundred letters to each other between us. I've read all three of his journals, which are very good by the way, and he's one of the few people I've ever showed my first book to. He liked it, and it was he who recognized it was really an autobiography (that's why I'll never publish it).

In all the years I've known Malcolm, he's never been single. No, he's not married either, but not one week passed when he wasn't in a serious, monogamous relationship.

The guy's tall, thin, and good-looking, an excellent public speaker, driven, a world traveller, and chronically committed to a nice person of the opposite sex. He even stays friends with some of them and recently went to the wedding of his ex's brother with his girlfriend at the time.

I don't get it. How come some people are never single? I've been single before. I enjoyed it immensely. I'm married now and although it's less wild, I'm glad it happened because it's definitely more relaxing and less stressful. I don't get however why some people are so needy that they have to be in a relationship. Are people that scared of being alone? Is it ghosts? The boogeyman? Werewolves? I can understand zombies, but dogs bark when zombies come near. Is it because they believe they have only X amount of days until they turn so ugly that the opposite sex won't want them?

Anyone willing to give a try at answering for inquiring minds would like to know.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Second Amendment

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Back when I was in school, they took American civics seriously. In school, I memorized the Preamble and could summarize the first ten Amendments, otherwise called the Bill of Rights. I'm not going to get into why nowadays American civics isn't taught, but I will say either it's not taught in schools nowadays or they do a shoddy job at it. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to give you the Bill of Rights, piece by piece.

A few weeks ago, I did a post on the First Amendment. I love the Bill of Rights, and there's a reason why the First is first. There's also a reason why the Second is second. Our Founding Fathers realized the importantce of private gun ownership. They feared tyranny, and knew that the only way to prevent tyranny is with vigilance (in this context, the opposite of apathy) and firearms as a last resort. This is a quote from Justice Alex Kozinski, a Judge who gets it.

The Second Amendment is a doomsday provision, one designed for those exceptionally rare circumstances where all other rights have failed where the government refuses to stand for reelection and silences those who protest; where courts have lost the courage to oppose, or can find no one to enforce their decrees. However improbable these contingencies may seem today, facing them unprepared is a mistake a free people get to make only once.

-Justice Alex Kozinski, US 9th

It really bothers me that a lot of Americans think the Second is outdated. By that token, let's ban Freedom of Speech. Too many people get offended too easily and feelings get hurt. So let's not have free speech. Anything that could offend anyone should be banned and whomever says it should go to jail.

I'm being sarcastic, of course, but you see what I'm getting at.

Mr. Kozinski gets it. He understand that when the government has become a police state, when they start silencing people they don't like, it needs to be overthrown, and overthrown violently. I've heard people on the Left say there's no way to oppose an evil dictatorship with force if it ever happened in the U.S. of A. That's not only fatalistic, it's downright stupid.

Let's do a little math. In America, eighty million people own guns. Of those eighty million with guns, we own around three hundred million guns. That's more than one gun per person. Now, I don't think I need to say how bad guerilla warfare is. Imagine a guerilla war against eighty million people with three hundred million guns. Even China would get slaughtered.

Speaking of which, the one thing that is never said in the whole debate is private gun ownership guarantees that no violent foreign invasion would ever be successful. The Japanese knew that in WWII. They were just afraid to tell Hirohito that.

I won't get into the anti-crime aspects of gun ownership because that would be an entirely new post. It's mainly to defend us from a foreign invasion and to defend us against tyranny.

The last thing to keep in mind is that every genocide in the 20th century was preceeded by gun confiscation. If you wanted to round up a bunch of people and liquidate them, good luck if they're all armed. Of course, the day the government starts rounding up my neighbors because they're a certain race, ethnicity, or religion, I'm passing out my extras.

Monday, September 12, 2005

America's Dirty Secret

My buddy "Norbert" is a big white guy who loves to party. He loves to party so much that he leaves the country and goes to places like Jamaica and Thailand where you can really let it out.

One day, he was waiting in line to get a motel room when he overheard the guy in front of him speaking in Thai about the room. They gave him one price, and then they gave Norbert, a big white American guy, a higher price. Little did they know, Norbert spoke Thai fluently. "Wait a minute," he said in Thai, "you gave him a cheaper price than you gave me."

"Oh," the motel dude answered in Thai. "That's because we take care of our own."

They take care of their own. You'll never see that in America. Instead, you'll see America take care of everyone else and take care of Americans last.

Case in point. Norbert, me, and a bunch of other people got our jobs outsourced to India simply because they could pay them less. We were white, black, yellow, brown, red, freckled, sunburnt, men, women, all Americans. All laid off in favor of cheaper labor overseas. Back in the old days, your job was guaranteed for life. Not anymore. I've never had job security. Ever.

Back in the 70s, my father was telling me that this outsourcing of manufacturing jobs would really hurt America. Nobody believed him. Now I'm seeing he's right.

The extent of third world poverty in the richest country in the world is America's dirty secret. It's not simply racism. If you travel the deep south, you'll see both blacks and whites flat broke, living in shacks that get destroyed about once every two decades by a flood or a hurricane. I'd talk to people about how bad the poverty was and nobody believed me. "You're exaggerating Zombieslayer. America doesn't have that level of poverty."

Now that you've seen the images of Hurricane Katrina, you know I'm not exaggerating. We do have that level of poverty, and we've never addressed it. LBJ said he was going to address it but got us in 'Nam instead. Bush Sr, Clinton, and Bush Jr all said they'd address it, but they're all in favor of oursourcing and globalism, which we all know where that leads to - making CEOs richer and leaving the common American employee without any job security.

Did you know that both Molokai and Lousiana have active leper colonies? The sad thing is, it's easily treatable and you or I could never get it, because you have to be malnourished to get leprosy. America still to this day has over one hundred lepers. It's because too many Americans live in a state of poverty that is not acceptable.

During Hurricane Katrina, being in Santa Barbara, I've heard a lot of upper class people say "why couldn't they just leave?" They're completely clueless to know for one thing, a lot of people had nowhere to go. Even if they had somewhere to go, they're assuming they have a working automobile. Even if they had a working automobile, a lot of Americans do not have the money for gas and wouldn't last a week in a motel. They know that. They know they don't have the money. So all they could do is wait and pray that it's not as bad as they heard it might be.

We can solve this problem. It's not that hard.

Have you ever talked to a McDonalds manager in an American ghetto? It's amazing how many applications these guys get. One myth about ghettos is that nobody wants to work. Sure, you have lazy folks who don't deserve getting welfare, but you also have a tremendous amount of people who would work if they could. So let's bring back the manufacturing jobs to America, you know, the ones we exported overseas. Let's start taking care of Americans for once.

Everyone talks about tax cuts for corporations as a reward. Screw that. I used to have a Berkshire Hathaway share, Warren Buffet's company (a B one, I'm not rich yet). If you have extra money, I'd highly recommend it. Made me 15% in six months. While having it, I got the annual shareholders booklet. In it, Warren Buffett blabs on and on. It's about the only fascinating economic rant I ever read.

He discussed how Berkshire Hathaway paid 16% of all American corporate income tax. The Berkshire Hathaway corporation didn't come even close to making 16% of all American corporate income. Why so high a tax? Because he's honest, and doesn't do crap like export jobs to save money and ask Congress to give him tax breaks to export American jobs overseas. And, he said that guess who will end up picking up the tab for that lost corporate tax? That's right, us American human taxpayers.

Let's start having tax penalties for corporations that export jobs. Heavy ones. Ones that are heavy enough to bring the jobs back to the states. And if corporations absolutely positively have to have a job outside America, let's give those jobs to Mexico. Mexico is our neighbor and they don't have nukes pointed at us like China does. In fact, during the Hurricane Katrina, they helped out more than any other nation.

Everyone pays for poverty, not just the ones impoverished. After Katrina, thousands of homeless families moved to other parts of the countries. My parents would have taken in a kid, but they got a foster kid a few weeks before the hurricane started. Their little town however has dozens of hurricane families. The elementary school my little brother went to in Houston had seven new families from the hurricane applying their kids there. Not only that, helping out these folks who lost everything will come out of our tax money (which I actually am glad for). If these people had decent jobs, they would have had enough money to flee the hurricane.

So let's bring these jobs back to America, and we can fix our dirty secret of poverty instead of trying to sweep it under the rug.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Hot Mexican Babe - Salma Hayek

I screwed up. Big time. I waited too long to list Salma Hayek as a hot babe and now The Zombie Lama called dibs on her. However, I'm a reasonable guy. I'm willing to make a trade. Ms Hayek for Sarah Michele Gellar.

Now that might be one that will get that undead brain of his spinning. Nothing is more exciting to a thrill seeking guy like ZL than to turn one known for putting undead souls out of their misery. So what says you, Zombie Lama? Trade?

As for Ms Hayek, I first got obsessed with her after seeing Robert Rodriguez's Desperado. I've said this many times, but if anyone can direct sexiness, it's Rodriguez. Lesser directors, like whomever directed that Wild Wild West movie will just waste that gorgeous body of hers. And what a body it is. What other actress has curves like Ms Hayek? Well, there was Anna Nicole Smith, but Ms Smith might as well be a zombie with her brain level. Besides, Ms Smith tries to be sexy. There is no try in sexiness, there's just do or do not.

She also interviews well. My wife has that Vanity Fair with Ms Hayek on the cover, I think it was a few years ago. She's an interesting person. Starred in Mexican soaps for years, but came here for the big money she could make in the States.

Ms Hayek also had one of the sexiest scenes in the last twenty years in the movie From Dusk 'Til Dawn, directed by Robert Rodriguez. How did you guess? I love how Quinten Tarantino wrote himself into that scene (he wrote the screenplay). I want to get killed in a movie by Salma Hayek.

I've already decided. I'm going to have either Antonio Banderas or Morgan Freeman play me, but I'm going to have a cameo scene where I'm just some stupid guy who gets killed by an undead Salma Hayek. She'll be walking around topless in the movie too. I'm sure she wouldn't mind. I think Mrs. Zombieslayer might mind though. Well, I guess I have to write the movie first.

If they cast Tom Cruise in the leading role, I'm sabotaging the set.

Anyways, for your viewing pleasure, the deliciously intoxicating Salma Hayek.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Football predictions anyone?

Hats off to Shawn

First off, I just wanted to say that once again, Shawn's written a wonderful piece. It explains why it's not so easy to get up and go, especially if you're broke. Give it a read if you haven't read it yet.

Back to football

Well, Ben's putting money on his Vikings, since Vegas is saying 7:1. Vikes are going to be good this year, so don't be surprised if it's their turn to represent the NFC in losing the Super Bowl to the Pats this year.

As you probably already know, I'm a huge Packer fan and it's driving me nuts that Favre's last years will be spent with one of the league's worst defenses. That means Favre will be forced to air it out. Well, hopefully that means two more 4000 yard seasons. Favre's way better than Peyton Manning by the way.

Geez, it just doesn't stop for Favre. His father died recently, his brother-in-law died in an ATV accident, his wife gets breast cancer, Reggie White dies, and now his place is destroyed by Katrina. The guy's a saint though. He's currently doing everything he can to raise money for hurricane survivors, of which most of his relatives are.

Back to football, sorry Laura, but I predict the Bears to be in last place with a 3-13 record, the Vikes to win the NFC North, the Packers and Lions to both finish 9-7 but neither make the playoffs. Don't feel bad though Laura. At least you have 1985 to remember. Ben's Vikes have yet to win the big one.

The Falcons and Eagles win their respective divisions. Panthers look good, but only get a wild card. It really is a toss up for which NFC team goes on to lose the Super Bowl to the Pats.

Yo Mel, did I mention that my next door neighbor in Houston was Warrick Dunn's running coach? Supposebly a wonderful gentleman, very quiet and soft-spoken. I have a soft spot for Michael Vick too, so wouldn't mind seeing the Falcons do well, unless of course they're playing the Pack.

And no, Colts fans. This won't be your year. In fact, you will never have your year. Football is not just the quarterback. Marino's better than your Peyton Manning and even he's never won the big one on his own. You need a team.

So who do you predict to win the big one? My prediction is if somehow Bill Belichick's Pats don't make the Super Bowl, the NFC representative, whether it's the Vikes, the Falcons, or the Eagles wins it all. If the Patriots make it to the Super Bowl, they once again win the big one.

Friday, September 09, 2005

One of These Days

I don't know why this is, but 90% of metalheads are heavily into Pink Floyd. We've all watched The Wall at least once. I even did a ten page History report on the rise of Fascism in post-war Europe and used The Wall and My Beautiful Laundrette as the two movie references.

Of all the bands that have ever existed, Pink Floyd's probably the most artistic band ever. Take a song like One of These Days, turn the lights off, and listen to it with some decent speakers. What do you see?

I'll tell you what I see. I see the big bad wolf banging on the last of the little piggies' doors after he's already gobbled up the other ones. Since he can't blow down the brick house, he bangs on the door in frustration. Finally, he says "one of these days I'm going to cut you into little pieces" and takes off.

I feel bad for the wolf. Pork tastes so yummy, especially marinated in fresh lemon juice, salt, pepper, and thyme. There's the good life there. I can see why the big bad wolf is so upset. By the way, Savage, that's what I was marinating my pork steaks with when we had those bar-be-ques. Sometimes I'll substitute coriander for thyme, depending on my mood.

One of These Days is from the album Meddle. It's one of the band's favorite songs to play live. That album also has the twenty-three minute song Echoes, which is one of my favorite songs Floyd's ever written. In my opinion, Meddle is the first outstanding Floyd album. They would later go on to write Dark Side of the Moon, Wish You Were Here, and Animals which are all some of my favorite albums.

I sincerely hope the younger generations are learning about Pink Floyd. They're one of those bands that are way too good to let their music die out.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

"Three to beam up!"

You won't be beaming me up, Scotty!

I know you watched Star Trek before so don't even pretend you've never seen it. You ever notice that Scotty always refuses to be teleported and he always takes the shuttle craft if he has to go anywhere?

Well, there's a reason for that. It's because beaming you up kills you.

In a nutshell, the teleporter takes an image of you, breaks up your matter, and recreates it somewhere else. If your matter is broken up, you're dead. It's taking a snapshot of you and putting it somewhere else while destroying you.

Think of it like a clone. Let's just say they clone you, somehow get your memories into the clone's head, and kill you. Well, to everyone else, they think it's you because they remember the time you dropped those expensive plates and so does the clone. But that clone still isn't you. You're dead.

Kind of like Fidel Castro. We Americans have been trying to kill him for decades now. Little do we know, we've succeeded and Fidel is really Clone #6. (One had a heart attack, one had lung cancer from all those cigars, and we've killed the rest).

That's how it is with the teleporter.

So you young people out there, when they start offering lots of dead presidents for testing the teleporter, just say no. Don't think of all da bling bling you could buy. Remember what your friend the Zombieslayer told you. And remember, the guy who operates it and the only guy on the ship who knows how it really works always takes the shuttle craft. No coincidence there.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


I'm going to refrain from any political posts this week because for once, something is a lot more important.

I want to say a huge thanks to Mexico, our wonderful neighbor down below, who has probably done more than any other nation to help us during the hurricane. I'm not talking about money donated. They simply don't have lots of that. But they've actually tried to help us physically with what they could muster and it is greatly appreciated.

I'd also like to say thanks to Canada, our wonderful neighbor to the north. More than any other nation, they helped us through 9/11. I will never forget just how many Canadians helped weary travelers, let them stay at their houses, fed them, let them shower, spend the night, and showed such wonderful hospitality. And no, Canada's not rich either.

Thanks to Cuba for offering doctors. Thanks to Holland for offering people to help rebuild the dams. Thanks to Germany for offering engineers. Thanks to the oil rich nations who offered gobs of money. And thanks to every other nation that offered anything. It is appreciated.

Now the world knows our dirty little secret. It's out of the bag. Too much of America's a third world nation. Some of you just found this out when you saw just how poor Mississippi and Louisiana are. And don't give me any I don't know what third world poverty is. I watched my uncle treat lepers and to this day I'm a sanitary freak from a very bad intestinal infection. It's been almost thirty years and my stomach still hasn't completely healed. I know what third world poverty is, and America has a lot of it.

I'm not going to discuss the reasons we have this much poverty. The rest of the world is now aware of it. They also know that our economy is a lot more vulnerable than we'd like to admit.

I have ideas of how to fix America. I'll discuss them another day though, because my heart right now isn't into politics. It's in helping the survivors.

I really wish I was still in Texas right now because we had two extra rooms, and a large downstairs. We could have taken in a family. They'd have their own bathroom and they'd go from the craziness of being homeless in a sports stadium to enjoying Zombieslayer hospitality and cooking.

But I'm not. All I could do is throw money at charities. It frankly saddens me.

I know a lot of people botched the job. There will be a time to point fingers later, but now is not the time. There are still people waiting to be rescued, wondering how they're going to get their food and medicine. There are people who will die of dysentery from drinking contaminated water. These are the people we should be concentrating on, not whom to blame for the whole thing. As I've said, we'll have plenty of time to point fingers later.

My heart goes out to all those who have sacrificed and/or risk their lives to help their fellow men, women, and children. The media keeps feeding us stories of looting and of people shooting at rescue workers. Well, screw the media. I have heard plenty of stories of heroics but they're harder to find. And I know there are at least ten times more stories of heroics than of evil. I know this, for I have been through two hurricanes and my wife was literally seconds away from dying in a flood. I have seen people do wonderful things in desperate situations with my very own eyes.

My son saved someone's life last year in a flood. Granted, they were being idiots swimming when they should have been on higher ground, but I already mentioned that story. I know the human instinct is to take care of your fellow human. It was instinct what he did. He told me he didn't even know he was doing it.

I'm not implying that what we went through was anything near what happened in Katrina. The hurricanes I experienced tens of people died, not thousands. Yet on a smaller scale, I saw so much generosity.

People are good. The media loves to tell us otherwise and only focus on the evil that we do. They tell us nobody wants to read about the hero. Everybody wants to read about the psycho. B.S. I'd rather read about the hero and I'm sure many of you would too. I've seen it on your blogs. I've seen you post the heroic stories of people risking their lives to save others.

So good people of this Earth, thank you. Let's help the survivors. Everything else is secondary.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Major Stereotypes

This post is for Ben. He just started college and what better way to send him off to college than give him dozens of stereotypes?

My college years were weird. I started off in Psychology. As someone who likes to get out and meet people, I went to a lot of Psychology major parties and found them to be quite, dull. They all spent time trying to analyze what other people really meant and not enough time letting loose and enjoying themselves. Of all people, Psychology majors are the least likely to be happy.

I only spent one year as a Psych major and finished up college with a degree in History. Sure it didn't make me very economically viable at first, but I loved it. Of all the majors, I think History and English are the most fascinating. Plus English was the most likely major to have a Hot Professor to learn from. That's a nice bonus.

History though was 99% men. We had only a handful of females in my senior year and of course every one of them had a boyfriend (and for some strange reason, not one of them dated a fellow History major. So I got no loving from History girls).

History does have its stereotypes. There are three main types of History majors:
1) Someone going on to a Law degree,
2) Someone going on to a degree in something else,
3) Someone who is about to panic about the future immediately after graduation.

As you can see, nobody seems to do anything with their History degree, other than occasionally you will see someone on Jeopardy. That $14,318 they won on Jeopardy will probably be the bulk of their income for the year though.

I went back to college several years later in Computer Science. It was a big building with the Engineering students too. Man, talk about boring people. Here's one tip. If you want to get a chance for some action with someone from the opposite sex and you're either a Comp Sci or Engineering major, do two things:
1) Ditch every other Comp Sci/Engineering friend you have. They scare the opposite sex away. Trust me. "I can program in Java, C/C++, Perl, Unix Shell Scripting, and even some Fortran" is not a good pickup line.
2) Lie. To the opposite sex, you are anything but a Comp Sci/Engineering major. Not only do Comp Sci/Engineering students not get dates, there's a very good reason they don't get dates. Smelling like a European for one usually does not attract the opposite sex.

And not only that, in the corporate world, the Engineering staff stands out at the company party. They're the ones staring at their feet the whole time and leaving before the fun begins.

And now for stereotypes on other majors

Art majors are more often than not pretentious snobs. And I just love how "non-conformists" all look the same. You ever notice that? Not only that, of all majors, Art majors are the easiest to offend.

Economics or finance majors will go on to be your boss, usually useless idiots who do no real work but make twice your salary because they know how to tell you what to do. So whatever you do, Ben, wear a mask when you beat one of them up because that guy you just beat up might be your boss in ten years.

Nursing majors were the most likely to take their tops off at a party.

Education majors had wonderful hearts, but very rarely had anything upstairs.

I felt sorry for anthropology majors, so I won't go off on them here. They were usually such nice people, but I think that major was the #1 major for welfare recipients with college degrees.

Biology majors are only in college because their parents told them they had to go to college. They're also the most likely to complain about their major being too "haaard." I've taken biology classes. Believe me, that major is anything but hard.

Physical Education majors are the source of the "dumb blonde" stereotype. If you round up everyone with a Physical Education degree and shoot them, the average I.Q. of blondes around the world would instantly shoot up 50 points.

For some strange reason, Philosophy majors get all the babes. I've never understood this, but Dave explained it's because they know what they're talking about and they're confident. Sad thing is, they also excel in the corporate world as well. I should have majored in Philosophy, but I dropped my Philosophy class after spending several weeks discussing that stupid cave.

Math majors are all weird. They're usually goofy looking too.

So everyone, give Ben a hand. Tell him your major and what were "your people" like? If it was one of those mentioned above, were they as goofy as how they were in the colleges I went to? And of course if you didn't go to college, we're always game for an off color joke.

Friday, September 02, 2005

I'm outta here

Folks, it's mini-vacation time for me so I'll be away from all computers until when I go back to work Tuesday. I'm going to take the Zombieslayer family out somewhere outdoors.

If I remember, I'll take pictures and maybe post a few. I really ought to take a picture of a poison oak plant.

For everyone in the USA, have a wonderful 3-day weekend. For those not in the USA, have a wonderful 2-day weekend.

If you have anything cool to post, like either hot pics or something knee-slappin' funny, wait until Tuesday to post it. Post your boring stuff this weekend. ;)

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Hot Israeli Babe - Natalie Portman w/Jewish jokes

I saw The Professional when it first made it to the rental stores. Right away, I recognized her talent, even though she was only twelve at the time. I find it cool she went to Harvard for four years, but unfortunately, she majored in Psychology, which I've always dismissed as a quack major. I wouldn't let a shrink touch me with a ten foot pole. The only people I trust less than shrinks are lawyers.

Still, Ms Portman's gorgeous. She's tiny, only being 5' tall and barely weighing over one hundred pounds. But she radiates sexiness, in her case a mixture of intelligence, confidence, and talent. And I love that smile.

Her stints in the Star Wars movies though hurt her babe appeal. She didn't look decent in any of them. Not only can George Lucas write the most awful dialogue, he wouldn't know sexy if it came up to him and slapped him in the face. Robert Rodriguez needs to direct Natalie Portman.

Here she is. You gotta love that smile. And yes, any day now I'm expecting a reply from Ms Portman on whether or not she'll come live in the compound. Being the intelligent young lady she is, I'm sure she'll say yes.

Jewish Jokes

Disclaimer: For those of you who are new to this blog, the ethnic jokes series is out of love, not out of hate. So if you're initially offended, please understand that no one is safe from the Zombieslayer's ethnic joke series, except for the Narnians. You can't trust those Narnians though. Notice how every time you try to enter their world, the gate changes. Those sneaky Narnians.

What do you get when you mix a Catholic and a Jew?
Someone's who's self-loathing and feels guilty about it.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because air is free

How do they take census in Jerusalem?
Roll a quarter down Main Street

Two Jewish guys came across an article about the disease herpes. They both went into a panic, and decided to hit the local library to learn everything they could about the disease.

Suddenly, one said to the other they didn't have to worry about the disease. "Why's that," the other Jew asked him.

"Well, it says here that only Gentiles could get it."

And lastly, you know you're Jewish when you're a well-known, well-liked, and highly profitable Doctor and your mother still says "why can't you be more successful like your older brother?"