Sunday, July 31, 2005

To flatten or not to flatten

We spent this afternoon at the Santa Barbara beach playing volleyball. It was wonderful. There were some high school kids, some who played on their team, who we joined and we blended right in with them.

A few of us, I won't mention names, were in pretty bad shape, but a few more of us older folks held our own with the high school kids and didn't hold them back.

We ended up playing for three hours and I hope I didn't get sunburned. I didn't wear any sunblock, but kept my t-shirt on most of the time.

Anyways, before the game, my cousin and her hubby went to park along the beach road. They had their blinkers on and were in the process of backing into a spot when some punk kid zoomed in and stole the spot. It wasn't that he didn't see them, he clearly did.

Needless to say, my cousin's hubby was enraged. He was about to get out of the car and beat the crap out of this punk when my cousin physically held him back and calmed him down. "It's not worth it," she said repeatedly.

He was fuming when I met up with him. He told me the whole story and still wanted to beat up this punk kid but my cousin once again calmly explained why it's not worth it. I say he should have beat up the punk, because if he continues to get away with this, he'd do it all his life. Getting a good beating would put a stopper in this behavior.

So...who's right? My cousin, or my cousin's hubby?

Batman Begins

So I decided to go against that one post and see Batman Begins since so many of you highly recommended it and I unfortunately have nothing more to add to what you all said.

I enjoyed it. The plot was captivating. The actors did a fair job. The director shot the fighting sequences too closely so one couldn't tell what was going on. Blah blah. Same as the rest of the reviews you've read.

I did like the main bad guy. I guess his name was the Scarecrow. That was clever. Instead of having some tough guy, they took a regular, almost nerdy, guy with a soft face and effeminate lips who had a large supply of hallucinogenic gas. With the gas, he puts on a cheap five dollar mask and the victim gets paralyzed into a state of phobic psychosis. Very clever. I'd rather have that than a typical bad guy with super powers, which of course always ends with a drawn out fight scene.

What I did notice though is that Katie Holmes got a big dose of that hallucinogenic drug. Ah, so that's why she's marrying Tom Cruise. Now she has a valid excuse. She's not in the right mind.

Okay, cool. I forgive you, Katie Holmes. Instead of chastising her for marrying Tom Cruise, we need to find a way to rid those drugs from her nervous system. When she gets them out of her system, she'll come to her senses.

I enjoyed the movie while watching it. However, I won't remember it five years from now. For a comic book movie, you could do much worse. It was hundreds of times better than Daredevil which I'm still trying to block out of my memories. That's why I wish I was a wizard. I'd just put that memory of Daredevil into a pensieve and accidently lose it. If someone else finds that pensieve, they could have the two hours wasted out of my life.

This was the best Batman since Tim Burton's Batman I. It wasn't as good as the first X-Men or the first Spiderman though. 7 dead zombies.

Friday, July 29, 2005

"There aren't any real men anymore"

I've heard this complaint from women numerous times. And whether it came from some annoying whiner or a woman I genuinely cared about, my reply is always the same. "You women should have been careful for what you wished for."

Then they get mad when I shift the blame to them. Let me explain.

I grew up in a different time. I grew up in a time when a man's word was respected and when honor meant something. I grew up in a time when if you had something to say to someone, you said it. If you got your you know what kicked, at least other people would have respected you for standing up for what you believed.

It's not like that anymore. Now, whenever a guy shows any signs of masculinity, people are appalled. The extreme case of this is when cops tell you to give a criminal what he wants. Screw that! If a criminal is in my house, he dies. I don't care if he was abused as a child. I don't care if his father never told him he loved him. I don't care if his dog died when he was only three. I don't care if he had accidents during pottie training.

Any cop who goes around saying that needs to not only get his butt kicked, but he ought to lose his job as well. Protect and to serve whom? Oh yeah, maybe keeping criminals on the streets is job security. Who knows?

But going back on topic...It's in schools. Any time a boy shows disinterest (grade school is boring! it was boring in my day), they throw a bottle of ritalin at him. I would have been doped up had I grown up twenty years later. And I consider myself highly successful for someone my age. Had I been on ritalin, I'd be spending the prime years of my life staring into space bagging groceries in Wal-Mart.

I like to use TV as a barometer. Remember the old days? Sure TV was bad, but it had people you could respect. Nowadays we have shows like Friends where the "sensitive" guy, who really plays the role of a pansy who would (and should) have been stuck in a garbage can and rolled down the hill in my day, is the guy women like. And the other two guys are pretty and stupid.

Take another TV show, The Man Show. It started off as a show for guys, a show with guy things like beer, sports, and hot chicks. It ended up making fun of everything guys like.

Look at the big issues nowadays. We have gun control, which is totally anti-male. We have politicians trying to ban video games, another past time of young males. By the way, guess what? Video games don't cause reckless violence. Parental neglect does, so if you want to ban something, ban bad parenting.

Remember the Promise Keepers? They were simply Christian males who promised to be better fathers, better sons, better boyfriends, better brothers, better people, better men. And all the media did was make fun of them. Well, so much for trying to be a better man. Might as well just give up.

I was an atheist at the time of the Promise Keepers (and no, I will not disclose my current religious beliefs. We're very private), and was I offended? Not one bit. I thought it was a great idea. Here were a bunch of Christian males making the same promises as the good folks in the Million Man March, and people mocked them.

I know this post is offensive and I was initially worried about posting it because it would lose some loyal readers, all of whom I really like as people. But I have to come clean. I have to tell the truth how I feel, because it's my duty. I don't want a return to the good old days. There are things I like better about today than back then. I want a move forward, but with men to be allowed to be men again.

I want Mardi Gras and Las Vegas. And I don't want a "family-friendly" Las Vegas. I want a haven for heterosexual (both men and women) hard-core partying. The gays have Gay Pride in San Francisco, as they should, more power to them. How come there has been so much cracking down on wild straight parties? The workers of America average over forty seven hours a week of work. We all need to let off some steam in a way that doesn't land us in jail.

I want the shooting galleries back in my amusement parks. I want to be able to smile at a lovely lady without getting fined for sexual harassment. Hell, I don't even open doors for women anymore because I'm tired of dealing with the bad looks.

And yes, I know the difference between innocence and sexual harassment. I've discussed this with my female friends many times, and the line is easy to understand. When in doubt, ask. Women are more than willing to tell how they feel.

Worse yet, American "men" have given up their freedom for security. Now look. Guys with money no longer drive fast and fun sports cars. Instead they buy slow and "safe" SUVs. (Of course, SUVs aren't safe, they're actually much, much more dangerous than full-size sedans, but who needs logic and statistics when you "feel" safer?) American "men" have bought the whole gun control lie, which has been proven over and over again not to reduce crime, yet men no longer think rationally. They've lost the ability to.

I never thought I'd see the day when I was hated by some people for being a hunter. Now, these same morons eat meat, and just don't get it. Hunting is a male primal instinct. It is a safe way of being a male. Sure there are bad hunters out there who get drunk, litter everywhere, shoot at everything, and have no respect for their guns or the animals they're shooting at. But that's all you'll hear from the media. You'll never hear that the vast majority of hunters are good honest people. You'll also never hear that the most successful environmental organizations in terms of acreage saved from development almost every single year are hunting groups.

For the record, male agressiveness is a good thing. It just needs to be channeled properly. Trying to repress it will make it come out perverted. That's why we have binge drinking. That's why we have campus rape. That's why we have completely misogynistic porn (instead of healthy, loving porn, like what existed in the 70s). It's because any time a boy showed signs of maleness, he was severely punished and now it's coming out perverted. And no, I am not excusing it, by any means. I'm just telling you why it's happening.

And women wonder why real men don't exist anymore. It's because men have had their maleness trained right out of them. So when any maleness slips out, it comes out sick and perverted.

Lastly, if things are corrected, if men are allowed to be men again, women will love it. For one thing, you'll see much less misogyny, much less perversion, and you'd be respected as women as men should be respected as men.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

She Creature

If you go to DVD stores as much as I do, you might have seen a movie called She Creature staring back at you. It was one of the Creature Features movies made to emulate the 1950s horror classics. Of the bunch, supposedly this one was the only one that was any good.

You know you're curious and you're just waiting for someone you trust to review it. Well, as someone you'd trust your life with (but not your daughters), here's my review.

She Creature is a tale about a bunch of carnies in 1905 Ireland who come across a real live mermaid. The old sailor that they "buy" the mermaid from warns them that she's dangerous, but of course the stupid carnies, only thinking about dollar signs don't heed the old sailor's warnings.

So they head on to brighter pastures, America, with this mermaid locked up in a big fishtank. I won't give up more than that of the plot though, but let's just say there's a reason sailors are terrified of mermaids.

The movie makers did a fine job with the sets and the cast was okay. They set it up like the early 1900s Ireland, and the manor house and the boat gave an eerie feeling. It actually had a decent story line.

As an added bonus, Carla Gugino starred. She's absolutely adorable and throughout the movie, I hoped she didn't get killed. Carla's a hottie. You might have seen her in Sin City. Unlike Jessica Alba though, Ms. Gugino's a decent actress.

With the advances in computers, they won't be making too many movies like this anymore. They used real live props. It almost felt like a dark ride in parts.

I'm well aware that didn't rate this one pretty high, but it crept me out when I first saw it on HBO. I just knew something terrible would happen with the mermaid.

If you like cheesy horror movies, it's worth spending the $10 on this one. It's so much better than any of the movies in that awful Scream series and it's quasi-fantasy too as well as horror.

7 dead zombies out of 10.

Ethnic jokes - Mexican

This is the first in the series of ethnic jokes. I've already told French jokes and American jokes, and I've made fun of Canadians earlier. So I guess to be fair, I'll touch everyone. I'm sure some of you good people out there are feeling left out.

My disclaimer is simple. If your ethnicity has not been hit yet, wait. There's plenty of love to go around. So if you know some, feel free to add. We'll have to be entertained somehow when the zombies will be moaning outside the gates. Charades gets old fast and so does poker when money becomes meaningless.

Oh, one more thing, in the post itself, I'll either not have profanity or censor it with asterisks. But for the kids, I'm warning you in advance that the comments section will not be censored so if your kid learns a bad word from the Zombieslayer blog, "no es mi culpa." (It's not my fault - important words to remember for Restaurant Spanish speakers).

So for our fast talking and slow driving neighbors down south, here are Mexican jokes. Enjoy...

Jose all his life has been saving up to see the Dodgers play a baseball game. Finally, after ten years of hard work, he saved up enough money to cross the border and bus his way to Dodger stadium in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, when he got there, the game was sold out. So he complained his story to the ticket guy and the ticket guy got sympathetic. "Well, I guess you could sit on top of the flag pole for $5."

So Jose did. He sat on the flag pole, watched the game, enjoyed a few beers afterwards, and went home.

When he got home, all his friends gathered around and asked him questions.

"Did you make it to Dodger stadium? Did you see the game?"

"Yes, yes."

"How was the game?"

"It was nice. Dodgers came back and won in the 9th inning."

"Wow. How were the American people?"

"Oh, they were so nice. Before the game, everyone stood up, put their hands over their hearts, and sang 'Jose can you see?'"

How many border patrol agents does it take to arrest a Mexican?
Three. One to arrest him, and two to carry his oranges.

Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?
Have you ever seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?

You know the first words a Mexican hears when he comes to America?
"Attention K-Mart shoppers..."

And of course, the one joke everyone's already heard...
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everyone who could run, swim, and jump is already in the United States.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Harry Potter 7 predictions

I've decided to do a slew of ethnic jokes, one ethnicity at a time. It will have a disclaimer of course, that if you're feeling left out because I haven't hit your ethnicity yet, just wait. It will come.

In the meantime, here are my predictions for Harry Potter 7. This is only for people who are done reading Harry Potter 6. If you haven't finished it yet, do not read this post. And do not check out the comments section either, for I'm sure some of the replies will have spoilers as well. Actually, I'm certain of it.

This is full of spoilers. If you read it, you will ruin HP6 for yourself. So if you're not done yet, come back to it later.

SPOILERS! Do not click on the link below if you haven't finished Harry Potter 6 yet

This is how I feel about what happened in Harry Potter 6. Click here only when you're done with the book. Feel free to discuss and share your thoughts.

Monday, July 25, 2005

The origin of ethnic jokes in America

Every generation, it seems like a new ethnicity would come to America to try to seek their fortune. And of course, with every new ethnicity comes ethnic jokes. For example, the Italians often would not have immigration papers with them. So they got stamped WOP for without papers. Thus, "wop" became the derogatory name for Italians.

The Irish supposedly had problems with alcohol consumption. The stereotype with the Irish is that they drank too much. Thus, Irish jokes tend to revolve around being drunk.

Mexican folks were accused mainly of two things - not having car insurance and having cars that plain out don't work. Being poor immigrants when they came over, of course they couldn't afford a brand new Mercedes Benz so they'd end up with a beat up car and the stereotype stuck.

Jewish jokes tended to revolve around money, since Jews when it was their turn to come over here often ended up in professions dealing with money, like banking.

The Chinese were known for eating dogs. Thus, many of the Chinese jokes involved missing dogs later ending up on the dinner plates of a Chinese family.

The funniest in my opinion were the Polish jokes. These were downright mean though because in many cases, they were not deserved. They were more victims of practical jokes. For example, a guy would hand a new Polish immigrant a banana and would say it's a delicious American food. The guy's friends would stand around and wait for the Polish guy to eat it. Having never seen a banana, of course the Polish guy wouldn't know what to do with it so more often than not, he'd take a bite out of it without peeling off the skin. To the Americans, that proved the Polish guy was "stupid."

There are many more. I've heard jokes made about every ethnicity that has more than a million people in America. I've heard religious jokes, gender jokes, sexual orientation jokes, I've heard them all. But somewhere along the lines, people got offended and the joking stopped.

In my book, it's a shame. Back then, it was like a rite of passage for new ethnicities to get accepted into the mainstream. But political correctness is trying to destroy these jokes, which really are a part of American history. If people are too thin-skinned to accept history, how do you think they'll survive the upcoming zombie plague?

Sunday, July 24, 2005

How to handle North Korea

CAUTION - Do not read this post while you are eating.

They stand behind the mirrors looking in at the political dissident and his family with their clipboards, pocket watches, and white lab jackets. Then the gas comes. They wait. They continue to watch.

As expected, the men desperately beat at the walls, even with their knuckles bleeding profusely. They keep trying to break out of the room so their family could survive. The women on the other hand try to keep their children alive by any means. In an act of desperation, they breathe their last breaths of air into their children's lungs, even as snot drips from both their noses and their children's. The gas causes that.

Then they die. The scientists record the times. Then they bring in the next political dissident and his family.

This is one way they handle dissent in North Korea. I have heard they test anthrax on political prisoners as well. They also do medical experiments on them.

I have heard rumors of cannibalism, because so many people don't have enough to eat as Kim Il-Sung's son bathes in his $4 billion. Kim Il-Sung himself has been dead for years now, but the people of North Korea mistakenly think he's still running the show.

It's Stalinism all over again as a few million have died of starvation already, not including the dissidents who got slaughtered by their government. To make matters worse, North Korea wants to go nuclear, as in weapons, not just power plants.

Of course, the Zombieslayer has a way to handle North Korea. It's simple. Do nothing.

That's right, do nothing and tell Japan that we're pulling our troops out of Japan. You are now responsible for your own security, since after all these years, you have proven to be good guys. You've proven that long ago, we're just slow at acknowledging it. By the way, whatever you decide to do to the North Korean regime, well, just don't tell us.

If there's one thing that North Korea is afraid of is a militaristic Japan. But we better do it fast, before North Korea gets those nukes ready. I doubt Japan would want to deal with that again.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Until next week...

Folks, once again moving. We just got here too, and since being here, I've only really been here half the time. I got a job in Santa Barbara, which is about an hour and a half north of Los Angeles.

That said, I'll be on the road this weekend visiting friends on the way down. I start Monday and should be able to blog again early next week. all have wonderful weekends. As for now, I need to pack.

Seven Generations

I'm a very fortunate man in many ways. I have a good wife, a good kid, good health, and an interesting past. Believe me, I do count my blessings and take nothing for granted.

I used to tutor Native American children with learning disabilities. It actually was all right. The Indian parents let me do my job. I think anyone else would have driven me nuts. I like parents who are concerned with their children's work, but if they interfere with what I'm doing, I'll stop tutoring their children. I don't want to be lectured by stupid parents who blame me for their parental shortcomings. That's reason #1472 that I'm not a teacher.

Since I supposebly did a fine job tutoring, I got invited to their ceremonies, everything from Pow Wows to Native American drummings. They taught me more than their culture. I learned outdoor survival skills as well as better hunting and tracking techniques. I feel very fortunate to have had these experiences.

Unfortunately, much of Native American culture has been lost over the years. In the 1930s, schools would beat Native American kids who spoke their own languages so we ended up with a generation of kids who spoke only English. The backbone of a culture is its language and with only two Native American languages going strong (Navajo and some language in Alaska, forgot which one), Natives have lost way too much.

So they started adopting a sort of Pan-Indian thing. For example, the Ojibway invented the dreamcatcher, but now practically every tribe now makes them. They've melded a lot of their belief systems as well, like the Seven Generations concept.

The Seven Generations concept is a wonderful philosophy. It simply states that when you do something, think in terms of how it will affect folks seven generations down the line. Like, do you really think putting a strip mall over that excellent farmland will be a good idea seven generations from now? Or, do you really think it's a good idea to let millions of illegals flood into this country? Or, should you really be buying gasoline with MTBE in it? Also, since we're supposebly supposed to be helping the Iraqi people, don't you think it's a bad idea to be using DU (depleted uranium) in our weapons? These questions need to be answered in terms of how it will affect the good people seven generations from now.

I've adopted this principle into my belief system and I think it's a wonderful concept. The concept is so simple, yet so perfect. It's right up there with the Golden Rule in my book.

And to my Native American friends past and present, thanks. Thanks for all you've taught me, and I'm looking forward to learning more. If I ever become a Congressman, I'll be all ears with your concerns.

Hot Aussie Babe - Miranda Otto

I was watching the Return of the King DVD again and couldn't help noticing what a cutie Eowyn was. I did some research and found the actress to be around my age, which is a definite plus. Good to see a hot babe who has aged so well.

She's from Australia, again. Man, Vest is one lucky guy. I've been to New Zealand but never Australia. When I was at New Zealand, I was too young to appreciate hot chicks so I have no idea if there were a lot there. But I bet Australia is crawling with them. What a country. If they didn't have such harsh gun control laws coupled with dozens of different animals that eat people, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I heard they even have worms that borrow into your flesh. Yuck!

Here's Miranda Otto, hot Aussie babe who played Eowyn in the Lord of the Rings movies. She played a human too, which is a definite plus. Elvin chicks kind of freak me out, except for Cate Blanchett. She was a hottie.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Tails or wings?

What if you had a tail? Would you like to have a tail? I think it would be a royal pain, myself. For one thing, they don't make a good set of jeans for people with tails. For another, you'd have to have specially made chairs. Chairs nowadays always either have complete backs or backs with spaces the wrong size, sized to easily get your tail stuck. Now that would be embarassing.

The good thing about a tail though is that you could control it. But would you rather have a tail like a dog, that wags when you're happy? Or would you rather have a prehensile tail, one that you could swing from trees with? I think a dog tail would be completely useless, but a prehensile tail, now that would be cool. If a zombie came at you, you could simply use your tail to get up a tree real fast. Of course, the zombie would wait for you, but you could rain stuff down on him and keep him occupied until backup arrived.

Would you date anyone with a tail? I wouldn't. It would freak me out. You know how you used to play footsies with your date? Well, now you wouldn't know if it was a foot or a tail you're playing footsies with. That's no good.

Plus, for a fighting perspective, a tail would hinder more than it would help. I know so many judo and jiu-jitsu moves where you grab the guy's belt and throw him or use it against him in some other way. Same with a tail, except now you have two things to grab.

Now wings on the other hand, that would be cool. I could care less if anyone made fun of my wings. I'd just come up in the air and swoop down on them. The last thing they'd remember would be making fun of the guy with wings. After they regain consciousness, they'd learn the hard way never to do that again.

I'd definitely date someone with wings. If I fell in love with them, I wouldn't have to worry about them as much when the zombies come. They'd just go up in the air.

Plus, it would be so convenient. "Dang, it's hot outside, but I don't want to waste gas. Let's bike over to the park."

"I'll fly there. I'll meet you there."

How cool would that be? Okay friends, tails or wings? Plus, would you date
someone with a tail? With wings?

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

New blog site

Folks, Ben started a new site and I joined the site as well. It's about boycotting Chinese goods. The reasons are very simple:
1) Buying from your own country helps you keep your job,
2) China has nukes pointed at us. We simply shouldn't buy from a country that doesn't like us and wants to kill us.
3) From a labor perspective - there's no way we could compete with folks making less than $100 a week.
4) From a Human Rights perspective, I don't think I need to explain how the Chinese government treats their own people.

There are many other reasons, but these are my main ones. Ben may have others. So if you're interested, bookmark the site. At the least, check it out. Ben has done a lot of work with it and so far I'm impressed. China should not have the trade status we currently have with them (Most Favored Nation). It's simply corporate greed and unless you are one of the Board of Directors of Wal-Mart or something else along those lines, you are not acting in your best interest buying from China.

Boycott Chinese Goods

Monday, July 18, 2005

Poison oak or poison ivy

I always wished I had some American Indian blood. It's not because I don't like what I have, it's because Indians don't know what it's like to be itching for days from poison oak/poison ivy. Mrs. Zombieslayer is lucky. She can walk right through the stuff and not get it. She has just enough Indian blood to not get affected by it.

I used to go camping with my Pomo roommate and his Navajo friend. None of us had working cars back then so we'd camp illegally. We'd just go so far out that nobody would find us. To top it off, we'd go through some places that have so much poison oak that if Ranger Rick wanted to bust us, he'd regret it for weeks afterwards.

They'd take the poison oak vines and move them by hand so I could crawl through without touching them. I'd be really careful about it too. But still, a few days later, I'd end up with the itch and the itch would spread.

Some years I'd get it about five or six times that year. It no longer bothers me. No, it's not because I've magically turned Indian. It's because I learned a few tricks.

First off, to beat poison oak, you must learn to control your scratching. When you scratch, you spread the oils that cause those bumps. So don't do that. Think of anything else but your skin. I know it's hard. Well, now you have a good excuse to blog for hours. You won't be thinking of poison oak.

Don't sweat either. Sweating spreads the oils. Don't play contact sports. A good bump from someone and you'll end up spreading the oils to other parts of your body.

Every day, take cold showers. Use a pure soap like Ivory or a glycerin soap too. Hot showers spread the oils and I've found a pure soap is better. I have no idea why that is. Maybe less chemicals to react to the oils?

Change the sheets to your bed daily as well. In your sleep, you'll inevitably move around and spread the oils. Changing your sheets daily until it goes away helps a lot.

Also, you have heard about Calamine lotion. Don't use it. It won't spread the oils, but those pink splotches of Calamine lotion stand out and they will remind you that you have poison oak. You don't want to think about it. If you think about it, you will scratch.

Oh, and lastly, don't ever burn poison oak plants. It doesn't matter how much willpower you have. People have died from inhaling that smoke. If you inhale it, go to a doctor immediately and they will give you the shot.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

American jokes

As promised, here are my American jokes. I heard all of them from one guy, a German intern we used to have. I'll call him Herman.

Herman's a super nice guy. But like a typical European, he's an unrealistic pacifist. He has an irrational fear of firearms (so I was unable to take him to the shooting range). At least he takes showers though. Nothing worse than a smelly European.

Because of his overly pacifism, he could never be the soccer player he could have been. He passes to someone else so they could flub the shot rather than taking the shot himself. It's because he's too nice. He would rather his buddy score than himself. That's fine and all, but if your buddy's a spaz, take the dang shot yourself and score one for the team instead of being a nice guy.

His other weakness is that he's whipped, really bad. He got offended when I said he picked the wrong sister to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend's Vietnamese. She can't cook anything but top ramen. Her sister however supposebly makes wonderful pho. Now, the choice in my book is obvious. I don't care if his girlfriend's a ten and her sister's only a six. I'd take the one who could make pho. Priorities, Herman.

Not only that, at the time, we were in Santa Barbara, the town of hot chicks. His girlfriend was in Germany. We'd be walking down State Street, see a gaggle of hot chicks, and he'd look the other way. I'd say, "Herman, what are you doing?"

"That's cheating."

"Huh? I'm married and I'll still look. What's wrong with you, Herman?"

Geez. Wacko Germans.

Anyways, here they are, brought to you by Herman the German intern - American jokes.

Two Americans are in Switzerland waiting at the bus stop. A guy comes up to them and says "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"

The two Americans just look at him.

"Lei parla l'italiano?"

The two Americans just look at him.

¿Hablan ustedes español?

The two Americans just look at him.

Parlez-vous le français?

The two Americans just look at him.

Finally, the guy gets frustrated and takes off. After he leaves, one of the Americans turns to the other. "Do you think we should learn a foreign language?"


"Why not?"

"Well, look at that guy. He spoke four and look what good it did him!"

Here's another. Do you know how you spot the American?
He's the fat guy asking for directions.

And finally...
You know what you call someone who speaks two languages?

Do you know what you call someone who speaks three languages?

Do you know what you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.

Ha ha. Stupid Herman. The whole world should speak American English anyways. ;)
If you know any American jokes, please send 'em. If you got offended, unfortunately, I lost touch with Herman so I can't send his address so you can't track him down and kick his ***. If you do catch him, don't worry, he's a pacifist so he won't hit back. And if Herman happens to be reading this, I still stand by what I said that you're dating the wrong sister. Hope you didn't marry that non-cooking chick. No wonder you're so skinny.

Oh, one more thing Herman, my cousin said you had beautiful eyes. You're too late though, she just got married recently. And yes, she's a heck of a cook.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Harry Potter

The party turned out like I expected it would, with a few twists. The head of the poetry readings at another coffee shop that I have yet to step foot in was Dumbledore. Tall and lanky with a long white beard, he fit the part perfectly.

They had drinks and cookies and a few weird treats, like every flavored beans. The vomit and dirt tasted horrible, but the booger was definitely the worst.

As for the book, of course I'm not done. It's Mrs. Zombieslayer's so I have to wait until she takes a shower, does her make-up, has a bite to eat, or naps until I could read it. I'm almost on 200. Don't worry, I won't give away any spoilers, but I urge you not to read book 6 until you've read at least the latest two or three. It won't make sense.

Excellent reading so far. Ms. Rowling has lost none of her magic. As for me, the Mrs. is making herself lunch so it's back to Harry Potter 6. :)

Friday, July 15, 2005

A man I would have loved to have met

The Houston Chronicle is an awful paper. It does have a tolerable sports page. Actually, when I was living in Texas, the only thing I liked reading in it was the Obituaries section.

Lots of interesting Obituaries. I've read some that led the most fascinating lives. One that stands out is a guy I'll call Yngwie (pronounced Ing-vay).

Yngwie was a black guy who grew up during very racist times. His son
wrote the obituary and one of his earliest memories was from the time Yngwie, who made lots of money, took his family to a posh white restaurant.

Of course, all the white folk stared at Yngwie and his family, giving him a look like "what is those black people doing in this restaurant?" So Yngwie's son, being young and curious, asked his father, "why is everyone staring at us?"

With a big smile, Yngwie looked down at his son and replied, "because we're the best-looking black people they've ever seen."

The other thing that stood out from the story was that Yngwie was an alcoholic. Not a drunken rager, but a kind alcoholic who would get up to work, do his job, in fact do it well, go home, drink, and talk lots. I've known this type and actually like these people.

This is where my rant begins. The difference between alcoholics and drug

I'm not denying that alcoholism is a bad thing. It will eventually destroy your liver and take a decade or two off your life. It also brings out demons within you. I keep hearing people say things like "Bob's cool, but he's a major ***hole when he's drunk." No, Bob's a major ***hole but it takes being drunk for him to show his true side.

Some alcoholics can lead a double-life. Co-workers may not even know the guy's an alcoholic until after he retires. He could show up for work at nine, leave at five, do a wonderful job, then head home and get drunk for thirty-five years and retire. A few years later, you'd hear in the obituaries that he was an alcoholic and he died of his liver giving out.

Drug addicts on the other hand cannot live a double life for long. Usually
within a year, their double life would overlap. They'll lose their job, end up on the streets, and die by an early age, driving everyone they knew nuts in the meantime.

Once again, I'm not denying that alcoholism is a problem. I've known children of alcoholics that spend their whole lives trying to please losers because Dad was always drunk. On the other hand, I knew guys like Yngwie. He used alcohol to hide from the sorrows of racism. By the way, both of his children by reading the obituary turned out to be quite successful. Are they happy? I hope so.

For the record, alcoholism did kill Yngwie in the end. His liver gave out. But before he died, I would have loved to meet Yngwie. I bet I could have written a book about his life.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

That spider had more than one hit point

Last night, I was minding my own business, playing a game on the computer when one of those spiders with the big bodies popped out and wiggled his little tongue at me. Ha, mock me spider, time for you to die.

I wouldn't be so adamant about killing spiders had not Mrs. Zombieslayer been allergic to spider bites. Therefore, any spider making it inside the house gets a death sentence.

So I quickly grabbed something to kill it with and lo and behold, he went onto our mattress. Now that gets me mad. I can't exactly just swat it because he'd leave behind his guts and guess who would have to clean it up? So I tried to grab it.

Ha ha. Caught him. Now to throw his carcass out. Huh? The spider's now
crawling on my arm. Stupid spider.

Out of reflex, I shook my arm and the spider fell off into Mrs. Zombieslayer's books then quickly went behind the bookshelf. He got away.

This morning, I bet he's having a beer with his stupid spider friends, bragging that he escaped from the Zombieslayer. Well, brag all you want, buddy. You better be living it up for you're in the jungle now, baby, and you're gonna die.

Oh, by the way, thanks all for your kind words, prayers, support, and offers of help. I got a job. And Mrs. Zombieslayer's thinking of going back to school as a cosmotologist.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

San Francisco's Musee Mechanique

"Witness an execution," the machine says. So what the heck, you drop a quarter into the machine. The miniature castle doors open and you see a miniature little dude with his neck under the blade of the guillotine. A few moments later, the blade comes down, slicing off the little dude's head and his little head falls into a basket. Then the castle doors close. Poor little dude.

"See the artist's models undress," another machine says. That sounds fun. I drop a quarter into another machine and put my eyes up to it. A half a dozen pictures from the 1920s the size of flash cards flash by. Wow, did I see what I think I just saw? Cool! I saw 1920s nudity!

If you were ever curious to see what arcades looked like prior to video games, you'd love the Musee Mechanique. It's a place in San Francisco, now in Fisherman's Wharf, that houses games made from 1889 to the modern day. I have no idea why they included modern day games. I guess it was to make money because the first time I went there, they didn't have them. Or maybe they were there to entertain the kids.

Anyways, the bulk of the arcade games were very old. You had everything from Laughing Sal to a collection of fortune tellers. You had games that if you're old enough, you might have even witnessed them at beach boardwalks, like beat the arm wrestling machine games or mechanical boxing.

The bulk of the machines seemed to be from the 1920s. I've always admired the 20s, thinking that was the time to be alive. People had serious fun and if we had a way to measure fun, I'm convinced the 20s would beat the 60s. Sure, they didn't live as long, but they had fun living.

Nothing has changed except for better graphics. Whereas before they made games out of machines, now we use computer technology. It's still sex and violence that people want to see.

About half the games either consisted of someone dying or someone getting nekkid. No, there was no porn and the nudity was more voyeuristic than exploitive. However, pornography did exist back then. Of course, the Musee Mechanique wasn't going to include it, as they shouldn't.

In 1895, Thomas Edison invented the motion picture. The first porn that we're aware of was made in 1899. I'm willing to bet that someone made a porn in 1896.

All and all, Mrs. Zombieslayer and I had a blast spending quarters in these old machines. She had her fortune told by three different machines, all of which actually gave you a printed copy of it. Also worth noting, they had music machines (pre-jukebox) as well. If you like that old music, it's worth dropping a few quarters in them. Of course, today's kids seemed to find the old machines boring, going immediately to the video arcade games in the back.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Hot French Babe - Brigitte Bardot

Yes, it's a coincidence that yesterday I'm making fun of the French and the today, I'm posting a French chick for my current Hot Babe.

I've always loved Brigitte Bardot. Something about her - her natural look, slightly exotic. She definitely has screen presense because the only full movie I've seen her in, And God Created Woman, would have been absolutely awful had anyone else been casted in her role. In fact, it was absolutely awful other than the seeing Brigitte Bardot in it.

I won't discuss her current politics. She seems to enjoy causing controversy. Who knows? Maybe she's just an opinionated woman. Maybe she's longing for the 50s when she was center of attention. The woman I'm posting about was the Brigitte Bardot of the 50s, apolitical, and very hot. Not that I'm against controversy by any means, but my Hot Babe posts are meant to be apolitical and an appreciation of beauty.

Here's Ms. Bardot.

This next shot is a nude, although classy. She's lying on the beach in 1956 sans clothing. Click here while not at work.

UPDATE: I changed the picture. The original picture sucked and hopefully this one would give a better image of her beauty.


Last night's spoken word went really well. I did a piece based on that French Jokes post from yesterday and got a lot of laughs out of it. One person who really surprised me though was the English barber, a guy in his 60s who's exceedingly funny and witty as well. I'll call him Herman.

Herman was pissed. I have never seen him this upset. I've also never seen Herman drop the F-bomb either, which he did in his piece. In case you didn't guess, it was a piece on the London terrorist bombings.

After the show, Herman and I had a good talk for 10-15 minutes. I made it clear that I was on his side. He wanted justice and I wanted revenge. I hoped that it wouldn't take a terrorist attack to get Great Britain to show a little bit of muscle, but unfortunately, it did. He mentioned that Great Britain wasn't intimidated by Hitler and they won't be intimidated by these terrorists either. Good for the British. Any way I could help, let me know.

However, our methods differ greatly. Being a city boy, Herman trusts the government to do the job. I don't. I see the government as a bunch of stooges when it comes to doing just about anything. I'll give them props for delivering mail, making good bridges, and plumbing systems. Other than that, they seem to screw up a lot more than they get things right. And I'm not even bringing up how bad they are with our tax dollars.

I'm a redneck in that respect. 9-11 proved that government are a bunch of morons. They think taking nail cutters from 90-year-old ladies will make us safe against terrorists. What a bunch of idiots.

I used to always carry a fighting knife when flying. After 9-11, I just won't fly anymore because I'm no longer allowed to defend myself and my loved ones on a plane.

I studied Kali (Filipino knife fighting arts) for two years. I have no delusions of grandeur. With terrorists armed with box cutters and me armed with a fighting knife, it will be a one-for-one fight. I kill one of them, they kill me. Hopefully there are a few other real men on the plane like my heroes on Flight 93. If so, terrorists lose every time. If not, a thousand more innocent people die.

That's my job as man of the family. I must do whatever I can to put food on the table and if something bad like this should occur, it is my responsibility to defend the family at all costs, even if it costs my life. Because of urbanization, America has lost those beliefs about self-reliance. Now we expect the government to do everything for us. And that belief, my friends, is one of the reasons the Twin Towers were brought down so easily.

Monday, July 11, 2005

French jokes

One thing I can't stand about political correctness is the ban on jokes. I can't stand it because I love a good laugh. If you want to get on my good side right away, make me laugh. You'll have a friend for life.

Now, the only people you are allowed to make fun of without having to sit through a lecture courtesy of the Human Resource department are blondes and Rednecks. Wonder why that is. Besides an evil ex-girlfriend I had many years ago, I happen to like blondes and I also happen to like Rednecks. I married one (a Redneck, not a blonde).

Still, I'll get a good laugh out of a good blonde or Redneck joke too. Any of you old enough to remember when blonde jokes were Polish jokes?

Here are a few French jokes for you. You've probably heard them all before. If so, feel free to add a new one. If not, hope I make you laugh. Enjoy...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the Frenchman cross the road?
To get away from the chicken

Did you hear that Disneyland in Paris has banned the use of fireworks?
The French Army kept surrendering.

Did you hear about the new French tank? It has six gears. Five gears go in reverse and one gear goes forward, just in case the enemy is coming from the back

Ha ha. By the way, French Canadians, you're all right. You could take Celine Dion back though. I don't think we want her anymore. French in Louisiana, you're all right too, especially quarterbacks with funny spelled names. Your food is good, unlike the oversauced and highly overrated food from your home country.

Speaking of the home country, maybe the French are on to something. Think about it. When the zombie plague hits, you know the French have running and hiding down to a tee. It's in their blood. Imagine millions of French surviving the zombie holocaust while the rest of the Eurasian peoples perish. Hmm...

We love San Francisco

Well, just got back. The Mrs. and I spent the weekend in San Francisco. It's my favorite city and quickly becoming Mrs. Zombieslayer's as well.

Things to avoid - traffic. You need to learn the public transportation system, which is really good once you learn how to use it.

I didn't like the 4D rides on Pier 39. They're $12.50 a person for ten minutes and they're simply a waste of money. They're basically a chair that moves around and you stare at a big screen with 3D glasses. Wow. Considering you have cruises to Alcatraz, redwood groves in Marin County, and both Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and Great America not too far away, you might as well ride some real rides or enjoy the sites for that kind of money. You can even camp overnight on Angel Island, an island in the middle of the Bay. I've yet to do that though.

The Mrs. loved The Musee Mechanique and the liberty ship SS Jeremiah O'Brien the best. I'll do a write-up on each of them later. For now, it's time to visit your blogs and see what I've been missing while on the road.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Hello, and goodbye again

Folks, Mrs. Zombieslayer and I are now unemployed. She got laid off, I'm in between jobs. So we're living it up, visiting friends and relatives. I got a big interview coming up too. That said, I won't be by a computer again until probably Sunday or Monday. You all have a wonderful week and I'll blog again when I get back. And don't worry, we're doing fine financially.

My land is my land

Robert of the Libertopia blog wrote a number of pieces on this subject so much more eloquently than I ever could, but still, I wanted to write something about it. I'm sure I'm way more extreme than he though and what I'm about to say, he might want to distance himself from me. No hard feelings though, Robert. I understand completely.

I'm talking about the recent Supreme Court decision basically saying that corporations can use the government to take your land from you, with just compensation of course, if they can show that they could make the property look better. Screw that. For one thing, it bothers me to no end that recently, the trend has been the corporate state over the individual. I'd love to see a guy with a shotgun challenge this. I'd even pay for his lawyer fees if he survives. If not, I'll help out his next of kin with anything I can.

You know this ruling will be used against the little guy - the guy who can't afford a good lawyer. Corporations will look at the little guy and just take his land from him. And just compensation? Who determines that? You know the little guy will be on the losing end of that one.

I know I'll be on some list for saying this, but I don't care. I'm sure I'm already on some list because I believe in freedom still. It's all about Life, Liberty, and Property and what's mine is mine. If some corporation wanted my land, I'll fight them first through legal means. If I lose there, they better be able to run more than 2000 feet per second.

I find the recent trend towards the corporate state very disturbing. I hope to find like-minded people who truly believe in American values. I still think America is the best place to live and I'm not kidding either. But we must be vigilant in our fight for freedom. We can't let our wonderful country continue to go the route it's going.

DVD Rentals

The Zombieslayers had a wonderful four-day weekend. We went down to the San Francisco Bay Area, visiting friends and relatives. We spent the days outdoors and the nights pigging out and watching DVDs. I'll rate some DVDs for you, according to my tastes. Unfortunately, I don't have all my dead zombie images ready so not everything will get a dead zombie image. :(

Team America (unrated version) I'm a fan of Parker and Stone. I like South Park, I enjoyed Orgasmo, so I had to see this one. I was kind of disappointed though, because going in, I know Parker and Stone are crude, but they relied too much on crude humor for this. The songs though were hilarious. I loved Everyone's got AIDS, I'm so Ronery (lonely), and America, F*** Yeah!. I also busted a gut seeing all those pretentious celebrities get slaughtered. There's nothing more boring than hearing an actor talk politics, because actors live in a fantasy world and are totally out of touch with reality. Parker and Stone know this and took the most obnoxious ones and blew them up. But all and all, it was too over-the-top cheese and not really their best work. 5 dead zombies out of 10.

Dave Chappelle Season 2 You can't go wrong with this guy. As a stand-up comic, he's all right. Like him or not, Chris Rock is probably the best stand-up comic right now. But Dave Chappelle is the best comic writer. This one introduces Charlie Murphy. I finally got a chance to see what all the fuss was about. Murphy's stories are hilarious and of course Chappelle does a great job playing Rick James. The show of course is very unpolitically correct, so don't watch it with your PC friends. Definitely rent this one. 9 dead zombies out of 10.

Battlestar Gallactica Mini-Series First off, I love Edward James Olmos. I thought he was so much more cool than Crockett or Tubbs. Giving him the lead role was a great casting decision. This mini-series asks some serious philosophical questions, like, why should the human race survive? Do we just fight these monsters to survive, or do we have a higher purpose? It's well-done too. The graphiccs are okay, but they really rely on storyline and do a good job doing it. If you like sci-fi, check it out. 9 dead zombies

Family Guy This show is funny, I'll give it that. The reason I'm not crazy about it is I don't like any of the characters. You really need to give me a character to root for if I'm going to like your show. I hate that baby, I don't like the kids, and don't like the parents. If you don't care, if you just want a straight laugh, Family Guy is awesome. So, despite not liking the characters (except the dog), I'll give it 6 dead zombies out of 10.

College Part II

What to major in? Here's where people's arrogance shows. You will find a lot of elitism when people answer this question. But what I say goes against a lot of them. I say go to college in something you want to learn. Don't go in thinking about how much money you'll make. Go in with the intention of learning.

If you really want to make a lot of money, go to a trade school. Some of these trade schools have job placement programs and most of the teachers know people and if they like you, they'll hook you up.

If you decide to go to college, take at least one speech class. I took three. Take speech because it forces you to confront public speaking. I've had several situations where I had to do roundtable interviews and a good speech teacher will teach you how to relax and look cool in a situation like that.

Take at least one creative writing course. See if you could find out in advance which are good teachers and which are bad. I've had both. I've had one creative writing teacher who was so out of touch with modern styles that she held it against you if you used profanity in your writing. Imagine what she would have done for Quentin Tarantino's scripts.

Learn the scientific method. You should know how a scientist thinks. It's actually quite simple. You make a statement and try to prove it, basing it on previous studies and the work you do to show it's repeatable.

Learn basic economics or accounting. This is one big regret I had is I took neither. You might find yourself suddenly making huge globs of money and if you don't have an economic plan, you'd do what I did and go through it all.

That said, study what you want to study. I've always found a well-rounded education will be better off than a specialized one because you don't want to be specialized. If you're too specialized, you risk becoming obsolete.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Judas Priest, baby!

This weekend, the Zombieslayers will be heading down to San Francisco to see Judas Priest. We'll also spend some time in Marin, so if I take some pics of the great outdoors there, I'll post them. I might not though, because that area's so gorgeous sometimes you get caught up in the moment and forget.

So...I'll be away from the computer until late Monday night so I wish you all a wonderful three day weekend! Except of course non-Americans who have to go back to work on Monday. :p For you all, have a wonderful two-day weekend.