Thursday, June 30, 2005

For Harry Potter junkies only

Okay, if you're not a Harry Potter junkie, you can skip this post and I won't blame you one bit. If you are, I'd love to hear your two cents about what I'm going to say.

For the record, JK Rowling is on my cool list. When the zombies come, I sincerely hope she's in America and not England so we could send out a rescue squad for her. Lucas is now off my cool list and JK Rowling is on it. And I even liked Star Wars III, but its two predecessors were so bad that III did not make up for them. Goodbye Lucas, hello JK Rowling. Besides, Ms. Rowling is kind of sexy. I find creativity sexy in a woman. I was surprised to see she wasn't bad to look at either.

Anyways...Mrs. Zombieslayer already has Harry Potter 6 pre-ordered. The fourth movie also comes out this year. These are my predictions for the next two books. Keep in mind that they may not necessarily happen in 6 or 7, but they will happen in one or the other.

1) Ron and Hermoine finally get together. My guess book 7 after Hermoine breaks up with Krum and Ron breaks up with someone else.
2) Harry Potter stuns Voldemort, but Neville delivers the fatal blow. For the record, being an orphan must suck big time but what happened to Neville is even worse.
3) One of the teachers dies. I hope it's not McGonagall. I really like her a lot. My guess is that it's Snape and he dies in an act of heroism, possibly saving Harry's life.
4) Fudge dies. I wouldn't mind because I really don't like him. I'm hoping Umbrict dies too.
5) Harry Potter falls in love with someone and she dies.
6) It's an all out war in book 7. Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle's parents all die. However, Draco Malfoy turns against his father and becomes a good guy.
7) All three schools will have to unite in the fight. The good guys will get routed until the world unites against the Death Eaters.

My favorite characters - Fred and George. They crack me up. In book 5, practically every scene they were in they had me laughing. I love their blatant disregard for rules. Hermoine is a close second. I like her a lot because she has nothing going for her other than brains and ambition.

The characters I hate the most - Umbrict and Fudge. I hate them even more than Voldemort. Voldemort is selfishly evil but I can see why he's what he is. People I hate more than anyone else are people who use law to do evil. Voldemort is more like a power mad psychopath. Umbrict is more like a Stalin or Hitler. Fudge is a typical politician with his head up his you know where.

That's it. Looking forward to book 6 and movie 4. I love book four. Just finished reading it again and I'm about to read book 5 again.

Anyone else have predictions? For the record, I don't know Ms. Rowling personally so these are just predictions. I have no idea how right or wrong they will be.

Movie review - Land of the Dead

Yesterday (technically), finally got a chance to see Romero's Land of the Dead. Let me tell you that it was downright awesome.

This time around, the human race is in shambles. The movie focuses on a city/fortress run by an evil capitalist. Whereas the other movies didn't have as much of a political point to it, this one made some serious statements about class. You had a situation where one super-rich guy controlled everything, you had an unarmed middle-class and a working class/everyone else. The leader of the city only let "the beautiful people" into the main building while the working class did all the work, took all the risks, and were basically like the Proles in 1984.

One thing I liked was that you had a genuine hero in this one. He had a pure heart and it wasn't any of that reluctant hero crap that Hollywood has overdone to the point that I think the next time I see one of those reluctant hero movies, I'm walking out and getting my money back.

The hero also had a best friend, a burn victim, who was plain out cool. So we had people to root for.

John Leguizamo played a maverick and he did a wonderful job at it. His character had a lot of depth. I've always liked him as an actor too.

The weird thing about the movie is this time around, the zombies actually learn. They can now hold things and use blunt weapons. One even learns to pump gas and fire a gun. He even sort of had a girlfriend (or maybe I was reading into it, she was the chick with the hole in her face) and did a mercy killing of another zombie. It wasn't poorly done though and it did work. Keep in mind that zombies still do have brains, although of course not in as good as shape as yours or mine. They still can only verbally communicate through grunts.

As an educational film, it definitely had its moments. Of course it showed why someone who shoots one shot one kill instead of full-automatic is better in an anti-zombie situation. It also shows very graphically why you shouldn't have piercings on your body. The people who fooled around of course all died horrible deaths as did innocent people who took orders from those people. And of course unarmed people all got killed. I'm telling ya, you better buy those guns while you still can.

So, I know you really wanted to see that Herbie movie. Forget it. See Land of the Dead instead. I'm still debating if this is my favorite zombie movie of all time. 10 dead zombies.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The greatest game ever - Spoons

Okay, I have a confession to make. When you're playing, don't just try to get four of a kind. Your odds for getting four of a kind are against you. It's better to keep one eye on the spoons and one eye on your cards. That's exactly why Savage lost, he kept trying to get four of a kind instead of watching the spoons.

Whoops, lost ya. You're thinking, "what in the blazes is The Zombieslayer talking about?"

Spoons, baby! The greatest game ever invented. Greater than chess, greater than checkers, greater than Monopoly, greater than even poker.

If you don't know how to play, I'll tell you. You need at least four people, but five is more ideal and eight is too many. So ideally, you want from five to seven players. Let's just say there are five players. So you take a deck of cards and take only the Aces, Kings, Queens, Jacks, and tens from the deck. The rest of the cards you set aside.

Now take four spoons. You want to be short one spoon so since there are five players, there should only be four spoons.

You shuffle the cards and deal them out. Anyone who goes to pick up their cards before all of them are dealt gets swatted hard on the back of the hand. Naughty naughty. They must learn to wait until the dealer finishes dealing.

After all the cards are dealt, you pass one card face down to your left. You keep passing one card to your left until someone gets four of a kind. When someone gets four of a kind, they grab a spoon. If you see someone grab a spoon, you better grab one before everyone else does. Whomever fails to grab a spoon gets a letter by their nickname. Real names are forbidden.

When someone gets enough letters to form the word, they lose and they shall be punished according to the punishment you decided before the game began. You could choose any word, depending on how long you want the game to be. "Loser" would be a short game. "Buttmunch" a longer game (yes, the Zombieslayers liked the Beavis and Butt-head show).

We have had a multitude of punishments in the past. We have done everything from the loser had to wear two different colored shoes to school the next day to the loser had to ding-dong doorbell ditch the scariest house on the block. When we got older, we played spoons as a truth or dare game and in college, it became a drinking game. I have heard some swingers play it as a swinging game (no, the Zombieslayers are not swingers, I'm just repeating what I heard).

There have been spoon injuries. One of my cousins had long nails and accidently cut Papa Zombieslayer's best friend with them while they both reached for the same spoon. To this day, there is blood on that card deck. Ah, the fond memories.

Being ticklish is not a good thing. You will have moments when fighting for a spoon takes more than thirty seconds. Everyone else will back off, knowing to give them space. One will resort to tickling the other until the other releases the spoon.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu comes in very handy in spoons. Barring you're not being tickled, you will know which way the arm doesn't bend and that knowledge comes in very handy when trying to get your friend to relinquish his hold on the spoon you are both fighting for.

The Zombieslayer has never lost. Ever. My secret? Keep an eye on the spoons. Your hand doesn't matter. Odds are someone will get four of a kind before you do anyways. It's simple statistics.

So when the zombies come and the compound is secure; when our supplies are fine, our weapons are at the ready, and it's someone else's turn to be the sentry, our biggest enemy will be boredom. Anyone up for a game of spoons? The word is "stinky" and the punishment is one song of karaoke, winner's choice.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Hot Brazilian Babe - Adriana Lima

Everyone knows that Brazilians really know how to party. They also produce hot women. My lender has a hot Brazilian wife. All the Brazilian foreign exchange students have been exceptionally cool and the females have been at least moderately attractive.

Unfortunately, we don't have any Brazilian babes in any software company I've worked at. Yet another reason I need out of this stupid profession.

Victoria's Secret knows its women. They mail out those catalogs and of course I have some saved, especially the ones with Tyra, Laetitia, and their newest drop-dead gorgeous babe - Adriana Lima from Brazil.

When she first hit the catalog, I grabbed it from my cousin and showed G. G agreed that "this brunette" was by far the hottest in the issue. She quickly went on to become their current #1 model. Hah, we were right. If only I knew half as much about investing as I know about my hot babes, that anti-zombie compound would be built by now.

So here's Adriana Lima. Cultureshocked, eat your heart out. Don't worry, the invitation has been sent. I said her photographer boyfriend will have to pass the qualification test to make it in though. It's not too hard. He just has to rebuild one of my engines while fighting off dozens of zombies armed only with a crowbar and my Sears Craftsmen tools. Or he could juggle three bowling balls while standing on one leg on a beach ball without popping it. See how nice of a guy I am? I'm giving him a choice of tests.

I got tagged again

All right Laurie. I got tagged again so here goes...

10 years ago...I was waiting tables and drumming with Native Americans. No, I'm not Native American myself but I used to tutor Indian kids with learning disabilities and I guess they liked me enough that they asked me to drum with them. It was a great time and I loved doing it. I took an outdoor survival course with them as well as learned how to really track deer, the old way. I was flat broke, but I think that time period taught me what really mattered in life. I'm kind of thick-headed though so I still forget it all the time.

5 years ago...We had just moved to California from Washington state and I had the coolest job I've ever had. I worked at a software company that was in the process of getting bought out by another one. We were partying like it was 1999 every weekend. I liked every single person in the office. We played soccer every Wednesday, volleyball on the beach every Friday, then went out for dinner and drinks before hitting the town. I miss those days.

1 year ago...We were homeless (living in a motel) and broke. We knew what we were doing though and knew that if we pulled it off right, we'd be back where we were five years ago within a year (and we were almost right, we're not where we were five years ago just yet).

Yesterday...Had an old friend from that job five years ago and his new wife over from the San Francisco Bay Area. I showed them around this small town and they're glad they don't live here (too redneck for them). I taught them how to play Spoons (greatest card game ever) the night before last (Savage lost - Savage, you're glad we only made you drink a shot, you should have seen some of the punishments we've had in the past when people lost) and his wife actually beat me at Speed (very few people ever beat me at Speed).

Today...We have a rat. No, not a pet rat but a rat that's eating through our dishwasher hoses. Now every time we use the dishwasher, we have a big puddle on the floor. I'm currently waiting for the pest guy but I'm tempted to go under the house with one of my shotguns and take care of the rat myself. Tonight I have Spoken Word to do and I have no idea which piece to do yet.

Tomorrow...Don't know yet.

5 snacks I enjoy...Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, Almond Joy, See's Candies, olives (I love olives), and this might be gross to some people but I used to eat a whole can of anchovies back when I delivered pizza. Yummy.

5 songs I know all the words to...Okay, I'm going to cheat here and not do a single Heavy Metal song because nobody would know what I'm talking about. U2's One, Marianne Faithfull's Who Will Take My Dreams Away?, The Motel's Only the Lonely, Tori Amos' Winter, Mazzy Star's Flowers in December.

5 reality televisions shows I watch...We get exactly zero television channels and I like it that way. No, I'm not some anti-tv pretentious snob. We get zero channels because if we had a tv, I'd be watching it instead of getting things done. So when I was staying with my friend M in Santa Barbara, we'd watch that Donald Trump show. I just liked the end when he fires people for being dumb. That part was cool.

5 television shows I watch daily...If we had tv, I'd watch Seinfeld and The Dave Chappelle Show.

5 things I would do with $100 million.... I may not get that rich, but I plan on being rich some day and getting it all now will just speed up my plans. 1) build the anti-zombie compound, 2) design a small amusement park, 3) buy several hotels and apartment complexes so the money never stops coming in, 4) travel the world, 5) start the Zombieslayer College Scholarship Foundation.

5 locations I would love to run away to...Italy, New Zealand, Cozumel/Caribbean, Key West, Montana.

5 things I like doing...Food, family, friends, sports, and playing music.

5 things I would never wear...A tuxedo, a suit to work.

5 recently seen movies I like...Star Wars III, Shaun of the Dead, Finding Neverland, Harry Potter 3, Lord of the Rings 3.

5 famous people I'd like to meet...Monica Bellucci, Alessia Merz (both hot Italian actresses), Ron Paul (Texas Congressman and fellow gun nut), Ralph Nader (saw him speak once, his safety features saved my face), Rob Halford.

5 biggest joys of the moment...Our new entertainment center, our new grill, Judas Priest's new album, Nightwish's new album, doing Spoken Word again (which I haven't done in seven years).

5 people to tag. I'm going to break the rules and just tag three people because these guys need to update their blogs! Levi, Vest and Dave B, you're tagged.

Guns and Genocide

If you haven't figured it out by now, I love guns. I love them for many reasons. I love shooting. I like their noises (heavy metal music, baby!). I like their power, I like their looks. I like the bonding shooters get. I love hunting. I love being outdoors out of cell phone range with a bunch of friends and guns. I love the sweet smell of gunpowder.

As much as politicians and do-gooders want to ban guns in America, they will never be able to. For one reason, there are anywhere from 250 to 300 million guns in this country. There's no way even a complete police state can get them all. For another reason, there are too many people like me.

I also love history. I have a degree in it and when I get rich, I might decide to go back for my PhD in it I love it so much. People could argue psychology and philosophy with me and make me look like an idiot, but I know my stuff in history. When I'm not hanging out with the Zombieslayers and friends, writing, or working, I'm reading a history book.

By reading history, I've done a complete 180 on gun control. In high school, even though I liked shooting, I thought that the government should keep "bad" people from having guns. I learned though never to trust a government, even one with perfectly good intentions, to decide who to keep guns from. If someone was a violent criminal, they should be in jail. Maybe if we'd stop arresting potheads, we could actually keep violent criminals in jail. But that's another story for another time.

The Weimar Republic was the most progressive government of its time. They banned guns with the "good intentions" of keeping them away from the "scary" people like the Nazis and the Communists. Well, the Nazis secretly kept their guns and the Communists turned theirs in. When the Nazis took power, it sure made it easy to round up folks and kill them. They didn't have to worry about getting shot.

Hitler understood gun control made genocide easy. He was completely aware of what the Ottoman Empire did to the Armenians early in the 20th Century. He also knew that he didn't need to ban guns. The Weimar Republic already did it for him.

Ottoman Turkey's gun confiscation program worked in three steps. First they required permits for gun ownership. Second, they had a government list of all gun owners. Lastly, they banned possession of private firearms. After they completed their gun confiscation program, they rounded up about one and a half million Armenians and killed them.

The Soviet Union did the same thing. Under Stalin, between 19 million and 27 million people were killed. Makes it easy for the government to knock on your door and take you away in the middle of the night if you're unarmed.

Mao and the Commies in China did the same thing. Same story. Now I'm starting to sound like a broken record, just with different countries and different numbers of deaths. With Communist China under Mao, I've heard anywhere from 10 million to 55 million killed. We'll never know the truth.

Remember the killing fields in Cambodia? Same thing. Licenses, then photo IDs with fingerprints, then confiscation, then two million deaths. Doesn't sound like a big deal until you find out that at the time, that was almost a quarter of the population.

Remember Rwanda? The Tutsi people were banned from owning guns. Sure made it easy to get hacked to death with machetes when you can't shoot back. Now, I'd readily admit that Rwanda is a bad example because most people wouldn't have been able to afford guns anyways, but I think you get the point.

I have no delusions of grandeur. If the government wanted me dead, I'd be dead. But try taking 250 to 300 million guns away from the population at the same time. We will never reach that though because the tides have turned and the anti-gunners are getting destroyed in the elections. As of last year, the formerly very anti-gun Clinton is telling his fellow Democrats that if you want to keep losing elections, keep supporting gun control. Some Democrats are finally starting to figure that out.

So, that said, when someone tells you that we need to ban all guns, ask them who they're planning on exterminating.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Foreign Policy sucks

A good friend of mine, we'll call him...Elvis, immigrated to America from a Latin American country. He was one of the people who got me into soccer, having moves and control like I've never seen.

It took awhile for Elvis to open up to me. Most people do it sooner because although a meathead, I am a genuinely nice, caring person when it comes to one on one conversations. When he did, he unleashed horrors like nothing I ever experienced.

His birth nation was in the middle of a revolution. During a revolution in many Banana Republics, if the revolutionaries think you are helping the government, they'll kill you. If the government thinks you're helping the revolutionaries, they'll kill you. So the best thing to do is bury your head in the sand and pop up every once in awhile for air, food, and water.

The revolutionaries would start with good intentions. They'd say "the government has done this, this, and this to the people, and therefore we must overthrow them." Wonderful, where do I sign up? So you grab your rifle, give it a good cleaning, and join the revolutionaries. They take over and just like Orwell's Animal Farm, they become just as bad as the people you helped overthrow.

His father owned a store. One day, the revolutionaries came in wanting supplies and bought a bunch of crap. He had the choice, turn them away and get shot, or sell them supplies and pray the government doesn't find out. Well, the government found out and they shot him for helping the revolutionaries.

Elvis not only lost his father, he lost his next-door neighbor (whom he was very close to) and several other close friends. Luckily for him though, he was born with a high I.Q. and with his education, he got an opening in a large U.S. corporation and became an American.

Elvis is now married to a beautiful woman, has lovely kids, and makes a lot of money. He smiles all the time and seems happy, but I know it still bothers him.

The U.S. took a side in this war. We took a side because the Soviets took the other side. For the record, both were the bad guys. Needless to say, we picked the side that hated communism. We didn't care if they were fascists, as long as they hated communism. The Soviets didn't care if the side they took rounded up property owners and shot them in the head, as long as they hated capitalism.

So since neither us nor the Soviets wanted to have an all-out nuclear war, we played out our little war games in Banana Republics. We had the policy of Containment. That's what brought us into Korea and Vietnam, and a bunch of other little wars that I doubt most people in the world know about. I didn't even know of all of them until recently. I'm sure there are at least one or two that I still don't know about.

That said, foreign policy sucks. It's d*mned if you do, d*mned if you don't. While people complain endlessly about how Americans are a bunch of bullies, they have no idea how bad it would be if the communists took over everywhere.

Pol Pot, Stalin, Mao. These guys butchered millions. Pol Pot killed everyone with glasses because that showed they may be intelligent. Everyone with an education, dead. By the time the killing fields were over, one quarter of Cambodia's population's bones bleached white in the sun.

Stalin killed between 19 and 27 million. He alone decided who the enemy of the revolution was. One day, you're enjoying a good bottle of vodka with your Communist comrades. The next day, you have wet canvas
wrapped around you. When the canvas dries, it constricts and you slowly die as the canvas crushes your ribs and your organs. It's supposebly quite painful.

And Mao...during the Cultural Revolution, they worked themselves into such a frenzy that they killed and ate over 270 enemies of the revolution. During Mao's reign, between 10 and 55 million Chinese people were killed by their own government. That's communism for you.

So maybe America should just give up. Let the world kill each other. If we go in to try to prevent it, we're the bad guys. I was against the Iraq War Part II for this very reason. Sure Hussein killed tens of thousands of people, committed genocide, and his sons raped random women that they found attractive, but if America goes in, we'll be the bad guys to the rest of world, so as cold as this sounds, screw them. I'm tired of losing American lives, I'm tired of my tax money going to help everyone but me, and I'm tired of being seen as a bully to everyone else in the world. I'm also tired of ungrateful foreigners, but you already know that.

Friday, June 24, 2005


Savage and I had a conversation the other day about colleges. I'm convinced that you could get a good education from any college. It's really not the college, it's the student.

I went to a community college for two years before going to a four year school to finish up my degree. I thought the community college professors were excellent. The students however were divided between folks with no money who wanted an education, folks who screwed up high school and wanted a second chance to get into college, and kids that their parents said they had to go to college. The last set of the three were wasting their time and everyone else's. But of the first two sets of students, they usually got a wonderful education out of the community college.

The four year college however consisted mostly of middle-class kids who wanted a four-year degree. I even saw some of the young folk from my community college at the four year school.

So why are Harvard and Yale better than a small unknown state school? Contacts. That's it. At my school, I wasn't meeting the kids of people who owned corporations. I wasn't meeting future Senators and Presidents. I was meeting people who would be fighting for a job like the rest of us as soon as they got out.

In Harvard and Yale, a lot of folks had jobs waiting for them when they graduated. In Harvard and Yale, your roommate might go on to be a Supreme Court Justice. In Harvard and Yale, the lady you played Ultimate Frisbee with will end up being VP of Marketing for Wal-Mart. But did they get a better education than I did? No. They got contacts that I'd never meet. I never met anyone who decided America's foreign policy and probably never will. However, I got one heck of an education.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Men with long hair

The Zombieslayer used to have very long hair. Yes, it was half-way down my back and it looked awesome. I used both Paul Mitchell and KMS in the past, liking both of them about equally. I had so much body in my hair that I could cut off the split ends individually without going to the barber and getting an inch trimmed off. My hair was pimp.

A heavy metal musician I was. Despite losing money every year, I loved it. There was nothing like the feeling of getting up there on stage and going wild.

But I had to grow up and my hair became more of a pain than something cool, so I cut it all off and now, the Zombieslayer is clean cut just like everyone else. However, I will defend the right for a man to grow his hair out for two reasons - a lot of cool people in history had long hair, and a lot of evil people had short hair.

Geronimo and Sitting Bull both had long hair. I have a big picture of Geronimo with his serious look and a rifle in the guest room. That guy was cool. Outnumbered and outgunned, he still managed to hold off both the Mexican and the American governments for decades. You ever read his autobiography? For the record, the American government actually wanted to work with him. We gave him a raw deal, I won't argue that, but we did try. The Mexican government however wanted them exterminated.

The Vikings had long hair. So did all the people in Lord of the Rings, which although fiction, Tolkien did base his fantasy on both history and legends. And of course Jesus had long hair, as did all the Disciples.

Idi Amin, the most evil person of the 20th Century, had short hair. So did Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, and Mao. Saddam Hussein has short hair, except when he was hiding in that hole. But that's because he didn't have a barber in that hole. If he did, I bet he would have had short hair when we found him.

Those people are all on my list of the top people who suck and they were all clean cut. Most of those psycho murderers had short hair too. Charles Manson is an exception, but that's probably because he was too lazy to get a haircut. Or maybe barbers didn't like him and they just pointed to the sign "we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone" when he came in to get a haircut.

So the next time you have the urge to yell at some hippie to get a haircut, restrain yourself. Long hair on men is cool. If you want to yell at him to take a shower, then that's perfectly fine with me.

Laura and the PETA member

I lived in Texas four times in my life. I graduated high school in Texas, lived there a year after graduation, went back to film scenes in a movie (and no, I will not show anyone, it was that bad), and went back once more time to buy rental properties.

As Dave knows, Texas floods. I've been in two hurricanes in my time there. Let me tell you, hurricanes suck. Texans say "but y'all have earthquakes!" I don't mind earthquakes. If you live, you live and it's over. At worse, your house is destroyed.

Hurricanes never stop. You feel the affects from hurricanes for weeks afterwards.

Because Texas floods, they elevate some of their main roads. Budde Road, where my old piano teacher lives, was one such road. It's a road so elevated that if you go off the road, there's a pretty good chance you die, especially going as fast as some people drive.

One day Laura, a cute Goth chick friend of mine, was driving with four other girls including a PETA member. As a person, this PETA member was nice. Not very rational, but a decent human being.

Well, a squirrel jumped in front of Laura's car. Ms PETA member complained to Laura non-stop that they should have swerved to miss it instead of simply slamming on the brakes (not in time - squirrel dead). Laura said that had they swerved, there was a good chance they would have gone off the road and died. Ms PETA member said better they die than the squirrel.

Scary thing is, she wasn't joking. Even scarier, I have yet to meet a PETA member who's more sane. Nice people. But whacked.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I got tagged

All right, Sadie. I'll do it.

Trivia: If I had to choose between books, movies or music; I could only have one of these for the rest of my life…I’d choose music. What would you choose?

That would be a brutal choice, because I love all three. However, I'm going to break the rules and do books even though I chose music because my musical tastes are too old. Of all the bands I really, really like, only Cradle of Filth are not a bunch of British geezers.

Total # of books owned:
Hundreds. Our house in Texas had some sick built in bookshelves and this house doesn't so Mrs. Zombieslayer and I have books pouring into the hallway and books on the floor in every room.

Last Book I bought:
Hardy Boys' Hunting for Hidden Gold. I read to Junior every night before he goes to sleep. Last book I read to him was Treasure Island and before that, the Narnia books.

Last Book I read:
The Rape of Nanking. People rant and rave non-stop about how evil the Nazis were but they were gentlemen compared to Imperial Japan. Don't believe me? Buy this book. Just be warned, the author blew her brains out (literally) a few years after writing it. It took me months to read because it was so disgusting. And don't show this book to kids either. The subject matter is too mature. Sad thing is Nanking isn't the only city they did this to. They pretty much did this everywhere they went.

Five books that have special meaning to me:
Redneck Manifesto by Jim Goad. A book that exposes white slavery, common man white American history, and the guilty white liberal. Hated among the politically correct.

People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. Shows that no matter what color or ethnicity you had in American history, your ancestors struggled. A good book to read back to back with Goad.

Hayduke Lives by Edward Abbey. The machine is destroying the Great American Outdoors. Four of society's rejects fight it, one doing it by gunpoint. A very funny book. I'm sure I'm on some list for reading this one.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. Probably my favorite book of all time. We've probably all read it so no need to comment about it. One of these days I'll read Mere Christianity.

Lakota Woman by Mary Crow Dog. As you know, I'm sick and tired of hearing people whine about "my people," especially people who as far as I'm concerned didn't do s*** for America. However, the Native Americans did get the shaft and still do. Easy reading, but hard to stomach.

Honorable Mentions: The Harry Potter books. I love JK Rowling. She definitely has a rebel streak in her that I find so sexy. If you haven't read them, they're not just kiddie books.

I'm tagging Savage, Ben, and Cultureshocked, although Cultureshocked has the right to say no because he's in a countdown and I might screw him up by tagging him.

I have no desire to see it

Batman Begins. Fantastic Four. Two more comic book movies. Yeah.

I have no desire to see any of them. They're being heavily hyped. But I'll tell you what will happen.

The bad guys will shoot lots of rounds. They'll either miss or their bullets will have no effect. They'll be big explosions. There will be a hot chick. There will be a love story.

One of the good guys can do back flips. For the record, if you do back flips, all bullets will miss you. In fact, all projectiles will miss you. Lasers. Broken glass. Automated razor blades. Back flips have a way of making everything miss.

A lesser good guy will die. Don't worry, the main good guy will throw a bone to the lesser good guy's family and they'll do their part and go away for the rest of the movie.

The main good guy starts out as some rich kid, but something bad happens to him, so he decides to dedicate his life to fighting crime instead of hanging out with rich celebrities and going on cruises.

The good guy(s) will have a cool set of wheels. Or a plane. Or a boat, or some cool means of transportation. Or maybe all of the above.

The good guy will get seriously hurt. No problem though. He'll just take a shower and get all his hit points back. It's like those old video games where you eat a piece of chicken and get all your health back.

If you're going to see them, have a great time. I won't be there. You'll have to let me know though if I'm right or not.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Too much perfume

I was parking my car in the downtown garage and passed this guy that I could have smelled from fifty feet away. No, he wasn't a hippie. He was a yuppie with obvious issues about his smell.

With some of these people, I think of that Guns and Roses song, you know, the one that goes
I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it
so a little got more and more

Why do they have to wear so much? Is it because they've become so immune to the smell of their perfume/cologne that they forget they have it on?

What happened when that guy was young? Did he go poo poo in his pants in the first grade and carry the nickname Poo Poo Pete until his parents had to move to Florida?

All right, I'll admit. I'm a Zombieslayer, not a pop psychologist, so your guess is probably better than mine. I do know from one of the sexiest women I've ever known the correct way to apply perfume (or cologne).

You start off, right out of the shower, completely naked. Spray the bottle once or twice in the air. Walk through the spray once forwards and once backwards.

Not everyone should be able to smell your perfume (or cologne), only the one you want close to you. If you're wearing too much, you're hiding something, and turning that special someone away.

Also, more importantly, colognes and perfumes have been known to attract zombies. Wearing too much is a sure way to draw attention to you during the zombie plague. Attention is something you do not want. Remember friends, the key to surviving this upcoming plague is simply survival, not heroics, and not drawing too much attention to yourself. So either learn to wear that perfume/cologne correctly, or throw the bottle out.

Monday, June 20, 2005


I've always had the greatest respect for anyone with a good set of vocal chords. I have the strengh and the range, but absolutely horrible tonal quality. I'll do spoken word, but never sing. Trust me, I'm doing you a favor by not singing. If I really hated you, I wouldn't just shoot you, I'd tie you up to a chair and tie your hands really tightly so you couldn't cover you ears, then bring out the karoake machine, and sing until your head explodes.

I do shred on the guitar and play a mean bass as well. I got a few ragtime pieces on the piano to share with you as well, but the minute my mouth accidently opens and notes come out of it, you will leave the room. "Oops, got carried away and lost another friend."

Some people can sing though. You all know I love Pavaratti. My favorite singers though are Rob Halford, Freddie Mercury (Queen), and Ronnie James Dio.

Halford (Judas Priest) has a beautiful voice. Yeah, I know he sings heavy metal. But don't just judge him on that. Pavaratti himself once said that Rob Halford has one of the ten best voices in the world. Pavaratti doesn't say things lightly. Next month, the Zombieslayers will be enjoying his voice with the reunited Judas Priest in San Francisco. Looking forward to it.

It makes me smile that Freddie Mercury right now is singing with Ray Charles on the keyboard and Jimi Hendrix and Randy Rhoads trading licks on their guitars. Jaco Pastorius is on the bass. Sorry, no drummers in Heaven though. (For those who've known me for a long time, I don't see eye to eye with drummers).

Ronnie James Dio's always the forgotten one. People will list their favorite singers and totally forget just how good Dio is. The guy has a beautiful voice. He sings mostly heavy stuff, but when they play a ballad, everyone stops and listens. "That's Dio?" Yes, that's Dio.

Well, I'm prejudiced towards the heavy stuff. Who are your favorite singers, living or dead? Anyone out there like Elvis? I think he's cool but before my time.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Hot American babe - Tyra Banks

There are women that other women find attractive and women men find attractive. Julia Roberts is a woman that women think is pretty. I think she's hideous. She has the worst smile, a pencil-thin neck, and a funny nose. Pretty woman she is not.

Halle Berry is another woman that women think is pretty. Sure, I've met some guys think she's hot too, but I'm not one of them. She's not unattractive, like Julia Roberts, she just doesn't do it for me. I'd readily admit she has a near perfect body and a perfect set of hoo hoos. I think it's her short hair. If she grew it out, then maybe she'd be on my hot list.

I've always liked Victoria's Secret catalogues. They've produced so many good looking women over the years. Their models have bodies, something most runway models don't have. Case in point - Tyra Banks.

Now Ms. Banks is definitely a man's woman. Sure, her face is just okay. But her body is perfection. I've talked to many a woman about the beauty of Ms. Banks and they've all tore her to shreds. "Her eyes are funny," "her boobs look fake," "she always gives that same look." All right. Diss her if you want, but if you're going to kick her out of bed, at least you can be a decent person and send her over to my anti-zombie compound.

Stupidly rich

You hear all the time people saying how hard-core they are by saying "I know this one guy who killed someone," or "I know this one guy who was like the toughest street fighter in Brooklyn." Yeah, whatever. But have they ever met someone who's richer than
Paris Hilton?

I've always wondered, what would it be like to be stupid rich, i.e., so rich that even someone as stupid as Paris Hilton can't go through it and would die still being filthy rich? Well, I met someone stupid rich. His name is...let's call him Leroy.

Now, every time but once, I've seen Leroy with a big smile on his face. I'd be smiling all the time too if I never had to worry about money.

Leroy didn't work. Actually, I had no idea what Leroy did. An hour before a soccer game or a beach volleyball game, we'd call Leroy and he'd just show up, dressed up for whatever we were playing with his signature smile. A few times he didn't make the games, like when he had to pack to see what Europe was like.

So we didn't see Leroy for several months. He had a good time in Europe. He liked America better though so he was happy to be back.

He went through Police Academy once. I asked him if he wanted to be a cop. He said no, he couldn't be a cop. I asked him why, and that was the only time I'd seen him not smile. He said it's because if he got his hands on a child abuser, he'd probably kill them, so he couldn't be a cop.

Now, before you jump to conclusions, Leroy was not an abused child. It's more a sign of purity. Leroy hated to see something he sees as pure and good get abused.

The Zombieslayers moved far far away and I haven't seen Leroy in several years. Last I heard is Leroy Sr just had a new $30 million home built. I can't imagine a home worth $30 million, considering I already know I could get my anti-zombie compound done for less than a tenth of that including land. And my anti-zombie compound is gonna be da bomb. Fo' shizzle fool.

So, do you know any stupidly rich trust fund babies like Leroys? Care to share stories?

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Open Letter to PC Nazis

You will not change the way I look at the world. You will not change the way I feel about people who are different from me. You will not convince me to tolerate someone I don't like. You will not convince me to hate America and be guilty for being a heterosexual male. You will not convince me to hate Christianity and like every religion but mine better than my own.

I will not apologize because my family owned slaves a hundred years before I was even born. I will not apologize because I eat three good meals a day and there are other people out there starving. I do not want my taxes raised either to help those starving people, especially ones far far away from me that I'll never even meet. I want to decide what charities to donate to and I don't want your dirty hands touching any of my money and making that decision for me.

So, you hate America's foreign policy. Well, what do you expect me to do about it? Hate to break it to you, but I've never gone golfing with President Bush. I've never had a musical jam session with Condoleezza Rice. I've never gone out shooting with Dick Cheney. I know Michael Jackson better than I know Donald Rumsfeld, which is from newspaper articles, not in person. If you asked anyone who makes real decisions who Mr. Zombieslayer is, they'd say "Mr. Zombiewho?" I didn't even vote for Bush. I voted Nader the first time around and Bednarik the second time around. In case you're too stupid to figure that out, Nader is not Bush and neither is Bednarik. They are both far, far, far away from Bush's ideologies.

That's right. So get off my a** already about it. It's not my fault one bit and I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt about it. You PC Nazis just don't know when to shut up. You are like an annoying kid who keeps poking at the kid doing his homework, then wonders why the kid doing his homework suddenly gets up and beats the crap out of you.

I write to entertain. Some folks like my stuff. Some don't. If you don't, there are plenty of other blogs out there that I'm sure will put up with your pretentious PC crap more than I would. And don't go following me around to other blogs either to start crap because that's just not cool and it's totally inconsiderate of the other person's blog.

For the rest of you non-PC people who still know how to laugh, thanks for putting up with all the crap I've had to put up with on this blog the past few weeks. However, now you'll have to excuse me because I have some more Dave Chapelle to watch.

PC Part II - The boy who cried wolf

Bigot. Fascist. Racist. Homophobe. Prejudice. Intolerant. Anti-Semite. I have heard those words so many times that they seriously mean nothing to me. When I hear someone call someone else any one of those words, I simply tune the caller out.

Nowadays, the only time I'd listen to those words is when it's in a comedy skit, like how Uncle Leo in Seinfeld called everyone an anti-Semite. The cook accidently screwed up his order and gave him a ham sandwich. Of course, he must be an anti-Semite. That's funny stuff.

Or even better, the Dave Chapelle show. I know his show is rude and crude, but he makes me laugh. I loved it when Dave Chapelle was the blind head of the KKK. That's funny stuff. If you don't know who Dave Chapelle is, he's a comedian who will do anything to be funny even if it means offending everyone. I'm surprised some do-gooder Tipper Gore wannabe hasn't tried to censor him yet.

See, this is another thing I love about America. The little nuances that make up our humor foreigners just don't get. The Canadians get it because we're practically the same people, except they have better sex than we do and they have this concept called health care, but we make more money and own cooler guns. But other foreigners always get offended by our humor. Come on, if they get offended by me, do you really think they could stomach Dave Chapelle?

Where in the world was I planning on going with this? Oh yeah, I'm talking about the boy who cried wolf. Remember that story when you were a kid? Well, there will always be people like the Jesse Jackson types who will look for racism when it's not there and scream and shout until everyone walks away. His work will actually undermine the great strides that some of my heroes like Dr. King and Rosa Parks did, because everyone else is just tired of hearing about it. When I hear the words "racist," "bigot," "intolerance," "sexist," "prejudice," I shut them out. I'm sick of it. Those words are so overused by the people who will never experience prejudice in their life that when real prejudice happens, nobody lifts a finger to help.

Frankly, Americans are all in the same boat. It doesn't matter what color skin you have, your religion, your gender, etc. Our government has become the world's rent-a-cop and spends like there's no tomorrow. We're giving our economy to every other nation but us. We're letting everyone and their grandma immigrate here. I think there are much bigger fish to fry than dealing with people's feelings. And also, the way I see it, if someone is offended that easily, they're way too thin-skinned to survive the upcoming zombie plague.

P.S. For all you Dave Chapelle fans, of course he's getting an invitation to the compound.

P.P.S. My immigrant bashing has nothing to do with legal immigrants. Those good folk actually pass tests in American history, our culture, and our Constitution. They end up knowing more about America than a lot of native born Americans do.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Red's Meatballs Part I

Folks, this is starting to get real weird. I'm starting to think there is a higher power at work here, and I'm not sure if it's God or Satan. I'll figure that out later. What I do know though is every time I go to cook Red's Meatballs, something comes up and I'm prevented from doing it.

Many of you know Red much better than I do. One thing I know of Red is that she's proud of her cooking talents. Not only is she proud of her cooking talents, she's kind enough to share some of her recipes. That gets a thumbs-up in my book, for the qualities that will automatically get you an invitation to my anti-zombie compound are - having a superb sense of humor, being a hot Italian actress, or having some other much needed skill.

I'm a good cook, but I don't want to do 100% of the cooking. Plus, I like variation and I don't want to eat my food every day, especially when we have zombies moaning at the walls 24-7.

I only cook stuff that takes more than five minutes to prepare on the weekdays because I get home late and have very little time to spend with Junior before he goes to bed (he's still in school). Since Red posted her famous Meatball recipe, this is what happened on my weekends - we have surprise guests who specifically ask for the famous Zombieslayer bar-be-ques, we go down to the San Francisco Bay Area to visit friends, Mama Zombieslayer came up from Texas so we went out to fine restaurants every night, and last weekend, I get stricken with the stomach flu so any chance of cooking goes out the window. I don't remember what order that went in besides last weekend because I suffer from CRS (Can't Remember S*** for those who don't know about the affliction).

So that said, hopefully this weekend I'll post Red's Meatballs Part II when I actually comment on how they tasted.

Why New Zealand will be where they film all the great movies

I've been all over New Zealand and loved the country. It's a country two-thirds the size of California with less than four million people. Imagine that. New Zealand has so many things California would have had if we would have controlled our illegal immigration problem. First off, it has fish.

Imagine sticking out your fishing pole and catching a dozen legally sized fish in a half hour. That's New Zealand for you. In California, you actually have to work to catch fish. Sure you'd catch fish, but nothing like you would in New Zealand.

It has open space. Having lots of environmentalists, California has set aside a lot of acreage of open space. We have Big Sur, Point Reyes, we have several good sized redwood groves, we have Yosemite, a lot of the Sierras, and a bunch more, too many to rattle off at the top of my head right now. By the way, if you ever come out to California, forget the touristy spots. Go to Big Sur and Point Reyes and if that doesn't make you an environmentalist, you have no heart.

That said, California has too many people already. We've already passed 30 million. Not sure when we'll reach 40 million, but I assume it's sooner rather than later. Hopefully I'll be living in my anti-zombie compound (not in California) by then. So many gorgeous areas in California have already become suburbs, urban sprawl, and strip malls. So many places where I used to hunt, fish, and hike now have houses. It really is disgusting.

However, New Zealand will still have four million people, it will still be beautiful, and it will be the last nice place on earth where you can film great movies without computer-generated images because it still has open space.

If you haven't seen them yet, see all three Lord of the Rings movies. Even if you hate them, watch them for the scenery. That, my friends, is New Zealand, a country unspoiled by the countless hordes. And it will stay that way unless the politically correct take over the country and start feeling sorry for everyone like we do here.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Why I'm for Physician Assisted Suicide

I've had the stomach flu for two days now. It's getting better. Yesterday, I never left my bed except for going to the bathroom. Mrs. Zombieslayer actually had to bring me food and water because I literally could barely move. Today, I actually did a full day of work, although from home because I didn't want to affect my co-workers.

I barely ate anything for the past few days. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost a lot of weight. I hadn't checked the scale because I don't want to know.

Melanie posted in her blog about a slow death vs a sudden death. I chose sudden death. I don't want to waste away.

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandpa, not like the three screaming kids in his backseat. Har har.

But seriously though, I wouldn't wish this stomach flu on my worst enemy, much less see someone waste away with symptoms like this a la stomach cancer. I've always feared getting something like that and spending the last year or so of my life in continual pain, where the last weeks I cannot even leave the bed and I'm the skeleton of the man I once was. I don't want to be hooked up on wires in constant pain. When I get to that stage, I just want to die.

The choice should be mine and mine only. I haven't signed a living will yet, but I'm going to grant Mrs. Zombieslayer the right to make that choice too, because I trust her in that decision. If I'm incapacitated and can't scream "Kill me!" after a nasty car accident that left me without the use of my limbs and in constant pain, I'd rather she hired someone like Dr. Kevorkian to end it all. I wouldn't want to be pulled off life support, that's cruel. Just end it.

That said, I hope I die in my sleep when I'm old and had accomplished all I set out to accomplish. I hope this will never be an issue for either me or Mrs. Zombieslayer to deal with.

Nerdy question

Just out of complete curiosity, what browser are you using to view blogger? Internet Explorer? Firefox? Safari? Netscape? Opera?

I'm currently using Firefox and I love it. I also like Safari a lot. One or the other is my favorite browser, but Safari's only on the Mac. It's based off of Konqueror, which started off on Unix/Linux.

Do you have a preference or do you just use what's available?

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Hot American Babe - Aria Giovanni

I will make no apologies for my love of beauty. I love watching sunsets, but actually prefer a sunrise. It's just I'm not a morning guy so I rarely see one though. One of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed in my life was seeing a sunrise near the Caldecott Tunnel when I had to pick up Papa Zombieslayer at the Oakland Airport.

Snorkeling off of Cozumel, collecting shells in the Philippines, hiking in the Sierras, driving around New Zealand, strolling through the redwoods of California, jogging in Vancouver. Good times. I love beauty.

People talk about culture and all that jazz. Not that I'm against it. I see plays occasionally and love Tchaikovsky and Brahms as much as the next guy, but I'd rather be outdoors appreciating natural beauty. One thing that even trumps the outdoors though is the sight of a beautiful woman. Aria Giovanni is a beautiful woman. Part Native American, part Italian, part something else and something else, if I knew her in real life, I bet I could look at her for months and not get bored.

In defense of nudity, I would rather have my son see full on nudity than a decapitation. Bothers me to no end that some PG movies (I'm not talking PG-13, but PG) actually have decapitations yet almost any nudity warrants an R rating. What kind of morality is that? Attack of the Clones had several decapitations, including Mace Windu cutting off Jengo Fett's head right in front of Jengo's son. Mission to Mars had a guy spin around into he exploded into blood. James Bond movies have numerous instances of people exploding. All these movies were PG, not even PG-13.

And no, I'm not a hypocrite about nudity. I don't b*tch to Mrs. Zombieslayer when she leaves her Playgirls on the floor because she doesn't b*tch at me when I accidently leave my Perfect 10s or Penthouses on the floor.

I'm not an extremist about nudity either. I wouldn't advocate walking around naked everywhere. Some guy at the post office changed his shirt and he had hair coming half way up his back. That was disgusting. People like him should be fully clothed because I want to keep my lunch down.

I'm not anti-violence either. Don't get me wrong. I love a good slasher film as much as the next guy. I just think Junior would be better off if he saw hoo hoos than decapitations. That's all I'm saying.

A big Thank You goes out to a certain Yankee fan, you know who you are, who posted pics of Aria Giovanni on his blog. I had forgotten all about her. After seeing her on his blog, I went to my crusty old PII 300 mhz linux box and ran these commands:
$ cd Pics/Aria
$ ls -R | wc -l
My linux box shot back 376.

With Aria, unfortunately, almost all my pics are explicit. Even her clothed ones are explicit. Yes, sometimes a picture of someone with clothes on could me more explicit and offensive than a nude shot. Sorry, she's a soft core porn actress so it's hard to find clean and classy pics of her. I hope this one suffices.

This next link is nude and not work safe. Please do not open this at work because as I've said before, don't get fired because you have bills to pay and guns to buy before the upcoming zombie plague hits. Yes, she has a very big, healthy butt. With her, it works, and I love it. Her big, healthy butt is welcome in my anti-zombie compound any day.

Do not open this one at work unless you're the employer (you can't fire yourself, can you?).

More P.C. lies - bullies

I'm so proud of Junior. He really does have a heart of gold. I already told you the true story of how he saved his buddy's life. I would have grounded him for going in the creek after the storm when he should have known better, but grounding was not necessary because he learned the hard way that a river is stronger than even the strongest of men.

He also recently almost got expelled. Why? For beating the s*** out of a bully. A warning of expulsion? He should have gotten a medal. Reason #5386 why I wish we were in a financial position where I could homeschool him.

There are two big lies that P.C. people will tell you about bullies. First, they'll tell you bullies are cowards. Huh? No, bullies aren't cowards. They're tough kids with a level of anger that they cannot control. If they were cowards, everyone else wouldn't be afraid of them.

The second lie is to never attack a bully. Instead, go tell a teacher. Yeah, that will work. Then everyone else in the school will call you a tattle-tale because kids would rather be friends with the bully than with the normal kid.

Always attack first. Attack hardest. And keep attacking until your enemy goes down or out.

Junior's bully loved to start trouble with other kids. He was used to everyone else backing down. Of course, he never got caught and all the teachers thought he was just swell because teachers have only two eyes and bullies know that. Simply pick on kids when teachers have their eyes elsewhere.

We had one bully in the ninth grade who would slap kids right in the classroom. In this case, the teacher didn't care because the teacher was his wrestling coach. He would sneak up on them and lift up their hair, then slap them hard on the back of the neck. I was always the curious fellow, so I'd immediately look at the teacher to see his response. I could have sworn he was hiding a smirk every time the kid did it as he pretended to grade papers.

Well, Junior was waiting in line for lunch, minding his own business when the bully walked right up to Junior, made an obscene jester, and cut in front of him. Junior did give him a warning. Bully should have heeded it.

So just as I taught Junior, he did a quick trip, got into the mount position (a wrestling position where the wrestler mounts his opponent - the best position for "grounding and pounding"), and proceeded to punch him in the face until a teacher broke up the fight.

The bully got off completely and Junior was made out to be the "bad guy." He was given a harsh warning - one more and you're not only out of the school, you're out of the district - an expulsion notice.

Now some people might think what Junior did was wrong, but I'll tell you why it's right. If a bully is never challenged, he will be a bully his entire life, until he gets his a** kicked.

Case in point. Work. Grown men are supposed to behave better. They don't. If you work in a large corporation, you'll meet people who are so good at kissing a** with their bosses that they get away with murder with the grunts. I worked with a guy who was about 6'5" and full of muscle, an alpha male. Nice guy to me, so I never had a problem with him. But he used to muscle around my boss all the time.

"This and this need to be done by Monday or else we'll have to step outside," he'd say in a joking voice. My boss knew he wasn't joking, he was being condescending. He was intentionally intimidating my boss because my boss at the time was a semi-Alpha male - good looking, in good shape, and moderately smart, but not as big as Alpha Boy. The problem with Alpha Boy is he needed a good a** kicking. He needed to cut in line in front of a guy like Junior, my son, my young hero.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Why did the old man cross the road?

He doesn't know either.

Alright. That was stupid but I made it up and had to say it. Here's one that I didn't make up, requested by Mrs. Zombieslayer.

There's a five-year-old and a four-year-old, two brothers. One turns to the other and asks, "Do you think we're old enough to swear yet?"
The other says, "Yeah, we're old enough to swear."
"Cool. I'll say h*** and you say a**."

So Mom calls them down for breakfast. "Okay kids, what do you want for breakfast?"

The first one spurts out, "Oh, h***, I'll just have a bowl of Cheerios."

So Mom spanks his butt so hard he cries and runs up to his room. Then she turns to the other and asks "what do you want for breakfast?"

"Well, you can bet your a** I'm not getting Cheerios."

Hot Aussie Babe - Cate Blanchett

Other than her spelling her name funny, I like Cate Blanchett. Of all the actresses alive today, I see her, Natalie Portman, and Kate Winslet as the classiest. Those three remind me of the old movie stars like Audrey Hepburn.

I like how she carries herself and I find her accent intoxicatingly sexy. She's a little on the thin side, but it just works with her.

Unfortunately, I have yet to see her in another movie besides those Lord of the Rings movies. The big question I have is if it hurt having her ears stretched to play an elf. Also, how long does it take for her ears to go back to normal? Hmm...

Here's Cate Blanchett - hot Aussie babe. Hey Vest, I know you answered this before but how come Australia has so many hot babes?

Friday, June 10, 2005

It has begun

So, you're staring at your clock. It's time.

"Come on, men," you order as you double check your rounds. You're ready. The gates open. It's thirty minutes until the delivery truck arrives with goods and you have to clear a path of zombies so the truck could safely get in or else he'll simply pass up your compound and go to the next one.

Now, the big question is, you have time for five songs in your iPod (don't worry, batteries are not in short supply. So, what are they?

I'll tell you what's playing in mine. Sure I love Tchaikovsky's 6th, Brahms' 4th, and Bruch's violin concerto as much as the next guy, but that's not zombieslaying music. Neither is Tori Amos (love Little Earthquakes) or Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily (wonderful tour). You need zombieslaying music.

Golden Earring's Twilight Zone. "When the bullet hits the bone, baby!"

Judas Priest's Painkiller. "He is the Painkiller! This is the Painkiller!" Those words go so well with dropping zombies.

Slayer's War Ensemble. Would be perfect if they changed the words to "It's how many zombies I can kill."

Prince's Let's Go Crazy. Why not? Put a little grove into zombieslaying.

And lastly, the Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive. That's the name of the game, friends. It's all about staying alive. Now if a metal band like Faith No More will actually do a funk metal cover of that, that would be da bomb, baby!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Why I hate political correctness Part I

I've done many things to put food on the table. I've been a guitar instructor, waiter, a pizza delivery, worked in just about every fast food restaurant you could think of, fitness counselor, did tile setting, basic plumbing, was a Merry Maid for three days, and now work with Unix systems. It's funny because starting off in working class jobs, you get slightly class conscious. You realize that a lot of upper middle-class people can be very snobbish. Not saying they all are, but a lot of them are.

And they're the most politically correct people you'll ever meet. They're more holier than thou than the most annoying preachers. Ironically, they're about the least likely people to ever experience discrimination.

Political correctness is a downright lie. They're telling you to supress what you've learned from experience. Supressing things will only make them come out more perverted. If you want an example, ask some guy in who's in jail for beating some gay guy to death.

Junior's school is disgustingly politically correct. They keep drumming into the kids' heads not to hurt anyone's feelings. Yeah, that will prepare them for the real world. In the real world, politically correct people may do well on a corporate job because they're the biggest ass kissers you'll ever meet. However, take them into reality, how the other 90% of the world lives and they won't be able to handle it.

I'll continue this next week because I have to get to work, then this weekend will be too busy to blog. I do have other pieces written that are sitting in the queue, including a certain Yankee Fan's Aria Giovanni post that I owe him. However, in an ideal world, I'd bitch slap all P.C. people so they can go to their room and cry and wonder why the world is so unfair. Unfortunately, in this world they all have better lawyers than I do.

Is your love strong enough?

Enough's enough. I couldn't wait any longer. I marched into Tower Records and straight out bought it. I bought the Ultimate Edition, because it contained both a disk with the Euro version and a separate disk with the American version that has the Tangerine Dream soundtrack.

Legend. If you love fantasy, this movie's da bomb. And no, in case you're worried about it, Tom Cruise didn't kill it like he kills everything else he's in. Still, it would have been better if they casted Johnny Depp.

The disk set comes not only with the version Ridley Scott wants you to see (with the orchestra - one of these days, I might give it a shot), but also with the isolated Tangerine Dream sounds so you could play it and do your housework with their music as a backdrop. Pretty cool. And I know it's not heavy metal, but I love the Brian Ferry song Is your love strong enough?. Did you know that was none other than David Gilmour playing the guitar on that song?

Legend's a Ridley Scott flick about an innocent but naive girl who touches a unicorn and almost unleashes hell on earth. It has Mia Sara as the girl with Tim Curry as the Dark One. Awesome costumes. Awesome sets. The DVD's okay quality. I guess they salvaged it as best as they could but it was nothing compared to seeing it in the theatre.

I get the impression that Ridley Scott didn't like the Tangerine Dream soundtrack too much because they didn't bother remastering it into real high quality sound like they did with that orchestrated score on Disk 1. That's the bummer of it, but still, I love the movie. I know it was cheesy, but it and Ladyhawke were the two best fantasy movies until the Lord of the Rings series came out. Can't wait for Narnia too. I loved the books.

9 dead zombies. Wish they could have salvaged the movie better, but I'll take what I could get in this case.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Yoda walks into a bar...

Yoda walks into a bar and says "Ouch! See the bar I did not."

Toe fungus ads

I love the internet. There's so much to find on it. I just learned about blogging recently from my friend Dave. I thought his blog was so cool that that night, I went home and started The Zombieslayer blog. Now I look at his blog and say, "Dave, when are you going to update your blog?!"

I love the internet. All the free porn you could possibly want. What an invention.

But there's one thing I hate about the internet. Toe fungus ads.

I'd be going around, doing my research on, downloading porn, catching the news on, checking out my bookmarked favorite blogs, downloading more porn, checking sports rumors, and suddenly, a toe fungus ad. I don't care what it came up on, I immediately close the window. I don't care if it's 100 free pics of Aria Giovanni. I don't want to see a toe fungus ad.

They're disgusting. They're repulsive. Very few things in life are more hideous than a dirty pair of feet. Now, nice feet are sexy, but dirty feet with toe fungus, yuck! Not only that, toe fungus ads always have close ups of nasty feet. Double yuck!

Remember Cindy Crawford? Remember how she used to be the rage, the supermodel? Well, she had bad feet. One day I saw her in an interview and she flashed her feet up to the camera. Ever since then, her hotness went from 9 to 4. I'm serious too. I'll readily admit I have a slight foot fetish and cute feet with average looks is way better than hot everything else but bad feet. Fine, I'm weird.

But that said, if you're running a website and you have a toe fungus ad for your advertiser, I'm warning you that you're doing more to hurt your website than you can possibly make from the toe fungus ad. Anyone else disgusted by them?

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

The Zombieslayer - a mixed drink?

I'm not much of a wine drinker. Nothing against wine, but Mrs. Zombieslayer doesn't like it so if I open up a bottle, I have to finish it myself. That's no fun.

She likes a good beer. She prefers something smooth and light, like a Corona or Sierra Nevada Wheat. I personally like Texas' Shiner Boch and England's Newcastle Brown Ale, but I enjoy Sierra Nevada as well.

I like rum. She does too. When we went on our first cruise a few years ago, we drank happy rum drinks with everything. Man, that was one fun week. Nothing like sitting in the adult hot tub (nothing against kids, except in water they go pee pee) with my lovely wife, some other hot chicks, and a big rum drink. Yes, there were several adult hot tubs but for some reason, we always ended up in the hot tub with hot chicks. Wonder why.

However my favorite drink is 2 parts cream or whole milk, depending on whether or not I'm stocking the ice box with cream, one part Kahlua, and one part Baileys. Shake it up with no ice and enjoy. Yummy. That's my favorite mixed drink. I'm hoping it doesn't have a name for it yet. Any bartenders out there? If not, it will hence forth be known as The Zombieslayer, a drink that will give you a good zombie fighting buzz without making you too incapacitated to kill zombies accurately.

What about you? Do you drink? Do you enjoy a cold one or a mixed drink?

Monday, June 06, 2005


I had a History Professor once tell the class that there were three cuisines in the world. You have your Asian cuisine, where there are too many people and not enough food so they basically eat anything and everything. You have your European cuisine where the meat's awful so you spice or sauce the h*** out of it. And you have your American cuisine where you actually have enough food so you eat lots of everyhing.

I originally thought he was joking. After graduating, I started making enough money to sample different cuisines. He wasn't joking.

Everyone has their favorite and least favorite cuisines. Here are mine.

First off, I looove good Italian. Sometimes I think I need to move to Italy. They still like heavy metal there. Their actresses are hot. They had a porn star in their Senate. And their food...

Second, I love Thai food. Mrs. Zombieslayer loves Thai best and Junior loves Thai iced teas.

Third's a toughie. I really like Sushi. I like Korean bar-be-que. And I like Pho and Vietnamese spring rolls.

What don't I like? Two cuisines I can't stand. Both are highly rated too and I don't see why. I hate French food. I see French food as cheesy yuck yuck. It's oversauced and they seem to rely more on their presentation than food quality. I guess if they can't make it taste good, at least make it look good, right?

And I hate Indian food. I loathe it. Tastes like dirt. Or more like they took some bits of chicken, overcooked it until it's mushy, and added mud. Yuck. You couldn't pay me to eat French or Indian food.

I used to hate Ethiopian food. I had an ex who I swear is in league with Satan sometimes who was a vegetarian. For one thing, vegetarian food to me is like going to an exotic ice cream shop and ordering vanilla. So one day she took me to an Ethiopian restaurant and ordered a bunch of meatless crap. It tasted like someone poured a bunch of flour into a plastic bag, added water, and shook it up then served it with different sauces.

Ten years later, I visited my buddy in Austin, Texas and he took us to an Ethiopian restaurant. It was yummy. Not my favorite, but still enjoyable. So maybe that first Ethiopian restaurant was a bad example.

I like Mexican food, but it doesn't like me. Every time I eat Mexican food, I regret it for days afterwards. So, no more Mexican food for me.

We all know the British can't cook, so I won't even go there. It's like saying William Shatner can't act or Britney Spears can't sing. No s*** Sherlock.

What about you? Fav cuisines? Cuisines you despise?

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Hot American Babe - Amy Lee

My buddy Ryan, who introduced me to such bands as Nightwish and Lacuna Coil hates Evanescence, but he agrees with me that Amy Lee is hot.

Mrs. Zombieslayer loves them. She's currently blasting them as she's cleaning the house. I just got the dishes done and I'll be going to the store shortly to pick up the ingredients I need for Red's meatballs. I'm going to make Red's meatballs tonight with Giada De Laurentiis' marinara sauce.

Amy Lee is hot, she can sing, and she co-writes the music. She even designs all her clothes. I like those qualities in a woman. Plus I'm still not sick of Fallen, even though Mrs. Zombieslayer still plays it three to four times a week.

That bad news is that Ben Moody has left the band again, so don't expect their next album, if there is a next album, to sound similiar. Bummer. Oh well, here's Amy Lee, hot American babe.


I partially judge people by the words they use. Words expose a lot about a person, how they feel about themselves, how they feel about others, their strengths, their weaknesses, their loves, their wants, their prejudices, etc.

I found this up on a wall somewhere. I have no idea who wrote it, but I liked it so much, I wrote it down. If anyone wants to take credit for it, go ahead. Here goes:

Did is a word of achievement
Won't is a word of rebellion
Might is a word of mediocrity
Can't is a word of defeat and fear
Ought is a word of duty
Try is a word of little faith
Maybe is a word of procrastination
Will is a word of courage
Can is a word of power and self-determination
Doing is a word of progress and fulfillment
Done is a word of success

You are born with Rights. Government does not give them to you.

This is very important. Have you ever read The Declaration of Independence? It specifically states that Rights are something you are born with, not something the government gives you. People nowadays don't get this simple fact. They think that government grants you Rights. No, you are born with them. Huge difference.

If people keep having the attitude that government grants you Rights, they willingly will turn us into a Police State. I know a lot of people think these are just meaningless words. Far from it. Our Rights were fought for and good people died for them. We must have the same vigilance of our Founding Fathers. I don't want to end up like China or the former Soviet Union. I enjoy my freedom and can't stand to see it getting given away piece by piece.

My friends, we must be vigilant. No compromise. Never trade in your freedom for security.

And once again, here is the Bill of Rights, one of the greatest things written - ever.

Article [I.]

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Article [II.]

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Article [III.]

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Article [IV.]

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Article [V.]

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Article [VI.]

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Article [VII.]

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Article [VIII.]

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Article [IX.]

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Article [X.]

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Hot Belgian babe - Audrey Hepburn

Well, I missed her. May she rest in peace. I'm too old for some things and too young to remember Ms. Hepburn in her prime. Bummer.

I looove smart women. Audrey was smart. And classy. And a heck of a dresser. And she spoke six languages fluently. She even helped in the resistance against the Nazis. If she loved guns and played bass, I'd be working on a time machine.

I got so pissed off when Hollywood selected Jennifer Love Hewitt to play Audrey Hepburn. Hewitt has no class. She's crass, and also has a horrible face. Why couldn't they have had Natalie Portman play her? I like Natalie. She reminds me of Audrey Hepburn.

For those who wonder why she was skinny, it was because when the Nazis fled Holland, they took everything that wasn't bolted down, including all the food. Ms. Hepburn survived on tulip bulbs and her metabolism never recovered. Not that I mind her skinny. Skinny just looks right on her.

Anyways, here's to your memory, Ms. Hepburn. I enjoyed many of your movies.


As I've said before, there must be a balance between labor and the capitalists. If the capitalists have too much power, the workers get exploited. If labor has too much power, nothing gets done.

Currently in America, it's tipped heavily on the side of the capitalists. Capitalists have found an old tool, just with slightly different looks -
outsourcing. What capitalists don't realize is this time, it will come to bite them in the a**, as it already has.

I had my job outsourced to India in 2002. I loved that job, gladly averaging 45 hours a week. In the early days before we went public, I worked around 50-55 hours a week. According to my former boss, my work ethic, my performance, and my jokes to this day are sorely missed there.

We got bought out by some other company and that company's CEO retired, and he got replaced by some hot shot CEO from another company. We literally would have been better managed by a pack of monkeys than this guy, who watched our profits turn to losses as our stock quickly dipped from over $100/share to under a dollar a share.

So we went through three rounds of layoffs as the laid off people had their jobs sent to India. I survived round one and got hit round two.

Before I got that job, I was making x amount of money and spending y amount of money. Afterwards, I made 4x and spent 3.5y. I bought my first new car ever. Money ended up everywhere, in restaurants, barbershops, G-strings, hotels, resorts, clothing places (I had formerly worn hand-me-downs or shopped at Goodwill), etc. A lot of it went to Canada and Mexico too, because I loved visiting our neighbors to the North and to the South.

After getting laid off, I stopped spending. But it wasn't just me, it was everyone else who got their jobs outsourced. The economy crashed and the S&P 500 has yet to recover from what it was five years ago.

I now make 2x and spent y, so money no longer goes into local people's pockets. It's not that I'm now cheap, it's because I fear it happening again and we want to have a safety net. I no longer invest in stock, so it's hurting the stock market as well (the capitalists).

As for those outsourced jobs, they spend money in their own country. They pay their mortgages or rent there. They buy their food from there. They buy local clothing, etc. It does not help us in any way and people who say outsourcing benefits us are either misled idealists or plain out liars. Every time Lou Dobbs has debated pro-outsourcing people, he has shown again and again that they have no facts to back up their beliefs. Dobbs has facts to prove outsourcing stinks. The best they can do is say the benefits will come. When?

The point I'm trying to make here is not only does outsourcing not benefit us, it hurts you as well. If you're a restaurant owner, I'm no longer your customer. If you were my waiter or waitress, I was the guy who tipped you 20% for average service and 25% for good service. If you were my barber, not anymore. Mrs. Zombieslayer now cuts my hair. I no longer have a masseuse. I vacation locally now. It's back to hand-me-downs and Goodwill for clothes. General Motor's and Ford's performance for the past few years is proof that nobody is buying new cars anymore.

I shop at garage sales for clothes and furniture instead of buying new stuff now. We used to buy lots of books, but now bug the local librarian to purchase such and such book if the library doesn't have it, so it affects authors and publishing houses as well. I also pay substantially less in taxes than I did when I made money. Hint hint to any government guy reading this. And believe me, it's not just me. I'm using me as an example of many good, hard-working folks who got laid off and are currently underemployed.

Oh, and don't worry about us. We're doing fine financially. We're still on track to get that anti-zombie compound built within a few years. I'm not b*tching, I'm just saying that I spend considerably less and because of this, we're not helping the economy like we used to. And by us not spending, it's hurting you (if you're a North American).

There is a solution though and it's very simple. Tax outsourcing. Tax it enough that the government will get its lost revenue and some of us will get the good jobs again. The US is in heavy debt. People are making less money so they're paying less tax. It's so simple, even a guy like me with only high school economics could figure this out.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Finding Neverland

Johnny Depp has become my favorite actor out there. He brings his unique charm to every role he plays. I probably wouldn't like his politics too much, but as an admirer of film, I set that aside and just judge him for his work. As for Kate Winslet, always a pleasure to see her in a movie, even though this is only the second one I've seen her in. She reminds me of the more old school actresses, the ones with charm and class, like Audrey Hepburn.

Finding Neverland is about J.M. Barrie, the author of Peter Pan. You have probably heard of the Peter Pan Syndrome where the "inflicted" refuses to grow up. Well, Mr. Barrie definitely had it.

He had it because of a life full of unfortunate events. His father died when he was very young and older brother died in the midst of his childhood. After the death of his older brother, his mother had a nervous breakdown, never noticing the young Barrie until he dressed up as his older brother.

Mr. Barrie wrote screenplays with some of them making him wealthy, but none as great as Peter Pan, a play that was revolutionary for its time. That play was so magical that fifty years later, Walt Disney made a movie out of it.

Kate Winslet played the widowed mother of several boys that Barrie met while playing in the park with his dog. Barrie befriended the children and later Winslet's character, all at the expense of his marriage to his wife.

I won't give away more of the plot than that, but I will say that this movie was magical and a must see for those who love fantasy. Barrie loved his Neverland and only wanted to share it with others.

And yes, even though I am the Zombieslayer, my first love in film is the fantasy genre. Zombies are real life, and fantasy for me is escapism, so that's why I prefer fantasy to horror or any other genre. But enough about me. Go see the movie if you have yet to see it. 8 dead zombies out of 10.

Thursday, June 02, 2005


I know it's not politically correct to even mention that spouses have separate roles. That's how silly we have become as a society. Hate to break it to the P.C. types out there, but Mrs. Zombieslayer and I have separate roles.

We're good at different things. I can't make a bed to save my life. It always looks like crap. I'm completely unorganized as well and if I were to clean up a room, things you needed from the room will be forever lost. I'd forget where I had stuck them. Luckily for me, I found a woman who knows how to do all these things.

Mrs. Zombieslayer used to do 100% of the cleaning while I worked to pay 100% of the bills. After my job got sent to India, she had to go back to work. We hate it this way. Now that she had to take part of my role as breadwinner, I had to take part of her role as the one who does the cleaning. Now I do 100% of the dishes as well as take care of the entire kitchen. I've always done the cooking, even when I was the only one who worked. I'm the one with culinary talent between the two of us. Before she met me, she used to eat microwave dinners.

She also takes care of paying and mailing out the bills. We've decided that if I actually find a job that pays so she doesn't have to work anymore, that she'd still retain this role. She has a neat little organizer that tells when all the bills are due and she mails them out about five days before the due date. A most excellent system. My system was more like "Oh Sh*t! This bill's late. I better mail it out."

Do any of you have set roles? I'd be most curious to hear them.


I don't like the Beatles. I'm sure they're nice people (besides John who was an egomaniac), but I'm referring to their music. I can't stand it.

I know it's probably sacrilege to say that. They were the hottest selling band of all time. Why they are and Judas Priest isn't, I have no idea. But that's besides the point. The point is, they're a band everyone likes, they put out tons of albums, and of all their music, I only like one song, A Day in the Life. That's it. Oh, and I can stomach While My Guitar Gently Weeps.

When I was buying the house we're currently in, the selling real estate agent and I somehow got on the topic of music. Neither of us liked the Beatles. I called them "Prozacky" and he laughed.

Ever see Ren and Stimpy? The Beatles are like The Happy Happy Joy Joy Song. Listening to them is like putting on that helmet. You think you're happy but you're really not and when it ends, you feel like going postal, like Ren did.

I will not allow Beatles albums in my anti-zombie compound. If someone plays the Beatles, I'm likely to shoot the speakers. I'd rather hear the incessant moaning of the zombies outside the compound than the Beatles. That's how much I don't like them.

Anyone else hate something that everyone else likes? Like apple pie? Krispy Kreme doughnuts (yummy)? Massages? Harry Potter books? The movie Titanic?

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Stupid dreams

A lot of people have been posting their dreams lately so I guess I'll post the last two I remembered, just so you can hammer away at them. You know, get into the mind of The Zombieslayer.

The first one happened about a week ago. Details are vague, because I rarely wake up at the same time. If you wake up at the same time every day, you're a lot more likely to remember your dreams. Just sharing a little helpful hint for those who like to remember them.

Anyways, I was at a Cyndi Lauper concert in about the first or second row. Actually, it must have been the pit because I had no problem seeing the view.

Cyndi Lauper was completely nude, wearing nothing but make up and carrying the microphone free from the mic stand. She actually had a pretty nice body in the dream, although I've never found her attractive in real life. So I woke up, and I was thinking to myself, what in the world was I doing at a Cyndi Lauper concert?

This morning, I remembered my dream. I was hanging out with Paris Hilton of all people. I have no idea why I was with Ms. Hilton, I just was. And no, I'm not in the slightest bit attracted to her. In the real world, I put her slightly ahead of Rosie O' Donnell when it comes to attractiveness. And yes, I would kick her out of bed.

But in the dream world, she was smart, funny, and quite witty. We talked about all kinds of things you wouldn't expect her to talk about, things that you'd expect to make her head explode. She actually didn't like too many celebrities and didn't enjoy being one herself.

We parted on good terms, then I woke up. Strange. Of all people, the one who you all voted as the celebrity you'd most likely enjoy seeing eaten by a zombie. She was high on my list too.

Well, go ahead and read into these dreams if you wish. That's all the info I could give you, because I only remembered the tail end of both of them. I am convinced that some dreams are meant to be analyzed and some are completely worthless. I'm under the impression that both of these dreams are the latter.

Places not to visit Part I

I have a list of places to visit. Unfortunately, I have to work so only a few of these places get visited every year. These places are places recommended by friends or places that I'm sold on by reading National Geographic Traveller. That mag is a cool mag by the way. Luckily we get it in the local library, so I can read all the back issues and drool over the cool places to visit.

I also have a list of places not to visit because they suck. I don't like places that are overcrowded, where the people are exceptionally rude, places that smell bad, or places filled with ugliness and filth. That's why I stay away from places like New Jersey.

First on my list is a place called Western Sahara. First off, Western Sahara is complete anarchy. If I'm not mistaken, Morocco is supposed to control it, but they don't, and I don't blame them for not doing their job one bit. It's like having a retarded dog. You kind of accidently on purpose let him run around without a leash and hope he gets hit by a car, then you pretend to be sad when you get the apology knock on the door. You let your kid answer the door and maybe the poor bloke will give you $10 so you could get a real dog.

That's Western Sahara for you. It's the retarded dog you wish a car would hit.

Western Sahara is full of quicksand. If you ever get stuck in quicksand, move as slowly as possible. Yell for help but if none comes, try to slowly swim out. It's the best chance you got. But keep in mind, zombies can survive under quicksand for years so given the fact that you can't see through quicksand, as if the quicksand wasn't bad enough, you might get bitten by a zombie as well.

Western Sahara also had a civil war not too long ago. The civil war left behind anywhere from one to two million landmines. So if the quicksand and the possible zombies in the quicksand aren't bad enough, you have a good chance of stepping on a landmine while visiting Western Sahara. No thanks.

It has zero square kilometers of water and 0.02% of the entire area is arable. Since all the people are nomadic, nobody knows the birth rate or death rate, life expectancy, nor even the literacy rate, but I imagine it's not very high. Most people don't reply when they're asked where they want to go to college "I want to go somewhere in Western Sahara."

If I were an alien, now I'm not implying aliens exist or anything, so don't think I'm weird, but if I were an alien and I had to abduct humans, run tests on them, then return them, I'd do it to someone from either Western Sahara or Texas because after dropping them back off, they're all weird anyways so nobody will know the difference.

So, if your best friend is planning a vacation in Western Sahara, just tell them that between the quicksand, the landmines, and the zombies, you don't think it's a good idea and you'd rather choose somewhere else. You could even use me as a reference.