Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Life Insurance Policies

Some folks have been asking me whether or not they'll get to collect if their spouse gets killed by a zombie and comes back to life. Well, I have life insurance, making sure that if something happened to me, Mrs. Zombieslayer and Zombieslayer Jr. would not be in dire straits financially. So I called my agent and asked. However, they haven't returned my call yet. When they do, I'll let you know.

Monday, May 30, 2005


Well, there have been several anonymous posters talking about Wobblies on this blog. They keep talking Wobblies obsessively, like they're the greatest thing on Earth. So, I'm thinking where have I heard about Wobblies before? Then I realize, ah ha. Wobblies. From that book People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. That's it.

Wobblies are the nickname for the labor group Industrial Workers of the World, a union that believed that the capitalists can never be trusted and workers must get together as one and fight as a group constantly against working class oppression. They were one of the first unions to admit women, blacks, foreigners, and unskilled workers, when other groups were more specific.

They started in Pennsylvania and in the early 1920s may have had as many as 300,000 followers. Working conditions were so bad in those days (1910s and 1920s) that when a mine collapsed, the capitalists only asked if the mules made it out alive. The capitalist class often hired armed thugs to break up strikes and in many cases fired into crowds, killing sometimes as many as twenty to thirty strikers.

The Wobblies played hard-ball back. Those who had guns fired back (not everyone could afford guns back then) and those who didn't defended themselves with what they could.

Well, time progressed and giving credit to the struggles of the Wobblies and other labor unions, workers started getting the 40-hour work week, safe work conditions, and laws on their side instead of against them. For this, we have labor unions to thank, including the Wobblies.

Thanks Wobblies (and other labor unions). Okay, I gave thanks, but some of these guys on this blog are going overboard, wanting to cuddle and kiss these guys. I won't go that far though.

I am not a Libertarian

I got a chance to see the Libertarian presidential candidate speak. I think his name was Bednarik. I liked him. He gave us an excellent analogy. He asked us if we'd like to move back in with our parents and live by their rules. We all said no. He asked us if we'd rather make our own decisions or let our parents make our decisions. We said we'd rather make our own decisions. Then he asked if we'd rather make our own decisions or let the government make decisions for us. We said we'd rather make our own decisions. In his first five minutes, he displayed more intelligence than Bush or Kerry (not saying much), so by the end of his speech, I decided to vote for the guy.

I'm not a Libertarian though. Never have been. Probably never will be. For one thing, I've been to many Libertarian meetings (I go to political meetings all the time) and one thing they have in common is they're cold ass people. They basically believe you get what you deserve. If you're poor, it's your fault for being a lazy ass.

No, I don't buy that. There is such thing as bad luck and I've seen it happen way too many times. I don't want to pay for someone on the dole who's lazy, but I will gladly pay for someone on the dole who the floor fell from under him. And do you expect me to believe that Paris Hilton earned her millions?

The other major beef I have with the Libertarian party is that they're anti-environmentalism. Hate to break it to you Libertarians, but one of the reasons I love America so much is that we're not India. We don't have human fecal matter floating in our rivers because the sewage gets dumped straight in. We don't have half-burned up human corpses floating down the river because the guy doing the incineration ran out of gas.

Sure some corporations pollute and get away with breaking laws, but we do have standards and for the most part, they are enforced. And sure the Bush Administration is a nightmare to environmentalists, but he's still head and shoulders over anything in the Third World.

I've been to Mexico City and it's disgusting (a great time, but you'll take ten years off your life living there). Compare Mexico City with any city in America, even Houston or L.A., and there's a night and day difference.

Libertarians refuse to acknowledge that. They refuse to acknowledge that there are good environmental laws and setting aside some land for Natural Parks is a good thing. They'd just as soon open the whole country to the highest bidder. Screw that.

Item #3. I know labor unions are corrupt. I know some union employees are the laziest people in America. But I also know American history as well as about anyone and know without the unions, there would be no middle class, there will still be child labor, they'll be no minimum wage, and working conditions would be atrocious.

There must be a balance between capitalists and labor. Too much power to the capitalists and labor gets exploited. Too much power to labor and nothing gets done. Libertarians hate labor unions and will take the side of the capitalists every time.

Nope. So for me, those are the three main reasons I'm not a Libertarian. Love their civil liberty plank, especially their disdain for all gun laws, but nope, The Zombieslayer's not one of them.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Hot American babe - Jessica Alba

Robert Rodriguez used to be on my cool list. He was there, until Sin City. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I read an interview with Jessica Alba where she offered to do a nude scene and he refused because he said that it wasn't necessary. Wasn't necessary? What's wrong with you Robert Rodriguez?

Ms. Alba was born in California, one of the few natives. I'm a transplant from the Midwest and Mrs. Zombieslayer's a Southerner.

I have yet to see Ms. Alba in a single movie so I couldn't tell you if she has acting talents. But she is sooo pretty. And she can dance, which is an added bonus when it comes to sexiness. I'm not talking about jumping around like a monkey like J. Lo or Britney Spears do. I'm talking about real dancing.

So here's Jessica Alba. I already sent her a letter asking her to move into my anti-zombie compound so she could be safe when the zombies come but got some rude letter back from a lawyer. Don't know what that's all about. Stupid lawyers.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

More fantasy films, please

Since the whiny 90s ended, there have been two big movements in A-movies - fantasy and comic book movies. I did enjoy Superman I & II, Batman I & II, Spiderman I, and X-Men I. I enjoyed them, but none of them are really memorable enough to shell out bucks for the DVD.

As for the recent move towards fantasy, we now own Harry Potters 1-3, all three Lord of the Rings, and are really looking forward to the first Narnia movie. Excellent job, Hollywood. Loved Pirates of the Caribbean as well.

The 80s had fantasy A-movies. Most memorable were Ladyhawke and Legend. Legend could have been better if they used someone other than Tom Cruise, but luckily he didn't destroy that one. We also liked some of the others like Willow and Labyrinth.

Those types of movies aren't being made anymore. Besides the Harry Potter movies, all the fantasy they're making are based on old books. I'm trying to forget I saw the movie Dungeons and Dragons, so
no need to bring that up as an example.

So, if there are any Hollywood producers out there, let me give you a tip to make a quick buck. Make an original A-movie fantasy. You can base it off a Piers Anthony, Margaret Weis, Terry Brooks, Anne McCaffrey, or Mercedes Lackey novel. All those authors have enough of a following that
you'd at the very worst get your money back. Or you can even take one of the better trash fantasy/romance novels and make it into a movie. I'd see it, and so would millions of other folks.

There's no need to make a movie after every comic strip that has ever been made. It's already getting old. Batman III and IV, Daredevil and X-Men II all sucked and Spiderman II was mediocre at best. And even with Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four, I'm not going to rush out and see it. So go all out fantasy and millions of moviegoers will thank you for it with their wallets.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

William Mulholland, Los Angeles, and the St. Francis Dam disaster

When I was single, I'd travel the Western states with a camera. I have so many pictures of much of the American West. I think I will always be in love with the West.

Easterners to me always seemed snobby, seeing Westerners as uncultured with a weak view of history. I'd trade open space for culture any day. Open space is something the East does not have, and it's something hopefully the West will keep if we start taking immigration problems seriously.

The Western history is interesting in fact. You just have to know where to look.

Only a few years ago, I learned about a guy named William Mulholland, after seeing the movie Mulholland Drive. If it weren't for this guy, Los Angeles would have never existed.

Los Angeles is basically desert. Mulholland managed to steal water from Owens Valley and divert it to create the city Los Angeles. The city though continued to grow faster than the water could come in so they needed more.

That's when Mulholland built the St. Francis Dam, in 1924. Well in 1926, the first cracks appeared. Mulholland dismissed them as trivial. They began to leak. No problem, he assured everyone. Dams do that. In 1928, the damkeeper Tony Harnischfeger warned folks that the leaks appeared serious. Mulholland once again assured everyone that the leaks were nothing to worry about.

In March, the dam broke, killing Harnischfeger and between 400 and 500 others. Much of Ventura County got flooded, especially Santa Paula, and bodies appeared as far away as San Diego County. They kept finding bodies for years afterwards and the last body found was in the 1990s.

What's left of the dam supposebly can be seen from San Francisquito Canyon Road. No, I don't have pictures because I've never seen it. Hopefully next time I'm visiting friends in Southern California, I'll take pictures of the wreckage.

Mulholland was tried for manslaughter. In the end, he got off because they said it was the rock formations and many people believed it was sabotage. He did die in a sort of self-imposed exile. Giving credit where it's due though, had it not been for Mulholland, Los Angeles would probably not exist as the city it is today.

The La Conchita disaster

I wrote this in February 2005. Unfortunately, it's a true story.

This morning, I woke up on the side of the road to go to work. The storm
closed the rest area I usually sleep at. Another hour south, I pass Santa
Barbara, Montecito, and Carpenteria, then head out into no man's land
between Santa Barbara and Ventura counties. Not too far into Ventura
County on the east side of Highway 101 is a small town called La Conchita. It's weird how I used to drive past the tiny community every day and not think about it.

On January 10th, La Conchita had a series of mudslides. The last one
culminated in ten people killed and 15 homes destroyed. You could still
see the tops of the homes buried under the mud. The town smelled
terrible, worse than when they dredged up the beach in Santa Barbara to
move the toxins somewhere else. I can't see how anyone could continue
to live there because of the smell alone, not even thinking of the
possibility of a worse mudslide.

I did some research on the small town in Ventura County. It appears it has a history. The first written account I could find was of 1865, where
people warned builders that the area is prone to dangerous mudslides.
Twice in the 1880s, mudslides buried part of the town. Not sure if any
deaths occured, but Union Pacific had two train cars buried by one of the

The current town is built over another mudslide. In the 1930s, a
California geological official told the press that he wondered how anyone
got permits to build in that area. He warned of a long history of
mudslides, saying that the mountain above the town was under the ocean
only 30k years ago (a short time in geological history), and the soil
there was too soft to be safe.

That said, a wall was erected to protect the town from a mudslide. Part
of the wall was destroyed by a mudslide in 1995, and the most recent one
went through the wall like a large wave burying a kid's sand castle.
One guy lost his wife and three children. While going out for ice cream,
he heard a thunderous roar and ran back to his house to find it buried
under the dirt and mud from the mountain behind the town. Along with
rescue workers, he worked for hours trying to get his family out of the
mud, and even heard their last screams, but nobody could tell where the
muffled noises were coming from until they had suffocated under the mud.
"It was heaven on earth," one of the denizens told the reporter. He told
them that nobody ever locked their doors, and people would watch each
other's kids and pets. Everyone knew everyone and everyone helped each
other out. Now, most of the people have moved out, but some stay behind.

They're awaiting a decision by the state whether or not the town will be
condemned. They all moved in knowing that they could neither get a
mortgage nor insurance for their houses for the companies all knew it was
a dangerous area. California geologists repeatedly called it the most
dangerous town in California. Needless to say, it was weird, seeing a town I drove by every day, barely noticing its existence, getting covered in mud with most of its residences still in their homes. If this story has any meaning, it would be to take the advise of geologists seriously.

This image is taken during the 1995 mudslide. I will leave it up to you to decide if you want to view those images.

Which fictional character would you want on your side in the war against zombies?

I love Ash in the Evil Dead/Army of Darkness trilogy. He's smart, witty, thinks on his feet, but a little too full of himself. He did forget the words though and that caused the undead to reign down on the
castle, so now that I think about it, would I really want Ash to help me fight zombies in real life? Probably not. He'd probably hit on Mrs. Zombieslayer too.

I imagine Arnie Schwartzwasher has B.O. His character in Terminator II though would be cool to have. You could program a Terminator not to stink. Wouldn't you like to have your own terminator? That would rule. It would rule even before the upcoming zombie plague.

"Hey Terminator, get me another beer. This one's warm."

"Hey Terminator, fix my transmission."

"Hey Terminator, keep an eye on my lawn. Next dog you see who goes poo poo on it, find out who the dog's owner is and beat his ass."

You also won't have to worry about your Terminator getting infected because he has no brain. The actor who plays the Terminator has no brains either. Wonder how he ever got elected Governor. But that's besides the point.

Now, about fictional characters from books. Let's see. Problem is, most books I read don't have characters who could fight zombies any better than I can. So I'd have to pick someone that could at least make the siege interesting. I'd have to pick Fred and George Weasley from the Harry Potter books because every scene they're in, they're doing something funny. I love J.K. Rowling. She could really write.

Or Aslan from the Narnia books. He'd just pounce on the zombies. He probably won't crush their skulls though, so they'd still be alive, but picking them off would be easy once they're all so badly mangled. Wouldn't it be fun to ride on the back of Aslan with a trusty bolt action deer rifle, picking off zombies? That would almost be as fun as...
Alright, I won't describe my fantasies with certain hot Italian actresses.

What about you? Which fictional character would you want on your side in the fight against the zombies? It could be from book or film. Or one of each. Or whatever. Let's hear it.

Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith

If you haven't seen it already, I will warn you about two things. First off, the level of violence should have merited it an R rating. But that's a gripe I have with the stupid movie ratings system. Graphic violence is alright but nudity will warp your kids. So I will warn you in advance to seriously consider not taking the young ones to this one. The second thing is more important.

I read the script before seeing the movie, so I knew coming in that the dialog was horrible. Absolutely horrible. Plus, I will warn you that the acting stinks. The only one who seemed to act well was the guy who played Palpatine/Darth Sidious.

Knowing that, do not expect decent dialog. Do not expect decent acting. Go in knowing that both stink, and you won't be disappointed.

The movie lasted two hours and thirty minutes yet it flew by so fast that it seemed like only a half hour. Lucas is top notch for directing action, and this movie delivered. Practically the whole movie consisted of fighting scenes, and they all worked. I don't want to give much else away. You already know the story. You already know who lives and who dies. And it will relieve you to know that Jar Jar has zero lines of dialogue, although they do show him in a scene or two. Unfortunately, it's not a scene where a stray lightsaber cuts him in half.

So...leave your brain at the door. Let the bad acting and bad dialogue go, and enjoy the thrill ride. Despite its flaws, Mrs. Zombieslayer and I loved it. We loved how it tragically tied the two trilogies together as well. Eight dead zombies from the Zombieslayer.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Hot British Babe - Naomi Watts

Finally, a hot babe besides Kate Winslet who's not Italian.

I had no idea until only a few days ago that Jet from the movie Tank Girl was none other than Naomi Watts. What a cutie, I thought when I first saw that movie. No, not Tank Girl but Jet. I've always been attracted to the Nerdy types. Nerds, Goths, Metal chicks, chicks along those lines all get thumbs up from The Zombieslayer.

Her best role of course was Mulholland Drive, a David Lynch flick. If you've never seen it, you missed out because Lynch cut out the best scenes from the movie. If you have seen it, you know what I'm talking about. Despite taking out that scene, it's still a wonderful movie. At the job I had at the time, we compared notes back and forth what each scene meant. I loved it, but some other employees dismissed the flick as artsy fartsy drivel.

I actually found the brunette more attractive. Sure Ms. Watts had a prettier face, but the brunette had the perfect bod. Well, years later, I have yet to see that other actress. Ms. Watts has gone on to be a successful actress, even though I didn't really like The Ring and have yet to see I Heart Hucklebees.

Here's the incredibly pretty Ms. Watts, an actress even older than the Zombieslayer yet still hot.

My hats off to the Minutemen

I love America. I love America for her freedom and her gorgeous open space. Unfortunately, we're losing both.

We're losing freedom because of indifference and fear. Too many good folks don't vote, don't raise a stink when some evil law gets passed and don't put their foot down. As for fear, today's politicians have good folk convinced that we need to trade in our freedoms to protect ourselves from terrorists. That's just plain stupid because it's freedom that will protect us against terrorism in the first place. But that's another rant for another day. I want to talk about the decline of our open space.

Americans have already achieved zero population growth. Then why is America's population spiraling out of control? Immigration. We simply allow too many immigrants.

If you sit in your a** all day and watch the idiot box, then it shouldn't concern you. But if you love the outdoors, like to hunt, fish, hike, mountain bike, rock climb, shoot nature photography, shoot outdoor porn, ski, snowboard, etc., you've probably noticed that every year, you seem to have less places to go.

Somebody though is taking matters in their own hands. There's a group of good Americans who are working within the law to catch illegal aliens crossing the border in Arizona. They're called the Minuteman Project, and they do not physically detain illegals. Rather, they track them down and alert U.S. Border Patrol agents of their whereabouts. That's it. And they're highly successful at it too.

For more information, check out their website at The Minuteman Project homepage. Now, if only they'd come here to California.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Junior Zombieslayer's a Hero

Ever heard of Joe Delaney? He was an up-and-coming running back for the Kansas City Chiefs. You probably never heard of him because he died before he could have been great.

He came across three kids drowning in a swim hole and jumped in to save their lives. Little did he know that it was deeper and faster moving then he thought so he managed to save one of them, then drowned himself. The second kid made it to the shore by himself and the third kid drowned as well.

I myself am an excellent swimmer. I'm not fast, but I could swim almost the width of an Olympic-sized pool underwater. I got sucked into an undertow once, and I panicked. I guess it wasn't my time to go because by panicking, I got out.

Well, California had been raining a lot more than usual. I'd strongly advise good folks not to swim alone in her rivers and creeks, for you can easily get killed. I told Junior not to swim alone in the creek by the house, which now resembles a swift river.

He and his new friend jumped in and his friend caught an underwater snag. His friend's face turned to terror but Junior kept his cool, and grabbed his friend. As luck would have it (the Zombieslayer family is not known for their luck), a branch popped out of nowhere and hit Junior in the eye. Still, Junior maintained his cool and pulled his exhausted friend to the shore.

I've always been proud of Junior, but this was hands down the greatest thing he's ever done. I really like this new kid too. He's the most polite kid I've ever known. I thought he was British the first time I met him because of his mannerisms.

So, all that said, please folks, be careful. Junior and his new friend vowed that they won't go in that water hole until it dies down to a creek again. Don't swim alone, and never underestimate the strength of water.

Kids do stupid stuff

I'm well aware of my lack of zombie slaying tips recently. Truth is, I go through creative phases and right now, I'm not feeling like writing anything serious.

The whole incident at the creek with Zombieslayer Jr. had me thinking of childhood, and my childhood. I was thinking of the stupid things I did. The dumbest thing I ever did was when we went to Lake Tahoe, my parents went gambling for a few hours so I spun around in one of those swivel chairs until I threw up. I had no idea the consequences of spinning in a swivel chair. It was fun, so I did it over and over until I got sick. When you're a kid, you sometimes just don't think.

What was the dumbest thing you did as a child? If you're too afraid to admit it (or if it involves something very illegal), admit the second dumbest thing you did. Or the third if you were very bad.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

People who smile for no reason

You ever meet one of those people who smile for no reason? They'd just be chillin' at their desk, shuffling a bunch of paperwork, and they'd have this big ass smile on their face.

I don't hold it against them, don't get me wrong. It's just that I
actually have to work up to that level of happiness.

I wonder about those folk. What are they smiling about? Are they part
dog? Now, dogs will be happy for the stupidest of reasons. You can
say, "Hey, Spot. Look! Bone," and the dog will start barking with his
tail waving frantically back and forth.

Those people who smile for no reason are like that. I used to work
with an intern named Scott. He'd smile for no reason. I'd be walking
the hallway, pretending to be busy and see Scott at his desk in front
of the computer with a big smile on his face. Was he looking at porn?
Well, I'd walk right up to him to find out and he wouldn't make any
fast movements to close windows. That means, no porn. Nope, he'd be
happy for no reason. Amazing.

He had a girlfriend and she was hot. That's one of the perks of being
happy for no reason. Hot people like you. She smiled for no reason
too. I wonder if they were really aliens sent to observe Earthlings.
They weren't exactly rich either. I know I'd be smiling all the time
if I were rich. And they weren't on Prozac. I've known people on
Prozac and their smiles were different. It was kind of a smile that
as soon as the Prozac wore off, would turn upside down into a big ass
frown. You could always tell a Prozac smile is not really a genuine
smile. I'm talking about a smile for no reason smile.

Anyways, anyone know someone like that, whose default facial expression
is a smile? Ever wonder why?

Cristina Scabbia - Hot Italian singer

My friend Ryan and I saw Lacuna Coil open for Type O Negative a few years ago. We stood in the pit by some dumb guy who was with his ex-girlfriend who he called his sister, i.e., some loser who knows he'd never again get any action so he wants to keep other guys from having a good time with her. Did he ever take into account that maybe she wanted to meet other guys? Kind of hard to with lughead clinging to her like a child clings to his mother's leg. So Ryan intentionally tried to piss him off. Good for you, Ryan.

For most of the show, the straight guys in the audience stared at Cristina Scabbia, lead singer of the Italian Goth Metal band Lacuna Coil. Lacuna Coil's one of those bands that composes three or four good songs an album, but those good songs are really good. The rest are just filler. Live, they're awesome. They really get into the show and thrash hard.

She calls herself a plain Jane, but I find her soooo sexy that I spent the entire show staring at her with my jaw dropped. As I said before, sexiness is more than just looks. Yes, looks is important because it is the base. But it is only the base. An average looking woman can be a lot sexier than a perfect ten if she carries herself right and the perfect ten is a b**ch. Plus it helps if you have a sexy voice, wear the right clothing, and walk like a woman. Singing, not someone who makes monkey noises with their vocal chords like Britney Spears or J. Lo, but singers definitely earn additional points when it comes to sexiness. Ms. Scabbia, if you're reading this, you will always be welcome in my anti-zombie compound.

Friday, May 20, 2005

The Ghosts of the Santa Barbara Mission

I don't know how much you know about California history, but I'll make a long story short so it won't be too boring. The first European country to claim California was Spain. After claiming it, missionaries immediately headed out there to convert the California natives to Christianity. Well, many of them did have good intentions. Not all were good though, and some were very, very bad.

You have to wonder what group of people would risk their lives heading out on a ship to California in the 1700s, leaving behind everything for good, their families, their friends, and almost everything they owned. Yes, you either had the very pious, or sick and twisted criminals trying to get away from the law. There were often reports of severe sadism done to the Indians at some of these missions. And because of the evilness, some of the missions supposebly are haunted.

Hundreds of years later, after California passed to Mexico then to the United States, a family of Zombieslayers came to visit the Santa Barbara mission. We had no idea at the time that people have claimed to see ghosts there on many occasions, and strange things happened at night. Like a family of naive tourists, we came to visit a piece of American history.

The mission itself is up in the Santa Barbara hills. It's gorgeous country. Santa Barbara, for those who have never seen it, is one of the best looking cities in America. They coded the entire city to look Spanish - white buildings with clay tile roofs. If it weren't for the cars and brand name stores, you'd think you walked back in time.

So, Pappa Zombieslayer (my Dad) goes up to a monk and asks if he could take a picture of the family with mission in the background. Sure, no problem. The monk smiles, takes the picture, and hands it back to Pappa Zombieslayer. Then Pappa Zombieslayer takes the camera back from the monk and asks if he could get a picture of the monk with the Zombieslayer family. No problem. The monk was actually standing in back of me slightly to the side.

A few weeks later, back in the San Francisco Bay Area where we lived at the time, we get the pictures back. There's one of the Zombieslayer family with the mission in the background. Then the 2nd picture sans Pappa Zombieslayer.
"That's strange."
"The monk's not in the picture."

Sure enough, no monk in the second picture.

Now, I don't believe in ghosts. To this day, it baffles me. I try to come up with a logical explanation of why the monk didn't show up in the picture. We all remember the monk was there. There was space in the picture on both sides of the family so there's no way we squeezed him out of the picture. Besides, he was slightly behind me, so even if we did squeeze him out, me being a little kid at the time would not have blocked the entire body of an adult monk. So why did he not show up in the picture?

Any of you believe in ghosts?

The Bill of Rights

I love America and I love being an American. The biggest two reasons I love being an American are we live in a gorgeous country and we're pretty much free. I've been to twenty of her states so far. Well, parts are ugly, like Kansas, Highway 50 through Nevada, most of the desert in Southeast California, and Highway 10 through Texas. We're going to lose this beauty though if we let it be overrun by immigration. But that's another topic for later.

The second thing I love about being an American is the freedom. Sure, we have stupid laws that I have no idea why they haven't been thrown out as Unconstitutional, especially our gun laws and the War on Drugs, which is a gross violation of the 4th Amendment. But all and all, we still do have freedom. I really hope the tide turns, enough people get upset, and we start taking our Bill of Rights more seriously.

If you don't have them memorized yet,
click here.
They really need to drum these in to kids' heads when they're in high school.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

My first migrane

I like being in control at all times. I drink, but only excessively
with the right people. We have a bottle of champagne that was
supposed to be used on New Years that is still to this day in the
icebox. We even have a bottle of Captain Morgan rum collecting dust
in the cupboards, that has been there since my last job. That's how
much of a drinker I am. Since then though, Mrs. Zombieslayer and I
have consumed about two bottles of beer each a week, but we just
don't drink like we used to.

Mrs. Zombieslayer, Grandma Zombieslayer, and Dave all get migranes.
They'd tell me about them, how they'd feel incapacitated, with a
deep, throbbing pain in the back of the eyeballs. Doesn't sound fun.
Up until yesterday, I couldn't relate.

We had a meeting at work yesterday in one of the offices. The light
seemed to be flashing on and off continually. I got really thirsty
and between the thirst, having to go to the bathroom, and the
strobe lights, after two hours, I started developing an overwhelming
pain unlike anything I've ever felt before.

I tore both knees once in a sloppy football tackle. It was my fault.
I was the one doing the tackling. That hurt like a mofo, but as bad
as that was, the migrane was worse.

For the last hour of work, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I
don't even think I was able to see clearly. Luckily, I walked to
work and came close to throwing up in the park, but held it in so as
not to desecrate my town's primary historical landmark.

I got home and immediately went to sleep. An hour later, I woke up
for dinner and could barely eat, consuming a top ramen, some
broccoli, and lots of water. I brushed my teeth and went to sleep.
If this ever happens again, I'm doing what my friend K does,
popping as many Excederin as needed. As anti-drug as I am (I would
not let them put me out when they pulled out all of my wisdom teeth.
Instead, I took one Vicadin, then threw the rest out because I hated
the feeling of not feeling anything. I'd rather have the pain), I'm
not going through another migrane.

Bagels vs Doughnuts

I've worked as a software engineer for the past 7 years now. I don't
call myself a software engineer, because it's not what I want to be
doing. It pays the bills. It's just like when I waited tables, it
paid the bills. I didn't go up to a hot chick and say, "Hey baby.
I'm a waiter." (The Zombieslayer's pick up lines didn't get much
better than that).

Now every job gets its perks. Waiters get phone numbers, pizza drivers
get to exchange pizza for better food, masseuses who have been doing it
for awhile can barter just about everything. Software engineers
expect three things - free drinks, bagels once a week, and doughnuts
once a week.

A lot of my fellow employees get all excited when the bagels come. I
myself get excited when the doughnuts come. Bagels are like
unflavored doughnuts. They look similiar, but take a bite into a
bagel and you get a mouthful of dough. Yuck. Bagels are only good
with the right toppings. Doughnuts are always good.

Here in California, we have three types of doughnut stores. We have
Krispy Kreme, Winchell's, and everything else. Krispy Kreme are
wonderful if you eat them within 60 minutes. They're best hot, but
for some strange reason, they don't keep well. Winchell's are okay
even when stuck in the fridge, and everything else ranges from the
very bad to the very good. Those shops are usually indie doughnut
places. Still, I'd take even the bad indie doughnuts over a freshly
made bagel with the best of toppings.

So if we only had room for one more person in the anti-zombie
compound and a bagel cook and a doughnut cook banged on the door,
sorry bagel guy. Best of luck.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

My ideal politician

A lot of us rag on politicians a lot. I know I do at least. I've always voted third party because the whole concept of lesser of two evils doesn't sit well with me. Some famous guy once said "the lesser of two evils is still evil." I say, "yeah, what he said."

That said, here's my ideal politician. Feel free to agree, disagree, add, subtract, or whatever. I love comments and I love debates, as long as they're civil of course.

Just a warning, it's a long read. If you hate politics and you're just here for my movie reviews and tips on killing zombies, feel free to skip it. If you're a political junkie like me, enjoy...

This is my ideal politician. And don't worry, it really is a text document, not a nekkid pic of a hot Italian actress as a lot of you would have expected from me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Kate Winslet

I love sexy women. Now, the beauty of Kate Winslet is that she's beautifully plain. She's average, not striking, but average. I went to high school with Kate Winslet. So did you. So did most people reading this blog. She was that plain girl with talent and brains who knew deep down inside she would make it.

Sure she doesn't have the pretty face of Naomi Watts or Natalie Portman. Sure she doesn't have the curves of Angelina Jolie or Salma Hayek. But for some reason I can't put my finger on, I'd take her over any of them.

Ms. Winslet definitely can act. I loved her in Heavenly Creatures. I've never seen Titanic though and heard mixed reviews on it. Some of my friends said that movie made them cry. Others said it was the most overrated movie ever made. Regardless, Kate Winslet is hot. No nudies this time. Geez, they're all over the internet, so find them yourself.

Oh, by the way, I'm in the process of trying to get a good deal on
Finding Neverland
from eBay. I'll write a review on it when I'm
done watching it.

Celebrities you want to see devoured by zombies

All right. Let's be totally un-PC. No holding back. Let it all out. Since you're reading this site, you're obviously cool enough to be let into my anti-zombie compound when the big zombie plague comes. I've already had my list of the types of people I'd let in and the types of people I'd let the zombies feast on.

Now, your turn to be specific. Who would you enjoy seeing the zombies devour the most? High on my list - Paris Hilton, J. Lo, Rosie O'Donnell, former members of New Kids on the Block (now five old kids getting eaten by zombies). I'm sure there are others, but I'm about to go to sleep and my brain's done for the night. Come on, baby. Dish it.

One rule - no political figures. Just straight up celebs.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Just Say You're Canadian

I do spoken word every Monday night. Mostly I do comedy since my political views are too extreme for the average coffee shops. (Most coffee drinkers believe the gov't will protect them from the upcoming zombie plague. How naive is that?) Now, I love Canadians. I've been to Vancouver many times since I used to live in Seattle. The people are gorgeous, and they're genuinely kind. They also have a more liberated view of sexuality, which I wish Americans would share. That said, they're also good for being the butt of jokes. Sorry, Canadians. I love you all, but I have to do this. It's a joke, don't take it seriously.

Since doing spoken word, I've done pieces on what to do if you have undead in your basement, boycotting Star Wars III because Jar Jar Binks doesn't brutally die, and this is the 3rd week I've done it. You'll have to imagine it live. The words themselves are okay, but I'm kind of more a master of delivery than words when it comes to comedy.
This piece is called Just Say You're Canadian:

Just say you're Canadian

Any of you ever travel to a foreign country?
I love America, and I love being an American, but I'd be the first
to admit that when Americans leave the borders, we somehow
magically transform from homo sapiens sapiens into homo sapiens
jackass americanus. Now I have an idea how to rectify this. It
will involve a conspiracy of the highest magnitude. Just say
you're Canadian.

However, for the duty of your country, proudly boast you're
Canadian, then be the biggest, most abrasive jackass you can possibly be,
making the normal American tourist look like Miss Manners.

Being Canadian is easy. We already look like Canadians. Just make
sure you remember to tuck in your shirt, remember to wear socks,
then say "eh?" after every three sentences and you'll have being Canadian

So you're in a friendly little coffee shop in France, yeah I know
friendly and France together would be an oxymoron, but hear me out.
Grab the nearest waiter. "Excuse me Garcon, Boy! O est le bain? I
said O est le bain! Geez, don't you speak French? You know how many
good red-blooded Canadians died in World War II bailing your sorry asses
out? And do I hear a thanks? Ungrateful bastards. No Canadian dollar tip
for you!" Of course the Canadian dollar isn't worth anything, but
they don't know that. They'd be lucky if they'd ever seen a Canadian
dollar before.

So you're in a margarita bar in Cancun. "I said no salt! Did you hear
me say no salt? Yeah, they heard. They're just Canadianophobes.
Bring me another margarita right now and don't expect me to pay for it
either! You come to Canada and we don't treat you like this."

Ten years later, after the damage is done, and the smoke has cleared,
you walk into a foreign restaurant. "Excuse me, are you an American?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Thank God!"

Musician jokes

It's funny how the brain works. It loves to romanticize the past, so you remember the good and conveniently forget the struggles. It's like an ex, sometimes I get the urge to find out how one of them are doing, until my conscience interjects and says "don't be stupid, Zombieslayer. All you did was fight." "Oh yeah," I answer back. "I forgot that."

The same with being a musician. As a musician, I was skin and bones, scraping by and living in crummy areas. Every year, I seemed to barely make it, usually having $400 to my name at any given time. But I look back at those days fondly. I loved performing on stage, acting like an imbicile and playing fast and loud. It was all worth it and looking back, I should have bought Cisco stock. Oh well.

A few jobs ago, I remember having a long conversation with a homeless guy in Santa Barbara. Turns out, he was a musician. So, of course, we swapped horror stories and musician jokes. You may have heard some of these before. If so, too bad. If not, enjoy. You may not get them unless you either are/were a musician or you dated one.

How many lead guitarrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change the lightbulb and five to say "I could have done it better."

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

What do you call a guy who hangs around with a bunch of musicians?
A drummer.

A guy walks into the doctor's office. The doctor asks him what's wrong and he says "Doctor, I can't sh*t."
"All right," the doctor replies. "Here, take two of these a day for a week," the doctor says as he hands the guy a bottle of pills.
A week passes and the same guy walks back into the doctor's office. "Doctor, I still can't sh*t."
"All right," the doctor replies. "Take some of these. They're a little bit stronger and they should work better."
Another week passes. The same guy walks back in. "Doctor, I still can't sh*t."
The doctor shakes his head. "Hmm...Those were pretty strong drugs. Okay, I'm going to have to ask you some personal questions."
So the doctor asks all kinds of questions about everything. Finally, he asks the guy's occupation.
"I'm a musician."
"Ah," the doctor exclaims. He reaches into his wallet and hands the guy a $20 bill. "Here, so you can eat."

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Vampire Hunter D

I'm no fan of anime, simply because I can't stand their eyes, their noses, and their movements. However, the Zombieslayer family last weekend was in the San Francisco Bay Area chilling at our real estate agent's house as he showed houses to some of his other clients.

He's in his early 30s and single, and rents out one of the rooms in his main house to a huge anime fiend. The Mrs. and Jr. Zombieslayer love anime. We looked through both his and his roommie's collections and outvoted, they selected Vampire Hunter D.

The plusses - the story wasn't that bad. The backgrounds however were the bomb. Instead of popping a book open, they looked so good that I gave the movie a chance and actually enjoyed it. They didn't have those anime eyes and noses (or lack thereof), and they moved half-way realistically. Pretty cool, especially coming from someone who can't stand anime.

Minuses - Okay, I'm tired of the reluctant hero. It's been overdone so many times that I'm tired of it. The reluctant hero is not cool. It hasn't been cool in over a decade now, so screenwriters out there, knock it off already. If you want to write a story with a reluctant hero, at least make it funny/cheesy like Army of Darkness. And crossbow bolts that curve to hit their target, no. You're starting to get into the unbelievably bad like a Stallone or Swartzwasher movie.

Overall - Worth a rental, but unless you're a big fan of anime, not worth a purchase. 5 dead zombies out of 10.

Japanese girls

Japanese Girls

I've always liked Japanese girls. They are so gorgeous and so animated.
Yet, they seem to have an overall sadness to them (which for some strange reason only adds to my attraction for them).

When I was in high school, one of the hottest girls was a girl of Japanese decent. She got good grades, she excelled in tennis, and she smiled all the time. She was also genuinely nice. And she was about as attracted to me as I'm currently attracted to Bette Milder. Why?

Japanese fathers instill in their daughters from an early age to find a guy who's going somewhere, which I think is a good thing. It wouldn't be in her best interest to end up with some guy whose sole purpose in life is to entertain us on the Jerry Springer Show.

In high school, I resembled that more than a guy who was going somewhere. I had long hair, wore heavy metal t-shirts and ripped jeans, and hung around the stoners, not because I was a stoner, but because they weren't boring. She and I were in all the same classes, and she knew full well I also had the brains. It's just, I was close to failing everything because I simply didn't care. She even straight out asked me once why I was such a slacker. I think I told her something along the lines that I wanted to be a musician, not a suit.

School never interested me until college, where I did start making the Dean's list every other semester because it was interesting, something grade school wasn't. High school plays towards the lowest common denominator, and one with a working brain often gets bored out of his or her mind. I learned quickly that in creative writing, my writing was too offensive. In college, they loved my writing because it was gutsy and original. I love reading, writing, and music, and high school seemed to discourage all those things, unless you read books that were outdated and safe, you wrote things that were safe, and your music was boring and safe. That was over a decade ago. I imagine after Columbine it's ten times worse. I feel so badly for young people nowadays.

So that said, I never had a Japanese girlfriend. As you guessed, Mrs.
Zombieslayer's a white American, as were all my past girlfriends. But seeing these pictures of Chaiki Kuriyama had me thinking of that girl in high school, who I bet is still pretty, making six figures right now at a job she hates, with a husband who's married to his work, and she's wondering what it would have been like if she ended up with that heavy metal Zombieslayer dude.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Alessia Merz - #1 on The Zombieslayer hot babe list

Well, it was hard to find the right pictures of my favorite hot famous chick, #1 on The Zombieslayer hot babe list. All the pictures I have of her, she's nekkid except for this one. Trust me, she is much cuter than this. Look at those legs. Yummy.

And no, I don't prefer brunettes. It's a weird twist of fate that the three top chicks on the Zombieslayer hot babe list are all brunettes. I actually prefer red-heads and blondes over brunettes. It's a strange world we live in though. These are strange days. Make sure you have a large supply of fresh water, lots of canned food, and plenty of ammo. Make sure your home base can be defended against zombies. Keep...wait a second, I'm going off on a tangent again. I'm supposed to be talking about hot babes.

This is Alessia Merz, hot Italian actress. Never seen a single film she's done, but wow, she's a cutie. Enjoy, friends.

And of course, do you think I wouldn't post pics of my fav hot chick nude? These links are all rated NWS (not work safe). So don't open them at work, for we need you, my friends, to stay employed so you can pay your bills and buy more guns.



I love Alessia Merz. Baby, you're welcome at my anti-zombie compound any time. (Hope Mrs. Zombieslayer isn't reading this).

Random Blogs

In my free time, I enjoy going to random blogs and posting.
Unfortunately, the majority of random blogs seem to be either
in foreign languages (I only speak English and Restaurant
Spanish), ads for stupid crap, or pet sites. Now, nothing
against people's pets, but I could care less about your pets.
I like my pets, but your pets are cute to you and they mean
nothing to me. Just like your baby. If I don't know you, I
don't want to see your baby. If you're a friend or a relative
then that's different, but I could care less about your pets
or your babies if I don't know who you are.

The thing I don't understand is that I'll come across a
wonderful site with someone's amazing prose or poetry, and
they'll be one or zero comments on each entry. Then I'll
come across a site with some guy's stupid cat or ugly baby
and they'll be a dozen comments. What gives? Or someone
will have something seriously deep to say about the state of
the economy, or a political insight and he'll have no comments.
Why is it that people are more interested in a stupid cat then
what's going on in the world? Are people just shallow? Or are
they afraid of rocking the boat/confrontation?

I'll find interesting sites where folks post some beautiful prose or
poetry, or make some witty remark about the state of current
affairs, and nobody comments. So they end up feeling like it's
all a waste of time and give up on their blog. Maybe the ones
with a blog about their stupid cat or ugly baby once had clever
blogs, took them down for lack of readership, and replaced them
with their stupid cat or ugly baby.

We live in a strange world my friends. Sometimes, I look
forward to the plague so we could actually have some excitement.
Here's to all those people who crave ideas rather than pictures
of someone's stupid cat.

Which Operating System should a zombieslayer use?

I had people ask me the other day which OS a zombieslayer should use.
I simply reply, anything not made by Microsoft. Why?

Well, let's just say you're in a situation where your best friend is
online chatting, and suddenly she spots a zombie outside of her window.
No problem. She types "brb" in her instant messenger client, goes and
locks the doors, and grabs her shotgun. She's just about to alert you
when you get the Blue Screen of Death. Or worse, you get a virus.

Well, so much for being alerted through your instant messenger client.
Now she has to call you on the phone. You see how dangerous it is to
use Windoze?

Every other company has already switched to some form of Unix. Apple
has with their OS X. Novell is using Linux. Everyone but Microsoft.
Why? Because Bill Gates hates to admit he's wrong. He's one of those
stupid people like Columbus who despite everyone telling him he's wrong
will swear up and down he's right. Columbus went to his grave thinking
he found a new route to Asia. That's why we call North and South
America North and South America instead of North and South Columbia.
Yes, we named the continents after Amerigo Vespucci.

See, Bill Gates has that attitude. And that is the attitude you don't
want when dispatching zombies. Instead of closing the gate, he'd argue
left and right that it wasn't him who left the gate open. And he'd
argue left and right that Unix isn't superior to his stupid operating
system, instead of just abandoning it in favor of Unix like Steve Jobs
of Apple has with the Mac OS.

Oh, by the way, if you're still using Internet Exploder,
try this instead.
Firefox is not only cool, it has tab browsing, and popup blocking built in. It's also more secure.

When someone finds a security hole in Firefox, it gets fixed right away and
a patch gets released ASAP. When someone finds a security hole in IE,
good luck getting a patch within the next month. I like that attitude.
Firefox people, you're welcome in my anti-zombie compound anytime. As
I've said in a previous post, Microsoft employees and former employees
aren't. And don't try to sneak in either, because I could tell. They
all have that look.

My country has problem

The sky is falling. Yeah, you've heard it before but this time
it's for real. Don't believe me? Fine. Don't. See if I care.

Americans go on, pretending nothing's wrong, when everything is
wrong. Whom to blame? Blame our leaders. Blame ourselves.

We have many huge problems that need to be addressed. One is
allowing the entire Third World to come here, legally or
illegally. Bad idea. Trust me. Third World people will make
America look like the Third World. You want decay? Well, I
don't. I happen to like a clean country. I happen to like
roads, parks, and streams free of litter. They don't. They're
used to it, so it doesn't bother them.

They breed like rabbits too. While Americans for the most part
stop at a small number of children, they keep going, and going
and going. Do you want the United States to look like India or
Bangladesh? I don't.

Major problem two - North Korea/China. Why does China have most
favored nation status? They currently have nuclear weapons
pointed at us. And thanks to Clinton, their nukes can now hit
us. Bush will talk tough, but do nothing, as he has done
nothing about the illegal immigration problem. What about North
Korea? Can we expect China to give ICBM technology to them? Yes.
We can. China's not stupid. North Korea is. They're paranoid
as well, so don't be surprised if when China gives North Korea
the technology to do it, we get hit.

I have a simple solution. Huge tariffs on Chinese goods. Make
them huge, so huge that Americans can't afford to trade with them.
Screw China. Hello Mexico. All the goods we used to buy from
China, we now buy from Mexico. Create a strong Mexican middle
class. That way Mexicans will want to stay in Mexico.

I love Mexico. It's a gorgeous country. It really is. Once
you build a Mexican middle class, they won't take crap any more
from their corrupt leaders. You will see real democracy there.
They'll start fixing their roads and cleaning up their country
more. You will see real civic pride, and a huge influx in
tourism. I would love to see Mexico become a First World
country. They deserve it. They don't have nukes pointed as
us, and they helped bail out California when we had that energy
crisis. Plus they make good beer.

Major problem three - everyone else with nukes. Do you trust
India and Pakistan with nukes? I don't. Those two ass clowns
can't even take care of their own people. Why do we trust them
with nukes?

Major problem four - outsourcing the American middle class. For
the last time, outsourcing helps everyone else, hurts us. And
don't give me any crap that in the long run, it will help us.
I've been underemployed for years now, when am I going to see
the benefits? When? Answer my fucking question?

And finally, our debt. Bush seems to think that a huge national
debt is not a problem. It is a problem. Expect a huge tax raise
when we finally decide to pay it off. The bigger the debt, the
less anyone in the right mind will trust lending to us.

On the plus side, I'm prepared for most scenarios, including the
upcoming zombie plague, which will come from the Third World.
Are you?

Friday, May 13, 2005

Angel of Retribution

Rob Halford is back with Priest

Why this wasn't on the front page of every paper, I don't know.
This is almost as important as a zombie sighting, yet it got
very little press coverage. I think the press is more
concerned with bands and entertainers who suck.

So they have a new album out. It's really cool, having a DVD
on one side and a CD on the other. The DVD contains all the
songs plus live footage of the band in Spain and Italy.
Unfortunately, there are no hot Italian actresses in the video.
Maybe the band is unaware that Italy has hot actresses. I'll
have to let them know.

The music - the best album since Painkiller. That's not saying
much considering their two studio albums without Rob were
mediocre at best. It's nothing against Tim Owens, he's a fine
singer, it's just the compositions sucked without Rob. As you
already know, Glenn Tipton, Rob Halford, and KK Downings wrote
all the music, so without Rob, they lost 1/3 of their creative

Guitarwork - Excellent. They finally brought back the dueling
guitars and guitar harmonies, something the 90s didn't have.

Drumming - Fantastic. Scott Travis was sorely needed to keep
Judas Priest up to date. Geez, the band's like Spinal Tap.
Travis is their 6th, and best, drummer. He's also one of the
few straight up drummers that I'd let in the zombie compound
because he's upstanding and responsible, qualities that you
just don't find in drummers nowadays.

The voice - Well, I heard Rob, like Geoff Tate, goes easy on
his voice live. On the record however, he's still Rob. There's
a reason Luciano Pavaratti said he "has one of the ten best
voices in the world." The only singer I've ever seen who
pushes their voice in as many directions as Rob Halford is that
singer from Faith No More. Rob does some amazing things with
his voice.

Songs - Ten songs, all ten good. My favorite songs were Worth
Fighting For
, which should be a top-twenty single if it weren't
for the fact that nowadays, record companies only push bands
who deserve to be zombie food, and Loch Ness. The latter uses
some serious dissonance in their opening riff, which both
Zombieslayer Jr and Mrs. Zombieslayer didn't like too much.
They also used a very Sabbath sounding riff, which is okay with
me since Sabbath and Priest are the two bands who gave us modern
heavy metal. Sabbath however to this day call themselves heavy
jazz and it was Priest who were the first ones to fly the heavy
metal flag. It was Priest who flew the heavy metal flag when it
went out of style, and it will hopefully be Priest who will
bring it back in style. The album also has a ballad, Angel,
which was Mrs. Zombieslayer's fav song on the album. Of course,
a true zombieslayer never admits in public he likes ballads,
since the zombieslayer has no time to be soft and cuddly while
preparing for the upcoming zombie plague.

Overall, excellent album. 9 dead zombies out of 10.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Shaun of the Dead

The Brits did finally did it. They made their first good movie since the
old Monty Python days. Hurray. Now if only they would do something
about their eroding freedom...

Shaun of the Dead, simply put, was awesome. It was a comedy though,
and it would be a mistake for a training zombieslayer to watch it as an
educational film. For instance, you cannot pretend to be a zombie and
walk amongst them. Zombies know who's a zombie and who's not a zombie.
They can smell you. Yet another reason not to be best friends with a
hippie. You don't want your best friend's stench giving away your

Another mistake in the film is zombies can't play videogames. Yes, you
cannot train zombies to do anything. All they want to do is eat human
flesh. But of course, mistake is the wrong word. This film once again
is a comedy, and it's supposed to make you laugh. Just don't try to teach a zombie to play videogames because you saw it in Shaun of the Dead.

Shaun of the Dead is a romantic comedy that just happens to happen
during a zombie plague. It does have some social commentary, like banning guns will during a zombie plague make the average citizen helpless to a zombie onslaught. With over thirty rounds of ammo, Shaun should have been able to dispatch at least twenty-five zombies. Instead, he slays one. That's because of his lack of training. So, buy the DVD and send it to your Congressman. Tell him (or her) to watch the movie, which clearly shows that citizens without firearm training (and of course firearms) will be helpless during a zombie plague. Yet another reason firearms should be readily available. We need less gun laws, not more.

The movie also tried to make the point about dead-end jobs and friends
that were slackers. I can't help you with the dead-end job problem,
but you don't want a best friend who is too much of a slacker. Note that
he only became useful after a zombie bit him. Before that, I don't recall if he even dispatched a single zombie.

Excellent social commentary, writers of Shaun of the Dead. I highly
recommend this movie to fellow zombieslayers.

Manuela Arcuri

Here's #2 on my list of famous hot chicks. She's the hot Italian actress Manuela Arcuri. Never seen a single movie she's done, but if you do a google search for her images on the internet, you will find that she has the world's best body and a pretty face on top of that. Turn off the filters and you will hundreds of her pictures sans clothing.

Yummy. The Zombieslayer definitely approves of Italian women. Unfortunately, the Zombieslayer speaks less than five Italian words. Oh well. Just a note, hot Italian actresses are welcome at the anti-zombie compound at any time.

Don't open this one up at work.
It's not nude, but one of her in leather pants and nothing else, covering her hoo hoos with her hands. Do you know how hard it is to find pictures of her on the internet with clothing? It's like she hates wearing it. Which of course, I have no problem with it. But I'm trying to keep the site rated WS (work safe). As I've said before, I need all my friends working, because you have bills to pay and guns to buy before the great zombie plague hits.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Whom to accept and whom to let die

For the most part, I like people and genuinely want to help them. However, for the sake of survival, some people will be turned away from my anti-zombie compound and left to die. I won't feel the slightest tinge of remorse either.

I don't like punks. No, I'm not referring to punk rock music. I mean the traditional definition of punk - someone who causes trouble for no reason. I don't like trouble, especially trouble for no reason. I hate the ghetto attitude too. They're all a bunch of cowards. Put them one on one with some of the boys I grew up with and they won't last a minute. Ghetto folk are always tough when they're with their posse, but unarmed and alone, for some strange reason, they're humble and well-behaved.

You start flashing gang signs and that's it. You're out. I hate gang bangers. They have no use other than entertainment value and even that wears thin fast.

Drug addicts too. You're out. I see you as a liability, not an asset.

If you have a good skillset, you're well-mannered, and a good person, you're in. I could use a handyman (or woman). I myself know basic plumbing and basic carpentry but if I had to design something from scratch, forget it. Expect it to fall down after a few years. I can fix engines. No transmissions though. I'd love to have a mechanic. The thing is, mechanics are a dime a dozen. Someone who can fix anything with an engine, from cars to helicopters, like B.A. Baracus in the A-Team, they're definitely in.

I love people who could make me laugh. Morale's very important, especially if we won't receive reinforcements for months. There's nothing like someone who could make a crowd laugh. They're in.

Musicians. I like someone who could pick up any instrument. You can't be too picky too when it comes to music. I expect you to play everything from blues, jazz, country, Irish folk music, rock, and of course, heavy metal. If you can't, no problem. But you must be willing to try to wing it. I love musicians who can improvise.

I don't want a straight drummer. A keyboardist or bassist who also happens to play drums, awesome, you're in. A straight drummer, forget it. You can't depend on drummers. They're the most unreliable people you'll ever meet. They're the types who would forget to close the gates and you'd wake up to find hundreds of zombies swarming inside the compound. Or they'd do something stupid like throw a cigarette butt right by your gas supply. That's a drummer for you.

Hot Italian actresses, like Manuela Arcuri or Alessia Merz, you're in. The thing is, your boyfriends can't come in. As Yoda would put it, zombie food they will be.

Lawyers and politicians, nope. Zombie food. Especially the kind who tried to ban heavy metal music, guns, raise taxes, outsource jobs, or forgive illegal aliens.

Bad smelling hippies. Nope. Your stink attracts zombies and we all know you with a gun would not be a good thing. It would be like Shaun of the Dead. You'd be just as much a danger to us as you would be to zombies.

Feminazis, nope. With you, you spent your life bashing men and suddenly when the you know what hits the fan, you'd come running to my anti-zombie compound expecting me to let you in. No way. You burned that bridge.

Bad foreigners (read my article on Good Foreigners vs Bad Foreigners), nope. In fact, it will be stinky overpopulated foreigers who would spread the zombie plague in the first place. If you weren't so overpopulated, the plague could have been contained. But you bred like rabbits and you live elbow to elbow with your stinky neighbors and that's how the plague will end up spreading so fast in the first place. So the gates stay shut for you. Try to climb them and I'll pick you off.

Microsoft employees and former employees. Nope. You're like a bizarre cult. If you've never lived in Seattle, you'd have no idea what I mean. I'll make it short, think of Jim Jones without the cool-aid and you have Microsoft employees. They're weird and I'm convinced Bill Gates puts some kind of implants in them so if they say anything bad about Microsoft, they get electric shocked. Former employees are the same way. And believe me, I could tell when someone worked at Microsoft. They have that look.

So there you have it. A short checklist of who's in and who's out. Basically, if you're cool, have some good use, and treat others with decency, you're in. It's not too hard. If you're either a trouble-maker or hazardess to the community, you're out.

Anti-hunters who eat meat

I can't stand people who preach not to do one thing, then do it
themselves. I'm starting to see it all the time now, and one group
of people who need to be publically ridiculed (and possibly tarred
and feathered as well) are people who are anti-hunting, yet eat meat

I hate those people. If you are a vegetarian animal-lover, I
have no problem with you not liking hunting. I'd bet you'd be
a little on the nutty side, but that's another issue entirely.
At least your beliefs on that issue would be consistent.

When you buy meat in a store, someone had to kill it. These morons
don't understand that meat doesn't magically come packaged in
those pretty little shrink-wrapped containers.
It's like you're outsourcing the dirty work to someone else.
Those people had to kill it, skin it, gut it, hack it up, and put
slabs of meat into presentable little displays for you.

There are idiots in every group and I'll be the first person to
admit that there are hunters that suck. Yet, most hunters are
genuinely good people. I've known a heck of a lot of people
who get behind the wheel of an automobile, especially an SUV or a
truck, who suddenly get delusions of grandeur and are dangerous
than I've met irresponsible hunters. Most hunters not only eat
the meat, they use the fur and everything else they can salvage
from the carcass. I've known Native Americans that leave practically
nothing as waste and I've known white hunters to emulate them.

So if you're anti-hunting, yet you eat meat or wear leather or any
other type of animal skin/fur, you suck. You're a hypocrit, and
you will not be allowed in my anti-zombie compound. I don't like
people like you. Your type shouldn't breed either. $10 says you
live a totally sheltered life with no idea how the natural world
works. One must eat the other. Those are nature's laws, not mine.
I'd rather be on the top of the food chain than the bottom.

For the record, I am an animal lover myself (except for cats). I've
had dogs, birds, fish, frogs, lizards, and bugs as pets and the anti-
zombie compound when complete will have fish, ducks, and chickens,
and maybe a goat or two as well.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Fun with fruit

Get your mind out of the gutter. I know what you were thinking. Here I am trying to help you be healthy and you're being a pervert.

All right. This is the deal. You're going to need cardiovascular exercise. When the zombies come, you might be in a situation where you have to carry your wounded best friend several hundred yards. Or you might be a situation that requires you to do a heavy jog with a 50 pound pack for several miles. Can you do that?

If the answer is no, you're going to have to get back in shape. I'm not talking about looking good for the opposite sex. I'm talking about being in shape to outrun zombies.

Also, you're going to need to eat lots of fruit if you don't already. You're going to need fruit both for its antioxidants and Vitamin C. You don't want to get scurvy when you're being seiged by zombies.

So plant more fruit trees. You might have to temporarily abandon your safe zone and hopefully if enough of us plant fruit trees, we could eat and run without worrying about developing scurvy.

Here's my simple topping for a delicious fruit salad (to enjoy before the zombie plague).

1 pint whipping cream
1 t real vanilla
1/2 t ground cinammon
nuts topping (your choice)

Throw your whipping cream and vanilla in a blender and set it on whip until it's nice and thick. Then pour it out into a fancy bowl, sprinkle the cinammon on top, then sprinkle the nuts. Makes a delicious addition to any fruit salad, and it's especially wonderful because it's so simple to make.

Monica Bellucci

Not sure if she's French or Italian, but I know she's a popular
actress in France. Americans have seen her in Last Temptation
of Christ

Anyways, I'll be posting hot babes on my site about once a week
or so. No, there will be no nudity. It's not because I have
anything against nudity for those who know me know I have plenty
of porn, but it's because I do not own this domain. If I were to
move my site to my own server, I'd post my hot babes nekkid for
all to enjoy. But until then, you'll have to deal with teasers.

That said, let the Zombieslayer present the #3 hottest famous chick in
the world.

UPDATE 5/9/05: Trying to keep the site work safe, so anything that is even questionably work safe I will have a link to it instead of posting it outright. If it's work safe, I'll go ahead and post it.
Click here to view (not exactly worksafe)

Pretty hot, huh?

Best album of 2004

As some of you may know, the Zombieslayer has determined
that Metal is by far the best genre of music for slaying
(practicing, since of course the plague hasn't happened
yet) zombies. As much as I like Pink Floyd, you just
can't practice killing zombies with Pink Floyd blasting
in the background.

That said, the Zombieslayer advises that you add Metal
music to your collection. Yes, I have a fine collection
of symphony and piano and violin concerto, but Metal must
be the core of any Zombieslaying collection.

So, what was the best Metal album of 2004?
Quite simply, Nightwish's Once. Yeah, you're thinking
"who the **** is Nightwish?" First off, no profanity on
my site (unless uttered by me). For the love of God,
there are children on this site. So watch your mouths.
Nightwish is one of those Scandanavian heavy metal bands
with a hot chick singer. The thing is, they actually
have a hot chick who actually could sing. Yes, she is
trained in opera and has a slick voice.

I have never bought an album by Nightwish before this one,
but Ryan kept insisting I buy this one. No regrets.
Ryan, you are welcome in the anti-zombie compound any time.

Think of it this way. Think of a heavy metal album with a
female opera singer and an entire orchestra and chorus
backing it up. It's just awesome. That Tuomas guy, the
keyboardist who writes 90% of their music, has written his
masterpiece and for musical quality alone, I'd take it over
any album of 2004. It's both mature and melodic with
intelligent lyrics and heavy enough to practice your zombie
slaying skills to. What can be better than that?

My only criticism of the album is it does not have guitar
solos on every song. That needs to be a requirement
somewhere. Songs over three minutes long must contain
guitar solos. After the zombie plague ends and I become
dictator, I will have to enforce that law.

So...the Zombieslayer advises you to run, don't walk, to
your nearest record store and buy it.

Crosses vs zombies

Folks, for the last time, crosses don't work on zombies. It doesn't matter if you're the Pope. Crosses are for vampires, which aren't real. Vampires are a work of fiction. They were most likely made up during the plague, to explain why people were making frantic noises from their graves. It was because during the plague, a lot of infected folks were presumed dead but weren't and were prematurely buried. Thus came the myth of the vampire.

And no, it wasn't because of the vampire bat. Vampire bats weren't encountered by folks of European decent until the 1700s. By then, vampires were already dug heavily into the European psyche.

But enough about myths. Crosses do not work on zombies. It's simply because zombies have a viral infection. You can be a sinner or a saint. Either way, if you get bitten by a zombie, you will die and come back as a zombie. If you have a cross to assist your praying, fine. Just do not rely on it when the zombies come. Rely on your wits, your training, and your weapons. Good luck, my friends.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Google vs Goliath?

What if?

You probably know by now that Microsoft has a long-term strategy to kill Google. Google is cool, Microsoft has never invented ANYTHING, so is Microsoft jealous? The answer is no. Rather, Microsoft is scared. Imagine that.

But scared of what?

I'll tell you what. Google is powered by linux/bsd. Their search is unarguably better than MSN. Their gmail is unarguably better than hotmail. They are starting to invest in OpenOffice, which has less features, but less bloat and less security holes than Microsoft Office. And people actually like Google. Nobody likes Microsoft besides Microsoft's employees and former employees.

What if suddenly, Google decides to release GLinux, its very own version of linux with everything a user needs? Imagine, GLinux pre-installed on a machine you buy. Comes with OpenOffice, a better-looking version of KDE (Linux's most popular desktop), and a nifty game or two. With Google's 60-something billion dollar market cap, let them either buy out a few good gaming companies or make their own games, and make a partnership with Sony for some games as well. As is, Microsoft has managed to piss off Sony and Nintendo and within a few years, we might see Nintendo as irrelevant as Sega with Sony sweating bullets.

If I were running Google, I'd be thinking of a long-term gameplan to destroy Microsoft and that would be it. I'd think that way because it's already known Microsoft has a long-term plan to destroy Google, as it has destroyed Netscape and just about everyone else it stole ideas from (except Apple, but Microsoft has come very close to making Apple irrelevant. Jobs is amazing to bring Apple back from the dead, but that's another story).

From a personal standpoint, I hope Google does it. I'd much rather see Google as the giant than Microsoft. If anyone high up in Google sees this, give me a buzz and I'll be more than happy to talk strategies. I do want to be compensated in stock though, which I'm sure shouldn't be a problem for you.

I like JFK

I liked JFK.  He planned to get America a man on the moon and if only he
lived to see it. Also, he believed in freedom. He's what I wish the
Democratic Party of today was, someone cool, not the whiny losers like
they've become. I have dropped my allegiance to the Democratic party
because they now have nothing in common with Kennedy. Kennedy was a
patriot, modern Dems seem to be indifferent towards America. Kennedy
liked freedom and guns, modern Dems hate them both. Kennedy believed in
being strong, modern Dems would rather just bitch and whine until they get
their way. Kennedy was a lady's man. Modern Dems are too politically
correct to enjoy the fairer sex. Now don't think I've become Republican
either. That's another can of worms that I'll save for later.
I have no allegiance to any political party. I have only allegiance to
America's ideals of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, to people
I care about, to moving mankind forward, to the environment, and of
course, to slaying zombies.
Imagine today's Democrats saying something like this:

"Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared
to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the
basic purpose of their daily life and who are willing to consciously work
and sacrifice for that freedom." --John F. Kennedy

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Return of the Living Dead

Some of you rented the 80s movie Return of the Living Dead and went into a panic. You noted that these zombies won't die by destroying the brain. The entire body had to be destroyed. Then you sent me frantic emails and almost lost your jobs because you wouldn't leave the house.

Well, my friends. Rest assured, this movie is a comedy. Zombies really do die by a good blow to the head or a bullet to the brain. Just remember if you decapitate them, they can still bite you. Still, the movie is worth watching. It's funny. Ha ha. Also, Linnea Quigly has some nice nudie scenes, and at the time she was something to look at. Actually, she's at least a decade older than I am and she's still to this day nice to look at. Just don't expect to get an anti-zombie education out of it. And go back to work. You have bills to pay and guns to buy.

Good foreigners vs Bad foreigners

Welcome to America. Feel free to drive around and explore the most beautiful nation on Earth. True, I haven't been to every country yet, but I know enough to know that America has so much land diversity that we blow away everywhere else. We still have open space, and our climate is not too extreme. Sure Siberia (in Russia) has lots more open space, just don't get stuck there during winter time. Just as important, we have more freedom than just about anywhere else. Did you know in Britain, remaining silent is an admission of guilt? Pretty scary, huh? Also, you can't own guns. How do they expect you to defend yourself against zombies? I'd never rely on the government to do anything, except deliver mail. They're pretty good at that. But to defend you against zombies, dream on.

I generally like foreigners. Most are kind, decent folks who just want to know what the talk is all about. Everyone wants to come to America, the land of opportunity. Here it's still possible to go from rags to riches. I personally have gone from the middle to rags (bad economic decisions, happens to the best of us) to on my way to being rich, so I know that if you have the brains, the determination, and a little bit of luck, you can be successful here.

Now, there are people here I don't like. They're what I'll call the bad foreigners. I'm sure you know the type. They're the ones who are here in America working an American job and flying their own flag, which is fine, but instead of being grateful, they bash America. They bash Americans, and they keep bragging about their own stupid country. If your country is so great, why are you here? I'll tell you why you're here. You're here because your country sucks, the people smell bad, and they're ugly. Your government is corrupt, and you couldn't find a decent job there. Your people are not only ugly, but they breed like rabbits. Your environment is all screwed up. You can't swim in your rivers without getting parasites or hepatitis, and you're so over-crowded that when the zombies come, we won't have enough bullets to kill all of them.

So, good foreigners, you know who you are. I invited you over for dinner. We've gone out drinking beers and shared strippers together. I like you.

As for the bad foreigners, when the zombies come, don't expect me to let you in to my anti-zombie compound. Instead, I'll lock up and laugh as they maul you and take you away. I'll probably even videotape it.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

French Film

The French like to believe they make better films than Hollywood.  They don't.
Don't feel bad though, French people. You do make better films than the
Brits. "28 Days Later" was the worst horror movie I've ever seen. Ever. It
was so bad that some heckler in the theatre screamed "this movie sucks!" and
everyone laughed. We almost walked out. We should have. And "Lock, Stock,
and Two Smoking Barrels" was a mediocre Tarantino rip-off. That stupid
movie that glorified heroin wasn't that good either. I don't even remember
the title, it was that bad.

The French also make better movies than the Indians. Despite the Indians
making probably more than 10 times more movies a year than the French,
possibly their best film ever, "Monsoon Wedding" was alright. So don't
feel bad, French people, you are #2. We are #1. Sure, 99% of the stuff we
produce is utter crap, but we still put out 3-4 good films a year. You put
out maybe 1.

Here's a rundown of good French film to see. Check out Caro's and Jeunet's
"The City of Lost Children" and "Delicatessen," both brilliant films. The
former is a wonderful dark fantasy and the latter is a wonderful post-
apocalyptic black comedy. Check out "Red." "White" and "Blue" sucked,
despite the hype. "The Year of the Medusa" wasn't too bad. "La Femme
Nikita" was overrated. Feel free to miss it, unless someone else is renting
it with their money and they're supplying the beer and popcorn. "My Wife
is an Actress" is on my top 10 list for worst movies ever. Please, don't see
it. It's so bad it's on par with Highlander 2, as one of the movies I'm trying
to block out of my head. "Manon of the Spring" was alright. The chick in
there was gorgeous. Okay, I'd readily admit, French women are hot. But
their movies just aren't on par with American movies. Sorry French people.

UPDATE: The Brits finally put out a decent film - Shawn of the Dead. I worked
with some liberal ass wipe who was just like that David character. We cheered
when he got hacked to pieces by zombies. See, that's what happens when you
ban guns - you have no way to fight zombies. Losers.

Poo Poo Muffins

A friend of mine needs to clean his colon. Yeah, I know, you're thinking "groooss," but when you reach into your 30s, you realize that all that beef you've eaten over your lifetime is catching up to you. So he's been trying one of those colon flushing systems and seems to feel it's all for naught. Well, can't help you there. What I can do is tell you about my world famous "poo poo muffins."

No, they do not taste like poo poo, that's the beauty of them. I found the way to make muffins with the maximum amount of fiber and still taste good. They're not like the muffins you get at those stinky hippy stores that taste like health food. These are actually tasty muffins.

Dry ingredients:
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup of either 10-grain, flax seed, or another hi-fiber grain mix
1/2 cup sugar
1 t baking soda
1 t corn starch
1/2 t salt

Wet ingredients:
1 cup milk
2 eggs
4 T butter

Pre-heat the oven to 500 degrees. Combine all the dry ingredients. You might want to add in something yummy like cinammon, chocolate chips, or fresh blueberries. Mix thoroughly.

In a separate container, combine the melted butter (you didn't assume you just stick that butter in whole, did you?), eggs, and milk. You can add something yummy on this end too like vanilla extract or real maple syrup (not the fake corn syrup crap). Now combine the wet ingredients.

After both are stirred separately, pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredient container. Stir for 20 seconds only. Do not overstir. You want them light and fluffy. Stick 'em in muffin tins, then stick 'em in the oven.

As soon as you put them in, turn the oven down to 400 degrees. Cook 22 minutes for Texas sized muffins, 17 minutes for regular. You could tell when they're done simply by putting a knife in the biggest muffin and pulling it out. Enjoy.

The next morning, you should have a nice poo poo.

I am the Zombieslayer

Hi. I am your friendly, neighborhood Zombieslayer. No, I'm not like a vampire slayer. Vampires and demons aren't real. Zombies are.

Welcome to my website. Here you will learn important things like how to make yourself a better person. You will learn what is good in music, books, art, and film. You will learn how to cook. You will learn how to be healthy. Most importantly, I will teach you how to kill zombies.